OT- 20m old STILL not sleeping all night (UPDATE PG 5)

[barnaby1]

Okay I've come to the conclusion I just cant stand to listen to him cry for a long time. It makes me cry...so you all can call me a failure or whatever, but I cant do it.

Firstly please don't think of yourself as a failure. You clearly love your children and that is never a failure. However sleep deprivation is a terrible thing and it does cloud every day as you are just so tired. That fact that you asked for advice here suggests to me that you are a little fed up of having disturbed sleep all the time. Any sleep training method requires the parent to be far more ready than the child so when you are ready maybe you can try again. Don't beat yourself up though, hang in there and do what feels right for you. There are some great books out there which many people have already suggested. Read them, let it soak in and then think about it again. Don't rush.

 

[Dancing Queen]

Okay I've come to the conclusion I just cant stand to listen to him cry for a long time. It makes me cry...so you all can call me a failure or whatever, but I cant do it.

I just cant stand to see/hear my kids cry and do nothing about it. I understand that sometime kids need to cry, but for an extended period just isnt going to sit well with me right now. I'm the only person these kids have to count on right now, and I dont want them to think that I wont be there when they need me. He obviously thinks he needs me to comfort him for some reason at night or he wouldnt be screaming "Momma Momma Momma." I'll look into something other than CIO.

Its nice to see I'm not the only one having LOs who didnt sleep till after 1 or even 2. My friends' kids all slept by 12m (all between 9-12m), so I was beg. to feel like a horrible parent. BUT, they also had the help of their hubby too where I havent since he isnt here.

I guess I'm just more frustrated about it than I should be because I havent really slept all night in such a long time. I'm hoping to have this figured out by the time DH returns, but if I dont I know I will have help from him. I obviously would do it until he would get back on the US's day/night schedule, but I know he would help or at the least get up in the morning and let me sleep in like he used to. Its hard being away from family when the kids are this young because unlike most families I cant just say "MOM I NEED SLEEP" and see if they would watch them for a night...for me to do that I would have to drive 20something hours...lol. But, I am not dead yet so obviously I'll live...just live tired for a few more months. I will talk to his Ped and see what they suggest because I just cant listen to him cry...I would feel like an awful mom if I did...like I'm letting him down. I feel selfish if I dont answer him...I know its crazy, but that really is my main reason for not being able to CIO. I realized that last night when I tried it and after half an hour was crying myself. This deff isnt for everyone, so please dont judge.

First of all, I feel for you.

Secondly, has your DS been talking with my DS? My little guy is 22 months old AND still wakes up at night! Luckily it is not every night.

One night was so bad that I put him in bed with us - he feel asleep and slept through until morning. I normally would not do that - but I just needed sleep!

One thing that worked for us was skipping the daytime nap. He was sleeping 1-1.5 hours a day. We kept him awake instead of napping and he slept through the night.

Every child is different. But you are doing the best you can do.

I am a SAHM and belong to a local mom's club. It helps me to talk to other moms and get advice. One mom suggested placing a pack and play in my room so that he could see me at night - never did it but we thinking about it.

Hang in there.

 

[Captain_Hook]

I didn't finish reading all the responses yet...

We also have a 20 month old. He is very attached to his Dada in the evening -- I guess since I am home with him most, I am chopped liver when Dada comes home!

Usually DS sleeps through the night, but every once in awhile - he feels his oats!

Anyway, Dada is a bit of a soft touch, so DS knows that if he cries Dada will likely come in a rock him to sleep. The problem comes when he wakes in his bed and realizes that Dada is gone! Well, it worked for DS one night so the next night he flipped out. I told DH that he could go in a soothe him and tell him it was bedtime, but not to pick him up (since that was so obviously what he wanted). DS continued his meltdown. He did it for so long (almost 2 hours inconsolable) he was yawning between screams. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I went in and picked him up and he fell asleep almost immediately. I put him in his crib and he stayed asleep.

The next night he slept through again. We haven't had a problem for a few weeks again. I think he really wanted Dada -- he got me. He didn't get what he wanted, so he hasn't done it again.

