OT: Discipline for 3 yr old

[ammeador2]

I know what you mean. Today she did ok. We had a family trip to the zoo and then my little brother called and wanted to keep her all night. So, I am sure tomorrow she will be a monster! My neice has no disipline but I feel bad not letting them play together because she is an only child.

So, here's keeping my fingers crossed that this will work! If not I told her that the Fairy Godmother is watching and if she's bad she'll talk to Mickey and cancel our family vacation.

 

[jewelshouse]

Everyone talks about the terrible two's. I have to say I think 3 is worse; they get little attitudes, want more control and they know how to push buttons. Just remember their prefrontal cortex is not yet all the way developed; that's what I keep telling myself anyway.

Just remember this too shall pass, then it's on to the next stage. Back talking, dramatic 9 year olds, pre-hormonal 11 year olds. Oh lord then comes the teenage years

 

[gaelic grace]

I also thought three was worse than two. My daughter didn't get mouthy until then and even though it was just with us it was trying. We used to place things on the refrigerator. It worked like a charm. My daughter has a puppy that she sleeps with and all we had to do was say puppy was going on the refrigerator and we usually got compliance. We would do the opposite when we were trying to break a habit or start a new one. We would buy something she really wanted and put it where she could see it. If she did what she was supposed to for 7 days in a row or whatever she earned the toy. Anytime there was an infraction we started over. Sometimes it took several weeks to earn the toy. I have a friend who puts vinegar and water in a spray bottle and squirts it in her children's mouths when they whine, scream or get sassy. It doesn't hurt them but they don't like it. She says she has only had to do it a couple of times with them and the screaming fits stopped. I haven't been able to do it myself but mine are pretty compliant. If I had tougher kids to crack I might think on it a little more!

 

[AQW]

I have a theory that multiples of three are the worst - 3yo, 6yo, 9yo, 12yo, etc. (Don't ask me why I had my kids three years apart!)

We are strong non-spanking advocates, and try not to use any punitive discipline (time outs and other punishments). I believe people who feel bad act bad, so it's my job as a parent to determine why they feel bad and do what I can to set them up for success. I love the Positive Discipline series of books by Jane Nelsen; my style is very similar to PD with lots of natural and logical consequences.

My dd is quite the impish 3yo; it's hard to stay a half-step ahead of her! But usually if I do a good job determining the root cause of her negative behavior (hungry? tired? bored? lonely?) and do what I can to nip things in the bud, we get by. Three is so wild and wonderful!

 

[Miz Diz]

I have a very stubborn 3 yo daughter. Her time out is sitting on the "naughty step." I got this was from Supernanny, or maybe the other show. Anyway - she would not stay on it, so I would keep walking her back and telling her she could not get off until she heard the timer go off. I would set the timer on the microwave. If she got off, I walked her back and reset the timer. Eventually she got it and now she will stay.

I don't always use time out. Sometimes she gets privileges taken away - like tv time or if we have planned on going to the pool or out somewhere, she may lose that outing. Or sometimes she gets sent to her room to calm down.

When my kids throw temper tantrums because they are not getting their way, I tell them in a very calm way that they can continue screaming and crying if they need to, but they are still not going to get xxxxx. They usually quit pretty quickly when they realize they are not getting their way just because they cried about it.

You really need to figure out what works for you and your daughter. I have found that speaking to my dd in a calm way works better with her and my son listens better when I use a firmer tone.

My dh sometimes makes useless threats that he doesn't mean and has no intention of following through with. I am soooo against that. (I've almost broken him of it by making him hold true to his word) When the kids don't straighten up and you don't take whatever away - they know you don't mean it and won't mean it in the future. It doesn't take them long to figure that out.

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

Time-out will definitely work...if you are consistent! I agree with others, watch Supernanny! If your daughter is really mad about being in time-out...it is working!!! It is not something she enjoys, and therefore she will change her behavior to avoid it. A negative behavior equals a negative consequence. You can do it!

