OT: Anyone ever adopt a family member's child

[jrandtysmom]

OK here is a little background - my sister is 21 and already has 2 kids that she can't really take care of. My dad helps financially support her and the kids (and whoever she is dating at the time because they can't ever seem to keep a job either) So she informed us the other day that she is pregnant again and not sure she is keeping the baby because she doesn't feel she can take care of it - so she wants us to help her through the adoption process. Well it has been tearing at my heart thinking of my niece or nephew being adopted out. Please I know there are many good people out there who want to adopt and love the children they adopt, I'm afraid of the what if that doesn't happen for this child. Plus not knowing my niece or nephew would kill me. I want to strangle my sister for being so irresponsible (she has already talked with her doctor and is getting her tubes tied after this one) So anyways, I'm a single mom myself of 2 beautiful little boys and I've always wanted another child - my marriage just didn't work out and so I never got that chance. If I was to adopt this baby, it would mean significant changes for my 2 DS's. They attend a private Christian school that they could not attend any longer because I can not afford to pay childcare for this new baby and the tuition for the school. Plus it would mean many cutbacks for them, but I just try to think that those are material things and this baby's well-being is much more important than that but at the same time I don't want my boys paying for my sister's irresponsibility. What should I do? Has anyone out there ever adopted a child of a family member? Did it work out? I'm also afraid of how that would affect our family dynamic - I would be honest with the child that my sister is it's mom and I'm the aunt but raising the child because my sister just wasn't able - but is that the right way to handle it? I am so angry at my sister because she just doesn't realize how her careless decisions don't just affect her, but all of us, including her 2 kids she already has. She would still be around this child and I'm not sure how that would work. So confused

 

[Aliceacc]

My son is adopted, but internationally, so I'm no real help.

It sounds like you need to talk to someone face to face about all the issues you're facing-- how about a priest or minister or rabbi?

Or take a look at the Adoption Annex in New Hyde Park NY. From what I understand, it's a clearinghouse of all things adoption-- there may be someone there familiar with the scenario you describe.

One thing I can attest to is this: properly handled, there's pretty much no chance that this child wouldn't be loved and adored by the family that adopted him or her. I have 2 biological kids and 1 adopted-- they are absolutely equal in my love (and occasional loss of patience)-- there is no difference in how they are treated.

But find a counselor-- there are a lot of issues here that need to be resolved before you broach this topic with your sister.

 

[MichelleVW]

OK here is a little background - my sister is 21 and already has 2 kids that she can't really take care of. My dad helps financially support her and the kids (and whoever she is dating at the time because they can't ever seem to keep a job either) So she informed us the other day that she is pregnant again and not sure she is keeping the baby because she doesn't feel she can take care of it - so she wants us to help her through the adoption process. Well it has been tearing at my heart thinking of my niece or nephew being adopted out. Please I know there are many good people out there who want to adopt and love the children they adopt, I'm afraid of the what if that doesn't happen for this child. Plus not knowing my niece or nephew would kill me. I want to strangle my sister for being so irresponsible (she has already talked with her doctor and is getting her tubes tied after this one) So anyways, I'm a single mom myself of 2 beautiful little boys and I've always wanted another child - my marriage just didn't work out and so I never got that chance. If I was to adopt this baby, it would mean significant changes for my 2 DS's. They attend a private Christian school that they could not attend any longer because I can not afford to pay childcare for this new baby and the tuition for the school. Plus it would mean many cutbacks for them, but I just try to think that those are material things and this baby's well-being is much more important than that but at the same time I don't want my boys paying for my sister's irresponsibility. What should I do? Has anyone out there ever adopted a child of a family member? Did it work out? I'm also afraid of how that would affect our family dynamic - I would be honest with the child that my sister is it's mom and I'm the aunt but raising the child because my sister just wasn't able - but is that the right way to handle it? I am so angry at my sister because she just doesn't realize how her careless decisions don't just affect her, but all of us, including her 2 kids she already has. She would still be around this child and I'm not sure how that would work. So confused

I knew someone that adopted their sister's daughter at 2 years old because of neglect and the adoptive parents became "Mommy and Daddy" and by the time I met them the little girl was about 7 and had no memory of her former life before she was adopted.

