OT: Feeling like a really bad mom

[starbox]

Have you read The Five Love Languages for children? It sounds like you and DS "speak the same love language" - but that there is a disconnect with DD. I know it really helped me to be aware of the way my kids recieve and express love differently. And I do naturally feel more in tune with the one that has the same love language as I do.

One thing that might help is to buy a blank book and to write down notes for your DD. Special memories you have of her as a baby/toddler - things you think she does well - lists of what you love about her or are proud of. Even just a note to say what you think is pretty about her. Be honest and just write something simple a few times a week.

 

[Rylee]

I lost my grandma a few years ago after a hard struggle with cancer. My cousin told us all about a conversation she had with my grandmother just a couple of weeks before she died.

One of my cousin's children had asked her that morning about which of her kids she loved most. She gave a typical 'mom' answer to that question, but later in the day, asked my grandma if she ever had a favorite child. Understand, a lucid conversation with my grandma, even a brief one, was rare by that point. Grandma's answer went something like this:

Don, he was my favorite. There is nothing like the feel of your first child lying in your arms. Then came Barb, and oh to see the beauty of the world through a little girls eyes- she was my favorite. Sam was next... and he was the most loving, tender-hearted little boy. He was definitely my favorite. Until we had Wayne... he was 100% little boy and as rough and tumble as they come. Yep, I loved him the most. Well, then LuAnn came and she was always the baby who everybody loved. And I loved her the most.

She continued by talking about each of her 19 grandchildren, why they were special, and how she loved each of us 'the most'. It was the most touching explanation I'd ever heard that while we love each of our children differently, we love each of them 'the most'.

Now I'm sitting here crying as I type this, missing my grandma. I think I loved her 'the most'.

Beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

We have 5 children, and I understand exactly what she was saying. I love my children and would give my life for any and all of them. That said, I also love different things about each of my children. They all have their different strengths, talents, personalities, quirks and weaknesses, too... that what makes each of them, and the relationship we share, so special.

 

[kim929]

When I was divorcing my first husband I took my kids to therapy. The therapist told me some kids are easier to love then others. Do what you can but don't beat yourself up about it, because they will pick up on it and use it to their advantage. They will make you feel worse then your easier to manipulate you into things.

 

[quiltingmom4]

Hi, I am coming out of lurkdom to respond to this. My dd was like your daughter but even worse. I never knew what would send her off on a tantrum. One day, you could say no to her and she would be fine and the next day i would say no over the same thing and would have a major tantrum. She would be sent to her room to scream it out and I would put my self and her sisters on a different floor of the house until it blew over. She would hit her sisters just because they were breathing. DD would state that I love the other 3 girls more than her etc.. because they got more stuff and were not diciplined like her. They did not misbehave like her. No amount of convincing or showing her how her behavior was would do. By the time she was 8 I was really hating her as my dd and had a hard time showing her love because everything I tried was thrown back into my face. Her sisters were also having a hard time as well. Somewhere between the ages of 8 and 9, she really started complaining of her stomach hurting. After some testing with the pediatrician, we were sent to the specialist. Long story short is that my dd is gluten intolerant/ sensitive. The food that she was eating was causing stomach aches and headaches. She was tired and fatigued all the time. We changed her diet, went more organic, and gave her digestive enzymes to help her digest her food better. DD slowly stopped having the tantrums and arguing with everyone. She started to look and feel better. People who knew dd before I started this and saw her 3 months later were amazed at the change in her. Now at 11, dd is the most amazing, loving child. She doesn't hit her sisters anymore. She like to go places with me just to talk. She will even let her sister sleep with her in her bed with a smile on her face. I like her better now than my 12 year old dd who we are dealing with the teen stuff.
Anyways, research is starting to show that our stomachs are the 2nd brain. If things are not happy in the gastro-intestinal system it can affect behavior. Just think how we feel with an upset stomach or headache. We are grouchy and snap more, but it goes away. For my dd, she lived with this constantly and it never went away. That is why we got the bad behavior because she felt miserable all the time. We did not excuse the bad behavior. She was diciplined when she did it, but I stopped blaming me and thinking she hated me. I had a better understanding of her and had more patience. That in turn helped her out.
Short version of a very long story. If you need anymore info, just pm me.

