OT: Feeling like a really bad mom

[jeepgirl30]

okay so i'm not sure how to ask this but, do you ever feel a closer bond with one child and not the other?

I love both my children dearly of course. But my DD8 has me struggling. I try to plan one on one time with her and we end up fighting. She is really nasty to me. She has always been very interested in art, i can't draw stick figures! I encourage her and try to draw or color or whatever with her but she wants more alone time when she is being artistic. She likes watching disney channel. Other than that, thats about her only interests.

My DS6 on the other hand is very active. He is up for anything. He is involved in sports. Right now he is wrestling and doing very well. He has a very magnetic personality and has gotten himself a fan base. He is very loving to me and is always complimenting me, wanting to hug me, and will do whatever to please me. He likes to help me cook and clean. He has a lot of friends and makes them easily. She struggles at school socially as well as being behind on learning.

I can do whatever with him and he loves it. He'll go for walks, loves getting massages, loves getting tickled, etc. DD hates all that. Well she'll want tickled but the minute i do she cries. DS is small so i can still pick him up or give me piggy back rides. DD is, well not small. I literally can not pick her up anymore.

Right now, wrestling is time consuming so DD feels left out. I try hard to make it up to her but she will throw fits about everything. I work full time as well so again she gets mad. She tells me I spend too much time on myself and none on her. She is also very mean to DS. DS loves and adores her, she'll reach over and just smack him.

My DS is just easier. I "get" him better. I know how to deal with him so much easier.

Is this just a mother/daughter issue or am I doing something totally wrong? I really need help. I feel so bad for my DD. She says she is always in trouble and always getting yelled at. I feel like it is true but don't know how to end the cycle. I can not let her misbehave just so I don't scold her but yet she acts up for attention.

I took her shopping for a new outfit at Justice. She threw a huge fit because I would not also buy her a $20 notebook, on top of the overpriced clothes! She started saying really mean things to me about how i only spend money on myself or that i should never have had a second child since I didn't make enough money to pay for both!

My DH doesn't seem to think anything. He says it is only going to get worse.

What the heck do I do?!

 

[brockash]

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I don't have really much experience with this. I kinda feel like I don't do enough/focus enough on my DS (almost 7,) and that I pay more attention and even video tape more of my DD (20 months,) but I'm really hoping it's just because she's still basically a baby We'll see how that goes once she gets older. I will say that I was absolutely horrible to my mom from about the age of 10-15 or 16, and I used to only want boys because of this, so I do think that a mother/daughter relationship can sometimes be a little more stressful then a mother/son.

I obviously am not there and I don't have specifics, but from what you've said I get the feeling that you somewhat "let" her make you feel bad, and take it personal (which I know it's hard not to.) What happened when she threw a fit about not buying her the $20 notebook? I personally wouldn't have gotten my kiddo anything at the point and explained the bad attitude/greatfullness speech, and possibly given him a time out depending on where it went from there (I've given the speech a lot lately it seems, so if that's the case, I totally get where you're coming from ) I just always say/feel like it's fine if my kids don't like for a period of time, that's okay, they're not going to always like me, but I'm their mom and I know they'll always love me, and I just always remind myself, that even though they say mean things sometimes ect. I can't take it personal, because I know I'm doing what's best for them, and that eventually they'll get it, but they're not supposed to really get it when they're kids. I feel like my DH takes things much more personal with things like that, but he kinda goes the other way, as in he doesn't really "give in"- (not saying that's what you do, I don't know) but he get's personally mad at them, because he feels personally offended, and I always tell him that if he can't be calm when he's speaking to them, then to take a break or give it to me, because I don't think either of those scenarios work. It sounds like you're a very loving mother who cares greatly for both of you children. I would just keep sticking with any rules you have ect. and be consistant and still always give her the same oppurtunity for alone time that you give you DS. I'd also make sure that you remember to compliment her when she does good things ect. You probably already do, it's just something that I sometimes notice I start to lack at times. Good luck to you.

 

[mommyofboys]

I feel the same way and it makes me feel horrible. I have thought more and more about it and I don't know if this applies to you, but the reason ds7 and I don't bond as much as ds3 and I is because of our personalities. ds7 and I are exactly alike. We both have the same attitude, temperment, etc and we can go at it like brother and sister. Another thing I noticed is that he is very strong willed and because of that we fight.

 

[kacaju]

can you sign her up for art lessons? Does she have friends? Is there any kind of after school activity that she enjoys?
It sounds like she is bored and needs something to get involved in.