 

[Piper]

I completely understand. My daughter will not do time out either. Interestingly she will do it at school for her teachers. (preschool that is.) I don't get it.

OTher than constraining her it doesn't work for me & I think that will give the wrong message. I do not advocate spanking. I also think that sends the wrong message. If a you spank a child for hitting, what does that teach them? to hit back? I do not think that is the answer. Kids need to learn the cause and effect of their actions. What has worked for me is taking away privileges. I find out what her school schedule is, art projects, recess, movie day, ice cream treats, field tripaetc. and I use it as leverage. I know, but it works for me. I have only brought my self to punish her by making her sit inside for recess or taking away movie day. Her school is great and will have her help them do little chores instead.

Another thought, maybe it's not your DD that has been the problem. Has there been a classroom change or teacher change. I did have alot of problems with my DD for a bout a month after a the school started and she was with some rather less socialized children and a new teacher. I talked to the child care directors and they switched her classroom and I did see immediate improvements.

She probably sits in timeout for her teacher because she knows her teacher expects her to do it and is consistent. Put her in time out--tell her why and how long she needs to stay. If she cries, ignore her--don't talk to her--she is in time out. If she gets up--put her back. The only words you say is, "You're in time out. You need to sit for xx minutes, then you can get up." Keep putting her back. Even if it takes a couple of hours, she needs to see that you are consistent. You have to do this every time she is naughty. It may take a while, but it will improve.

The key is for YOU to be in control, not the child.

I once had a parent tell me that she almost had a wreck on the freeway when her child told her the best thing about school was the rules. Children want to know their boundries. They need to know that there are consequences for their actions. They want to feel safe and know that you are taking care of and protecting them......not that they control you.

 

[bartleby1]

Have you tried finding out what is causing the tantrums or bad behavior? I do NOT spank my kids and use timeouts very sparingly. I think they become ineffective if used too often. Really, I find that just talking with my kids solves most of the problems. I taught all three of mine at a very early age (as soon as they could speak) that I will not pay attention to tantrums. As early as 15-18 mths old, most kids are capable of turning off the tears and telling you what they need in some way. If they aren't speaking by then, they can point or communicate in some way with you. You just have to know their signs and signals (my oldest was a late talker but we still communicated in other ways. If one of my kids was getting upset, I'd look at them in the eyes and tell them to turn off the tears and use their words to tell me what is wrong. If they didn't turn the tears off, I would walk away and tell them to come see me when they were calmer. Quite honestly, I have never seen one of my kids have a full blown-out tantrum because they learned that words work better than fussing. The key to this is to stop the crying and fix the problem before it escalates into a tantrum. Not every bad behavior warrants a time out.

 

[zoemurr]

but when my son was about that age and started throwing fits there was one day when I couldn't take it anymore. I let him be and quietly went and got the video camera. Even at that age I think he understood that this was a permanent record. I taped him, but he stopped quickly. Then I made him watch it, and asked him if he thought Daddy and Grandma would want to see it. He was pretty upset. From then on, when he started, I would just say, "Oh, wait a minute, I have to get the camera" and he would stop.

 

[tam626]

I like that idea!

 

[nessz79]

In my mind that means its working - its what she doesn't want to have to do - it is just perfect -- it of course will be a struggle at first but she will catch on quickly to the you have to either behave to avoid it and if it does get to time out it will be much better if you just do it and get on with life.

Liz

I agree. My 3 y.o. DS HATES time-outs with a passion. So all it usually takes is putting him in time-out and enforcing the full time and he shapes up after that. It's much more effective than spanking (which we have tried with mixed success) and it give them a chance to cool down and redirect.

If she won't stay in time-out, you can do like another poster suggested and putting them in a bedroom until they stop screaming and cool down. We had to do this with the oldest a few times as he could scream for 30 minutes, no joke. That worked very well and his screaming fits came down quite a bit when he realized that he was not going to be listened to.

Good luck!

