OPINIONS PLEASE!!! FIL wants to pay our way but wants it HIS way!

[ptslp]

In your original post, you mentioned he would pay for the hotel and some other things- are you paying airfare? what else? Is he footing the whole bill or just part? I think that makes a huge difference in how you look at things. If he is paying the whole trip, then yes, I would say, you are going to Orlando, not Disney and then you have to make a choice between whether you accept his gift or not. If you are paying for much of the trip expenses, you should definately have a say in it- not deciding everything, but some input on what you do would be necessary.
As some others said, if your vacation time is limited, it is a hard choice you have to make. One possibility is to plan to spend a long weekend with FIL- 3 days his way and take the rest of your week and do as you want, inviting him to pay his own way and join you at Disney. Let him know what it is you want to do.
I personally don't think Universal is worthwhile until the kids are a little older. It seems geared toward an older set and we will be waiting a couple years before heading there- and probably only then for the children's attractions!

Good luck with your decision. It is definately a hard one and I hope you can come to a compromise with your FIL.

 

[eeyore45]

just my 2cents worth...

This is so hard. You do have to go with the right 'attitude'. We went with my mom last year, and I knew it would be "difficult" (at best). Our first trip to the world mom offered to pay our resort, and someother things... we would foot our airfare, and most other things - she was determined to take her granddaughter - dh put his foot down, he wanted her first trip to the world with family...

Mom was so hurt, and it came out in anger! A year later she was hospitalized, almost died (feel the guilt I went thru???) so I promised mom we'd do Disney with her... Oct we did Disney with her... BUT we had the attitude, its all about mom and dd relationship - it has nothing to do with Disney, it has nothing to do with "us" just mom and dd...

and it was the hardest week I've spent!! lol

and we're going back this coming Oct and not telling anyone (except for a few million dis'ers )

Anyway... my point is.... FIL grandparent... do it for him, suck it up life is just to gosh darn short - go with the right attitude, pretend you're in another state, another venue, make him happy, let it be about him - its not easy trust me, this I know!! But our kids are so young, and we need to set a compassionate example for them.. if at all possible...

bottom line, its your DH's father, how does he feel about his father? Does he want a relationship with his father? How will your dh feel when his father dies? I ask, because my dh lost his father 2 years ago... and misses him so very much...

good luck, bottom line, follow YOUR heart!! You and your dh are in charge and how you handle it, is best!! You posted on an internet board, which says to me you are a good person, and are conflicted - so I say - best of luck, its not easy, and you know this!!

 

[Shagley]

IMO you sound like a spoiled brat. Grow up.

Semi-flaming but sometimes we have to step back and see what we sound like to others...

The second part of your quote is sooo correct. IMO the post quoted above is a perfect example of the types of posts that makes the Dis boards seem more and more judgemental and unfriendly. The OP did ask for opinions, but come on, can't we all be a little nicer here

 

[Gillian]

If you stay offsite (which can be wonderful, really!), I'd advise getting a separate car for your immediate family and one for your inlaws.

I can understand your concerns. However, I think that if someone wants to plan and mostly pay for a trip for you, it's a good idea to just relax and enjoy it. It will be different than what you've done before, but that doesn't mean it won't be fun!

We went to US 2 years ago because DH's family had season passes. We skipped Disney that trip and still had a great time, even though the kids were too little for the thrill rides. There was plenty for them to enjoy there.

Can you work with them to plan some things that all of you will enjoy? Can you split up one day and do something special for just the 4 (?) of you? Plan some things together and some things apart.

Oh, and ask that no one has to sleep in the living room of your timeshare. That will make people unhappy.

 

[eeyore45]

The second part of your quote is sooo correct. IMO the post quoted above is a perfect example of the types of posts that makes the Dis boards seem more and more judgemental and unfriendly. The OP did ask for opinions, but come on, can't we all be a little nicer here

I agree - thanks for posting what I feel.

 

[littleteapot]

I know how you feel, my in-laws never pick up the tab, but DMIL would still like to be in charge at all times. She's hinted that she wants to come on our WDW trip and dh has said NO WAY. Of course he hasn't said this to her, just me. Chicken The difference is my MIL is very involved with my kids and is a really terrific grandmother.

We love her, but DH only gets a couple weeks a year and he doesn't want to spend them feeling like we have to tow the line. It is a vacation time issue, even more than a money issue for him.

I'm sorry you have to feel this way, especially when it mean crunchy feelings about a WDW trip.

 

[luvdiz2]

I didn't turn the "free" trip down with my mil, and I was very sorry I went. If you don't get along well at home, it is made all the worse. I called it "selling my soul to the devil" lol. I resented her the whole trip as we had to do it her way. You should make your own decision, but my opinion is "sorry, busy that week"

luvdiz

 

[robinb]

My opinion is that you should go on vacation with your FIL and his girlfriend to Orlando. This is his attempt to reach out to his son and his grandchildren. Don't spoil it by whining about staying *gasp* off-site or going to *horrors of horrors* Universal.