If I adopted a baby from birth from a relative or not, I would become the "Mommy" . I wouldn't keep the adoption secret but no reason that you need to be "Aunt" to a child that you adopted as an infant and was raising as your own.

I think it's wonderful of you to consider adopting this baby and I probably would do the same thing.

Edited to say that my DH was adopted by a family member and he calls his adoptive mom "Mom" and his real mom by her first name.

 

[bellebud]

I have no real advice, but I totally understand your heartstrings being tugged, and I know if it were one of my brother's kids, I'd take them in a second and couldn't even think of another family taking them (even knowing how loved they would be by a family who couldn't have their own). So I get where you're coming from. Other posters had good advice to talk to a professional about this first though. But you already being a mom and an aunt, I can see where it would be so difficult to watch your sis give the baby up. You're a good person and let us know how this all works out.

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

Another thing to think about is... it is your sisters ultimate decision where and to whom the child goes to. It may not be a consideration in her mind to have you raise this child - she may feel it is too hard on her and a constant reminder.

I agree about talking to a therapist, and if your sister decides to allow you to adopt the baby, you should both go to counseling together.

 

[jrandtysmom]

Another thing to think about is... it is your sisters ultimate decision where and to whom the child goes to. It may not be a consideration in her mind to have you raise this child - she may feel it is too hard on her and a constant reminder.

I agree about talking to a therapist, and if your sister decides to allow you to adopt the baby, you should both go to counseling together.

I really don't think she cares, as usual as long as someone else takes care of her messes she could care less how they do it. She is very self-centered and immature.

 

[jrandtysmom]

Thanks for the advice, especially about talking to a professional. I think that would help but I don't think she'd go to counseling. She has never thought she had issues, it's the rest of the world. Trust me, living with her has been a real fun experience and I don't think my parents know what to do about her. They keep trying to help her but she doesn't want help, she wants to do what she wants to do and have no consequences for her actions. My dad pays her rent, has bought her cars, gives her money - I don't know why except I think he feels guilty that she can't (or won't) take care of herself and now that she has the 2 kids, he doesn't want them to go without. It's been a real mess and now this is just the straw that has broken the camels back. My dad doesn't even know she is pregnant and is going to be devastated. My mom goes between being angry and heart-broken that my sister refuses to grow up.

 

[livndisney]

OK here is a little background - my sister is 21 and already has 2 kids that she can't really take care of. My dad helps financially support her and the kids (and whoever she is dating at the time because they can't ever seem to keep a job either) So she informed us the other day that she is pregnant again and not sure she is keeping the baby because she doesn't feel she can take care of it - so she wants us to help her through the adoption process. Well it has been tearing at my heart thinking of my niece or nephew being adopted out. Please I know there are many good people out there who want to adopt and love the children they adopt, I'm afraid of the what if that doesn't happen for this child. Plus not knowing my niece or nephew would kill me. I want to strangle my sister for being so irresponsible (she has already talked with her doctor and is getting her tubes tied after this one) So anyways, I'm a single mom myself of 2 beautiful little boys and I've always wanted another child - my marriage just didn't work out and so I never got that chance. If I was to adopt this baby, it would mean significant changes for my 2 DS's. They attend a private Christian school that they could not attend any longer because I can not afford to pay childcare for this new baby and the tuition for the school. Plus it would mean many cutbacks for them, but I just try to think that those are material things and this baby's well-being is much more important than that but at the same time I don't want my boys paying for my sister's irresponsibility. What should I do? Has anyone out there ever adopted a child of a family member? Did it work out? I'm also afraid of how that would affect our family dynamic - I would be honest with the child that my sister is it's mom and I'm the aunt but raising the child because my sister just wasn't able - but is that the right way to handle it? I am so angry at my sister because she just doesn't realize how her careless decisions don't just affect her, but all of us, including her 2 kids she already has. She would still be around this child and I'm not sure how that would work. So confused

As an adoptive parent I am offended by this statement. Adoptive parents have to "jump through a ton of hoops" to adopt. There are WAY fewer cases of adoptive children being neglected than "birth" children being neglected.

