Opinions on a sensitive subject, please

[AJ12345]

For the most part the emails I have seen have been on a weekly basis, with every other one maybe being twice weekly. A few times their answers did not line up, but then she mentioned replying to his work email and then gave him her hotmail. I admit I do not have access to his work email, so I am not sure what was talked about there. It did tick me off to read that though because of the "full disclosure" commitment. So, am I blowing it all out of proportion? I just don't know. Why does she tell my DH, whom she know works an opposite shift to mine, when her husband is out if town? Why would it even be relevant if you are just playing a game?

S

I didn't read any other posts but yours so sorry if I'm repeating. I think you should do some more investigating. I know you say they only correspond about once a week but could he be deleting the other emails? You're saying their answers do not line up. Could he be keeping only the "platonic" emails and deleting the rest to prove to you it is just a platonic friendsho[?

As you can probably tell I'm pretty paranoid about this stuff. I would check EVERYTHING!! Especially b/c he may be deleting certain conversations.

to you and your family....

 

[robinb]

I'm a strong believer in "once a cheater, always a cheater".

I am a believer in second chances. If you brand a loved one a "cheater" and never give the opportunity to change then why even stay with that person? I think by staying with someone who has cheated you have to be ready to move past the "once a cheater, always a cheater" mentality or you will sabotage yourself and your relationship with a continued lack of trust.

That being said, the OP's friend said that to her. When someone tells you who they are, you need to listen to them. The "friend" is a cheater and I would be nervous and suspicious in the same situation.

 

[pl'smama]

Thank you for the continued support and advice. I think this is giving me the courage I need to confront the whole thing head on. I need that push. One person asked how this is different from DH's first on line friendship. The biggest difference is he went through an adult socializing site and was involved with strangers. He did become closer to two or three women though and a good portion of their talks was sexual, even graphic. In some cases pictures were involved. It made me sick to read it and know how personal that stuff is. So far the chats with my friend are not sexual, but they are about personal matters. Nothing to do with the game that seemed to bring them together. So I guess that is why I can still say that yes I think a man and a woman can be just friends. At least in the way that couples usually share their friendships with one another. It's funny because when I first saw the emails with my friend I was kind of relieved. I though at least I know this female, very well and I figured she had my back. Now I see that, if nothing else, she has no self control. Then again neither does DH. :-(

I understand that our family dynamic, if it remains this way, has the potential to hurt my children. And I do not want that. It just scares the heck out of me to start over. Will they understand? My DD already has worry and anxiety issues. I could not make her world more difficult just to make myself happy. I guess to that the bottom line for me is that I do love my DH. I want things back to normal. But I am afraid I will always be paranoid after this. And to lose a 35 year friendship, family friendship, just compounds things.

Time for me to "man up" (lol) and confront DH. My sometimes worst fault is my emotions. I am a crier, which can make it hard to get my point across. Guess I have no choice, right?

Thanks again everyone.

S

 

[dismom2]

I didn't read any other posts but yours so sorry if I'm repeating. I think you should do some more investigating. I know you say they only correspond about once a week but could he be deleting the other emails? You're saying their answers do not line up. Could he be keeping only the "platonic" emails and deleting the rest to prove to you it is just a platonic friendsho[?

As you can probably tell I'm pretty paranoid about this stuff. I would check EVERYTHING!! Especially b/c he may be deleting certain conversations.

to you and your family....

OP, this was my thought as well when I read your story. If the email replies don't sound right, it would make sense that some emails are missing/were deleted. If your DH knows you have access to his emails, or showed them to you, do you think he would show you anything incriminating? I highly doubt it.
He would leave the appropriate ones and delete or alter the others.

If they were talking about his other "work" email, and her other "Hotmail" account, one has to wonder why. Why the need to correspond via more than one email account? You need his password to the work account and check it.

The fact that the email relationship (and possibly more), including sharing personal stories with your husband, was not shared with you by both parties is suspicious.

And yes, both of their backgrounds would concern me in this situation.

You are not crazy or paranoid. I would keep investigating---something smells fishy. It may not be, but there is no reason for you to not find out. If for no other reason that to ease your concerns so you can move forward in your relationship.

I wish you lots of luck and hope it turns out okay.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I think this might be a good time to think clearly before you say or do anything. Just in case this explodes have you made printouts of any of these conversations? Did you keep any of the old stuff? Did you print out any of the new stuff? It would be very easy for this friend to call you a liar and make you out to look paranoid to your family. Do you have credit cards ect in your own name? Do you have any money of your own?

