OT-bedroom help

[Nancyg56]

I'm a step-daughter who was treated much the same way as you are treating your step-children. For Christmas my sister and I would get a pair of gloves while my step-sibbling would get televisions with game systems and vcrs. The older ones got microwaves and Vegas trips. You know, small things like that. When staying with my dad's new family, my sister and I would get the couch and the love seat, even though there were other rooms with empty beds. We didn't get the beds because step-mom would save those for the older kids in case they came home from college for the weekend.

We grew resentful, and in turn did just as the OP hopes her step-kids will do - decide not to visit their dad. To this day we call our step"mom" our wicked step-monster.
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My DH uncle remarried a woman who had two children. She did everything she could to disenfranchise his three girls and she really succeeded. As far as she was concerned there was no life before she entered into it. To this day those girls are scarred b their Dad's lack of interest in them. I have no use for anyone who treats children like they are second class family simply because of their birth order and their parents choices.

O know that I have mentioned this before but I was married before, first husband died and left me with three small children. The man I married after that only refers to my children as his steps when it is clear that the persn he is speaking to does not understand how a man who never had kids has three adult children and one granddaughter. His sister made the mistake of turning her back on our precious little Kady and he has never stepped foot into her home again. There is no such thing as step in a loving family.

OP- I have always felt badly for those poor children but I can tell you that as much as I dis[ise your treatment of them I am appalled by their own father. Any man who allows his children to be treated so shabbily deserves whatever he gets later in life, and we all know people whose children have turned their back on aging parents. Those fools ask why but I can understand it!

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

The only two options that make any sense are putting the two youngest together or putting the baby in your room. You may not sleep well with the baby in your room, but you and your dh are the ones that decided to have a fourth child when there isn't enough room in the house, so you should be the ones sacraficing.

OP you might be getting stressed out and feeling like this is a pile on? Its just that any time you mention those children your resentment just seeths through the post and oozes on to the board. I can feel it. Not to mention all the stuff that you posted on thebump.

Providing for children that are not your own is what a step parent signs up for. That's a life you willingly choose and embraced. And now you resent that your children have to share resources with them? Hardly fair.

If you don't give your DSD her own room I can totally see what will happen: she'll get a tiny corner and a twin bed, a drawer and maybe a sliver of the closet, while most of the room will be filled with toddler crap for your DD. If your husband shares custody with his ex, those children need to have a HOME in your home nad they need to feel as loved, valued and treaured as thier half sister.

Fortunately for them I'm pretty sure your marriage is temporary anyway. Just wait, though, to see how wife #3 treats your kids. Maybe she'll be as much of a peach as you are.

 

[soonerfan2008]

I don't know this poster's history, but some of you are being exceptionally harsh. You make it sound like she should give the older kids each their own room BECAUSE they are bonus kids- not because that is what necessarily works in their situation. Otherwise, they will feel displaced by the new baby. Guess what- in all families when a new baby comes along, everyone has to adjust!

I realize she has vented about her situation before, but unless you have ever been a stepmom, you have NO IDEA the storm and strife it creates. (Not to mention that most people I know vent about their families, step or not, sometimes).

When you marry a man with children, there is no way to know the myriad of situations you will be in. Some of them will be great, some of them will not be great- just like any family situation. From what I read of the OP history, she watches her stepchildren all summer with no extra money for fun or activities from her husband, but yet she wants them there because she loves them. I'm sure she has some resentment, but it sounds like she does enjoy the kids and provides for them well (And I never saw her say she intended to put the 13 year old on a couch, only that he wants to do that).

And for all of you criticizing her for calling them her stepkids, just know that might not be all her doing. Just as many of you, especially those of you who are ex-wives, would likely jump all over her if she referred to them as "her kids" because, by golly, she is NOT their mother. In my own situation, my stepsons (bonus kids) get in trouble if they do not refer to me as their stepmom. I get berated (by biomom) if I do not clarify loud and clear that they are my stepchildren. Is that petty of her? Absolutely. Does it hurt her kids who do see me as a Mom? Absolutely. The OP may face a similar situation.