 

[mjkacmom]

Dd12 has always been like this. Believe it or not, I think we get along better now, than when she was 8. I think she can control her emotions better, even with puberty. She's artistic and musical, and I'm not. I love to read, she hates to read. She is definitely my most difficult child - it's just her personality! And she can be very mean to her siblings, which drives me nuts, especially since she's super-nice to their friends. Dd's 7 and 6 have always been affectionate and loving, and even my boys are way more cuddly than she's ever been.

One thing that has been an improvement is middle school. They have amazing concert choirs, and she got in the top 2. She also had a large role in a community theater production. She just got a lead in our town play. Her school offers a great fine arts class, which she loves. I find she's happier if she's involved in activities that she really loves.

 

[RobinFabulous]

First let me say that I have a DD 10 and a younger DS (almost 7) so I totally get where you're coming from. I also have a smaller DD. I honestly think it's the age. I think they get pre pmsy VERY early and horomonal and such. But I have to tell you that I would not put up with back talk like that. If mine ever said any of the stuff that yours said to you in the store, I would have put back the things I was planning to buy her and she would have ended up with nothing. You have to set boundries at an early age or I can only imagine how bad it gets when they really hit teenagerdom. I would sit her down and explain that you love them BOTH equally, but that she must behave/follow rules/ etc of she will be punished. I'm a yeller, so I know how hard it is to stop that, but I think mine tunes me out when I yell. I also think that with my DD positive reinforcement goes a LONG way instead of punishment. Maybe she does need an activity that she enjoys, both of my girls dance, but if she's not interested in that do any of the craft stores near you do the Saturday activities for kids? Or scrapbooking? A lot of churches are doing scrapbooking now. Or karate? Or girl scouts? If cost is an issue I'm sure you can find some reasonable things that might interest her. You just have to remembr that at this age, she's not a baby or a toddler, but not a big girl either, and it's confusing for them.

Good luck!!!

 

[antree]

I know what you are going through. My DD is 14 and I think we have been fighting since she was 4 yrs old. My DS is 7 and is the most loving child I know. I truly think it is a girl thing. I joined a tap dance to learn since she loves dance and she is great at tap, it is a struggle for her to help me, but she wants me to stick with it. I say red she says blue, it feels like we will never agree. I just said to my DH today, she is going to run far away from me as soon as she gets the chance, we are always butting heads. I miss my little girl. I only hope it will get better soon.

 

[mandynee22]

I totally get where you're coming from. My DD (9) has been a struggle since she was about 5- maybe 4... anyway- it's constant yelling, fighting what-have-you. I have her in weekly therapy (and family sessions once a month). She sees her pediatrician every 3 months just for behavior. It's ridiculous. Her therapist even told me that it's like she's out to get me. I agree. IDK if it's a mother/daughter thing (I *personally* think what we're going through is extreme.
I tell her to put away her clothes- she tells me she's not my maid (???)
Yesterday she set up a protest against me using her webkinz... holding picket signs she made. I guess she gets an A for creativity.
She is soooo into herself and her needs and her wants and her everything that it trumps everything and everyone else.

I don't have advice, if I did- I would use it myself... but I can say that you aren't alone and wish you luck.

My DS (he's only two) is way easier than her. She throws tantrums (like TANTRUMS- a couple months ago I wouldn't get her pop tarts at the grocery store and she threw a yelling, crying fit) that would put any two yr old to shame.

I put her in cheerleading last year in the hopes it would get out all kinds of energy and she'd have less fight in her but it didn't work. She'll go in again next year because she likes it but the point of it didn't work. She's in volleyball now. I'm still trying.

ETA: Re: the "I say red, she says blue"
UGH the arguing about the dumbest things! Mine actually DID argue with me once about the SKY being blue.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

I don't know how much advise I can offer, but thought you could use a

Remember she is getting into the tween stage and has has her own pressures with friends and school that she may not be sharing with you...or just good ol growing pains. You are doing the right thing by putting your foot down and setting limits, even if she gets mad. You are doing the best thing by being loving and supportive of her interests. Give it time and just continue with the love...and boundaries. It may not help now, but she will thank you when she gets older.

 

[scottish mum]

Well its my oldest son whos 11 that i have problems with. He used to be the most loving boy but now he just argues constantly and if you even try and give him a row he thinks that you hate him and the whole world is against him. I am sure it is just his age and we will soon be back to where we were last year and that he will be back to being my friend. His older cousin went through it and now he is so close to his mum. It is just a phase

 

[RN01]

I know what you are going through. My DD is 14 and I think we have been fighting since she was 4 yrs old. My DS is 7 and is the most loving child I know. I truly think it is a girl thing. I joined a tap dance to learn since she loves dance and she is great at tap, it is a struggle for her to help me, but she wants me to stick with it. I say red she says blue, it feels like we will never agree. I just said to my DH today, she is going to run far away from me as soon as she gets the chance, we are always butting heads. I miss my little girl. I only hope it will get better soon.