I hope things don't go this way but sometimes confrontations end very differently than the wronged person anticipates. Everyone likes to think the spouse will crawl looking for forgiveness but that's not always the case. Just be prepared for any outcome and if you are not prepared for the answer at the moment don't go asking the question until you are.

 

[SaraJayne]

I am a believer in second chances. If you brand a loved one a "cheater" and never give the opportunity to change then why even stay with that person? I think by staying with someone who has cheated you have to be ready to move past the "once a cheater, always a cheater" mentality or you will sabotage yourself and your relationship with a continued lack of trust.

That being said, the OP's friend said that to her. When someone tells you who they are, you need to listen to them. The "friend" is a cheater and I would be nervous and suspicious in the same situation.

I wouldn't stay with a cheater. I deserve better. Just my own personal standard.

By the OP's own admission, her DH is a cheater, also.

 

[daisax]

Have you looked at the messaging element within Facebook? Because you can both IM and send messages that way, privately. And appear like you're just playing.

I think it's a good idea to talk to him. I will email a friend's husband now and then with a specific issue (say I have an insurance question, or a car question, or a computer-related question that I know the person is ideal to ask). I could ask my (female) friend to relay the question, or cc her, but I don't feel the need to, since it's perfectly innocuous and why waste the time. I might have a 2-3 email exchange based on that sort of thing, but then wouldn't exchange emails until they contacted me to find out something for them.

I have no problems chatting with them at parties and even having serious conversations during trips (we travel a lot for a hobby). But I don't feel the need to cultivate individual friendships with them apart from their wives.

Counseling sounds like a good idea.

 

[robinb]

I wouldn't stay with a cheater. I deserve better. Just my own personal standard.

By the OP's own admission, her DH is a cheater, also.

Luckily for me, I have never had to make that choice.

I guess what I was trying to say is that I think that cheaters can reform and that just because the OP's DH cheated on her once does not mean that he is cheating on her now. The "friend" however, used the term "once a cheater, always a cheater" in reference to herself. She is the one who is not to be trusted in this situation.

 

[Aristomommy]

I have been married for 15 years. I have the policy that DH is free to check all my e-mails, texts and phone records and I can do the same. We share passwords etc. but I don't feel the need to check on him. If I did, there would be doubt already and reason for my concern. If you DH feels this is all innocent, he should be able to let you see all e-mails without gaps, even from his work e-mail. I don't believe that all opposite gender relationships are bad, but DH makes a point of introducing me to all his female co-workers out of respect and they all say how much he talks about me. I would do the same for any male co-workers I have.

Maybe you are sensitive to this issue because of his past, maybe there is something to it, but don't suffer and wonder in silence. Your DH needs to understand the hurt that he has caused. He has to understand that he may need to prove himself over and over again without a question from him.

I hope you can talk to him and get some answers.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Thank you for the continued support and advice. I think this is giving me the courage I need to confront the whole thing head on. I need that push. One person asked how this is different from DH's first on line friendship. The biggest difference is he went through an adult socializing site and was involved with strangers. He did become closer to two or three women though and a good portion of their talks was sexual, even graphic. In some cases pictures were involved. It made me sick to read it and know how personal that stuff is. So far the chats with my friend are not sexual, but they are about personal matters. Nothing to do with the game that seemed to bring them together. So I guess that is why I can still say that yes I think a man and a woman can be just friends. At least in the way that couples usually share their friendships with one another. It's funny because when I first saw the emails with my friend I was kind of relieved. I though at least I know this female, very well and I figured she had my back. Now I see that, if nothing else, she has no self control. Then again neither does DH. :-(

I understand that our family dynamic, if it remains this way, has the potential to hurt my children. And I do not want that. It just scares the heck out of me to start over. Will they understand? My DD already has worry and anxiety issues. I could not make her world more difficult just to make myself happy. I guess to that the bottom line for me is that I do love my DH. I want things back to normal. But I am afraid I will always be paranoid after this. And to lose a 35 year friendship, family friendship, just compounds things.

Time for me to "man up" (lol) and confront DH. My sometimes worst fault is my emotions. I am a crier, which can make it hard to get my point across. Guess I have no choice, right?

Thanks again everyone.

S

You have to decide what is more important to you--your marriage or your friendship.

Your friend might not want your husband to leave you, she might want a playmate instead. Some women are messed up to put it nicely. If they are unhappy in their marriage, then every other man is fair game.