Maybe DH could go in instead of you? It may be pretty clear who the little one wants -- maybe if you don't give in with that person, it could help???

Sorry -- we had a lot of sleep issues and I sort of combined many methods to find one to work for us.....

 

[monorailsilver]

Okay I've come to the conclusion I just cant stand to listen to him cry for a long time. It makes me cry...so you all can call me a failure or whatever, but I cant do it.

I just cant stand to see/hear my kids cry and do nothing about it. I understand that sometime kids need to cry, but for an extended period just isnt going to sit well with me right now. I'm the only person these kids have to count on right now, and I dont want them to think that I wont be there when they need me. He obviously thinks he needs me to comfort him for some reason at night or he wouldnt be screaming "Momma Momma Momma." I'll look into something other than CIO.

Its nice to see I'm not the only one having LOs who didnt sleep till after 1 or even 2. My friends' kids all slept by 12m (all between 9-12m), so I was beg. to feel like a horrible parent. BUT, they also had the help of their hubby too where I havent since he isnt here.

I guess I'm just more frustrated about it than I should be because I havent really slept all night in such a long time. I'm hoping to have this figured out by the time DH returns, but if I dont I know I will have help from him. I obviously would do it until he would get back on the US's day/night schedule, but I know he would help or at the least get up in the morning and let me sleep in like he used to. Its hard being away from family when the kids are this young because unlike most families I cant just say "MOM I NEED SLEEP" and see if they would watch them for a night...for me to do that I would have to drive 20something hours...lol. But, I am not dead yet so obviously I'll live...just live tired for a few more months. I will talk to his Ped and see what they suggest because I just cant listen to him cry...I would feel like an awful mom if I did...like I'm letting him down. I feel selfish if I dont answer him...I know its crazy, but that really is my main reason for not being able to CIO. I realized that last night when I tried it and after half an hour was crying myself. This deff isnt for everyone, so please dont judge.

(((Hugs))) I have 3 kids & they were all different.

DD#1 (now 8)-She didn't sleep thru the night until she was over 1 but under 2. But....she woke up at around 2½-3 when she was potty training. She would scream at night since she had to pee. I am proud to say she sleeps thru the night now & has for a few years & finally with bribery takes herself to pee in the night if she wakes up vs calling dh or I. And I tried the CIO thing once with her since I thought I had to do it. It was not for me & never will be. I would rather pick up my kid & spoil them while they are still little & want me to hold them, cuddle them & snuggle with them. She still likes to lay in our bed & gets to do that once a week & then we transfer her to her bed once she falls asleep. And yes she falls asleep on her own now even though we layed with her every night until she was just before 5.

DS#1 (well he is the only ds)-He slept thru the night at about a year. That was nice. I didn't know what to do which is probably why I have 3 kids! He also did the wake up thing when he had to pee (screamed/cried) just before he was 3 for about a year & now he finally takes himself to pee alone on the rare occasion that he does wake up (she sleeps very soundly). I didn't let him CIO & I picked him up as soon as he woke up/cried, etc... He will be 6 in September.

DD#2, she is 3 ½. She goes thru phases. Some times she goes a month or so & sleeps thru the night. Other times (like now) she wakes at about 2am & climbs into our bed. She used to wake at 5 ish & do that but now it is earlier.

As much as I would love for her to sleep thru the night in her own bed I really don't mind the cuddling in the middle of the night (OK some nights I like it when she cuddles next to dh who am I kidding!). But she won't be doing that for her whole life. The way I look at it, they are only young once. You are not a failure. I could not let my kid CIO. I did it one night & that was enough for me.

Oh & the nights I do get to sleep thru, I am more tired believe it or not.

 

[cuppycake]

I wanted to pop in and give you one more book suggestion (like you have time to read them! HA!).

Sleepless in America by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

It gave me a woderful grasp on sleep, needs, expectations, creating a good sleep environment for my kids, etc etc etc. It doesn't really have specific techniques for sleep training, but teaches you a lot about sleep and why things are the way they are.

