OT: have you ever forgiven a cheating husband?

[rentayenta]

I just wanted to offer you some support. Having never been in this situation but counseled many who have, forgiveness is possible.

 

[Eeyore's Tiara]

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I did go through this. The suggestion about getting checked by an ob/gyn was a good one. IMHO, you really need to seek out a marriage counselor to help you through this decision because it will not only affect you but also your children. For me, I needed to know that i had done everything i could to work on my marriage. I felt that in this way I could face my childrens questions when they were old enough to ask the questions i knew were going to come.

I made a personal decision to see my marriage through if he was willing to commit to our marriage. the counselor told him he would have to be available to me at any time of the day or night if he was going to rebuild trust. This is something he couldn't commit to because he had already moved on to another woman, it wasn't even the same one that caused us to seek counseling. I found out about other women that i had suspected but couldnt prove during marriage counseling. So my marriage didn't stand a chance, but maybe yours can if he's willing to work at it.

I really don't like that he threatened suicide, mine did because he was trying to manipulate me...keep me on the hook and have other women too.

God bless and good luck to you.

 

[mom2girlsn1boy]

I am so sorry you are going through this, you are in my thoughts and prayers

 

[hugabearjo]

Thoughts and prayers go out to you. I have been in your shoes about 12 years ago. I hung on for 5 years but, as a PP has said, I know I can answer all my kids questions and know I did absolutely everything I could to save my marriage. It takes two unfortunatly. I pray he is willing to work at it too. Please don't let manipulation play part.

I also can't express enough how you have to have a good medical exam and then wait a while to have marital relations again until he is clean a second time. I know that is very hard to hear but, the incubation period for some of the more serious STD's is quite awhile.

I pray for you and your kids as you go through this difficult time. I am here if you want to PM me. I can offer some support and some books that helped me.

Please know you are not alone and whatever you decide you will come through this. It will get better with time. I know that is true, even though at first I didn't believe it.

 

[grlpwrd]

I know my mom has forgiven my dad, but infidelity is a dealbreaker for me. I also have some friends who had to deal with this. I have always believed that "once a cheater, always a cheater," but that's just me.

I suggest this website www.marriagebuilders.com .

GL in whatever you decide!

 

[mylilnikita]

Been there done that and I'm sorry because it is a whirlwind of emotions and you feel like someone has ripped your heart out. I forgave a couple times, but the last time my DD was 2 and I am sorry but if anyone tells you to stay because of kids, that is truly lame. I didn't want my DD to realize that was acceptable behavior-and I don't care if someone did it 1 or 1000 times.
I didn't want my DD to see me cry or go through his pockets like I had done before and make myself crazy, no one is worth that.
Both of my parents cheated on each other and my DM went for a pap smear she is 74 and hadn't been in awhile, well she tested positive to HPV and my DF has been dead since 2004 and she hasnt been with anyone so hard telling which one's infediltiy caused that.

 

[myprincessgirlisa]

but infidelity is a dealbreaker for me. I also have some friends who had to deal with this. I have always believed that "once a cheater, always a cheater," but that's just me.

i agree with this 100%

men have a choice & they know the consequences

to the OP i am sorry to hear about this & I hope you can work thru this !!

 

[kathie859]

My Mother had a very simple question that she believed would help any woman make difficult relationship decisions. It's "Are you better off WITH him or WITHOUT him?" IF you can forgive AND if you believe he can recommit to you and his family--you have a chance; however, if he won't recommit to you or you know you cannot/will not forgive him, you need to think about life without him for your own sake. I am sorry that you have to deal with this.

 

[crisi]

Yes, I have. But no happy ending. He cheated again and this time I didn't have the opportunity to forgive, he left me for her. Good riddanance. But we had no children, children make a huge difference in how much value I'd place on saving the marriage.

 

[EltonJohn]

I would strongly sugggest not posting personal stuff like this on a public message board. My advice for you is to seek out a marital therapist-go alone if you must.

