OT- grandparents/grandchildren

[mykidslovesdisney]

Okay -- it has been a stressful few weeks. My mom is hear from AZ. She stayed w/ us for 4 days - visited relatives for 7 -- back for the night before her flight. I am soo stressed out when she is here. I have 3 other siblings in the state but she only stays with me. Nobody else will invite/take her. We have 4 dc at home in a very small house. I have to move dd6 into the boys room so DM has a bed to sleep in. - All 4 in 1 very small bedroom.

She was very upset this evening bc dd called her 'crazy' about some thing. I told dd to apologize that it isn't nice to call anyone 'crazy' DD didn't apologize loud enough so DM got upset. DM also tries to tell the kids the rules-- which are not our house rules. I over heard DM telling DD that she was 'fresh' I intervened- telling dm that if there is a problem w/ the dc I will handle it. We did have many more words after that. Including that she comes and stays with me so she can see DC== But DM makes no intention to get to know the kids. Basically ignores the ds10 and ds8. DM pays more attention to ds2 and dd6. DM will fall asleep on the couch or sit in the kitchen doing puzzle books.

DM came to the dinner table in tears. She was upset that when she comes for a visit. DC do not come running to her w/ hugs and kisses. I tried to tell her that they only see her a few times a year if that. Also that we dont' have ANY relatives near us that they do that to either. The DC will say hi and talk to her. She also said that the boys sit and watch inappropriate tv shows(TV is monitored fairly well-disney channel has been on the most BUT on Sat am dh is in charge and he lets them watch shows he thinks is okay-- mostly cartoons , I'm at work) or they are playing Ninentdo video games-(which they haven't in the last few days). When we did visit MIL(who passed away in March) and FIL (who is in declined health- just lost SMIL) the kids didn't go running to them either. MIL would get a hug just like DM gets.

For the past 5 years when she has visited- I have picked her up at the airport by myself bc the flights are at midnight. this time she had a 5pm flight. Called at 430pm from Philly to say the flight was leaving at 645pm. I told her I would be at the airport bf 8 pm (1 hr flight). I waited till 710 pm to leave- after checking the website saying flt departed. It was a 20 min to the airport. I get all 4 kids out of the van in the parking garage and my cell starts to ring. It was DM-- saying - guess where I am (I'm thinking already at baggage)-- wrong-- still sitting on the tarmac in Philly!!!!!!! I was soo upset. I told her I was already at the airport- I told her to call me when she gets here bc I was heading home-- getting past bedtime. The kids were soo crushed that they wouldn't be meeting GM at the airport. I did swing into friendlies- got them IC since we were suppose to do so w/DM. I drove home. Needless to say as soon as I got into the driveway -- DM calls to say she was now at the airport I gave DH Ds2 and ds10 and ds9 just wanted to stay home and go to bed. DD6 drove w/ me to pick her up. When I get there-- no thanks nothing! I told her she could have called me from the plane to let me know of the delay-- she said - I did twice. Yes she did but not an HR after departure time -- the flight is only an hr and I am only 20 mins from the airport! she was upset w/ dd bc she didn't get a huge hello from her. Hello- it is now almost 9 pm and dd is exhausted. DM told Dsis the next morning that I should have just stayed at the airport-- UMMM for how long w/ 4 kids that should be in bed!!!

Okay this is now turning into a big vent

BUT my purpose is to ask my DIS friends-- How do your children greet their grandparents??? Are your parents respectful of your house rules??

DM other gripe is that we don't come out to visit her in AZ. I keep telling her to stop visiting us in CT soo much that maybe I will plan a visit. She sold her 3 bdrm house her (too big in her words) and purchased a 3 bdrm house there so everyone could visit (1 out of the 6 of us has visited in the last 5 years). Right now I can't see spending a small fortune on airfare for 5 to visit- plus van rental. I would have to go by myself since DH only has so many vac days and they are reserved for WDW and DSS 19 college football games. there have been some years we have seen her for 4 visits. I would prefer to sock that extra (if we had it )airfare $$ for disney -- where I know I would have a stress free trip.

okay if you kept up w/ this soo far- thanks for reading.

any input on grandparents??

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I understand the stress of having a houseguest but to be honest I don't think your DM is entirely wrong.
All of our kids run at the grandparents when they see them and hug and kiss them. They can barely contain themselves when they see the car pull up.
If my kids are fresh to them I have no problem with them saying so. They should respect them. I will also correct my kids. Also, if my DD called anyone, especially an adult "crazy" or any other name she would be punished. Sorry but I too think that is really fresh.