Hope you're feeling good about your decision

 

[soontobewed07]

Don't fret you have enough to worry about. Your DS will sleep, but I agree with you about seperating your munchkins your 3yo needs sleep too so the couch maybe a good place for a bit. Do what works for you. I agree CIO is heart wrenching and I couldn't believe I was doing it to my baby but after 9 months of only 2 hours of sleep a night and working FT I needed to do it. Do what works for you. Don't forget to nap during the day if they are napping it helps make you a more sane Mommy.

Also if it's in the budget try to take some time for you. Get a Pedicure you wouldn't believe how much better you feel taking that hour to yourself

Good Luck!

 

[Tisha_PA]

Have you had his ears checked out to see if he has any fluid in them? My youngest DS used to get up multiple times each night. I was exhausted from getting up with him and DH wanted to just let him CIO. Talked to our pediatrician and they sent us to an ENT doctor (he had multiple ear infections the first year and she thought it might be the cause of his inability to sleep at night). Turned out he needed tubes in his ears. He started sleeping through the night within a week of getting the tubes. He's on his second set now and the only time he wakes at night is when he has ear issues.

 

[LWatson]

Thanks everyone. I'm going to try to figure something out that will work for all of us. DS1 is sleeping on the sofa for now so that he doesnt have to listen to the crying as loud (our house is only 1000sqft so its inevitable to hear). I'm going to be trying to rock him till he is almost asleep then sit next to his bed and then slowly each night get closer to the door etc...and see how that works. I really want to get this figured out b4 DH gets back, so I will be reading some of those books also. I might see what his Ped says about it too. When I first asked him about it I was told that it was being cause by his ears. Well, we got that taken care of back in April. I'm wondering if this is maybe a thing caused by the ears originally, but after having the problem so long it because 2nd nature. I didnt think about that till Trisha_PA said something either, but it makes sense. I've been doing yoga on Tues/Thurs to help me de-stress. I just hope it keeps working like that till I get this figured out. Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.

 

[princessmom29]

Thanks everyone. I'm going to try to figure something out that will work for all of us. DS1 is sleeping on the sofa for now so that he doesnt have to listen to the crying as loud (our house is only 1000sqft so its inevitable to hear). I'm going to be trying to rock him till he is almost asleep then sit next to his bed and then slowly each night get closer to the door etc...and see how that works. I really want to get this figured out b4 DH gets back, so I will be reading some of those books also. I might see what his Ped says about it too. When I first asked him about it I was told that it was being cause by his ears. Well, we got that taken care of back in April. I'm wondering if this is maybe a thing caused by the ears originally, but after having the problem so long it because 2nd nature. I didnt think about that till Trisha_PA said something either, but it makes sense. I've been doing yoga on Tues/Thurs to help me de-stress. I just hope it keeps working like that till I get this figured out. Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.

Please remember that your sleep and mental well being is important to your kids too!! I am a huge proponent of putting kids to bed awake and letting them put themselves to sleep. It will save you sooo much grief later. Yes kids are going to cry, but it will not hurt them to do so! I think mabye easing him into it is the best solution for you b/c the crying bothers you so much, but be prepared that it is going to take a LOT longer doing in that way b/c you are continually changing the limits of what you will allow and not allow. I rwally think it is better for the kids to make a "clean break". At this age the don't really understand why the routine is changing and the more times it changes the more confused they get.
Putting DD to bed awake was one of the hardest things I ever did, but I am sooo glad now that I did it. After the first 3 nights, she didn't wake up unless something was truly wrong. She is 5 now and I can count on one hand the number of times she has woken me during the night in the last 3 years.

 

[Jenvenza]

Then enjoy your time getting up in the night - it's really your choice whether you want your child to sleep all night or not.

This was a bit harsh and uncalled for. Some people dont agree with CIO. I am one of them. Some children wake up in the night whether they have been left to CIO or not. And some of us dont mind waking up when our children do so they dont feel alone.

OP - just keep reminding yourself that this wont last forever and you do not have to let your child CIO. You are not a failure and seem like a very good mommy to me!

 

[princessmom29]

This was a bit harsh and uncalled for. Some people dont agree with CIO. I am one of them. Some children wake up in the night whether they have been left to CIO or not. And some of us dont mind waking up when our children do so they dont feel alone.