Colleen

 

[mjkacmom]

I disagree with it being an age thing - I have a dd6 and ddalmost8, and they're nothing like dd12 was at that age. The tantrums are a red flag - dd got them when frustrated, at 8, and they were just as scary for her as they were for me. She did get a ADHD diagnosis, mostly for emotional reasons, but I don't think it was accurate, as she is "cured" now.

Maybe you could get her a therapist? We did with our dd, and it helped. She has some social issues, and it took her a while to learn social cues. Fortunately, she had a few really good friends, and that helped.

You mentioned your dd wanting to dress like the other girls - my dd was pretty, average height, thin, no glasses, nice teeth, bright, wore the right clothes, etc. - it was her personality that was a problem - hyper, immature, just not "getting it." She was also insecure, and kids definitely get that vibe.

Now she's 12, loves school, lots of friends, very happy. My other dd's are very loving, so I don't expect them to get wacky until close to puberty.

 

[runswithscissors]

Just throwing this out there...

I was the black sheep in my family (hence, my screen-name.) I'm one of four girls and I was the one who was in trouble and who game my parents "odgeda." Was I the most well-behaved, respectful child? No, not by a long shot - but, I was me. After I went away to college and then further away to grad school, I became much closer to my family. I realized that they didn't hate me and they realized that I wasn't satan's spawn. We all admitted our own mistakes in the relationship and I'm happy to say that I'm very close with my sisters and my parents today. Just accept her for who she is, don't let her break the rules and, most importantly, tell her you love her every day.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

This is my too!

My ds 12 is my hardest kid. Has been his entire life.
Everything is difficult for him. We are oil and water most times. He is loving but it has to be on his terms and when he wants it. He is a hot head and just overall intense.

Last night he got super angry at me for not telling him about an adult only suprise party that me and dh are going to. I told him to drop it because the parents asked us not to tell our kids who the party was for. He just kept going on and on about it and wouldn't let up. I walked away and he started in on me again this morning. Even after I told him he needs to stop worrying about the party as it is for adults only and this is the parents request since all of the kids go to school together and their kid has a big mouth.

He doesn't make friends easily, has to always argue - EVERYTHING to death - if I say blue he says red mentality. We struggle. Oh yea and I do nothing for him only for his big brother and his younger sister. He is always left out. At least that is what he says (not true). Sometimes I do find it hard to be nice to him cuz he is so difficult. I can only hope that this too shall pass - but honestly I don't know that it will. It is his personality.

I have suggested therapy for him bcuz he gets really angry at times and will take it out on others or himself. He will hit himself in the head, he will say he is going to run away and he has even said that he is going to kill himself. I spoke with the school counsler and she said that some kids do that as a way to make us feel guilty and for attention. I hate when he does that - I have sometimes ignored it and other times I have calmly sat on his bed and just hugged him and other times - I get so mad at him for saying it that I just yell back. I don't know how to deal with him sometimes.

I hope it gets eaiser for all us someday - as it hurts us and our kids and we love them so much and try to do everything we can to show it and prove it to them that they are loved and needed and wanted and valued.

 

[Brancaneve]

I just feel so sad for you and I completely understand! My DD6 recently had a "phase" where she said I didn't love her at least 5 times a day and complained about everything. My DS3 on the other hand is mellow and easy going.

What ended this phase was that I hugged her every time she would say something negative. I must have hugged and kissed her 20 times a day. My DH and I told her an alien must have picked up the old DD and brought back a different one. She went to her room and hid and called me to her room and I was surprised to hear her but not find her. When I did find her she said that the alien space ship had brought back the real DD. Since then, she is back to her old self.

Just hug her until she can't take it anymore! I hope things get better and fast.

 

[DWFan4Life]

I think this is horrible. I hope this won't happen to us and my kids. As much as I can, I give same attention to them, like what you did. Maybe your DD wants more attention because her mind already developed something she thinks that your giving lot of attention to others. Don't give up, she still young.

 

[njmom47]

is the most difficult thing...