 

[jobhunter]

I don't know this poster's history, but some of you are being exceptionally harsh. You make it sound like she should give the older kids each their own room BECAUSE they are bonus kids- not because that is what necessarily works in their situation. Otherwise, they will feel displaced by the new baby. Guess what- in all families when a new baby comes along, everyone has to adjust!

I realize she has vented about her situation before, but unless you have ever been a stepmom, you have NO IDEA the storm and strife it creates. (Not to mention that most people I know vent about their families, step or not, sometimes).

When you marry a man with children, there is no way to know the myriad of situations you will be in. Some of them will be great, some of them will not be great- just like any family situation. From what I read of the OP history, she watches her stepchildren all summer with no extra money for fun or activities from her husband, but yet she wants them there because she loves them. I'm sure she has some resentment, but it sounds like she does enjoy the kids and provides for them well (And I never saw her say she intended to put the 13 year old on a couch, only that he wants to do that).

And for all of you criticizing her for calling them her stepkids, just know that might not be all her doing. Just as many of you, especially those of you who are ex-wives, would likely jump all over her if she referred to them as "her kids" because, by golly, she is NOT their mother. In my own situation, my stepsons (bonus kids) get in trouble if they do not refer to me as their stepmom. I get berated (by biomom) if I do not clarify loud and clear that they are my stepchildren. Is that petty of her? Absolutely. Does it hurt her kids who do see me as a Mom? Absolutely. The OP may face a similar situation.

I agree the step vs. kids would be tricky for the bio-mom. But I bet most would rather have the stepmom claim them too much than neglect or mistreat them.

Soonerfan, it kind of makes me sad that you say your stepsons think of you like a Mom yet you do not include emoticons for them in our sig like you do your 'real' kids.

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

I have to agree with what most here are saying...older children deserve their own room, younger ones should share. I'm divorced and I hate when my son goes to his dad's house and doesn't have a place to sleep. If he was going to his father's house 50% of the time, you can bet your bottom dollar I would get a lawyer involved if he didn't have his own place. For the two weeks a year he spends there, it isn't a big deal... More than that, and I would have a problem with it.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

And I have reached a decision on bedrooms. Everyone has to move around but everyone will continue to have a room. DD will be sharing with either DSD or the new baby. I'm going to wait a few months to decide which. And to the pp who asked about DD waking DSD up---nothing wakes DSD up. She has begged for DD to move into her room several times but we haven't really needed to consider taking her up on it. We still may not.

Something to think about, if a toddler and an 8yo are sharing a room the 8yo is going to be complaining about the toddler getting into stuff and you're going to have to make sure that there aren't any small things in the room for the toddler to put in her mouth or break, it really isn't a good idea. I honestly can't imagine an 8yo asking to share a room with a little one, we had to keep my older kids' doors closed with doorknob covers on all the time to keep the baby out because of little toys, books, school papers, the radio, etc.

The best solution IMO is to put the baby in your room until they are sleeping through the night, then move them into the room with your youngest.

 

[BelleWDW]

I remember the ice cream/swimming thread and felt so bad for those kids.

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What happened on that thread?

 

[Mouse House Mama]

What happened on that thread?

I don't remember all the details but something like their own mother gave them money to spend at their dad's house and stepmom got mad that the kids bought ice cream and paid for swimming when they should have saved it for their disney trip. I think she might have even threatened to not take them with them or something too. There have been a bunch of threads where she basically lets everyone know that she is annoyed that she has stepchildren.

Oh- and for the poster who feels bad for the OP because her husband won't give her money to pay for activities, well, I say that that is the OP's problem and before I had any kids with a man like that I would have straightened that nonsense out. What parent treats their own kids like that? Disgusting.

 

[iheartnmr's]

That swimming/ice cream post is posted earlier in this thread.

What the above poster said is true but she also has said that her step daughter blew through the $5.00 she brought over from her mom's (because we all know $5.00 goes oh so far) and then had the gall of asking for money for swimming. Nope, they certainly weren't going to pay for it. So she stormed into her husband and told her she was sick of this fighting over money with his kids and then he got mad that the kids were sqandering their money they brought over from their mom's (since they don't get any allowance at their dad's house) and he cancelled their Dinsey trip. I guess they were required to pay their own way.

Personally, it's a bit much to ask an 8 year old to save up for a year for a trip that may not happen or one that is constantly being held over their heads with the threat of cancellation if they don't tow the line.