OP - just keep reminding yourself that this wont last forever and you do not have to let your child CIO. You are not a failure and seem like a very good mommy to me!

I agree that mabye the other poster was being a little harsh, but to an extent it is a choice as to wether you are willing to let the child CIO or not. I have worked child care and taken care of other people's children as well as my own for all of my teen and adult life, and have see a lot of children over the years with a lot of different personalities and sleep styles. I think that for the vast majority of kids if you teach them to put themselves to sleep at night and to put themselves back to sleep when they wake at night it solves most if not all of their sleep problems. I don't totally agree with the term CIO. It is really lore like giving them a necessary skill. For the benifit of everyone in the household kids need to be able to go back to sleep when they wake in the night without disturbing everyone else. Leaving a child to scream for hours over and over is not the answer, but nither is jumping evey time they wimper so that they never cry or get upset. It think that for most people a more moderate solution is in order, but one that is clearly difined and unchanging. i.e Mom will sit here in your room untill you go to sleep, but you will not get out of bed, and I am not going to hold you. The key is consistent, firm limits that do not change. Yes the child will probably throw a tantrum when you put you foot down, but that is all it is, a trantum b/c they didn't get their way. No emotional or physical harm done, and once they see that you mean business they will stop.
Children need their sleep and so do parents. I don't think that one person in a household, however small, should be allowed to dictate the rest of the house's sleeping patterns once they are perfectly capable of sleeping through the night without disturbing others. Everyone in the house's well being is equally important, and I good night's sleep is crucial to that.

 

[Steve's Girl]

My oldest did not sleep through the night until he was about 3. He simply did not need a lot of sleep and we tried forever to let him CIO, but it didn't work. As a newborn, he slept so little that I thought there was something wrong with my second when she was born because she slept like a newborn is supposed to sleep. My second slept through the night before my first did. My son will be 10 this week, and he still does not need a lot of sleeep. Fortunately, now when he gets up at 4am, he can get his own breakfast and read until the rest of us get up. I do sympathize with needing your own sleep. I was such a zombie when my kids were little due to lack of sleep. But, it does get better and this too shall pass!

 

[AmyBWV99]

I have no advice but wanted wish for you he sleeps soon it's exhausting and feel bad for you!

My DS#2, 22 months is still not a great sleeper and didn't sleep thru the night even one time till he was 17 months and those nights were few and far between till just recently he's done better. Maybe up now 1 once a week at night. Then occasionally we're back to multiple times a couple nights in a row. Those are . He has asthma adn allergies which doesn't help. You may check with your ped to see if that maybe an issue.

 

[Jdougherty]

I completely understand, not only does DD some times not sleep through the night......(18mn) but I have been the deployment route with DH also. We did a year with him in Iraq. It wasn't fun.

I used the "no cry sleep method" and a few suggestions. We heavly rely on routine and try to keep to the same routine even when traveling.
Like you we are

Bath
Lotion
Jammies
Book or Movie with warm honeyed milk ( in a cup)
to bed ( her own)

fortunely she normally falls a sleep in 20-30 minutes or faster. If it's the rare night that she doesn't, she does go to her own bed to sleep awake. I or DH put her in there with lullaby music and a night light. She might cry for a bit but after being told " time to sleep , Lay down" she usally goes right down.

Suggestion,

Keep your routine, put a movie on with dim lights, let OLDER DS stay in what ever room your watching move but after 30 minute I would try to put DS2 down in his own bed.

If he can get out of his crib time for a big boy bed, for safety reasons.

