OT: dd almost 10 and s*x education in grade 5

[ilisao]

One of the worst things you can do is withhold information. They'll only hear about sex elsewhere. My kids are 9 and6 and I've talked about sex with them. My DD knows about periods. Having that knowledge hasn't made them "lose their childhood". But, I've made sure that from early on they have been armed with knowledge.

And why on earth to you asterisk out sex? It's not a dirty word. Really. It's not.

 

[Aristomommy]

DD is in 5th grade this year. Her science teacher said at the open house that the new state science requirement is that in 5th grade they will be explained the female and male reproductive anatomy. It is not until 6th-7th grade that they will learn the "function" of these parts. Not sure why it has changed. DD10 is a young 5th grader. She just turned 10 last week and is not developing. She still knows about her anatomy, puberty and the changes that are coming. She has always asked questions and I answer them age appropriately. I think 5th grade is a good age, because most boys and girls are not yet in puberty (some may be) and it gives parents the opportunity to discuss things.

OP: I found that discussing things in the car works wonders! I'm driving so she doesn't see the look on my face when she asks the questions and she feels more comfortable asking questions. Also, she is buckled in, so no running away, LOL. Just don't drive into a ditch when you get some unexpected questions. I'm not a prude, but if DD asks about my personal experiences, those questions may make me blush....

 

[Belle1962]

We had it in fifth--thank goodness because that's when "it" hit me and at least the other girls were aware. (My mom had had 'the talk" with me before then)

 

[toesmom]

I want to thank you for all your informed opinions. I guess you are right, and the basic knowledge should be presented. Don't think I like the "... sometimes it hurts" comment, I think that is a little too much information - I will talk to the teacher about what is being presented. Sex is not a dirty word, and is part of married life, I want my dd to understand that it is for married couples, not a teenager thing.

So 5th grade is just about the right time. Sounds like the car trip back home from school will be a good start.

the only reason for the asterisk is that I was worried the thread would be locked if there are filters.

 

[mjkacmom]

I want to thank you for all your informed opinions. I guess you are right, and the basic knowledge should be presented. Don't think I like the "... sometimes it hurts" comment, I think that is a little too much information - I will talk to the teacher about what is being presented. Sex is not a dirty word, and is part of married life, I want my dd to understand that it is for married couples, not a teenager thing.

So 5th grade is just about the right time. Sounds like the car trip back home from school will be a good start.

the only reason for the asterisk is that I was worried the thread would be locked if there are filters.

You can teach her your values, but she's going to find out that teens ARE having sex - don't give her misinformation, or she's not going to trust you anymore. My kids know that teens have sex, but that I think it's important to wait until you are an adult. I can't imagine the teacher was talking about sex with regards to it hurting - maybe having her period?

 

[NMAmy]

I'm 45 years old and also had sex ed in 5th grade although my mom had told me everything before I had the class.

Many girls start their periods at 11--I think it's important for them to know in advance what's going to happen. I also think it's important for my dd to know she can ask me anything and I won't freak out or avoid the subject. It's so much easier if you start that when they're young and still think you're wonderful. DD knew everything by the age of 8 because we had a series of ongoing discussions from the time she was tiny.

OP--I think you're doing the right thing by starting a conversation with your dd. I know it's hard for them to grow up but it's going to happen whether you want it to or not and it's best for your child to be prepared. Knowledge is power.

 

[jennilouwho]

I'm 30. Had a "your body is changing" thing in 5th grade. We watched a video where the parents make pancakes in the shape of a uterus...very informative. The neighbor girl taught me the birds and the bees when I was 6 years old.... I agree that teacher's comment was over the top for a child, but it's definitely time to start the discussion. I think our formal sex ed started in 6th grade.

 

[crisi]

"Sex" ed usually starts out in the early years as "puburty ed" with a little bit of "sex can get you pregnant, don't do it" thrown in. At each stage of teaching, its age sensitive and gets more detailed. In public schools an attempt is made to keep in values neutral with regards to "unmarried sex" - but it is value skewed towards discourging teenaged pregnancy - i.e. IF you are going to have sex as a teen, use birth control and protect yourself against STDs.