 

[hink4687]

I agree with AQW. 3 is a tough age. Try and remind yourself "those who feel bad, act bad." When she's throwing her tantrums is she tired? hungry? overstimulated? Did something happen that day that might have thrown her off? Just remember their tantrums aren't necessarily to manipulate us or make life harder on us. Sometimes they really are very big feelings our little ones are having that they don't know how to express correctly. Have you ever been super angry and didn't know what to do with those emotions? Its why lots of people hit things when they are mad because they weren't taught how to properly release those emotions. Strong emotions are very real at every age of life. So I wouldn't punish her for feel big emotions because she can't control that. That doesn't necessarily mean to give in to her tantrums either though. If she's wanting something and you don't want her to have that, and she throws a fit, acknowledge that you understand why she's feel so upset. I say something like, "it looks like your really mad that I won't give you a cookie. I'm sorry you can't have a cookie. Cookies are for after mealtime and we are about to have dinner. If your hungry you can have a carrot to snack on in the meantime but no cookie until after dinner." If that just escalates him then I'll let him work his big feelings out and try and give him things to comfort him. Maybe his special toy or lovie. And remind him that I know he's mad and why he's mad but the situation is simply not going to change.

I also use lots of behavior modification basically at this age. If he's not picking up his toys when I ask him to, I'll go manually take his hands and help him pick up the toys. If he's throwing things and I asked him to stop, I'll go to him and manually grab his arms and not allow him to throw anymore. Lots of hands on with your little one to teach them your expectations and let them know that what you say stands. It can be more work than basic punishments but its much more effective!

 

[labdogs42]

My son wasn't big into staying in time out either. To quote Dr. Phil (who I HATE incidently, but this one works) - we "found his currency".

If he's misbehaving or does something that would deserve a time out, he doesn't go in time out - his animals have to go. And time out for them is served by going into a tote bag in daddy's truck and disappearing for the entire day. Sometimes they (the animals) will have daddy call to find out if they're allowed to come home. And they're only allowed back if we've had a day of good behavior.

We do a warning first, and if he doesn't listen to the warning, the animals go for a ride. Usually works like a charm.

This is pretty much what I do with DS. I tell him to do X and if he doesn't do it, I will take away what ever toys he is playing with at the time and they will go in time out. Works like a charm. I like the Love and Logic series of books, too. They have some great ideas about discipline that revolve more around what motivates the child and letting them be involved in discipline choices. I really like their approach. I'm not so enthralled with spanking and times outs (and yes, I have tried them both!).

 

[ammeador2]

Anyone know where I can get a "good behavior" chart? Or does anyone have a chart that they might have made themselves? I'm not super creative. I read that I could do a short term chart..with weekly prize since she's 3. Any suggestions?

 

[LoveTwoTravel]

Here's what works for us. I don't really like to get much into parenting other people's children so please, no negative comments on our chosen methods/techniques.

We use a version of the "Dilly Discipline Ladder" (google it to find out more) and it works GREAT for us. We adapted it to our family situation and start out with the toys/privileges that are the most prized by said child and so those are lost first--that usually does it and we don't have to go down further most days). We put ours on the fridge and use a magnet to mark where child is that day. KEEP IT SIMPLE. Since one child cannot read that child's chart is pictures of toys/privileges.

It's important (in our parenting technique/philosophy) that the child realize that their behavior is directly related to THEM--not us being "mean." Our kid(s) also sit in time out for a length of time that they determine--when they can tell us what earned them the time out and how they SHOULD have acted then they come out. We've had no problems w/a child popping right up and saying a perfunctory "sorry."

Also, when one child wrongs another (or someone else) they not only have to apologize but they must also do something nice for that person during that same day. If child kicks father then child goes moves down behavior ladder. If child balks at that then it's a time out. Either way child must still do something nice for father--maybe take his plate to the kitchen or put his shoes in his closet.

Remember that children aren't "bad" they just need us to communicate in a different way if they are having problems. Love, love, love...even tough love.

Love children how they NEED to be loved and "discipline" is not the same thing as "punishment." We don't "punish" our kids, we love and discipline them. We prefer hands-off. But that's us.

Good luck!!