I understand saving money (as long as the kids get some money to save which isn't the case here). Tell the kid's they have, as an example $50.00, for souveniers and anything over that they have to pay for. This didn't seem tobe the case here. Heaven forbid an 8 year old wants an ice cream cone.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

Since we're explaining history, here, let me add a cherry on top for you. The relationship with the DH is whacked. I won't go into specifics, just do a search on her old posts to get the picture. I suspect that if she didn't have so much resentment for her DH the OP might be nicer to her 'steppies'.

 

[dfchelbay]

So, does OP's biological kids have to pay their own way to WDW, like the stepchildren have to? Does OP give her biological kids ice cream money, or swimming money??? House rules should be for all the children...not just the ones you wish would just go away and stop coming to your house.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

So, does OP's biological kids have to pay their own way to WDW, like the stepchildren have to? Does OP give her biological kids ice cream money, or swimming money??? House rules should be for all the children...not just the ones you wish would just go away and stop coming to your house.

I am going to take a wild guess and say no- they don't have to pay their own way but hey, you never know. I doubt the OP will come back to tell us.

 

[wdwfan16]

From all her posts, I don't think she really cares.

This is really sad.

 

[la79al]

Alright folks, I give up. No, my marriage and the situation in our house is not 100% great 100% of the time. To the pp who mentioned that it is not my decision what I call my stepkids, thank you. Their mother would not appreciate at all if I called them my kids or tried to portray them as such. The kids would not appreciate if I claimed to be their mother. I'm not really sure what else I can call them to make it clear that they have a mother and it is not me.
As I mentioned before, I have made a decision on bedrooms (thanks to all of you that actually bothered to read the whole post before posting). DSS will be moving to the smallest bedroom (where DD is now) because he has the fewest things and spends the least amount of time in his room. DSD may or may not be moving into DSSs room (or staying in her room). She has a lot of things and spends a decent amount of time in her room. The 2 littlest ones will share a bedroom. DD will not be old enough to safely and sanely share a room with all of DSDs things.
I lost sight for a minute that this is home for all of the kids. The rooms should not be divided based on the amount of time the kids are here, but rather the space they require. DSS requires more respect than the basement or couch could provide. The kids adore their little sister and deserve to be treated as her equal siblings. I think I tend to get frustrated at times, with the situation and just them being kids in general and I know I don't always handle it correctly. Sometimes I feel very restricted by the fact that I am not their parent and take it out on them rather than being at least an adult and being mature about it.
As far as the Disney trip, we are going. The kids know we are going. Come he** or highwater, I am taking the kids to Disney World. They are currently working on saving some of their Christmas money because neither of them feel that they have enough spending money. To the pp who asked, no DD does not have to pay her way. She is 1 and therefore free. The older 2 are not paying their way either, they are working on getting spending money. The trip is not being held over their heads, if something comes up, something comes up but it will be through no fault of the children.
The relationship with my husband has not always been the greatest. We've started doing a lot more communicating and things have greatly improved. I'm really impressed by how well things go around here if we all work together.
The relationship with the older kids has gotten better too. In fact, DSD has been here for the past week (though she still has unopened presents at her moms house) because she 'wants to hang out with' me and DD. I honestly had this stepparenting thing down as best as I could. Then DD was born and threw every relationship in this house out the window. We didn't start from scratch but I've had a lot of repairing to do.
So now I've reached a decision on my original question. I'm actually quite excited at moving the bedrooms. DSS is entering the teen phase where his room should probably be covered in posters rather than glow in the dark stars. DSD asked for but did not get, more Tinkerbell posters for her room. She will get some new stuff for her room, even if she doesn't move. And DDs nursery was never really finished so it will be kind of fun to do that (though if I'm not careful, DD will be outgrowing the nursery theme before she even moves in).
Thank you all for your input and concern.

 

[sk!mom]

Tell the steppies to save all that ice cream and pool money for an apartment of their own and then you will all have plenty of room!!!

I knew I remembered this OP from her past posts! Don't forget the $$ saved by not including the steps in the recent Disney trip. Seriously, when will the OP's DH wake up and realize that his older two children are being treated "like stepchildren." I truly feel sorry for these children based not on just this post but previous posts that I recall.

