OT: have you ever forgiven a cheating husband?

[mommy2savannah]

Sorry to post this on here but i am in such a desperate situation. i found out my husband was cheating on me with one of his former students (he is a professor at a university). We have been together since we were teenagers, for 14 years and have been married for almost 6 years. We were truly each other's soulmates. We have two young kids 4 years old and 9 months. He has been great to me and the kids up until this point. I am so shocked and distraught because he was sooooo not the type you would have expected this from. I have kicked him out of the house for one month so that I can heal. After that I don't know what will happen. I am not asking anyone's opinions as to what I should do...I know only God can truly help me decide that. I just want to know if anyone else out there has been in this situation and if they were ever able to truly forgive. The pain is so intense-it feels like I am watching the funeral of my marriage.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

So sorry this has happened to you and your children. I think you (and possibly the children some time down the road) will probally need a good therapist. Just someone to talk to, cry to, and help you through this. I have never had this happen to me, but DH and I have had our issues, and therapy helped out. There could be reasons that he has done this, and he just doesn't know how to tell you (not that any reason makes it OK), and therapy is a great way to help him and you work it out.
I'm not going to tell you to stay with him or leave him, thats up to you. You just need to go with your gut, and don't rush anything. I hope you and your children make it through this OK, and I know you will. As for him, good job kicking him to the curb for a month - it will give him time to think about what hes done.

 

[semo233]

Without revealing too much on a public board, I have been in a similar,perhaps even somewhat worse situation. I has been about 5 years now and the whole mess has made me a stronger person and given me a new direction for MY life. I am now a counselor!!
If you need to talk, I'll PM you my phone number.
Your main job right now is to keep things as even as possible for your children and to concentrate on healing yourself. Your children need to see you taking care of yourself and working to resolve the situation (whatever that means).
God Bless.
semo233

 

[camdensmom]

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

My only advice as you focus on the emotional healing is to not overlook the physical aspect. Take care of yourself and go to your ob/gyn for a very thorough exam. I would be honest with them about your situation and request a workup of all STD/AIDS tests. You need to be healthy for your children.

Again, I am sorry. Best wishes to you as you process all that is going on.

 

[semo233]

Camdensmom, thanks for mentioning this! Embarassing, but necessary!

Take care of yourself and go to your ob/gyn for a very thorough exam. I would be honest with them about your situation and request a workup of all STD/AIDS tests.

 

[Darcy03231]

Hasn't happened to me, but did to some dear friends. They managed to work through it, but it took time, patience and forgiveness (the incident took place over 10 years ago now). They both went to individual counseling and couples counseling. I will say that I think you both need to be committed to your marriage to get through something like this. If only one party is willing I can't see where it would work. to you.

 

[mom2aredhead]

Hasn't happened to me, but did to some dear friends. They managed to work through it, but it took time, patience and forgiveness (the incident took place over 10 years ago now). They both went to individual counseling and couples counseling. I will say that I think you both need to be committed to your marriage to get through something like this. If only one party is willing I can't see where it would work. to you.

My friends also - they went to counseling and eventually had a vow renewal ceremony and have just had their second child together (they had 1 who was very young when they were having these problems). But it was very hard for them - for her to trust him again, for him to feel secure in their relationship.

My husband actually did this to me before we were married - we were living together but not engaged and there were no children involved. I'm not comparing my situation to yours - very different. But it was still difficult, though not as much as it would be if we were married with children. I forgave him, but it took a lot of time, and a conscious decision on my part to just not go back there mentally and dwell in the past.

 

[craigs bride]

i was cheated on time and time again because i forgave ........im not saying this will happen to you but i think all trust goes in a relationship when this happens
you can be the only one who can decide on what is the best thing to do ...all my best wishes are with you and your family at this time

 

[momof3girls6712]

I met my DH when I was 15. We had our first DD at 16. It was rough for us growing up with a child. By age 19, we had completely grown apart and just did not have a healthy relationship. Ofcourse, I wouldn't admit that then. I found out he was cheating on me and honesty I thought it would kill me. It hurt so bad and I hated him. We stayed apart for about a year. Staying in contact ofcourse cause we had a daughter. We slowly started reconnecting and found a friendship. After that, it was hard and the cheating was always on my mind. And I did end up cheating on him. That was all years ago now and we are completely happy. He is still my best friend. We have arguements and tease each other about the cheating now. But I can tell you it takes alot of hard work and 2 people willing to invest the time and energy. Best of luck in the future.