 

[hink4687]

I love the idea of making amends and not just saying sorry. I think that's so important to teach our kids!

 

[PollyannaMom]

Well I never had a problem with my DD at 3, BUT at 9 well the Hormones have kicked in and soooo have the tantrums she get's soooo frustrated!, she can't get her point across without totally loosing the plot and more.... , but in a way I totally feel for her , we use marbles, she get's one for good behaviour and then looses them when her behaviour is unacceptable, we also have our family rules up on the door, so that she doesn't forget

We have marbles, too! (DS is 7.) The reason I love it is that it stops ME from getting sucked into an argument over whatever it is. Instead of words, it's just "plink" - kind of like using a timer instead of nagging; it's just harder to argue with.

OP - I totally agree with what others said about 3 being the new 2! The thoughts in their heads are just all of a sudden so much more complicated than they can express.

If you're looking for reward charts to download, I would actually check the potty training sites - Pull-ups or something. They probably have some sort of weekly chart formats, and you could just tape a new title over theirs.

Also, I would be careful about threatening to take away the trip - pick something smaller you can follow through on in case she tests you.

Best of luck!!

 

[meowmarie]

I hate giving parenting advice too, and I'm kind of a new parent so please no flames lol. We have a DD3, we got her as a foster child at 21 months old and sometimes it's hard because we don't know her background. The best thing we've found that works for HER is what I call a "brown out" lol. If we're sitting around watching a DVD (for example) and she starts whining or throwing a fit, she gets a warning. If she keeps it up, it's a brown out. DVD goes off and I get up and do things I need to do around the house. I tell her when she's ready to talk like a big girl (or sometimes I say "in your big girl voice" lol) then we can talk, until then no toys and TV stays off. That is usually enough to get her to calm down and talk to me, and then I can reason with her. If not then she just stays in the living room and continues to throw her fit while we go about our business. I refuse to argue with her any more. If she says I'm mean or "I'm not her friend" I just shrug my shoulders. When she gets in that mode there is no reasoning with her and the only thing that happens is hurtful words get said from everyone. And all she wants is attention anyways, and by giving in to her at all, she basically gets what she wants. When we stop what we're doing to yell at her, pander to her, whatever, she is in control. And in my mind I'm not giving her what SHE wants until I get what I want lol. So now she can follow us around, scream yell, basically do anything but break things or hurt us, and we just ignore her. Even if she does go to her room and play with toys I don't yell. At first she'll do it just to see if I'll drop what I'm doing and follow her, but in the end it makes her calm down. Normally she just follows me around and will start saying the most outlandish things so that I'll pay attention to her. Sometimes it's hard not to laugh. "I'm sick mommy!" "I have an owie!" "The dog bit me!" Occasionally we remind her that when she talks in her big girl voice we will sit back down, talk to her, and turn her DVD back on. I get more chores done this way too lol. I do my laundry, the dishes, and the best part is, it just about always works! (I should knock on wood though, you never know when that might change!) As soon as she does "give in" and talk in her big girl voice and use her words, then "the lights" come back on so to speak and we turn our attitude around for her. We don't still act mad at her (or else she will have no reason to "come around" in the future). We DO have a talk about how what she did "wasn't nice" and we make her apologize. But she has to be calm first or she just can't be reasoned with, and if she doesn't have an audience, "the show" just isn't worth it lol. I will say that the first time we attempted this, it took over 2 hours for her to calm down. She didn't know what to do! I seriously didn't think it would work, but I kept telling myself that I can't cave now, she'll know that if she whines loud enough mom will cave! She FINALLY gave in and stopped her tantrum and started behaving better, and it has never taken that long since then. Consistency is key, they are always testing those boundaries subconsciously or otherwise.

