OT - does my 6 year old need anger mangement??

[TashaRVT]

Hi all - I need some off topic advice.

DS6 has been hitting other kids at school lately. His teacher has talked to him, his teacher last year (who is a real hard *** - which is, coincidentally what he needs) has talked to him, and I finally got a call from the principal last week, and again today. My husband and I have talked to him till we're blue in the face, but apparently it hasn't had any effect. I don't know what else to do! We've tried the "understanding" approach, we've tried the "angry" approach, we've taken away priveleges, but it almost sounds like he can't help himself or something. Every incident has been a result of someone either saying something to make fun or make him angry, and so he gets so mad (in his words) that he just hits them before he thinks.

What do I do?? I don't want him to turn into a bully!! The schools around here have "hands off" policies, and they take hitting EXTREMELY seriously. I'm terrified that he'll end up getting expelled at 6 years old!! HELP!!

 

[princessmom29]

How about a good spanking??? Seriously I know that it's not PC and a lot of people will probably flame me for it, but it sounds like taking things away is having little effect. Some kids just don't get it untill they have been spanked IMHO. I was the child that never needed to be spanked to change my behavior. All it took was my mom or dad telling me how disappointed they were. My sister was bullheaded and really didn't care if anyone was upset with her. It took a spanking to modify her behavior. Sorry to say that my DD is the same way, but a little less extereme. Sometimes spanking is the only thing that really phases her. I try removal of privliges time out ect first, but sometimes it takes a spanking to get the message across.

 

[melancholywings]

I don't know your parenting style...do you do time outs and groundings? Have you talked to your doctor about it to rule out anything physical? Is it something he's learning from TV or in your house? I'd talk to your doctor about the behavior, and see what they suggest.

 

[koolaidmoms]

I agree with the above. Talk to your pediatrician.

Also give him alternatives. Have you tried social stories? There are books that talk about different circumstances and what the kids "should" do or may do. Also, if you haven't try to play act out situations like he has been in and show him ways that he could have reacted and what he could have done. Try all different things teasing, taking something away from him without asking or someone pushing him - what should he do...

My son is a hitter but we are working with him on words not fists at every opportunity we can. Our school has a zero tolerance policy on touching other people for any reason. I swore he was going to be thrown out of kindergarten the first week.

Good luck.

 

[figaromeetsmarie]

I don't think your child needs any meds .....personally.....I think kids are medicated too much for problems like these. Kids can be mean to each other....they (not all kids...) bully and tease at some point in Elementary school.... Though, it would not hurt for you to ask your Ped. if they have any hints,etc

You would be suprised at how many kids go through the same thing. Depending on your parenting style.....up the punishment (take things away.....don't give them back at the 1st sign of "Success"..make them earn their things back).

I know it is hard with a 6yo. I think that with maybe a little "harsher" punishement or consequences that you should start to see some progress.


Just my thoughts. Good lucj

 

[sndfan]

Have you considered signing him up for Tae Kwon Do?? TKD teaches discipline, self-control and focus.

I've seen the Masters at my son's TKD school do an INCREDIBLE job with kids.

Best of luck.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I think you would do well with a kid's psychologist or parenting consultant. There are behavior modification techniques that you can learn and practice at home. The key will be consistency and cracking down on the behavior every single time it occurs. You can pass on what you learn to his teacher to keep things consistent.

Our school district has a family therapy group that acts as consultants. Teachers can refer families to them when they see a need. Our son has Asperger's and anxiety and was having trouble with outbursts and compliance in class and at home. We met a wonderful psychologist through the therapy group and we worked with him for about 3 years. We learned behavior management techniques and the psych did role playing with our son to practice what he was learning. We ran into several families from our school in the waiting room! The sessions worked wonders for our son and taught us how to consistently manage his behavior.

You might want to ask your school principal or psychologist if they can recommend any psychologists who specialize in kids and aggressive behavior. Now is the time to get him on track so his behavior doesn't escalate as he gets older. Good luck.

