OT- 20m old STILL not sleeping all night (UPDATE PG 5)

[mom2grace]

Has it only been or been worse since your husband has been deployed? (I'm guessing that he is deployed). Maybe that has something to do with it.

I don't have any answers! My kids are 8 & almost 6 and they come into our room every night, I don't let them get in bed with me anymore....I've been doing this for a few nights. I don't sleep well with them with me, they seem to sleep fine!

(And I have a M.S. in child development, it's a lot different when it's your own kid!)

DD did sleep through the night until DS was born, it's been a long 5 years!

Hang in there and THANK YOU and YOUR HUSBAND and TWO BOYS for your SERVICE to us!

 

[LWatson]

No, he was 10m old when DH left for deployment, so he was still getting a bottle in the middle of the night then. I am going to let my oldest sleep on the sofa for the next few nights, and then see how my youngest does. I just have to make sure I dont go in there. Let's hope the neighbors in the house attached to ours dont get peeved...I dont think they will since they arent on that end of the house.

Wish me some luck. I have to get him in the habit of sleeping all night so that he doesnt throw off the time adjustment process for DH.

oh and the only time he has slept all night is our 1 trip to Disney in Feb at 13m

 

[hockey_chauffeur]

My daughter now age 12 didn't sleep thru the night until she was two. When she was very small she couldn't sleep at all unless she was tightly bundled or held. She would move in her sleep and startle herself awake. You couldn't pick her up from the car seat without her waking up.

At the age of 9 she was diagnosed with dsylexia and Executive function challenges - both of which she has overcome beautifully with two years of intensive tutoring.

Our neuropshychologist said it isnt unusual for kids like her to have this trouble when they are young. They get startled and over anxious and can't process everything enough to calm themselves down so they sort of spiral out of control. My daughter would scream until she turned blue, vomited or passed out so CIO was not an option. Even today she has to work hard to stay calm in stressful situations but she recognizes she is overreacting and figures out how to cope. Babies can't do that.

Over time she got easier - just going in and patting her back instead of picking her up but she basically let us know what she could handle and how much comforting she needed. Eventually she figured it out herself. I would suggest trying to shorten up or eliminate the nap if you can - might make her tired enough to sleep thru.

It is hard when they are going through this put eventually the sensory processing catches up. By the way, she is a great sleeper now and a joy to have around.

Good luck

 

[Macduffy]

We had the same problem - well except that he wanted to nurse for comfort - the only thing that worked was that I took off with a friend for 2 nights on a shopping trip and he had NO CHOICE. DH said it wasn't actually THAT bad because it's like he knew I wasn't there. I got some good deals that weekend but was literally sick leaving DH with that "mess"

 

[snoopy5386]

he is still soooo little. My DD didn't really sleep through the night on a regular basis until sometime after age 2. She is 3 now and never wakes at night anymore. Have you read the No Cry Sleep Solution? It has lots of good ideas.

 

[cuppycake]

I'll be one of the few dissenters. I just don't think you HAVE to do CIO for a child to "learn" to sleep. I really do agree that different kids have different personalities and what works for one might not always work. Maybe CIO just isn't a good choice? He might just need some time. I had one that was sleeping through the night around 12 months and one that didn't until she was 3. But, they both learned and never had to cry. It really depends on what makes you comfortable and what you want to do. BUT, don't feel like it HAS to be CIO if you don't want it to be. It doesn't.

Since DH is deployed, I'm sure there is an amount of stress in your home. Kids can be amazing at picking up on things. So he wants his momma at night time? So you rock him to sleep? So? He's still such a little guy!

I feel like as a society we try too hard to make our children independent at a young age. WHO SAYS he has to learn to go to sleep awake and alone? Do YOU like to be alone when you sleep?

Sounds to me like he's just anxious about being away from you. Kids do grow out of that. He just wants to be close to you. Is having him with you to sleep an option? Is having you near his bed to sleep for a bit (few weeks even?) an option? Is setting up a bed on the floor of your room for him to use if he wakes in the middle of the night and needs to be close to you an option? I found that if I went to and reassured my little ones that I was there if they needed me, they simply went back to sleep and that was that. YES, it was hard. YES, I was tired, but it sure beat listening to them yell forever!

What's right for one family might not be right for another. You have to find what works for you. I just wanted to point out that even though many folks with tell you it HAS to be CIO...there are other ways!! And, you shouldn't feel badly about using them

Good luck, momma!

And thank you to you, your husband and your family for the sacrifice you are making for our country!