 

[LadyShea]

Yes, you can truly forgive, but only if he is truly sorry and willing to make amends. If you two decide to work on the marriage he will have to do the "work", which should include counseling (both individual and couple) and being an "open book" regarding his personal life, emails, phone calls, etc. until you can trust him again. Does he even want to work on your marriage? You might find the support at www.facereality.com helpful

Best wishes to you

 

[hebbynan]

Here's my point of view from the other side of the relationship.....I cheated on my husband when we were just engaged. Although many claim it didn't matter because we weren't married, it really makes no difference. If your DH is serious about working it out with you, it is possible. We were in this situation 12 years ago. I came forth, admitted everything and we went to counseling with our pastor. Through many tears and arguing, we decided to work together to work it out. We did. Mind you, it took YEARS for DH to fully trust me again (and only now 12 years later can he say he "honestly" trusts me again). I knew I destroyed his trust and faith in me and had to EARN it back. I did. I only ever cheated that one time. I realized what I could have lost then and now....gosh with 2 sons and a wonderful life....I almost lost everything that would become most dear and precious to me!! I am one of the lucky ones. You need to decide what is right for you. Listen to your heart, get counseling and do what's right for YOU.

I will tell you this...with going through that all those years ago....any problem that arises seems like small potatoes to us. Our relationship is wonderful and we really are a happy family. Just know that people can change and as long as DH learns from his mistake, it can get better...but BOTH of you need to feel that way.

I wish you luck and will pray for you!! God Bless You on this difficult journey.

 

[lori123]

Sorry to post this on here but i am in such a desperate situation. i found out my husband was cheating on me with one of his former students (he is a professor at a university). We have been together since we were teenagers, for 14 years and have been married for almost 6 years. We were truly each other's soulmates. We have two young kids 4 years old and 9 months. He has been great to me and the kids up until this point. I am so shocked and distraught because he was sooooo not the type you would have expected this from. I have kicked him out of the house for one month so that I can heal. After that I don't know what will happen. I am not asking anyone's opinions as to what I should do...I know only God can truly help me decide that. I just want to know if anyone else out there has been in this situation and if they were ever able to truly forgive. The pain is so intense-it feels like I am watching the funeral of my marriage.

Big ((HUGS))

 

[lori123]

Double post

 

[LadyShea]

The reason for the cheating should also play a role in your discussions etc. Cheating doesn't happen in a vacuum. Yes, some people are serial cheaters and just flat out damaged, and probably shouldn't be trusted again but for many, if not most people, it is an anomaly....a psychological break from their normal personality and responses due to something.

In my husband's case, I am convinced it was due to clinical depression caused by severe stress (we had a business fail, which he thought made him a failure), which he had never experienced before.

My best friend cheated on her husband due to post partum depression. Prior to the PPD, such a thing would never, ever have occurred to her...I have known her for 25 years and I was stunned.

 

[vettechick99]

I don't feel the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" is true. People can change if they have the desire to. That is what you have to deal with...does he want to change and is he being true to you and himself.

Look up the reasons why men cheat - it's very enlightening. While he is the person that made the decision, you need to discover your part in this. What happened in your relationship that led to his actions?

I also suggest you all see a counselor. Good luck!

 

[JoiseyMom]

Hugs, this is rough. I was there once almost 24 years ago, with my ex. My ex was a serial cheater and liar, so that is why he is an ex. But I did try to make it work, and as others have said it takes 2 to make a marriage work. I had no doubts when I filed for divorce. I raised my 2 infant sons alone until I met my DH 14 years ago, and I have no regrets.

Good luck, you have a rough road ahead of you.

 

[notsosnowwhite]

I believe forgiveness is something you are going to have to find as a gift to yourself - even if the marriage does not work out. You owe it to yourself and your children to not carry around the anger (which you are totally justified in feeling!) that will only keep you from feeling daily happiness.

Yes, people can and have worked through similar situations but it takes both sides to work on it. If he will go to counseling with you, that's the first step.

This sounds unexpected - you had trust in him and he sounds like you two were best friends. That's a lot to give up. We are all human, and while you are hurt you know deep in your heart if you want this to work.

I'm so sorry for you and your family that you have to go through this.

 

[JennCa]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I know there are people who are able to forgive and continue in their marriage and those who just can't. You have to give yourself some time to figure out what you need to do and how he feels about the whole thing.

Don't worry about what anyone else thinks about the situation except you.

Jenn