This sounds soooo familiar. You could have been writing about my DD14 and my DD11.

 

[eeyoremum]

okay so i'm not sure how to ask this but, do you ever feel a closer bond with one child and not the other?

I love both my children dearly of course. But my DD8 has me struggling. I try to plan one on one time with her and we end up fighting. She is really nasty to me. She has always been very interested in art, i can't draw stick figures! I encourage her and try to draw or color or whatever with her but she wants more alone time when she is being artistic. She likes watching disney channel. Other than that, thats about her only interests.

My DS6 on the other hand is very active. He is up for anything. He is involved in sports. Right now he is wrestling and doing very well. He has a very magnetic personality and has gotten himself a fan base. He is very loving to me and is always complimenting me, wanting to hug me, and will do whatever to please me. He likes to help me cook and clean. He has a lot of friends and makes them easily. She struggles at school socially as well as being behind on learning.

I can do whatever with him and he loves it. He'll go for walks, loves getting massages, loves getting tickled, etc. DD hates all that. Well she'll want tickled but the minute i do she cries. DS is small so i can still pick him up or give me piggy back rides. DD is, well not small. I literally can not pick her up anymore.

Right now, wrestling is time consuming so DD feels left out. I try hard to make it up to her but she will throw fits about everything. I work full time as well so again she gets mad. She tells me I spend too much time on myself and none on her. She is also very mean to DS. DS loves and adores her, she'll reach over and just smack him.

My DS is just easier. I "get" him better. I know how to deal with him so much easier.

Is this just a mother/daughter issue or am I doing something totally wrong? I really need help. I feel so bad for my DD. She says she is always in trouble and always getting yelled at. I feel like it is true but don't know how to end the cycle. I can not let her misbehave just so I don't scold her but yet she acts up for attention.

I took her shopping for a new outfit at Justice. She threw a huge fit because I would not also buy her a $20 notebook, on top of the overpriced clothes! She started saying really mean things to me about how i only spend money on myself or that i should never have had a second child since I didn't make enough money to pay for both! My DH doesn't seem to think anything. He says it is only going to get worse.

What the heck do I do?!

I have sons so I don't know about girls. I am sorry you are going through this. If either of my children said this to me after I spent money on them the items would GO BACK to the store if I was still in the store I would tell the child that they blew it and you are not going to spend money on them if they are going to be ungrateful.

Also if she is going to continue to treat you like crap I would tell her that you will treat her the same way. Example, she throws a fit then an hour later wants you to drive her to a friends you say "sorry you were not treating me with respect so I will not be driving you". I think the behaviour will stop quickly.

Hope it works out.

 

[ADisneyQueen]

I have an 8 yr. old that is very artistic. When she is working on something, especially drawing, she wants no one to bother her. We try not to bug her when she is doing art, until she is ready to show us.
Maybe a thing the two of you could do is have an art show in the house. She could put up pictures and crafts in the house and show them to the family- put titles on them, maybe even sell some. This way the attention would be on her, not on little brother.
Could you take her out for a meal or dessert, alone? My girls love to have mother daughter times.

 

[koolaidmoms]

Great big hugs to you.

This is me and my DS. DD and I get along great. We are very similar in likes and temperment and we can really talk to each other. DS is another matter. I say black he says green. I say please he screams no.

We have had to lay down the law on how he can speak to me or any adult for that matter. He lost all his toys the other day. Yes, I literally went in and took them all away. He is refusing to put away his clothes right now so the next thing is we will take the clothes away and he will be given one change of clothes for the next day and that is it. Slowly, we will strip his room of everything except his bed if we need to and he will earn it back. I feel awful but I don't know what else to do. I refuse to let my child speak to me that way.

God, I hate this.

 

[sk!mom]

I think that it's pretty common to have one child that you have an easier but hopefully, not better relationship with. However, your DD seems to have some issues that she needs help with. The fact that she doesn't get along with others either, still has fits at 8, maybe counseling, and maybe find something that she enjoys doing.

 

[NotUrsula]

I'm going to throw out an odd question here: How does she feel about being touched? (By anyone, not just you.)

 

[jeepgirl30]

thanks everyone. I guess its all normal.

She can be a very sweet girl and can be somewhat affectionate. She is very lovey with my mom.

I did want to address one issue, the reason I did not take the clothes back is a bit difficult. She had been having issues with kids at school. Finally she told me they were making fun of her clothing. She likes to wear dresses, skirts, etc and hates jeans. Well they all wear jeans. She came to me one morning in tears because the other kids had been teasing her and she was confused on what to wear to school. She did not have ANY jeans! So I promised I would take her and buy her some. She was so happy and relieved. I felt after I had promised I could not just take them back. it was one of those weird situations. If I didn't buy them I felt I was going back on a promise. DH had told me he would have taken them back too!