 

[Schmeck]

I've had great success with my kids by turning the situation around on them. For this situation, ask your son how he would feel if someone hit him because of something he said. Or if it would be OK for the child that got hit to hit back, even harder. Ask him where he thinks this type of reaction would lead to? I spent a lot of time asking my girls "and then what do you think will happen?"

 

[CocoJ]

Since this is a recent occurrence, I would wonder what else is happening in school. Is the school work more difficult and he's getting frustrated and then doesn't have the ability to "shake off" the hard words of his classmates? Ask his teacher how he's doing with his academics.

Second, does the school have a school social worker/counselor? It sounds like the class needs some "friendship" groups to learn how not to say hurtful words and coping behavior rather than hitting.

Third, since this is a school issue, the school should have policies in place to deal with it. Perhaps he needs a rewards system so that when he handles the situation correctly, he earns points towards something he really wants. This rewards positive behavior rather than focus on the negative.

At my son's elementary school, the whole school is on a gold star reward system. Whenever a child goes beyond the expected behavior, the child is given a gold star with the good deal written on it. The child takes this star to the office and shows it to the principal and secretary who have the child write his/her name in the special gold star book and is given a gold star pencil. Each week the names are read over the intercom. Lastly, in the spring, the school hosts a gold star carnival to celebrate the children's success.

Good luck!

 

[mykidsintow]

We had a foster son that was similar. We talked and talked and talked. He was driving me mad. Finally one day his teacher called for the 4th time that week and when he came home we went out, got boxes and packed up EVERYTHING in his room.

I left him 6 books, 1 coloring book with 4 ugly color crayons. I took his nice sheets, nice comforter and gave him plain sheets solid blanket. I literally took everything stimulating out of his room except books (no alarm clock, no lamp, no special toy, NOTHING but a bed, solid sheets solid blanket and items listed above.

He was to come in, do homework and remain in his room, have dinner, bathe and go to bed. I setup for the teacher to send home a behavior report. If he brought it home and it was + he could choose one toy to get back to play with. If it was - all toys were returned back to the box to begin again. If he did not bring the paper home he was not allowed to play with his toys, but none were returned to the box, he just could not touch them.

After 2 - days he figured out I was serious. He spent a LONG weekend in his room with those 6 books.... I spoke kindly to him and every morning I would hug him and tell him I could not wait to get a + report and help him pick a toy. Finally after about a week everything just seemed to change. His teacher did call.... she called to ask what happened to make his complete change?! His therapist was over-the-moon impressed with how therapeutic it all was. Instead of "punish punish punish" it was "This is it, you did too much, I am not having it..... its all gone, earn it back". Each day was rewarded instead of a punishment and it reinforced his good behavior. Studies show kids don't react to punishment until age 9. It just doesn't work in their brains, but _ reinforcement does work.

Good luck! My advice is to go get some boxes

 

[RumpleMom]

Yes, yes, I agree with kidsintow.

Go to the library and borrow Dr. John Rosemond's books.

It sounds like Kidsintow was already there, if not then, she could write the books.

 

[mykidsintow]

Yes, yes, I agree with kidsintow.

Go to the library and borrow Dr. John Rosemond's books.

It sounds like Kidsintow was already there, if not then, she could write the books.

I have actually never heard of John Rosemonds..... I may have to check it out!

 

[DVC Tina]

We had a foster son that was similar. We talked and talked and talked. He was driving me mad. Finally one day his teacher called for the 4th time that week and when he came home we went out, got boxes and packed up EVERYTHING in his room.

I left him 6 books, 1 coloring book with 4 ugly color crayons. I took his nice sheets, nice comforter and gave him plain sheets solid blanket. I literally took everything stimulating out of his room except books (no alarm clock, no lamp, no special toy, NOTHING but a bed, solid sheets solid blanket and items listed above.

He was to come in, do homework and remain in his room, have dinner, bathe and go to bed. I setup for the teacher to send home a behavior report. If he brought it home and it was + he could choose one toy to get back to play with. If it was - all toys were returned back to the box to begin again. If he did not bring the paper home he was not allowed to play with his toys, but none were returned to the box, he just could not touch them.