I have some suggestions to make your stay more enjoyable. (1) Get involved in the planning. Work with your FIL and not against him. (2) Research Universal and get an idea of what your kids will enjoy there. I'm sure you'll be surprised at home much kids can do. (3) Rent your own car so you have some autonomy. Use the kids as an excuse: "Mary gets cranky and I don't want to ruin your fun when we take her back for a nap." (4) Take this opportunity to have a romantic evening with your husband. Leave the kids with the FIL and GF and try a restaurant you wouldn't bring your kids to.

You can make this work and have a good time with a little bit of effort.

 

[DVC Sadie]

My opinion is that you should go on vacation with your FIL and his girlfriend to Orlando. This is his attempt to reach out to his son and his grandchildren. Don't spoil it by whining about staying *gasp* off-site or going to *horrors of horrors* Universal.

I have some suggestions to make your stay more enjoyable. (1) Get involved in the planning. Work with your FIL and not against him. (2) Research Universal and get an idea of what your kids will enjoy there. I'm sure you'll be surprised at home much kids can do. (3) Rent your own car so you have some autonomy. Use the kids as an excuse: "Mary gets cranky and I don't want to ruin your fun when we take her back for a nap." (4) Take this opportunity to have a romantic evening with your husband. Leave the kids with the FIL and GF and try a restaurant you wouldn't bring your kids to.

You can make this work and have a good time with a little bit of effort.

Very well said. Sometimes I see things very differently than others on the disboards. If the OP is upset because DFIL hasn't paid enough attention to the OPs girl in the past and now wants to get to know them better by spending time with the girls I see it as only a good thing. Sometimes its a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. Your advice is so on spot and given with compassion.

 

[melomouse]

"We wish that he would let us plan a true Disney vacation so that he would understand the special pieces of WDW that he's never experienced."

And, I am gathering from your OP, tommygirl, that YOU are doing the same as DFIL...so maybe you two aren't as far apart as you may think!!!!

I concur with previous posters' suggestions on renting your own car and sometimes splitting up.

You have a young family with hopefully many many trips to come. In years to follow, you may be so glad you took the trip and learned flexibility, compromise and compassion - also an excellent model for your DD's. As one who has traveled with extended family to WDW, I can tell you that my anticipated frustration and difficulty with family members faded as we shared many magical moments in and out of WDW.

You will not regret it. Stop whining and start planning.

 

[tommygirl79]

Thanks you guys! You give some excellent points. Believe me, I'm all about our family being closer to DFIL. I've been trying so hard for so long it seems to try and get DH and DFIL closer and they have grown closer than they were, but it's still a long road. My DH has hurt feelings from years of his father giving him a hard time. His father was one of those that you could/can NEVER please no matter what you do. If anything, HE is the one that is dreading the vacation more than me as I've kept a fairfly open mind about it (or tried to). It's one of those situations where I've been positive and open minded for sooooo long, but you can only go for so long before you just "know" things aren't going to change, but we will be going with him and his SO no matter what in someway or somehow so that's not really the issue - I agree that he should get the chance to experience WDW with my girls just like my parents did last year.

I have stayed offsite before so I know what to expect - I think it really just comes down to the fact that we only do 1 vacation a year and it's hard to do something different than what you know you will enjoy best, but thanks to you guys I think we might have found an answer. We haven't talked to DFIL yet. My asking your opinions was a preemptive measure for when he comes next month to really start planning. DH thinks that at the beginning of the new year (we'll be going in January) he'll receive 3 vacation weeks instead of just 2 so that would give us some leeway. Since his dad has basically offered to foot the entire bill (we drive down there though so hotel, gas and food on the way would be ours, but that's not that much in comparison) you just can't turn it down! So, I think we are going to ask (very very politely) for some type of hotel setting where we can be separate in the evenings for bedtime and such - he thinks he would like Shades of Green so that might be the best compromise but I'm softer on the compromise now than my post yesterday indicated - I guess you all have helped me to think it through.

Anyhow, I think we are going to try to stay with them for around 4 days in which time if he wants to do US or whatever, we will go and have a good time knowing that he does intend to spend some time at WDW with the girls. Then I think we are going to try to stay another 5 or so days (or whatever possible) at a resort and do the dining plan, etc (the WORKS as we call it). I really liked this suggestion someone made, and hopefully DH will have the vacation time for it. We'll see. If this was the case, it would make our time with him a lot more "bearable" and would relax me knowing that I would have our family time too to plan and enjoy just us and the girls.