I really don't think she cares, as usual as long as someone else takes care of her messes she could care less how they do it. She is very self-centered and immature.

Children are not "messes" and deserve a good home.

Edited to say that my DH was adopted by a family member and he calls his adoptive mom "Mom" and his real mom by her first name.

I am my child's Mom, I believe you were refering to your DH's "birth" mother. Adoptive parents are "real"

To answer the op's question, I agree with those who suggested counseling for all of you. Adoption is a not for everyone and considerable thought should be given to it before you make up your mind.

 

[starann]

I think we could have the same sister (then that would make us sisters... LOL!) My sister is 35 and we just found out she is preg with her 3rd. She has a 12yo girl, 5y boy. Girls father is in and out of prison for drugs and mental illness, boys father is in and out of drug rehab (with a few times in jail for drugs) and has ofically left my sis for a 19yo. Baby #3 is his.

My sister will be a few months shy of 36 (the magic Advance maternal age #), has hep C (from her former drug use) and is still taking methadone (she has been on it since before she was preg with her 5yo, so he was born on it). She did have an abortion before the boy, when she was so heavy into the drugs there was nto a chance that baby would have had a normal life.

Dear sis work at an icecream oplace for 5 hours a day and is planning on leaving in 2 month so she can prepare for the baby,,,, kinda hard to prepare when you have no $$$$$$$.

I have her 12 yo....I get no child support for her *(although I get SSI for her since her totalmentalcase father gets ssi benefits, she gets a portion of his, it is not much and barely covers lunches and clothes for her), I have medical benefits for her, I am putting the plans of more children on hold (we can't afford a 4th right now...maybe next year) and my sister is going around populating the world>!>!>!>!>!>!>

The sad part is...she is 7 years older than me....at 35 one would hope she would have her life together, but she doens't. Far from it.


I learned a long time ago I can't fix my sister..she has to want to fix herself. But Cheyenne.....I can still fix her, she is 12. So she has lived with us for 2 years and plans on staying until college...she will always have a home here.


HUGS to you as your explore the path a head, you may want to talk to a lawyer about the adoption.

 

[jrandtysmom]

OK here is a little background - my sister is 21 and already has 2 kids that she can't really take care of. My dad helps financially support her and the kids (and whoever she is dating at the time because they can't ever seem to keep a job either) So she informed us the other day that she is pregnant again and not sure she is keeping the baby because she doesn't feel she can take care of it - so she wants us to help her through the adoption process. Well it has been tearing at my heart thinking of my niece or nephew being adopted out. Please I know there are many good people out there who want to adopt and love the children they adopt, I'm afraid of the what if that doesn't happen for this child. Plus not knowing my niece or nephew would kill me. I want to strangle my sister for being so irresponsible (she has already talked with her doctor and is getting her tubes tied after this one) So anyways, I'm a single mom myself of 2 beautiful little boys and I've always wanted another child - my marriage just didn't work out and so I never got that chance. If I was to adopt this baby, it would mean significant changes for my 2 DS's. They attend a private Christian school that they could not attend any longer because I can not afford to pay childcare for this new baby and the tuition for the school. Plus it would mean many cutbacks for them, but I just try to think that those are material things and this baby's well-being is much more important than that but at the same time I don't want my boys paying for my sister's irresponsibility. What should I do? Has anyone out there ever adopted a child of a family member? Did it work out? I'm also afraid of how that would affect our family dynamic - I would be honest with the child that my sister is it's mom and I'm the aunt but raising the child because my sister just wasn't able - but is that the right way to handle it? I am so angry at my sister because she just doesn't realize how her careless decisions don't just affect her, but all of us, including her 2 kids she already has. She would still be around this child and I'm not sure how that would work. So confused

As an adoptive parent I am offended by this statement. Adoptive parents have to "jump through a ton of hoops" to adopt. There are WAY fewer cases of adoptive children being neglected than "birth" children being neglected.

I really don't think she cares, as usual as long as someone else takes care of her messes she could care less how they do it. She is very self-centered and immature.

Children are not "messes" and deserve a good home.

Edited to say that my DH was adopted by a family member and he calls his adoptive mom "Mom" and his real mom by her first name.