As for the cartoons, well comments like them watching innappropriate tv I would just let roll off my back. FTR- I don't think every show on the Disney Channel is appropriate but that's JMO.

Your Mom falls asleep on the couch or does puzzles in the kitchen. I can see how that is annoying but you have to remember that she does not live with 4 kids on a daily basis. Maybe she needs some down time. Everyone does.

As for the airport, well I think you are overreacting. My kids are younger than yours (and I have 4 also) and I would have waited at the airport with them. I would have made it an adventure. We would have gotten something to eat and watched the planes or something. You were annoyed that the plane was late but that isn't your Mom's fault. I also think your kids are old enough to stay up a little later than their bedtime for a special occassion like meeting grandma at the airport. My kids would never have wanted to go home without her. It was also only 9pm, not midnight.

I am not picking on you. Just being honest. I think that you find your Mom annoying and everything she does bothers you. Unless you find some happy medium no matter what she does you will be annoyed. I am not saying she is a bucket of cheer but you need to find a middle ground.
I would say that overall the grandparents respect our house rules. They love to visit the kids and the kids love for them to visit.
Good luck.

 

[polkadotsuitcase]

I understand the stress you're feeling -- sorry you're going through this!

I get the kids not running to hug the GPs. One set of my kids' GPs lives 45 minutes away, so they see them often and have a hugging relationship. Those GPs are also very kid-oriented...they "get" kids, so they all interact very well together.

The other set of GPs live 5+ hours away, and see the kids about three (?) times a year. They're also very adult-oriented people, so they don't get down on the floor with the kids, but will sit and watch the news or go sit on the porch and watch the kids play. That's just how they are -- some people aren't "into" kids, and I totally respect/get that. But the kids don't run to hug them, and I think the GPs should understand that.

As for the visit itself...family visits can be tough, depending on the personalities involved. Honestly, if you/your sibs can chip in for a nice hotel, I'd consider that. Spend time w/your DM as much as you can, but everyone can take a bit of a break at night. We've done that, and once you get past the feeling that "we're family, we shouldn't stay in hotels, darn it!" everyone actually realizes that they enjoy their separate time. We've all grown up, and are set in our ways -- no shame in that!

Good luck!

 

[djblu883]

I can imagine that some of your DM's plight comes from her missing having kids anymore after enjoying a home full of love,hugs and laughter! Your home is the closest to that. It is such a joy to recieve a hug,see a smile and watch eyes light up with happiness.maybe just maybe your DM is looking to you and your family to fill a void she isn't even aware exists! As a grandparent I work hard NOT to advise my kids on anything but when visiting I do tell a child if she is being "hurtfull". I also spend my away time on the phone telling stories and singing silly songs and telling corny jokes so Im not such a stranger when we get to visit.maybe she needs a lesson in how to re visit her inner child it takes to be PART of a FUN grandparent that your kids can enjoy... that in turn would lessen her need to complain!!!your family can't fix grandmama but it could help her re-visit how she faces her world now????!!!just a wild guess on my part...from a grandparent (Mimi) whose grandchild runs up and hugs her and plays with her....and other kids....good luck! Empty house syndrome is TOUGH!!

 

[dougsmom98]

My parents live 5 hours away and we see them maybe 2 or 3 times each year. My kids do no go running to grandma and grandpa. They are polite and will come and say hello and usually by the end of the stay, they will warm up to them, but not right away. My parents are okay with this. They understand that they don't get to see them often enough. My parents are in their 70's now and not super fit. They don't do much with the kids when they are here. They like to observe their normal routine so that they can see what the kids like and dislike. I wish they would try to interact with the kids more, but I take what I can get. It is a "pain" for them to visit because people are displaced for sleeping here too, but it's important for me to have them there to see me and the kids. It sounds like your mom might be a little critical. She sounds a lot like my mom. In fact, a lot of your post reminded me of my mom (puzzle books, calling one of the kids fresh, imposing rules, having "favorite" kids...).
I don't really have advice, I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Hang in there. It is important for her to see your kids, and you to see her, so try to make the best of it.

 

[Hannathy]

I understand the stress of having a houseguest but to be honest I don't think your DM is entirely wrong.
All of our kids run at the grandparents when they see them and hug and kiss them. They can barely contain themselves when they see the car pull up.
If my kids are fresh to them I have no problem with them saying so. They should respect them. I will also correct my kids. Also, if my DD called anyone, especially an adult "crazy" or any other name she would be punished. Sorry but I too think that is really fresh.