If she throws a fit in a public place we typically do something similar. Let's say we're in Target and she wants to buy something and starts throwing a fit when I say no, I just start walking away. If she keeps it up I'm not afraid to leave the store either lol. Anyways her tempertantrums have decreased drastically in the last 6 months since we went from the attempted time outs to this method. It probably sounds like it happens all the time but really I would say that a dramatic fit only happens like once or twice a week now instead of like every night, and is typically MUCH shorter in duration. My husband will sometimes pull out the "you're acting like a baby and only big girls can meet the princesses" line lol! If she isn't all worked up it usually works too! Seriously though I don't like to threaten things I can't deliver on. Every once in a while you have to hold up one of those threats just to show them you mean business lol. I will also say that in the beginning stages of a tantrum if she starts saying really ridiculous stuff for attention and isn't in full tantrum mode yet, I'll just kind of get this silly look on my face and look at her kind of crazy and say "Really?! Are you sure?!" and kind of start to smile. This will usually make her start cracking up and then I'll say "Oh I knew you were just teasing!" It's funny too cause you can tell she doesn't want to give in to the laugh but she can't help it hehe. If she continues the pout then I know it's going to get bad lol.

Good luck with your situation, I really feel for you. Each child is different and you have to find what works for them. Typically it's a control or power struggle issue, especially with mom's and daughters. The thing I found with too many punishments (or demerits of some kind if you're using a system) is that at some point when tensions are high and everything is heated, I would start taking away things or piling the punishments on one after the other, and then I think she would just kind of decide that she had nothing left to lose and she had no motivation to act better. And in the end all she wanted was my attention anyways, and I was giving it to her lol. This way we all take a moment to cool down, get rational, and not say things we know we'll regret later. I feel like my relationship has improved with her as well. It wasn't bad or anything, but sometimes I felt like we were arguing every night and she was starting to prefer daddy lol! Anyways my best advice is just to maintain the power/control of the situation and don't let HER "train" YOU if you know what I mean. When they start predicting your behavior and adapting their actions accordingly, that's when it gets bad. Those girls can really know what buttons to push too lol.

And just wait, one day our girls will be teenagers! Hugs!!

Val

 

[labdogs42]

This website has some nice printable chore, potty, and other charts.
http://www.childavenue.com/pages/family_corner_pages/printables.html

and more..
http://www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com/behaviorcharts3-10.htm

 

[solgent]

Have you tried finding out what is causing the tantrums or bad behavior? I do NOT spank my kids and use timeouts very sparingly. I think they become ineffective if used too often. Really, I find that just talking with my kids solves most of the problems. I taught all three of mine at a very early age (as soon as they could speak) that I will not pay attention to tantrums. As early as 15-18 mths old, most kids are capable of turning off the tears and telling you what they need in some way. If they aren't speaking by then, they can point or communicate in some way with you. You just have to know their signs and signals (my oldest was a late talker but we still communicated in other ways. If one of my kids was getting upset, I'd look at them in the eyes and tell them to turn off the tears and use their words to tell me what is wrong. If they didn't turn the tears off, I would walk away and tell them to come see me when they were calmer. Quite honestly, I have never seen one of my kids have a full blown-out tantrum because they learned that words work better than fussing. The key to this is to stop the crying and fix the problem before it escalates into a tantrum. Not every bad behavior warrants a time out.

I agree with this totally. We never spanked and rarely used time outs.

My immediate question was the same: Why is she behaving this way? What leads her to kick or have a fit? My children functioned well under the following conditions

*Have clear expectations
*Try to phrase things positively rather than negatively. Examples: "Be gentle to the cat" instead of "Stop hitting the cat" or "Step over the puddles" instead of "Don't step in the puddle." It may sound silly, but sometimes children do not know what you WANT them to do, only what you don't want. I think not knowing makes them nervous and prone to being upset. They want to please you and they want to know how!
*Praise them often for good behavior. Be specific. Say "I like how you put your crayons away" rather than "What a good girl!"
*Maintain routine
*Keep them engaged in activities like coloring, building with Legos, puzzles, etc.
*Go outside for a change of pace
*Don't let them get too hungry or tired
*Pick your battles. I wouldn't worry about the child saying she doesn't like you. She's just trying to get a reaction.
*Be silly. Humor can really change the mood.