My oldest dd (now 17) has been the toughest to raise. I have had to accept that she is not like me, nor will she ever be. I have told her that I don't understand the way she thinks, and I try my best to be supportive. It's just that her personality is sooo different than the rest of us in the family (dh, dd 15 and ds 13 are all pretty laidback and go with the flow), and I think that is what makes things difficult at times.
I do tell her frequently that I am proud of who she is, because she is very strong-willed and positive, and I always admired people with those qualities.

I also read a quick andectode from a famous mom in a magazine. She said her daughter was having a tantrum, and she knelt down and said to her "I don't know what to do when you act like this" and the her daughter looked at her quizically and replied "How about a game of Go Fish?"

I really chuckled at that but I think it worked because: it distracted the child from the tantrum, it made Mom more human (rather than the one who says no all the time), and it gave the child a victory (although for the mom, it may really be a non-issue, you know "Pick your battles").

 

[LisaMommy]

You're not a bad mother, like the PPs said, every kid is different, and some you "click" with better, but it doesn't mean you love them more. My parents thought I was the strangest child growing up, they couldn't for the life of them figure out what was "wrong" with me. I isolated myself from them and from everyone at school. I didn't do sports or hang out with friends on the weekends or go to parties from the ages of about eight to eighteen. They tried to "fix" me by setting up numerous social interactions and planning outings, but none of them worked. I just don't have very good people skills, I never did. I get frustrated with people who can't follow my complicated lines of thought, I don't like contact from most people (I can stand when my DH or my children hug me... that's about it), I love nothing more than to argue with people, and I hate when people tell me to calm down. Anyway, I'm not saying your DD is like this, I'm just saying that sometimes personalities can be new to parents and that can be scary. It's no excuse for bad behavior (tantrums) but I wouldn't push sports or anything on her.

 

[powellrj]

I am also a "bad" mom to my middle DS. He has always be the one I butted heads with. He is also my artistic child, so maybe thats a link.

He never thinks he gets enough of anything, but drains me emotionally and financially. My youngest is easy going and never asks for anything, but he has always seen her as the favorite child. She isn't the favorite, she just the easiest!

My kids are older, so this has been going on for a long time.

My first piece of advise is to get involved with something you like together. I know you said she likes art and you can't draw a stick figure, but there is so much more to art, that you can develop an interest in together. Ours was movies. We always had our friday nights together. He would take guitar lessons and then after his lessons we would go out to dinner and see a movie. We did this for 6 years until he got his driver license and started going out with friends on friday night.

Like I said, he is artistic and I'm not, but we both love movies and he developed a passion for animation. So much so he took classes all through high school and was going to major in it in college, until he developed a new passion this year. Politics. He now wants to major in Political Science and go to Law School. We followed the campaigns together and would spend hours talking about them.


He is involved in so many things I have no interest in but I always listen and TRY to understand! One thing I don't get is his love of professional wresting. How can a kid who is an honor student and going to college next year have a passion for professional wrestling, I will never know, but he loves it and I now know more about it than I ever wanted to! He also loves theater and is active in is high school drama department and his schools show choir.

I was the one who got him involved in drama, when he was about your DDs age, they wanted set painters and I suggested he sign up. Instead, he auditioned and got a part and has been drama geek ever since.

It takes alot of work, but it is so worth it, to find the common ground and really get to know them. We still butt heads and we still don't always get along, but at least we have lots of common interests that we have learned to develop together.

 

[nessz79]

When I was divorcing my first husband I took my kids to therapy. The therapist told me some kids are easier to love then others. Do what you can but don't beat yourself up about it, because they will pick up on it and use it to their advantage. They will make you feel worse then your easier to manipulate you into things.

I agree with this. I don't know you or your kids, but from your post it seems like she tries to manipulate you. You said she has fits and it often seems she has these fits when you're doing something to try to please her and/or bond with her. I wouldn't allow her to talk to you in a nasty way. I'm not sure how you approach the situation when she is talking nasty to you, but I wouldn't tolerate it. I think sometimes kids are bad to get attention and this may be her way of getting attention with you? Maybe if you don't tolerate the nastiness and praise any positive behavior you see her doing. I'm really shooting in the dark here, but just some ideas.

However, you are not a bad mother to have a better bond with your other son. As the above poster said, some kids are easier to love.

 

[Vijoge]

Yesterday she set up a protest against me using her webkinz... holding picket signs she made.

Now that is funny. .