Years ago, before I was married, I had friends who had long time relationships with married men. They couldn't come out and tell the wife what was going on, but they made sure that they left tell-tale signs that something was going on.

Men can be stupid and can't see that they are being played with.

 

[roscoepc1]

Thank you for the continued support and advice. I think this is giving me the courage I need to confront the whole thing head on. I need that push. One person asked how this is different from DH's first on line friendship. The biggest difference is he went through an adult socializing site and was involved with strangers. He did become closer to two or three women though and a good portion of their talks was sexual, even graphic. In some cases pictures were involved. It made me sick to read it and know how personal that stuff is. So far the chats with my friend are not sexual, but they are about personal matters. Nothing to do with the game that seemed to bring them together. So I guess that is why I can still say that yes I think a man and a woman can be just friends. At least in the way that couples usually share their friendships with one another. It's funny because when I first saw the emails with my friend I was kind of relieved. I though at least I know this female, very well and I figured she had my back. Now I see that, if nothing else, she has no self control. Then again neither does DH. :-(

I understand that our family dynamic, if it remains this way, has the potential to hurt my children. And I do not want that. It just scares the heck out of me to start over. Will they understand? My DD already has worry and anxiety issues. I could not make her world more difficult just to make myself happy. I guess to that the bottom line for me is that I do love my DH. I want things back to normal. But I am afraid I will always be paranoid after this. And to lose a 35 year friendship, family friendship, just compounds things.

Time for me to "man up" (lol) and confront DH. My sometimes worst fault is my emotions. I am a crier, which can make it hard to get my point across. Guess I have no choice, right?

Thanks again everyone.

S

Absolutely they can. Dh has female friends, and I have male ones (my oldest friend from childhood is a guy)...BUT....we share the same email addy, we know each others' passwords etc, and we would NEVER have conversations with an opposite sex friend that the other doesn't know about....Ie, I tell dh I'm phoning "Fred" to ask him x,y,z....etc. His female friends give him more crap for how he treats me than I do...for example, he gave me a giant Toblerone bar for our anniversary...*I* loved it, but his female friend gave him SEVERE crap for it, lol. She was picturing a tiny 99 cent one, and nothing else with it....


I'm concerned b/c he's supposed to be building your trust following a betrayal and forgiveness, and it seems like he's still trying to dump stuff on you, by acting like it's no big deal when, Oh, I'm sorry, it IS!

 

[bdcp]

A movie that really portrays the emotional affair someone can be having that hasn't become physical yet is "The Story of Us". It really shows a realistic view of marriage, relationships and emotional affairs which usually proceed beyond emotional. As I said in my earlier post, that's what he's having and it doesn't have to involve anything physical yet. The fact he shares personal things with her and kept it a secret makes it an affair. People get too hung up on the physical. My DH and I have talked about this and the reality is, a one night stand can be forgiven much easier than an ongoing emotional relationship because that's when you're really being intimate with someone you shouldn't. It doesn't matter if you don't have evidence of anything else, you have the right to tell both of them to stop.

 

[horseshowmom]

I think it's a good idea to talk to him. I will email a friend's husband now and then with a specific issue (say I have an insurance question, or a car question, or a computer-related question that I know the person is ideal to ask). I could ask my (female) friend to relay the question, or cc her, but I don't feel the need to, since it's perfectly innocuous and why waste the time. I might have a 2-3 email exchange based on that sort of thing, but then wouldn't exchange emails until they contacted me to find out something for them.

I have no problems chatting with them at parties and even having serious conversations during trips (we travel a lot for a hobby). But I don't feel the need to cultivate individual friendships with them apart from their wives.

Counseling sounds like a good idea.

I agree. We have friends that I from time to time have a phone conversation with the husband. It has always involved something horse related (they have horses, and we have horses). Sometimes he calls for advice and to ask a question about a show or something. His wife is a friend of mine but is not interested in the horses.

She knows that we talk from time to time (rarely) and jokes that I'm the only one she wouldn't worry about because she knows me (meaning that I have no interest in extracurricular activities and am disgusted by those who do). Of course, Dh and I discuss whatever comes up in the phone calls.