 

[rcepek]

A friend of mine recommended a book by Dr. Sears, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child as she sleep trained her daughter very young. I was astounded that she trained her daughter to be in bed by 7pm and had the entire evening to herself. (Has two babies now and sleep trained the 2nd too) I used to wait until my daughter was asleep and then put her in the crib. It is training but it's harder for you w/your DH deployed. God bless him for protecting us and you for being such a great Mom. Also, I've read reviews on Dr. Weissbluth...it may be worth it to investigate but you obviously have your hands full. It would be great if a friend could take the kids a night and let you relax, sip tea and maybe read up on one of those books. God bless

 

[PrincessBelle39]

I personally don't think it's necessarily been 'trained' into him to want you, or that he's being manipulative because he's 'gotten away' with getting what he wants. I think that there are a lot of personality differences between children and that one method won't work for all of them.

I have to agree with this. I have two kids, both of them have been treated pretty much the same as each other. One of them is now 7years old. She is still not sleeping through the night. We put her to bed and she lies awake for at least an hour before falling asleep. And she's up at 6:30am. We've done two sleep clinics with her, one of them a week long one. And she still wakes. The other is asleep within minutes of going to bed and you don't hear from her until she wakes up around 7am.

 

[littlbugmom]

I feel your pain. Even though my children go to sleep well now, they do not stay asleep. At 9 and 5yrs old, they both still wake every night. Bad dreams, saw a shadow, using the bathroom, growing pains that need tylenol, sleepwalking/talking in their sleep etc... The only time I sleep through the night is when my kids spend the night at my sister's house. They don't keep me up for very long at all but it's one of them, every night. It's my life. (even my dh does the talking in his sleep. They all wake me up!)


When they were young, they also wanted me with them to go to sleep.
I could not do CIO. Instead, I put them in bed, read a couple stories, kissed and cuddled them for a few minutes and then put on their music and night light. I sat in their room, not talking or even looking at them until they fell asleep. (usually read with a book lite) Over time, I sat closer and closer to the door until I was in the hall. It worked. They learned to go to sleep after books, hugs and kisses.


Good luck!

 

[mjkacmom]

Babies should be sleeping after 6 months. In order to CIO, you will have to let him cry HOURS, not 20 minutes. I had to CIO twins, so your 3 year old will learn to sleep through it, and a few nights being woken up won't kill him. I'd never CIO without a specific method - every time you fail, you make it actually worse. I used Ferber, and used the book.

 

[mjkacmom]

He is up by 630am and gets one nap of about 1-1.5hr during the day.

Wow - at that age, my kids were sleeping 11 hours a night, and napping 4 hours a day (9 - 11, 2 - 4). After reading these replies of people not CIO, and having toddlers still waking at night, makes me very happy that I chose to CIO (only 2 of my kids needed it, the other 3 were sleeping 12 hours straight by 3 months, although one was a twin, so had to learn to CIO because of her brother in the same room). Ds11 was my worst - still getting a bottle in the middle of the night at 6 months, and not taking scheduled naps. It took 3 nights, but he turned out to be my best sleeper! I had to wean him off his nap for kindergarten.

 

[LWatson]

Okay I've come to the conclusion I just cant stand to listen to him cry for a long time. It makes me cry...so you all can call me a failure or whatever, but I cant do it.

I just cant stand to see/hear my kids cry and do nothing about it. I understand that sometime kids need to cry, but for an extended period just isnt going to sit well with me right now. I'm the only person these kids have to count on right now, and I dont want them to think that I wont be there when they need me. He obviously thinks he needs me to comfort him for some reason at night or he wouldnt be screaming "Momma Momma Momma." I'll look into something other than CIO.

Its nice to see I'm not the only one having LOs who didnt sleep till after 1 or even 2. My friends' kids all slept by 12m (all between 9-12m), so I was beg. to feel like a horrible parent. BUT, they also had the help of their hubby too where I havent since he isnt here.

I guess I'm just more frustrated about it than I should be because I havent really slept all night in such a long time. I'm hoping to have this figured out by the time DH returns, but if I dont I know I will have help from him. I obviously would do it until he would get back on the US's day/night schedule, but I know he would help or at the least get up in the morning and let me sleep in like he used to. Its hard being away from family when the kids are this young because unlike most families I cant just say "MOM I NEED SLEEP" and see if they would watch them for a night...for me to do that I would have to drive 20something hours...lol. But, I am not dead yet so obviously I'll live...just live tired for a few more months. I will talk to his Ped and see what they suggest because I just cant listen to him cry...I would feel like an awful mom if I did...like I'm letting him down. I feel selfish if I dont answer him...I know its crazy, but that really is my main reason for not being able to CIO. I realized that last night when I tried it and after half an hour was crying myself. This deff isnt for everyone, so please dont judge.