DH and I were talking last night and I think one of the things that was/is bothering me too about doing the whole vacation with him and his way(not that I'm ticked off about, more of a disappointment) is that I will miss out on all the fun I have planning the activities, hotel, restaurants, etc. I also really would LOVE to show the World to DFIL and SO and be able to show them special things we love to do...that's part of it too.

Thanks to everyone so far, again!! You are really helping not only my attitude about the whole thing, but have given me great ideas in order to work with the situation and not against it.

 

[Danestress]

Someday your DH won't have a father anymore, and it will be too late to get to know him. I understand that your DH isn't really close to his father and that he's in agreement with you on how you would prefer to spend time in the WDW area. But I think as a good wife, you should be totally uncomplaining and positive about your DFIL's ideas. I think you should be enthusiastic about this trip. I think you should take a backseat on all issues and not even air negative views privately to DH. Just be supportive and positive and encourage your DH to enjoy this time with his father even if his father is an imperfect and sometimes irritating man. If *DH* wants to make an issue out of something, he will, but it's not really your place. For *one vacation* you can just defer and smile, can't you? I mean, it's STILL DISNEY!!!!!

It's not a "huge compromise" to spend a weekend with a man who raised your husband. It's pretty much an obligation unless the man is cruel or dangerous or unless your *DH* is the one who refuses to do it.

Father/son relationships are complex and difficult. Let your husband have the memory of you being wonderful, kind and gracious. If it doesn't go well, let it not be your fault at all. Nothing but problems will come from you getting in the mix here and demanding your way. I would feel differently if your FIL lived around the block and this was your whole life instead of one vacation.

 

[kaysmommie]

Thanks you guys! You give some excellent points. Believe me, I'm all about our family being closer to DFIL. I've been trying so hard for so long it seems to try and get DH and DFIL closer and they have grown closer than they were, but it's still a long road. My DH has hurt feelings from years of his father giving him a hard time. His father was one of those that you could/can NEVER please no matter what you do. If anything, HE is the one that is dreading the vacation more than me as I've kept a fairfly open mind about it (or tried to). It's one of those situations where I've been positive and open minded for sooooo long, but you can only go for so long before you just "know" things aren't going to change, but we will be going with him and his SO no matter what in someway or somehow so that's not really the issue - I agree that he should get the chance to experience WDW with my girls just like my parents did last year.

I have stayed offsite before so I know what to expect - I think it really just comes down to the fact that we only do 1 vacation a year and it's hard to do something different than what you know you will enjoy best, but thanks to you guys I think we might have found an answer. We haven't talked to DFIL yet. My asking your opinions was a preemptive measure for when he comes next month to really start planning. DH thinks that at the beginning of the new year (we'll be going in January) he'll receive 3 vacation weeks instead of just 2 so that would give us some leeway. Since his dad has basically offered to foot the entire bill (we drive down there though so hotel, gas and food on the way would be ours, but that's not that much in comparison) you just can't turn it down! So, I think we are going to ask (very very politely) for some type of hotel setting where we can be separate in the evenings for bedtime and such - he thinks he would like Shades of Green so that might be the best compromise but I'm softer on the compromise now than my post yesterday indicated - I guess you all have helped me to think it through.

Anyhow, I think we are going to try to stay with them for around 4 days in which time if he wants to do US or whatever, we will go and have a good time knowing that he does intend to spend some time at WDW with the girls. Then I think we are going to try to stay another 5 or so days (or whatever possible) at a resort and do the dining plan, etc (the WORKS as we call it). I really liked this suggestion someone made, and hopefully DH will have the vacation time for it. We'll see. If this was the case, it would make our time with him a lot more "bearable" and would relax me knowing that I would have our family time too to plan and enjoy just us and the girls.

DH and I were talking last night and I think one of the things that was/is bothering me too about doing the whole vacation with him and his way(not that I'm ticked off about, more of a disappointment) is that I will miss out on all the fun I have planning the activities, hotel, restaurants, etc. I also really would LOVE to show the World to DFIL and SO and be able to show them special things we love to do...that's part of it too.

Thanks to everyone so far, again!! You are really helping not only my attitude about the whole thing, but have given me great ideas in order to work with the situation and not against it.

As long as he 's paying I say have fun at US. There a few fun things for kids there too. I have been there before we had kids and was not crazy about it, but some people really like. This trip we are trying SW one of our days. But US will wait until next year. It is worth it if you have 5 more days just with your DH and DD's. Have a wonderful vacation!

 

[rt2dz]

I understand your situation perfectly. The fact of the matter is doing things that you don't want to do just because it gives dfil & DDs time together doesn't mean things will work out. It can, in fact, worsen the relationship.

This is your vacation. Your time. Your thoughts, feelings and energy. Putting up with things just because it's family could make everyone have the worse time ever. And then you have all sorts of horrible memories. Even if there isn't any fighting going on. It will build resentment if you give up your whole vacation.