 

[hsmamato2]

I lost sight for a minute that this is home for all of the kids. I think I tend to get frustrated at times, with the situation and just them being kids in general and I know I don't always handle it correctly. Sometimes I feel very restricted by the fact that I am not their parent and take it out on them rather than being at least an adult and being mature about it.
Come he** or highwater, I am taking the kids to Disney World. The trip is not being held over their heads, if something comes up, something comes up but it will be through no fault of the children.
The relationship with my husband has not always been the greatest. We've started doing a lot more communicating and things have greatly improved. .

I'm glad to hear you say all this,I hope you continue to work in this same way together.
FWIW, it's not easy learning to parent well "backwards" in other words, you are learning on the older kids,instead of the normal progression of "babies-kids-teens" which gives time to learn as you go along.
Every time you look at those older kids,imagine your little dd in 10-12 years. How would you talk to her? How would you want her to feel about the important people in her life? When you have babies,it seems like a baby and big kids aren't the same species,but trust me, experience will teach you,they are EXACTLY the same, they have the same basic needs at 14 that they do at 2 years old. They ALL need to feel cared for,a sense of personal dignity,and to feel secure in house rules.

 

[soonerfan2008]

I agree the step vs. kids would be tricky for the bio-mom. But I bet most would rather have the stepmom claim them too much than neglect or mistreat them.

Soonerfan, it kind of makes me sad that you say your stepsons think of you like a Mom yet you do not include emoticons for them in our sig like you do your 'real' kids.

I'm really sorry that makes you sad, but if I were you I would not judge anyone unless you know their exact situation. I have some very good, very personal reasons for my choice. Don't worry- my stepsons are very much loved, very much a part of the family, and the last ones to ever have to sacrifice.

 

[soonerfan2008]

I knew I remembered this OP from her past posts! Don't forget the $$ saved by not including the steps in the recent Disney trip. Seriously, when will the OP's DH wake up and realize that his older two children are being treated "like stepchildren." I truly feel sorry for these children based not on just this post but previous posts that I recall.

That is so unfair. Surely the kids take trips at their mom's house without Dad and siblings? When you have two houses, you cannot always be included in every single activity at both houses. Why in the world would you criticize someone for taking her daughter to DW (on an all girls trip, no less) during a time the stepkids were not at her house? I've seen plenty of people on this board who take a special trip with only one of their "real" kids- this certainly should not be any different.

There is certainly a bias and disdain for stepmothers. Lucky you, those who can judge without having any idea of what a tough, special job it is.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

That is so unfair. Surely the kids take trips at their mom's house without Dad and siblings? When you have two houses, you cannot always be included in every single activity at both houses. Why in the world would you criticize someone for taking her daughter to DW (on an all girls trip, no less) during a time the stepkids were not at her house? I've seen plenty of people on this board who take a special trip with only one of their "real" kids- this certainly should not be any different.

There is certainly a bias and disdain for stepmothers. Lucky you, those who can judge without having any idea of what a tough, special job it is.

I think you need to read up a little more about this poster. It is not that she took a trip with one kid. There were many other issues. Their own Mom gave them spending money for when they go to their Dad's house and the OP got mad because they actually spent it on treats for themselves. Oh the horror! She wanted them to save their money for WDW. That money was from their own Mom to spend as they pleased. When they didn't save the money the OP and her DH "canceled" the trip. Really? I couldn't imagine doing something so cruel to ANY child. It was ridiculous.
This is just one example.
I am glad that the OP posted that she is trying to do something about their relationships and I hope she actually does. I also hope their Dad bucks up and realizes that these are ALL his children.

 

[PEANUT1]

I personally can't imagine how hard it would be to have stepchildren and can't say how I would feel or act. I would not judge someone without walking in their shoes.

My husband's parents divorced when he was a teen and his dad got remarried and had a son..we hardly see him and he lives 20 minutes away. His new wife (not really new..they have been together 20 years) does not really want much to do with his other children..it is really sad. My cousins father completely disappeared after their parents divorced...as in remarried, had more kids and no one has heard from him in 15 years..at least the OP is trying..and asking for help..

The only advice I can give is to love these children. Even if you do not love them equally..make them feel as you do.