As for the cartoons, well comments like them watching innappropriate tv I would just let roll off my back. FTR- I don't think every show on the Disney Channel is appropriate but that's JMO.

Your Mom falls asleep on the couch or does puzzles in the kitchen. I can see how that is annoying but you have to remember that she does not live with 4 kids on a daily basis. Maybe she needs some down time. Everyone does.

As for the airport, well I think you are overreacting. My kids are younger than yours (and I have 4 also) and I would have waited at the airport with them. I would have made it an adventure. We would have gotten something to eat and watched the planes or something. You were annoyed that the plane was late but that isn't your Mom's fault. I also think your kids are old enough to stay up a little later than their bedtime for a special occassion like meeting grandma at the airport. My kids would never have wanted to go home without her. It was also only 9pm, not midnight.

I am not picking on you. Just being honest. I think that you find your Mom annoying and everything she does bothers you. Unless you find some happy medium no matter what she does you will be annoyed. I am not saying she is a bucket of cheer but you need to find a middle ground.
I would say that overall the grandparents respect our house rules. They love to visit the kids and the kids love for them to visit.
Good luck.

I agree with this.

I really think you need to re-think the rigidity of doing things exactly as scheduled or normal when Grandma is there. It isn't, it is different and seriously if your kids can't deal with a few bumps in their routine they are going to have a rough time in life. Both sets of grandparents lived far away from my kids and when ever we visited or they visited I used to let a lot of things slide. If Grandma's flight was late we waited and it became the time we hung out at the airport while the cleaning people where there and how neat that was. if Grandma did things a bit different oh well we will be back to normal in a week or so, it won't kill them. many times I just gritted my teeth and smiled knowing they were my kids and when we were back home things would go back to normal but in the meantime if grandma thought they should have carrots instead of cereal (like when they were babies) I would let her do it, Or wear shoes instead of being barefoot, Or being rocked till completely asleep, etc.

Please remember that your kids are sponges soaking up how you act and feel toward your Mom and it will be stored away and may come back to the surface 20 years from now when you are Grandma.

 

[micheleq]

Families can be stressful!!

Your kids haven't had the chance to build a close relationship with their gramma, so let the trips be an opportunity to do that.

Let DD stay in her room with gramma -- get DD an air mattress and gramma can have the bed. They can stay up chatting like teenagers all night. Or if your DD and Gramma want, they can share the bed. My DD4 does this with my grandmother when we visit her in SC or when my gramma stayed here at my house for a night on her last trip.

Plan a few activities that they can all do. Not sure what part of CT you are in , but the Maritime Aquarium or in Norwalk and the Beardsley Zoo are great for kids of all ages. Or a place like Dinosaur State Park, Hammanasset or Sherwood Island State Parks/beaches.

Good luck. Sounds like your DM wants a relationship with the kids, but needs a little guidance in getting there.

 

[djblu883]

well put and bravo! Yes families can be a pain in the patooi but they are family and despite Grandmama's faults she is just looking for love and doing it badly.....cut her some slack OP and teach her how to love your kids their way!! I have to re learn my DGD every time I see her because she changes but because I do....we are close even though we are many many miles apart

Families can be stressful!!

Your kids haven't had the chance to build a close relationship with their gramma, so let the trips be an opportunity to do that.

Let DD stay in her room with gramma -- get DD an air mattress and gramma can have the bed. They can stay up chatting like teenagers all night. Or if your DD and Gramma want, they can share the bed. My DD4 does this with my grandmother when we visit her in SC or when my gramma stayed here at my house for a night on her last trip.

Plan a few activities that they can all do. Not sure what part of CT you are in , but the Maritime Aquarium or in Norwalk and the Beardsley Zoo are great for kids of all ages. Or a place like Dinosaur State Park, Hammanasset or Sherwood Island State Parks/beaches.

Good luck. Sounds like your DM wants a relationship with the kids, but needs a little guidance in getting there.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

We are a very touchy-feely family so most of my kids will run to give their Grandma hugs and kisses when she arrives, they do that with most people.