I did enroll her in ice skating but she isn't too thrilled with now!

Thanks again for all the kind and supportive words.

 

[kellyg403]

I am the mom to 6 children 3 girls and 3 boys. I have a good relationship with all of them except one, my dd20. We have had a rocky relationship since she was 3. At 7 she was diagnosed ADD. At 9 Oppositional Defiant. Everything has been a battle. I felt so guilty so much of the time, and still do on many days. As the years have passed, she has matured and things have gotten better but to this day she will remind me of all the times I didn't have enough time for her, or didn't do this or that. How I bought her sister or brother this or that but didn't buy her something. It never ends. She forgets all the things she did or was given. The funny thing, other than that she is a lot like me in many ways. I sometimes wonder if it is why we butt heads. She was in dance class from age 3-11. But to hear her tell the story, only the other kids got special activities. And I never came to a concert. Totally false. I did miss one concert in high school as I was in the hospital recovering from appendicitis. That one moment has stuck with her forever it seems. The basic idea is her expectations and her reality are way different for some reason. We have struggled and our relationship seems to always be bad, never good.

The whole point of this is to let you know that there is a possibility that it could be more than just pre teen stuff. There could be a medical issue. And really, a parent of an ODD child will tell you, the parent is just as much the problem. We are inconsistent in dealing with our children because we do love them and there are more bad times than good it seems. So we give in, let up and eventually just let it go. Which is the WRONG way to handle it. No matter what, allowing her to speak to you or any adult in a rude manner is unacceptable. Allowing her to push your buttons and feel guilty and constantly make up to her because there is another child in the house is not helping her situation.

I am absolutely NOT saying there is a problem medically. I am saying that if her behavior is not what you expect of her, you will have to be consistent with her. If she throws a fit, stop and remove yourself. If she speaks rudely, do not buy her anything. At this age they are way smarter than you realize and are always looking for instant gratification. And that is something you want to stop now if you can. If she knows that she can guilt you in to getting her way, why shouldn't she? What is her payout? Anything she wants at this point. From a parent who has been there and done that you are not a bad mom. You are a good mom for wondering what you can do to change your relationship NOW instead of when she is a teenager or later.

Good Luck Mom, it will get better. Get dh on board with making sure that her behavior expectations are across the board. If he hears her speaking rudely he should reinforce that she is not to speak to adults that way. He should not let her speak to him, even jokingly, in any different manner until she understands the boundaries. And love her and hug her and do special things with her. Sign her up for those art classes. But, most of all keep her centered in the Real world, not her world.

Kelly

 

[Elmo888]

It's the age!!! I have a DD8 (9 next month), and ugh we had a bad afternoon. DD4 is much easier to get along with right now. DD8 was so easy going for most of her life and DD4 isn't, so I'm guessing that it will be worse with DD4 when she is 8.

It must be a chemical/hormone thing. Sometimes, I think that all she needs is a hug and for me to show her some love. Other times, I think that she needs omega-3s!

And DD8 is, as someone called it, a "sampler". She is about to play her third season of softball, but other than that, she will do an activity for three months or so (if she tries something, I think that she needs to do for 3 - 6 months). So, let her try things, just don't make a huge commitment. That might help her feel like there is some focus on her. Let her try some things. Ask her what she wants to try.

I know how you feel, I know how you feel, I know how you feel!!!!!

 

[flannaga]

I lost my grandma a few years ago after a hard struggle with cancer. My cousin told us all about a conversation she had with my grandmother just a couple of weeks before she died.

One of my cousin's children had asked her that morning about which of her kids she loved most. She gave a typical 'mom' answer to that question, but later in the day, asked my grandma if she ever had a favorite child. Understand, a lucid conversation with my grandma, even a brief one, was rare by that point. Grandma's answer went something like this:

Don, he was my favorite. There is nothing like the feel of your first child lying in your arms. Then came Barb, and oh to see the beauty of the world through a little girls eyes- she was my favorite. Sam was next... and he was the most loving, tender-hearted little boy. He was definitely my favorite. Until we had Wayne... he was 100% little boy and as rough and tumble as they come. Yep, I loved him the most. Well, then LuAnn came and she was always the baby who everybody loved. And I loved her the most.

She continued by talking about each of her 19 grandchildren, why they were special, and how she loved each of us 'the most'. It was the most touching explanation I'd ever heard that while we love each of our children differently, we love each of them 'the most'.

Now I'm sitting here crying as I type this, missing my grandma. I think I loved her 'the most'.