 

[cuppycake]

Okay I've come to the conclusion I just cant stand to listen to him cry for a long time. It makes me cry...so you all can call me a failure or whatever, but I cant do it.

I just cant stand to see/hear my kids cry and do nothing about it. I understand that sometime kids need to cry, but for an extended period just isnt going to sit well with me right now. I'm the only person these kids have to count on right now, and I dont want them to think that I wont be there when they need me. He obviously thinks he needs me to comfort him for some reason at night or he wouldnt be screaming "Momma Momma Momma." I'll look into something other than CIO.

Its nice to see I'm not the only one having LOs who didnt sleep till after 1 or even 2. My friends' kids all slept by 12m (all between 9-12m), so I was beg. to feel like a horrible parent. BUT, they also had the help of their hubby too where I havent since he isnt here.

I guess I'm just more frustrated about it than I should be because I havent really slept all night in such a long time. I'm hoping to have this figured out by the time DH returns, but if I dont I know I will have help from him. I obviously would do it until he would get back on the US's day/night schedule, but I know he would help or at the least get up in the morning and let me sleep in like he used to. Its hard being away from family when the kids are this young because unlike most families I cant just say "MOM I NEED SLEEP" and see if they would watch them for a night...for me to do that I would have to drive 20something hours...lol. But, I am not dead yet so obviously I'll live...just live tired for a few more months. I will talk to his Ped and see what they suggest because I just cant listen to him cry...I would feel like an awful mom if I did...like I'm letting him down. I feel selfish if I dont answer him...I know its crazy, but that really is my main reason for not being able to CIO. I realized that last night when I tried it and after half an hour was crying myself. This deff isnt for everyone, so please dont judge.

HUGS!!

I don't think you're even close to "failing"!! This is what I was talking about. CIO is NOT for every family OR every child. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to allow your child to cry for extended periods in the hopes that they give up and "learn" to stay sleeping!! There is no LAW that a child needs to sleep through the night after 6 months, either. Our country is certainly odd in this belief as well. Go to other places...see what they do. There are soooo many cultures who wouldn't allow children to cry at night. So, no feeling guilty because you can't do it. Mommy instincts make it hard for a reason, kwim?

Sleep depreviation is hard, being away from family is hard, and having a husband deployed is HARD! Give yourself a break, do what works and don't feel badly for it. Your child will work this out in his own time. There is no reason to force it.

I'll never regret the time I spent rocking my babies to sleep. It's far too short of a time and then they don't need you. There really is nothing better than watching a little one drift off to sleep.

Take care, momma.

 

[WantToGoNow]

Okay I've come to the conclusion I just cant stand to listen to him cry for a long time. It makes me cry...so you all can call me a failure or whatever, but I cant do it.

Then enjoy your time getting up in the night - it's really your choice whether you want your child to sleep all night or not.

 

[jerenaud]

HUGS!!

I don't think you're even close to "failing"!! This is what I was talking about. CIO is NOT for every family OR every child. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to allow your child to cry for extended periods in the hopes that they give up and "learn" to stay sleeping!! There is no LAW that a child needs to sleep through the night after 6 months, either. Our country is certainly odd in this belief as well. Go to other places...see what they do. There are soooo many cultures who wouldn't allow children to cry at night. So, no feeling guilty because you can't do it. Mommy instincts make it hard for a reason, kwim?

Sleep depreviation is hard, being away from family is hard, and having a husband deployed is HARD! Give yourself a break, do what works and don't feel badly for it. Your child will work this out in his own time. There is no reason to force it.

I'll never regret the time I spent rocking my babies to sleep. It's far too short of a time and then they don't need you. There really is nothing better than watching a little one drift off to sleep.

Take care, momma.

Exactly. Thanks for saving me a lot of typing!

 

[JamesMom]

CIO will only work if you do it until...

My youngest DD was the best sleeper. Didn't rock her, didn't take a bottle before bed, just wanted to go to sleep. Fast forward 18 months old. She is having a horrible time teething, I start putting her to bed with us to sooth her back to sleep, well she really liked it. She started waking every night, so finally we did the CIO method.

My husband went to her and laid her back down every 30 minutes, because she was too attached to me and told her she could not come to our bed and then left the room. Well the first night she screamed for 2 1/2 hours. It was horrible. The second night she only screamed 20 minutes. The third night she did not scream at all. Problem solved. You have to wait them out as bad as it is, it's better for you and them in the long run.