I wouldn't present it as being for married couples - she is going to learn fast enough that plenty of unmarried couples do it. I'd present it as "according to your family values" - you believe that sex belongs inside marriage. You also believe that as a parent of a minor child you set the rules about what she can and cannot do - if she wants to choose different values as an adult, she may - although you would hope she would keep the values instilled by you.

 

[tzolkin]

We did our sex ed when I was in 7th grade. I can't remember too much, but it was more about puberty and the very basics of anatomy/sex. There was one point when they separated out the boys and girls and we were taught that "one day" we were going to start menstuating and what a pad was and not to be scared. I thought 7th grade was a little late for this information. I started mentruating and wore a C-cup bra when I was in 5th grade.

My DD is in 5th grade this year. I haven't heard anything about sex-ed yet. But, we've discussed anatomy, development, and sex since my children were babies, so it doesn't matter to me what age they cover the topic in school. I will, however, find out what they are teaching. I have seen too much misinformation (and even intimidation) given to children/teens, so I plan to discuss the material with my child and the teacher.

 

[Matt'sMom]

"Sex" ed usually starts out in the early years as "puburty ed" with a little bit of "sex can get you pregnant, don't do it" thrown in. At each stage of teaching, its age sensitive and gets more detailed. In public schools an attempt is made to keep in values neutral with regards to "unmarried sex" - but it is value skewed towards discourging teenaged pregnancy - i.e. IF you are going to have sex as a teen, use birth control and protect yourself against STDs.

This is exactly how sex ed is handled in our school district too. Basic 'body changes' type info is introduced in 5th grade, with more detailed sex ed info explored during 8th grade health.

Many girls start their 'period' at the age of 10 or 11, and it is important for them to be prepared and to understand that this is a completely normal part of life. I had a close friend whose mother never told her anything about menstrual periods... and the poor gal thought she was sick and/or dying when she first got hers at the age of 10! Very sad. I also remember there being at least one 12 year old girl in our school who was pregnant in 7th grade--we did not have any form of school introduced sex ed until 8th grade back then.

Children need to be provided with the necessary knowledge at an approrpiate age, so that they can make well informed choices. Since girls can get pregnant begining around 10-12 years of age... and any age can get STDs... I am all for sex ed in the schools. Values are a whole different subject, and need to be taught at home and in church (since the public schools are often forced to take more of a 'politically correct' approach).

 

[monsterkitty]

I want to thank you for all your informed opinions. I guess you are right, and the basic knowledge should be presented. Don't think I like the "... sometimes it hurts" comment, I think that is a little too much information - I will talk to the teacher about what is being presented. Sex is not a dirty word, and is part of married life, I want my dd to understand that it is for married couples, not a teenager thing.

So 5th grade is just about the right time. Sounds like the car trip back home from school will be a good start.

the only reason for the asterisk is that I was worried the thread would be locked if there are filters.

I second the poster who stated the teacher was not talking about "sex" hurting sometimes, but the physical changes that occur in the body. Think of the growing pains you had as you matured, or the cramps that bless many of us every month. They hurt!

If this is the first discussion your DD has ever had about sex, there is a good chance she is not differentiating between having sex and how bodies changes. Here is an example of what I mean:

I teach band. I was trying to get the students to support their sound by breathing correctly. I taught them there is a muscle below their ribcage that supports their breathing. One student said, "Oh, our diaphragm muscle!"

The next morning I had a very angry mother at my door. She wanted to know why I was teaching sex ed in band. I was lost. I had no clue what she was talking about, until she shouted, "I don't appreciate you teaching my child about birth control or diaphragms!"

The child was a great kid, but in her mind she only heard diaphragm and that is what she talked to the mother about. There is a very good chance that your DD heard only a portion of what was said because she may have been overwhelmed with the discussion.