 

[jodifla]

I agree that mabye the other poster was being a little harsh, but to an extent it is a choice as to wether you are willing to let the child CIO or not. I have worked child care and taken care of other people's children as well as my own for all of my teen and adult life, and have see a lot of children over the years with a lot of different personalities and sleep styles. I think that for the vast majority of kids if you teach them to put themselves to sleep at night and to put themselves back to sleep when they wake at night it solves most if not all of their sleep problems. I don't totally agree with the term CIO. It is really lore like giving them a necessary skill. For the benifit of everyone in the household kids need to be able to go back to sleep when they wake in the night without disturbing everyone else. Leaving a child to scream for hours over and over is not the answer, but nither is jumping evey time they wimper so that they never cry or get upset. It think that for most people a more moderate solution is in order, but one that is clearly difined and unchanging. i.e Mom will sit here in your room untill you go to sleep, but you will not get out of bed, and I am not going to hold you. The key is consistent, firm limits that do not change. Yes the child will probably throw a tantrum when you put you foot down, but that is all it is, a trantum b/c they didn't get their way. No emotional or physical harm done, and once they see that you mean business they will stop.
Children need their sleep and so do parents. I don't think that one person in a household, however small, should be allowed to dictate the rest of the house's sleeping patterns once they are perfectly capable of sleeping through the night without disturbing others. Everyone in the house's well being is equally important, and I good night's sleep is crucial to that.

This is a great post. We see over and over on these boards about toddlers who won't sleep, and it's most often because the parents haven't just put their foot down. No one likes to hear a child cry, but if they were crying because you wouldn't let them run out into the street or stick their hand on a hot stove, no one would give in to the crying.

I can't function without sleep. I don't know how OP is doing it after all these many months. And my DS was on his way to sleeping through the night at 6 weeks, only getting up once about 3 a.m., but I was still tired with the weeks of broken up sleep. Then my husband was called away because of a death in the family. I was all by myself with an infant, and so tired, I didn't hear him cry at 3 a.m.

That week we crossed the threshold, and he slept from 11 a.m. to 6 a.m. from then on. After a couple nights, he realized I wasn't coming, and he stopped crying in the middle of the night unless he was sick.

Babysitters and other parents would marvel at him...I'd say bedtime, and he'd toddle right off to bed without complaining. We did do a nightly routine of bath, bottle and books from the beginning.

 

[brymolmom]

This is a great post. We see over and over on these boards about toddlers who won't sleep, and it's most often because the parents haven't just put their foot down. No one likes to hear a child cry, but if they were crying because you wouldn't let them run out into the street or stick their hand on a hot stove, no one would give in to the crying.

I can't function without sleep. I don't know how OP is doing it after all these many months. And my DS was on his way to sleeping through the night at 6 weeks, only getting up once about 3 a.m., but I was still tired with the weeks of broken up sleep. Then my husband was called away because of a death in the family. I was all by myself with an infant, and so tired, I didn't hear him cry at 3 a.m.

That week we crossed the threshold, and he slept from 11 a.m. to 6 a.m. from then on. After a couple nights, he realized I wasn't coming, and he stopped crying in the middle of the night unless he was sick.

Babysitters and other parents would marvel at him...I'd say bedtime, and he'd toddle right off to bed without complaining. We did do a nightly routine of bath, bottle and books from the beginning.

I agree here. We've always had our kids to bed in the 8:00 - 8:30 timeframe. We have so many neighbors, etc. who will say 'how do you get them to bed so early?' and I'm astounded and say 'well, I am the mom'. Now, don't get me wrong - there are some 'cons' to having them to bed so early, like - they rise early too so we deal with that. However, the parents who complain and genuinely seem to WANT their kids to bed earlier....Those are the ones I don't get. Just decide on a plan and do it. It's as if they don't realize that they can be making a bedtime for them (not that it's necessary in every household - but possible if it's what the parents think will work best for the whole family).

 

[cuppycake]

OP...hope that you're feeling better about it all and you're finding some ideas that are helping!!

 

[frtchr]

No advice, OP. I saw your update, and I truly hope that works for all of you. Lack of sleep is the worst part of parenting small kids, IMHO. Hang in there! Sending magic your way!

 

[LWatson]

Well, I just put him down last night around 7pm and he fell asleep shortly after. My 3yr old went to bed at 830, and I went at 9pm. I got up in the middle of the night because the wind was really loud and realized it was past the times he usually got up. I just went back to sleep. He did end up waking up around 5am, but he laid down (not asleep) w/ me for a little bit so I could rest some more. So, we are slowly getting there. I'm hoping for another night like that.

 

[frtchr]

Little victories! That's what life is made of!! Hooray!