I am my child's Mom, I believe you were refering to your DH's "birth" mother. Adoptive parents are "real"

To answer the op's question, I agree with those who suggested counseling for all of you. Adoption is a not for everyone and considerable thought should be given to it before you make up your mind.

It was not my intention at all to offend anyone and that is why I said "Please I know there are many good people out there who want to adopt and love the children they adopt, I'm afraid of the what if that doesn't happen for this child." There are people out there - at least cases I hear of on the news - of people who adopt children and then abuse or neglect them. And what if this child wasn't adopted and bounced from foster care to foster care - as I know some people who that happened to. As I stated above, there are MANY good homes out there, my fear is of the unknown for my neice or nephew and where they would end up. I don't think neglect is OK for ANY child and it was not a personal attack on you or any adoptive parents, I'm just confused and asking for help.

I also was not implying that my sisters children are messes - she is and some of her decisions she makes. The men she dates, the inconsistency in employment, those are the things I was talking about. I love my niece and nephew and will love the one she is currently pregnant with, I'm sorry that you completely seemed to missed the entire point of my post. I do love these children and unfortunately my sister hasn't made wise decisions to care for them, so I'm trying to figure out what to do.

I have to say I really hate when people take things that others say on here so personal and even when you try to be upfront and cover all your bases by covering every situation anyone could be offended, people still read what they want and get angry. Again, THIS POST WAS NOT TO OFFEND ADOPTIVE PARENTS - I THINK WHAT YOU'VE DONE OR ARE TRYING TO DO IS WONDERFUL AS I'VE OFTEN THOUGHT OF ADOPTING A CHILD AS WELL BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY CHILDREN OUT THERE WITH NO HOME, NO ONE TO LOVE AND HOLD THEM AND I'D LOVE TO GIVE A CHILD THE OPPORTUNITY MY 2 DS'S HAVE BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO ADOPT OR FOSTER FOR THE WRONG REASONS AND I WORRY ABOUT THAT UNKNOWN FOR ANY CHILD....NOT JUST THIS ONE!!!! I was apprehensive about posting this here because of the reaction in the PP but I've read some really great advice here before so I was hoping for that same reaction, not overly defensive posters who pick apart any and all words people use. Sorry for my rant.....anyone else have any advice or opinions they'd like to share?

 

[riley2008]

What about encouraging your sister to have an open adoption. What a GREAT gift she would be willing to give - allowing another family to have a child. Wow. Whether she's messed up or not, at least she knows that she can't take of this baby.

If she goes through an agency, go with her. Be supportive. This will give you peace of mind, too.

Open adoptions can and do many times include other family members. The right family and you may gain a respectable auntie for your DS's! I know it's hard to even consider that, but it happens and can be such a blessing.

It's a tough thing to decide. Reality is, though, what is best for YOUR family? Meaning you and DS's. Also, what if your sister ends up having even more kids. You can't take them all in. Heartbreaking, but true.

I hope you can consider supporting your sister's decision. It's tough, though. Good luck.

 

[lucigo]

I think the first thing you really have to decide for yourself is if you want another baby. If you truely do then you can 2nd decide if you want your sister's baby or if you want to wait until you possibly find a partner in life who you want to share that with, and if now is the right time in your life to bring another baby into your home. Once you decide what is right for you, then you can help your sister decide what is best for her and her baby, but you have to start with yourself.

 

[livndisney]

It was not my intention at all to offend anyone and that is why I said "Please I know there are many good people out there who want to adopt and love the children they adopt, I'm afraid of the what if that doesn't happen for this child." There are people out there - at least cases I hear of on the news - of people who adopt children and then abuse or neglect them. And what if this child wasn't adopted and bounced from foster care to foster care - as I know some people who that happened to. As I stated above, there are MANY good homes out there, my fear is of the unknown for my neice or nephew and where they would end up. I don't think neglect is OK for ANY child and it was not a personal attack on you or any adoptive parents, I'm just confused and asking for help.