 

[desparatelydisney]

I remember starting my period in the 5th grade and being mortified when I found blood because I didn't know what was happening and my mom had not talked to me yet. We had sex ed in the 6th grade. I WISH we had had it in 5th, then I would not have been so scared that first day. I know how you feel, but sometimes protecting them too much can be just as bad as not protecting them at all.

 

[Vijoge]

My oldest granddaughter is in the 5th grade. She wears (and needs) a bra, cries about everything, and has her pads at the ready, including in her book bag because we know it's coming. I hope when the big day arrives some of this wailing drama stops LOL!

Kids are going to find out about sex no matter what. The big question is whether we want that information to come from us, at school in a class, or on the playground from another kid who only thinks he/she knows the facts.

I went to high school with a girl who, as a sophomore, believed that she could get pregnant from kissing a boy. She kissed a boy on a hayrack ride and then tried to terminate the supposed pregnancy with 7-up!

A boy I went to high school with was positive a girl could only get pregnant if she was on her period.

And not all boys will say anything they have to just to get a girl to have sex with him.

 

[ONdisney]

As a sexual health nurse, I think that grade 5 is the right time to begin the discussion at school. Kids are starting puberty earlier and earlier. I would recommend that you have a talk with her prior to the one at school. This way the info won't come as such a shock and she will be more inclined to absorb the info.
Every day at work, I am surprised of the amount of young women that don't even know the proper names for parts of their anatomy, let alone are informed enough to make good choices about their sexuality.

 

[bumbershoot]

We had sex ed in 5th grade.

But when I was 9, I was in 3rd. And I wouldn't have been anywhere NEAR understanding what they were talking about, and would hope that my mom would have made sure to pull me from that class.

They didn't send opt-out info home ahead of time?

 

[bumbershoot]

I read the rest of the thread.

I don't think you should withhold information from her, but talking to a 9 year old about things is different than talking to an 11 year old.

Heck, in 5th grade there was a pack of "stoner" boys who made the teacher literally have a nervous breakdown in front of us, and when we went on the traditional-for-the-area 5th grade week-long camp, there were a few kids who snuck off to "make out", so it's not like I think 5th graders are innocence and light. But again, if I were only NINE when I was in 5th grade, I know for sure my mom wouldn't have sent me to that camp. There's a big maturity difference!

On the other hand, she's in class with these people, so it would really behoove you to find out what the teacher taught (exactly) so you can go over it with your daughter. Fill in the gaps she might have missed, since she's younger and since learning sex ed with your classmates is embarrassing! At least that way you KNOW what has been taught to her, and you have a chance to give your thoughts and values on top of the facts she was taught, and she'll be stronger for it.

I couldn't ever believe what my classmates thought was true, even though we'd all sat through the same classes together. But my mom had starting the information flow long before, so while it was new to have all the info at once in a classroom setting, the actual basic info wasn't new to me (despite her efforts I was and still am one of the biggest prudes about talking about such things, LOL).

 

[Denine]

I am 40 and we had the sex ed class in the 5th grade. The boys and girls were separated.

Yes, they talked about menstruation. but girls are hitting puberty even earlier these days.

Do you know how many girls are pregnant by age 12? some even younger.

Now, that being said, I Home school my DD who is 6 and when she asks questions, I answer them on her level. I think it is important for them kids to know about their bodies and what is happening to them.

I am not talking about birth control or abortion or anything lie that. Just the facts of what happens.

 

[ChrisandDon'sMommy]

I teach high school and i think you are asking for trouble by leaving it untill then. By then she will have gotten bad/wrong info from her friends no matter how careful you are and what kind of friends you think she has. Someone will tell her something.By the time kinds get to high school they tend to think they know it all and don't listen. I really feel like it is better to get them the correct info before they even start considering it. Probably 70% of our pregnant teens are ninth and tenth graders. Once they get older they think more about actions and consequences, and many fewer get pregnant. As much as we don't want our kids to grow up it is necessary that they get the correct information about STD's, protecting themselves, and abstinence. I have so many pregnant teens who got pregnant because the had wrong information. So and so told me I wouldn't get pregant if I did __________. I have heard it all and that sad truth is that a 13-15 year old just doesn't have the capacity to consider the long term consequences of that one action. They get pressured by an older boyfriend, or think they can keep a boyfriend by doing it. By arming them with information and fostering self worth we vkeep them from making bad decisions. I think not addressing it at all until they reach high school is catching the problem way too late.