I would be very suspicious of this circumstance and doubt very seriously that these two are "just friends". Their backgrounds do not lend themselves to be that type of people. I wish you the best, OP, and understand your concern for your children. If only your husband had the same concern.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Thank you for the continued support and advice. I think this is giving me the courage I need to confront the whole thing head on. I need that push. One person asked how this is different from DH's first on line friendship. The biggest difference is he went through an adult socializing site and was involved with strangers. He did become closer to two or three women though and a good portion of their talks was sexual, even graphic. In some cases pictures were involved. It made me sick to read it and know how personal that stuff is. So far the chats with my friend are not sexual, but they are about personal matters. Nothing to do with the game that seemed to bring them together. So I guess that is why I can still say that yes I think a man and a woman can be just friends. At least in the way that couples usually share their friendships with one another. It's funny because when I first saw the emails with my friend I was kind of relieved. I though at least I know this female, very well and I figured she had my back. Now I see that, if nothing else, she has no self control. Then again neither does DH. :-(

I understand that our family dynamic, if it remains this way, has the potential to hurt my children. And I do not want that. It just scares the heck out of me to start over. Will they understand? My DD already has worry and anxiety issues. I could not make her world more difficult just to make myself happy. I guess to that the bottom line for me is that I do love my DH. I want things back to normal. But I am afraid I will always be paranoid after this. And to lose a 35 year friendship, family friendship, just compounds things.

Time for me to "man up" (lol) and confront DH. My sometimes worst fault is my emotions. I am a crier, which can make it hard to get my point across. Guess I have no choice, right?

Thanks again everyone.

S

Please be careful. "Confronting" your DH has a negative tone. You do not want to "confront" him. You want to approach him with your fears and concerns and see how that goes. Don't automatically remove the trust when there's no solid proof just yet. Give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

 

[bdcp]

Please be careful. "Confronting" your DH has a negative tone. You do not want to "confront" him. You want to approach him with your fears and concerns and see how that goes. Don't automatically remove the trust when there's no solid proof just yet. Give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

You don't think the emails are proof he's doing something he shouldn't and in secret?

"Confronting" doesn't mean attacking him. It does mean asking for answers which she is entitled to and has a right to have answered. If she can't confront her DH, then she's got more problems than she's telling us.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

You don't think the emails are proof he's doing something he shouldn't and in secret?

"Confronting" doesn't mean attacking him. It does mean asking for answers which she is entitled to and has a right to have answered. If she can't confront her DH, then she's got more problems than she's telling us.

Nope - I don't think what the OP has seen thus far proves that her husband is having any kind of emotional or physical affair. I am not saying it is not happening either but for now she needs more information from him so a discussion needs to happen. As far as "confronting" him - I guess we have two different ways that we define that because for me it is a negative thing and IMO that is now how she should approach this right now.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

First off

I think you know the truth. They are corresponding with each other behind your back.

This woman is after your man. Do something before it is too late.

This is my thoughts too. Your 'friend' knows your husbands weakness and is exploiting it. I would be adamant with your husband that no more emails, and if he thinks you are overreacting, so be it, but for that I would put my foot down. As for the friend, I would call her out on this. Tell her to knock if off, if for no other reason than out of respect for you.

If it continues, then you have bigger problems.

 

[bdcp]

Nope - I don't think what the OP has seen thus far proves that her husband is having any kind of emotional or physical affair. I am not saying it is not happening either but for now she needs more information from him so a discussion needs to happen. As far as "confronting" him - I guess we have two different ways that we define that because for me it is a negative thing and IMO that is now how she should approach this right now.

Her husband and her best friend are exchanging secret, personal emails. What do you call that? BTW, as I said before I've been married almost 29 1/2 years and have seen it all with friends. Thank God I'm married to a wonderful man who loves and respects me as I do him but we have discussed these types of situations that friends have had and a man's perspective would probably surprised you. I'm not sure why the word "confront" bothers you so much. She has every right to confront him and get answers. He obviously doesn't take her feelings into consideration.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I'm sure you could find a recipe online for arsenic.

Whether you use it on your DH or your "friend" is your choice.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Her husband and her best friend are exchanging secret, personal emails. What do you call that? BTW, as I said before I've been married almost 29 1/2 years and have seen it all with friends. Thank God I'm married to a wonderful man who loves and respects me as I do him but we have discussed these types of situations that friends have had and a man's perspective would probably surprised you. I'm not sure why the word "confront" bothers you so much. She has every right to confront him and get answers. He obviously doesn't take her feelings into consideration.

I guess we can agree to disagree. I just refuse to jump on the man bashing bandwagon right away and believe that the OP should have a discussion with him and give him the benefit of the doubt at first.