 

[belle&sebastiansmom]

Such an awful situation. I'm sorry you're in so much pain.

I haven't been in your shoes, but I don't think I could or would forgive DH. My brother cheated on my SIL, had a child with the other women, and the SIL totally forgave him. I can respect it. But I don't understand it. Even with my brother, I feel a betrayal in the family.

 

[budbeerlady]

First of all

It can be survived like others have said. The biggest thing is to only worry about today and take it from there. I cannot undo the past, I cannot "fix" anything. When I started thinking about this summer, next Christmas, etc I freaked out.

I know for us there are good days and there are bad days, there are some days that still hurt pretty badly if I allow myself to dwell on it. All I can do is start each day, love him and hope for the best. I have DD to think about and her future. He made some mistakes, I have things I need to work on, I couldnt justify ripping her life apart because of us. Dh is a great dad, he was always great to me if you take the indescression out of it. Sometimes life sucks, I hope the best for you OP.

 

[stacy6552]

I am so very sorry for what you are going through.

I think there is a big difference between someone who reacts inappropriately (cheating) to a really long term bad home life and someone who is a philanderer. So I think you have to ask yourself a few things:

How have things been at home, really?

If they have been bad and you can honestly own some part in this and think you can move on, can you live with the inevitable suspicion ever times he's late getting home or you dont recognize a phone number on the bill?

Does he have more to say, than I'm sorry. Things like his ownership in desimating your life. If he doesn't get it, it won't work. A good indicator is what is he doing now? Is he still seeing her because you're seperated?

 

[Camno's Mama]

Take care of yourself and your kids the best you can. Try to get someone to help you out with the kids so that you have time to really take this all in, and work through your feelings. I have never been in this situation, but I think you've been given some great advice about therapy and seeing a doctor.

People do get past this...I know several couples that have. It's a lot of work, and you both have to decide that it's worth it. Good luck and I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

 

[jackdis]

Will you still be able to trust him? That is what it is all about. I personally would not be able to completely trust someone after that.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I am blessed that I have never had to deal with that but a good friend of mine did. they were the perfect couple, we called them barbie & Ken. She found out and forgave him and he did it again, same person!! She was so upset that she told everyone and they split. A few months later they give it another shot and she so regreted everyone knew. they are still together two years later. The women and her husband also stayed together. There was 4 kids involved. Not sure what you willl get from this but just a think about it story.

 

[ncmtnmom]

I just wanted to suggest a really good forum where you can get a ton of information and support. I have used it myself. www.survivinginfidelity.com

 

[mommy2savannah]

Thanks to all for the words of encouragement. It really does meant a lot to me. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again. That is why infidelity is so damaging. I am so scarred right now- i actually only found out five days ago so I am going through so many different emotions.

He is extremely remourseful and told me he was nearly suicidal. I know that he is sorry but it doesn't make me feel better. He took my daughter out this weekend to the movies and dropped her back off a little while ago. He says he lost it all and is paying the price now. My dd thinks he is working-has no idea that he's not staying here.

I don't know what else to say for the moment except that I know I have to be strong and healthy for my children. I also know that I have been an wonderful mother and wife and that this is in no way my fault. Please send some prayers our way!

 

[PrincessTigerLily]

mommy2savannah, and prayers to you and your children. I am very sorry this has happened to you and your family. Like a previous poster said, if you even feel like the possibility of reconciling at some point, it will take more than groveling. There needs to be serious ownership of fault and issues, more than just appeals to your emotional side. I think you did a wise thing by giving yourself space and time to think. Best of luck to you. I'm sure you will make the right decision for you!

 

[jackdis]

Sending you good wishes for the road ahead. Stay positive and keep focused on doing what's best for you kids.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Hugs!

Good luck whatever you decide to do. Don't make any hasty decisions. You are so incredibly traumatized emotionally right now and you need time to heal and think about what it is that YOU want.

I will say this - chances are you will never ever trust him 100% again (99.9% maybe but not 100%). He needs to accept that and be willing to face the consequences for his actions - checking in, constantly reassuring you of his love/fidelity, etc... Every time an unfamiliar number shows up on his cell phone or he is a few minutes late from work then that little doubting part of your brain will spring into action.

Yes, it can work but it takes time to heal and a strong desire on both of your parts to want things to work out.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Add me to the list of "if you need someone to talk to then feel free to PM me".

Kelley