I also was not implying that my sisters children are messes - she is and some of her decisions she makes. The men she dates, the inconsistency in employment, those are the things I was talking about. I love my niece and nephew and will love the one she is currently pregnant with, I'm sorry that you completely seemed to missed the entire point of my post. I do love these children and unfortunately my sister hasn't made wise decisions to care for them, so I'm trying to figure out what to do.

I have to say I really hate when people take things that others say on here so personal and even when you try to be upfront and cover all your bases by covering every situation anyone could be offended, people still read what they want and get angry. Again, THIS POST WAS NOT TO OFFEND ADOPTIVE PARENTS - I THINK WHAT YOU'VE DONE OR ARE TRYING TO DO IS WONDERFUL AS I'VE OFTEN THOUGHT OF ADOPTING A CHILD AS WELL BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY CHILDREN OUT THERE WITH NO HOME, NO ONE TO LOVE AND HOLD THEM AND I'D LOVE TO GIVE A CHILD THE OPPORTUNITY MY 2 DS'S HAVE BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO ADOPT OR FOSTER FOR THE WRONG REASONS AND I WORRY ABOUT THAT UNKNOWN FOR ANY CHILD....NOT JUST THIS ONE!!!! I was apprehensive about posting this here because of the reaction in the PP but I've read some really great advice here before so I was hoping for that same reaction, not overly defensive posters who pick apart any and all words people use. Sorry for my rant.....anyone else have any advice or opinions they'd like to share?

Overly sensitive? Please! I did not pick apart what you said nor did I attack you. You asked for an opinion on a subject I know quite a bit about. I gave you an opinion and you did not like it. I STRONGLY suggest you speak to professionals on this matter. There is a lot about adoption you NEED to know and you need to consider a lot of variables.

Good luck to the innocent baby in all of this.

 

[djmeredith]

I have a cousin who had a baby had 15 that was adopted by her mother and step-father. The baby was raised calling them mom and dad; they were her parents in every sense. The birth mother and her 3 siblings all considered her to be a sister. It was never a secret. She actually had a better life overall than the original 4 kids. She is well adjusted and is now an elementary school teacher. I think honesty is the best policy when dealing with adoption.

I was adopted at birth in 1970 through a private adoption arranged through the Ob/Gyn. My brother (not biological) was adopted in 1973 through the same doctor. (My mom didn't think she could get pregnant and carry full-term so they adopted us. Then, in 1976 she got pregnant and gave birth to my sister.)

OP: You have a difficult decision to make, and whatever you decide to do, I'm sure it will be best for everyone involved. I had a wonderful life with my parents and siblings. I was very loved and never really wanted for anything. My parents always told us that we were adopted, and it was never a big deal. They even told us that they would support us if we wanted to search for our parents (they actually had the names of the birth mothers on documents). But, I have known other adopted adults that did not have great parents/families. This is really a personal decision for you, and then your sister.

Cindee, I think you were a little harsh on OP...you sound very defensive. She meant no offense. Of course you are a "real mom." But such terms change with the whims of political correctness. I, myself, have used the term "real mother" to describe my birth mother in conversations with people who don't understand. I knew what they meant, and that they weren't trying to slight my "mom."

My brother found his birth mother last year and he and his wife explained to my nephew that she is his "mom." At age 4, he is not capable of understanding the politically correct terms of adoption. My brother also calls her "mom" to her face, but by first name when refering to her to others. Both of these women are his "real mothers." My adoptive mother says, "One mother gave him breath and the other gave him life." Our adoptive mother wouldn't be our "mom" if it weren't for these other women who made a very difficult decision.

We have all met his biological mother now, and it was very emotional. She had been wondering about him ever since, and was searching since he turned 18. We (as an adoptive family) thanked her for giving us our son/brother. And she thanked my parents for providing a good loving family. Cindee, someday your child may want to seek his/her birth mother. If that time comes, I hope you will be able to support your child's decision without being offended.

As an adoptee, I strongly disagree with your assumption that the majority of adoptive parents are somehow better than biological parents just because they "jump through hoops" and are screened before becoming parents. There are lots of things about a marriage/family that can change after an adoption to cause the child to have a bad experience.

In response to Cyndee's 2nd post: The only thing adoptive parents NEED to know is how to love a child!!

OP: I wish you peace as you make this difficult decision.