What I would do (and I have family like this) is find a compromise. Pay for the trip yourself as much as possible--you did say you'd go either way. Perhaps you could split your stay. First half with dfil doing what he wants to see & staying where he wants to stay, second half at WDW. This way you can look forward to what is to come. Or stay at WDW the whole time and agree to meet him at some of the other things he wants to experience one or two day during the trip.

I would tell him that there are certain things your family just really wants, but you still want to spend vacation time with him. You thought X would be good (or you thought of a scenerio X, Y, or Z)--what does he think? He may simply not have a clue that you even have an agenda of your own.

Regardless of what you do, find time just for your immediate family. And have your own transportation if you do stay off site.

 

[toesmom]

Ever heard that saying? Everything, even something free, has a price.

So a "free holiday" means you have to give up something for it.

Personally I'd stay on-site and invite him to stay with you and pay his way only. That way, there's no regrets on your side.

 

[rnorberg]

For most of us, going on a big vacation only happens once...maybe twice a year. I would feel the exact same way as you. I would pay for the trip myslef, do the vaca the way my immediately family wanted, and spend the day with the inlaw at US or dinner, etc. But I would definately stay on property if that is where you feel "magical"...i know for us, staying on property is a HUGE part of the magic.

 

[cfrith]

I can really see where you are coming from- I am the same way about this sort of thing. But, since you have been to WDW every year recently- even this January- if I were you I would look at it as a bonus trip, not just your only trip for a long time. We have not been that fortunate- we only go to DLR every 2 years usually. And having gone with my dh, and 2 young dd's 2 years ago -and we brought my SIL, I completely know what you mean about wanting to do what you want to do on your vacation. I did not realize when we invited her how frustrating it would be at times. But he is family and why not try something new. You will have other times at WDW with just your family. I think the main thing is what I first said- at least it's not your only trip this year! Good luck!

 

[tommygirl79]

Actually it will be our only trip for the year....we went in January and we're talking about going next January with DFIL

 

[poohfriend]

My parents took our family for a trip this past year. Some parts were great, some parts were extremely stressfull!

BUT it wasn't our only family trip of the year!

It was easy for us to just go with the flow and enjoy what we could. But I did step in and basically take-over the planning and everyone was glad I did. I made ADRs, determined which parks we would be going on which day etc.

The idea of splitting it up a little sounds like a good one. Two or Three days with any family members are enough for me!

Doesn't sound like your FIL is familiar with WDW. (at least not as much as you are.) I would politely remind him that WDW is the size of a large American city (let's say San Francisco) and no one goes to a large city without a plan of what they want to see...if they do they miss out on a lot they might not know about!

Let him know that you are Disney Savy and you think you have some planning talents that you can share for the vacation!! This will be your way of contributing to the overall success of the adventure. I'd say something like, "Since you're contributing so much financially to this trip, I'd like to contribute something to the trip too. I can be our group's tour guide to our enjoyment of the Disney parks." Once he's made the hotel/ time share reservations you can plan the next part! I hear Shades of Green can be sold out a year ahead of time, so he needs to act fast. I also know friends who have stayed in the timeshares -- two bedrooms for 54 plus taxes a night. If he spends less on accomodations, there is more money for souvineers and character meals. (the downside is the travel time back and forth, and makes an afternoon break a hassle.)

You are already ensuring your family a true Disney experience if you stay on site the last few days. Compromise a little more on the front end. Enjoy the trip as a gift. Your attitude in accepting that gift will significantly impact your enjoyment of your time together. Here's a prayer that the gift is offered with a nice attitude too!

We too stuggle with family members who throw money around, but don't give our children time...your FIL is offering both this time. I sure hope your kids enjoy getting to know their grandfather a little more.

Please let us know how it goes!

 

[sara74]

I feel your pain. In hindsight DH and I would have liked a WDW homeymoon, but we went to Jamiaca because his parents paid for it and we had no say. That sounds spoiled of me to complain, but I'm more of the opinion to involve family in the planning, or let them pick something nice out for themselves instead of picking it for them. In the OP's case a good compromise would be to all plan together and maybe spend a little time outside of WDW. If FIL pays for it all, could the OP's family budget for an 'alone' family vacation later in the year?

OP - I think your FIL and mine are very similar and that it may be hard to convey how hard it is to deal with them over some posts. If it helps, we sent back a several thousand dollar check to the IL's this January rather than take the strings that were attached to it. And when DH called to thankthem but politely refuse he didn't even get to the refuse part before they were telling him what to spend it on (a fireplace insert that FIL wants us to buy that we don't want/need) So I understand the urge and perhaps necessity of walking away from a free trip if the strigs will cost more than the trip! Hugs to you and whatever you decide.