I agree! She'll be hitting puberty soon. It's time, Mom (or Dad).

As for me, our health class discussed this in the 5th grade. Yes, I was at a Catholic school.

 

[rt2dz]

OK, kids are maturing earlier. Physically. Emotionally they *act* more mature and many start kissing (even if parents don’t allow them to date) in middle school. It’s what happens at school you need to worry about. You really want your child to know things BEFORE they encounter a situation. That doesn’t mean they have to have it at school, but educate your children at home at least. Remember, sex education isn’t a how-to manual. They are not discussing positions or anything. Sex education is about what happens and how.

Education is never a bad thing. Knowing about sex will not encourage them to have sex (or ruin their childhood in any way); at young ages it’s just a blip and no more than knowing why they have snot in their noises. It can very well keep them from getting into a situation they are not ready for because of lack of knowledge and their friends are doing it. You really want the information coming from you first, and presented in a factual sense, than from friends or over hearing it and possible misinformation.

Never lie about anything. People who aren’t married have sex, and kids know it sooner or later.

Thought I’d share a story: About a year or so ago, during a FAMILY film, I had to tell two middle school aged kids to stop having sex in the back of the movie theater—they were too young and it was an inappropriate place. I’m sure their parents thought a public place was safe.

 

[mjh8955]

Our kids go to a private Christian school. About 3 years ago I was serving on our Parent Advisory Council (parent representatives from elementary, junior high, high school, teachers, administrators and also our student council president). The topic came up as to what are we doing with sex education, where is it in our curriculum? To our surprise the senior student council student spoke up and said all that was being taught was a brief discussion to sophomore girls, it was too little too late and was a joke. We were all stunned. Clearly in this day and age with kids being bombarded with crap from the media in all directions we thought we needed to do more. We especially were concerned with preserving our students' self-esteem and equipping them for life after high school. I served on a committee that was charged with investigating what other schools were doing and then making a recommendation. What we found is that no other private school was touching the subject beyond one Catholic school that brought a nurse and a doctor in for half of one day, bombarded the poor kids, and then called it a day never to discuss it again.

What we did, after about 2 years of research, consulting with doctors, nurses, social workers, youth pastors, etc. was to hire a Christian curriculum developer to create and help teach a K through 12 curriculum that blends Bible, Science and Health into AGE APPROPRIATE information. We formed an advisory panel of experts (again, doctors, nurses, parents, youth pastors and other experts in related fields) to help guide us. In Kindergarte through 3rd the curriculum was pretty much already in place; covering the basic body parts, appropriate behavior, how you treat each other. Each year they reviewed a little bit, and then learned a little more. We struggeled with where to introduce some of the concepts but we had girls maturing in 4th grade so we felt that we needed to start introducing it then. We created a giant grid of all the topics we could brainstorm and then worked for months at placing each topic in to the appropriate grade. Junior High deals with more information and that is when they get some really good self-worth concepts. Our High Schoolers are covering some pretty intense topics. With some of the topics we bring in professionals to teach and answer questions and separate the sexes. The whole conept was presented to parents, we had parent information sessions and our school board backed us 100%. There is a parent component so they know what is being taught every week, they can have their kids opt out but that rarely happens. We were amazed but the whole curriculum was fully embraced and not one family left the school or had a problem with it. The concept of talking about body parts, health, appropriate behavior and self-esteem was no big deal for the kids by the time they got to the older grades. It wasn't like having a one-day secret private talk. We made it just a fact of life and kept things open and honest. We called it Life Skills Curriculum and it has been hugely successful. Our program is different because we start in Kindergarten and build all the way through, and it is bible-based.

The more facts you can provide kids today, and the more self-esteem they have, the fewer problems they will encounter when they are older. I firmly believe that.