My MIL is not a "kid person" so when she visits if the kids really want her attention I try to get them involved in something they'll both enjoy like a card game (UNO or similar) or a puzzle. Sometimes we make plans to go special places like mini-golfing and out to eat at a nice restaurant or just to see the local sites, like when went to see the Space Needle. But if I don't try to plan something our visits generally will go like yours did, with MIL napping, reading, or playing a game on the computer.

I'm not being critical, you do what you feel is best for your kids, but I too would have just stayed at the airport. One late night isn't going to hurt the kids and it shows them how special Grandma's visit is, it probably would've set the tone of the visit for them.

As far as discipline, my kids are expected to respect the adults in our family so if one of them including Grandma tells them something that is not contrary to our rules or not safe then they are to obey. For example, we went out to breakfast with MIL and while I was in the restroom MIL told my 5yo he could not have something he asked for until he finished the food on his plate. When I got back he asked me for it and I pretty much said the same thing and MIL said something like "See, that's what Grandma told you" and I had a discussion with DS about how when Grandma tells him something it's the same as Mommy and Daddy and he needs to listen and if I had known Grandma already said no I would've said no anyway. I would be very upset with my kids if they were disrespectful to their Grandma and I would feel bad if she didn't call them on it.

 

[ms_missy66]

We have it both ways here. My kids will run to my mother's legs for a big hug. They do it the same with my MIL because she's a little more reserved and formal. They love her very much and I know the feeling is mutual. It's just not as much of a warm and fuzzy relationship.

Here's what I think about your situation. You and your mom seem to have very high expectations for each other, neither of which you're willing to relax much. That's not to say one bit that you both aren't trying. You welcome her into your home and rearrange your lives for her visit. She invests the money and time to make the trips. I know this may over-simplify the issue, but my advice is for you both to relax a bit. Let your kiddos know Grandma would love a warm welcome and model the behavior for them. "Mom! It's so great to see you! I'm glad you're hear safely!" *huge hug* "Kids! Give Grandma some hello hugs!" It's possible if you are the leader is spreading the love, your kids will follow suit and, perhaps, your mom will hop on board. I know it sounds kind of forced, but maybe it's worth a try.

Now with regard to your mom correcting your kids. I won't like. When my MIL does it, it makes me insane because I feel like she's overly tough on them about somethings. She, for example, is the food nazi. How much did they eat, four more bites of corn, stop talking start eating, you'll sit here until you eat. My kids are of a healthy weight and eat well. Maybe not at every meal, but their fine. Typically the "how much" is a non-issue for us. So when she's visiting, I go a little nuts. So sometimes I said, "You know, she ate an awesome lunch. I think she's good." I don't make a big deal about undermining her, but I do, politely lay down my law. It seems to work.

Good luck. I know how frustrating family can be, but after losing my dad a few months ago, I am reminded about how meaningless little annoyances are in the long-run.

 

[mykidslovesdisney]

Thanks Dis friends for the honest insight. it is really hard here with her. I guess I get soo upset bc I am the only one out of 5 that she stays with. My other siblings absolute refuse to host her. A hotel would be a nice option but she would refuse a hotel. I know my siblings would not chip in for one. She has split her time w/ a friend in her old town. it does ease things a bit plus she doesn't have the 1 hr drive each way every day like she did in the beginning.

I would love to bunk dd6 in the same room but her room is soo small. It basically holds a bed and a bureau. no matter which way I try - my mom would be stumbling on her.

The kids truely do love her visits. They cry on the way home from the airport after we drop her off. As for awaiting at the airport when she arrived, I just couldn't do it. We just returned from vacation and i was getting the kids back into early bedtimes. I just feared by waiting we would be there for several hours--she had not idea when the flight would leave. All I would have wanted was a phone call to say - hey I 'm still on the tarmac-- not sure when we are leaving-- IF she had done that I would have waited at home until she arrived at the airport here -- then went for her.

these visits have gone on like this for almost 5 years at the average of 2 visits per year. I do truely love my mom but I can't handle having her here. I do it for the kids only. I have an niece who is now 19 and has never been the huggy type child and DM still resents DN!

anyways thanks for the input many of you made important points that I will have to think about for the future visits.

 

[lila]

I fly 2X a week for work, and it is very typical that the FAs and pilot will make everyone turn off cell phones and then taxi out to the tarmac, wait in line, and then pull up and park, and only then allow phones to be back on (which could easily be 30 min+ after the door was closed). You didn't mention if your airport is BDL or LGA (or perhaps another), but especially going in to LGA, this is typical behavior. And not your Mom's fault.