After 2 - days he figured out I was serious. He spent a LONG weekend in his room with those 6 books.... I spoke kindly to him and every morning I would hug him and tell him I could not wait to get a + report and help him pick a toy. Finally after about a week everything just seemed to change. His teacher did call.... she called to ask what happened to make his complete change?! His therapist was over-the-moon impressed with how therapeutic it all was. Instead of "punish punish punish" it was "This is it, you did too much, I am not having it..... its all gone, earn it back". Each day was rewarded instead of a punishment and it reinforced his good behavior. Studies show kids don't react to punishment until age 9. It just doesn't work in their brains, but _ reinforcement does work.

Good luck! My advice is to go get some boxes

This is very impressive advice. It sounds so simple but somehow, I am not sure this would have occurred to me. My children are small yet and I hope not to have to encounter a situation where I need to use it but I have to admit - I copied this post into a word doc and saved it. I just want to remind myself that there are many ways to approach a situation.

Thanks for the insight.

 

[NMMickeymom]

As a school counselor, of course, I would encourage you to talk to yours if you have one. I agree with a previous poster that if the behavior is happening at school they need to be part of helping you find resources to work on the problem. (psychologists, counselors, behavior management specialists) Is hitting a new problem for your son? If this is a new behavior, I would be very curious about the dynamic at school with his peers. I think most kids hit out of frustration and not to be mean. You know your child best. Sometimes the firm and consistent approach works wonders as another poster noted. (And being firm and consistent is often more a challenge for us parents!!) Sometimes they need attention, maybe he is the one getting picked on, another possibility is he is having academic difficulties or he is not being challenged. I would encourage you to spend some time at the school to check things out for yourself if you can. (Especially if he did better in a different classroom environment last year) Volunteer in the classroom, stop by for lunch with your DS, or show up early enough to catch the last recess. You are already ahead of the game being a caring, interested, and engaged parent. I hope everything works out ok!!!!

 

[dvalerieb]

I chose not to go the school psychologist route and instead had my DS7 meet with an APRN that specializes in child psychology. She was incredible, and part of what she tried to get him to do was realize the signs that he was getting mad. She said once kids were too far along in getting worked up, that they reached a point of no return. So she tried to get him to think if his shoulders started tensing before he got really mad, or if his stomach felt tight, etc. Also showed him, "smell the flowers/blow out the candle" which was just deep breathing. One of the most effective things was telling him him body was like a ship and that he needed to take control of the ship. Being a huge Star Wars fan, that just sort of clicked and when I told him last week to "take control of the ship" it sort of snapped him out of his funk. I was shocked that it really clicked. Good luck, it ain't easy!!!

 

[Alesia]

We had a foster son that was similar. We talked and talked and talked. He was driving me mad. Finally one day his teacher called for the 4th time that week and when he came home we went out, got boxes and packed up EVERYTHING in his room.

I left him 6 books, 1 coloring book with 4 ugly color crayons. I took his nice sheets, nice comforter and gave him plain sheets solid blanket. I literally took everything stimulating out of his room except books (no alarm clock, no lamp, no special toy, NOTHING but a bed, solid sheets solid blanket and items listed above.

He was to come in, do homework and remain in his room, have dinner, bathe and go to bed. I setup for the teacher to send home a behavior report. If he brought it home and it was + he could choose one toy to get back to play with. If it was - all toys were returned back to the box to begin again. If he did not bring the paper home he was not allowed to play with his toys, but none were returned to the box, he just could not touch them.

After 2 - days he figured out I was serious. He spent a LONG weekend in his room with those 6 books.... I spoke kindly to him and every morning I would hug him and tell him I could not wait to get a + report and help him pick a toy. Finally after about a week everything just seemed to change. His teacher did call.... she called to ask what happened to make his complete change?! His therapist was over-the-moon impressed with how therapeutic it all was. Instead of "punish punish punish" it was "This is it, you did too much, I am not having it..... its all gone, earn it back". Each day was rewarded instead of a punishment and it reinforced his good behavior. Studies show kids don't react to punishment until age 9. It just doesn't work in their brains, but _ reinforcement does work.

Good luck! My advice is to go get some boxes

This is exactly the right way to handle it.