 

[livndisney]

Deleted-In an effort not to be FURTHER misunderstood.

 

[danceintherain]

I think what you're thinking about doing is really sweet, but I would definitely look into all the details before you made your decision.
This is totally my opinion, but you also have to consider your sister. As you said yourself she is immature. If you take in her child, she might look at it as you taking in her, especially if you do not afford yourself being "Mom" to the child. If you allow her to retain her title of being "Mom," then I think you're doing a disservice to the child and yourself. In my mind I see her being even more distant and selfish in regards to a child that she is not technically responsible for, and the poor baby would grow up very confused when you won't let he/she claim you as their mother, but their "Mom" ignores and neglects them.
In my opinion, if you're going to do it, do it all the way, and let your sister know it with all the paperwork intact.
Definitely talk to an authority in the topic. Also, realize that adoptive parents do have to go through a huge process in order to adopt children in the United States. I believe this is why many resort to international adoptions. Also, the chances of the child being adopted as a baby is much higher than if he/she was older. If you're that worried, then see if you can be involved in the process along with your sister. You can help screen the families, and it might make you feel better to go with a family who already has multiple children along with a clean record.

Also, in reference to your boys. They probably will be ok without the extra things to which they are accustomed. It might be difficult to make the transition, but I suggest you make the decision a family matter. If you involve them in the whole process then they'll be less likely to be resentful.

 

[budbeerlady]

I can understand your wanting to help and the opportunity to have your 3rd child this way. However, I dont know if I can say go for it knowing how much it sounds like it will change your current Ds situation alot.

I think your children need to come first and then your sister. I could see issues with your childrens lives being changed in such a dramatic way and issues between you and your sister as you raise the baby. Things might go wonderfully or they might not. She is only 21, she might want to be a good mom when she is 25 and then what would happen?

 

[Disneychix]

In my family my father and step-mother adopted her 3yr old nephew 10 years ago due to his mother's drug use and eventually being jailed. I'm not exactly certain they adopted him, I think they have custody until the mother ever proved herself to be fit (father passed away) and in 10 years she hasn't done this yet.
Just wanted to say he has never called them mom and dad. They are aunt and uncle as he still has a mom (even though she's a bum) and he does see her every once and awhile. He tried to at one point call them mom and dad but they made sure for the sake of his real mother that he knew who they are.
They do everything for him and real mom doesn't appreciate any of it. She borrows money from her own kid (that aunt and uncle give as allowance) and never pays him back. Hopefully someday he will appreciate aunt and uncle giving him such a great life.

Good luck with your decisions.

 

[PlaneJoy1]

I can understand your wanting to help and the opportunity to have your 3rd child this way. However, I dont know if I can say go for it knowing how much it sounds like it will change your current Ds situation alot.

I think your children need to come first and then your sister. I could see issues with your childrens lives being changed in such a dramatic way and issues between you and your sister as you raise the baby. Things might go wonderfully or they might not. She is only 21, she might want to be a good mom when she is 25 and then what would happen?

I agree with this!

Your children need to come first. There are so many WONDERFUL people who want to be parents and can afford to give this new baby so much more than you will be able to. You can call most any place of worship, adoption agency, whomever and they will have referrals of parents waiting for a newborn. A newborn will not bounce around foster homes unless the mom refuses to sign adoption papers, which sounds unlikely.

I encourage to look closer at adoption. It could be the best thing for everyone. An open adoption would allow you contact with the child, so you wouldn't have to miss those important moments.

 

[deedeetoo]

Also, realize that adoptive parents do have to go through a huge process in order to adopt children in the United States. I believe this is why many resort to international adoptions.

I just want to clarify a point here. International adoptions are actually subjected to more scrutiny that domestic adoption because you must also pass a federal government check and be approved by the country you are adopting from. There are many reasons for choosing international over domestic, but ease of approval is definitely not one of them.

To the OP - you have been given a lot of good advice. If you adopt this child, you will be the mother not the aunt. You need to make sure that your sister would go along with this and would be comfortable with it. I'm also wondering based on your description of her, if when you you make an offer to take the new baby if she will also offer you the other two children. You might want to be prepared for that.