This was my experience with my first born son. He was sleeping with me until 18 months and he had a bad night - waking every hour or so and SCREAM (no fever, ear infection, etc). I was like, if you are going to scream do it in your own dang room!
First night - scream 2-3 hours
Second night - scream 40 minutes
Third night - a wimper. And that was that!

My second child - the same way except i kicked out of the bed at 3 months! I don't recall him screaming that much, though. He was always a good sleeper, but my first, goodnes gracious! Oh and when I mean CIO - I mean leave them in the crib and walk away! No talking, no entering the room, no touching, etc. Stick to your guns! It about kills you when they are screaming, but you gotta live through it. I would go hide in my closet with the radio out to try and drown out the noise. But i did the math - do I want crying for even 1 hour a night, 7 hrs a week, etc. and be sleep depreived or just suck it up and be done in 3-4 hours and go to bed? My kids are well-adjusted and didn't suffer long term effects - they sleep!

I recommend moving your 3 yo into your bedroom for a few nights, you parents sleep on the couch in the living (your not sleeping much anyways) and do the CIO in his bedroom for 3 nights. When the little one is trained, move the older in back in the room. make it fun for the 3yo but emphasize its temporary!

good luck.

 

[bleufleur]

Maybe he's not getting to bed early enough? If my dd was up at 6:30AM then she would be going down for the night at 6:30PM, seriously. She absolutely needed 12 hours of sleep over night plus a good nap during the day. If she didn't get enough sleep her body didn't get into a good sleep rhythm and she would be restless and wake a bunch. It took a few days to get her back into her routine when she missed a night for whatever reason.

 

[brymolmom]

Okay I've come to the conclusion I just cant stand to listen to him cry for a long time. It makes me cry...so you all can call me a failure or whatever, but I cant do it.

I just cant stand to see/hear my kids cry and do nothing about it. I understand that sometime kids need to cry, but for an extended period just isnt going to sit well with me right now. I'm the only person these kids have to count on right now, and I dont want them to think that I wont be there when they need me. He obviously thinks he needs me to comfort him for some reason at night or he wouldnt be screaming "Momma Momma Momma." I'll look into something other than CIO.

Its nice to see I'm not the only one having LOs who didnt sleep till after 1 or even 2. My friends' kids all slept by 12m (all between 9-12m), so I was beg. to feel like a horrible parent. BUT, they also had the help of their hubby too where I havent since he isnt here.

I guess I'm just more frustrated about it than I should be because I havent really slept all night in such a long time. I'm hoping to have this figured out by the time DH returns, but if I dont I know I will have help from him. I obviously would do it until he would get back on the US's day/night schedule, but I know he would help or at the least get up in the morning and let me sleep in like he used to. Its hard being away from family when the kids are this young because unlike most families I cant just say "MOM I NEED SLEEP" and see if they would watch them for a night...for me to do that I would have to drive 20something hours...lol. But, I am not dead yet so obviously I'll live...just live tired for a few more months. I will talk to his Ped and see what they suggest because I just cant listen to him cry...I would feel like an awful mom if I did...like I'm letting him down. I feel selfish if I dont answer him...I know its crazy, but that really is my main reason for not being able to CIO. I realized that last night when I tried it and after half an hour was crying myself. This deff isnt for everyone, so please dont judge.

That is fine and it is your choice. And we each do what we think is best as moms....You need to do what you think is right. I don't think you're a failure. But I do think it will be difficult to maintain doing your 'best' as a mom all day long unless you get some sleep. So you need to weigh what is more important....letting him wake you each night or being more rested during the day.

 

[erin327]

We are also firm believers in NOT using CIO with our kids. My daughter is 26 months old. She woke very often (sometimes almost every hour) during the night until about 22 or 23 months old. Then she just started sleeping through the night. We did no training, she just grew into being able to sleep through the night. She rarely ever wakes during the night since she suddenly started sleeping through. Hang in there.

 

[Carmell226]

You should read the book "Good Night, Sleep Tight", it talks about a method called the sleep lady shuffle. It is the ONLY thing that has worked with my 17 month old that was getting up 2-3 times a night. Once in a while she is still getting up once a night but it is much much better now. The method in that book took a little time but it worked!!

Just so you know, CIO will not work with my DD either, she literally will cry for hours if I let her. Plus I am just not a fan of the CIO method.
Good luck and just know you are not alone!