opinions needed about gifts split between adult daughters

[Wishing on a star]

Nope, Disy... definitely not...

I am also chuckling and etc....

 

[NikitaZee]

Am I the only one chuckling at all the people who say they wouldn't notice if one sibling got a big screen tv and the rest of the family got pajamas? Seriously?

A check in an envelope is one thing, but opening presents of such unequal value shouldn't really be done at the same event. How could anyone NOT notice?

I have been quietly reading along thinking the exact same thing.

 

[disneychrista]

My parents always do '$50 per person' gifts of cash.

This is what I think is most fair...it should not matter how many grandkids there are or not. Set a price per person not per family.

My parents have done in the past $100 for child & $50 for grandchild

 

[RadioNate]

Am I the only one chuckling at all the people who say they wouldn't notice if one sibling got a big screen tv and the rest of the family got pajamas? Seriously?

A check in an envelope is one thing, but opening presents of such unequal value shouldn't really be done at the same event. How could anyone NOT notice?

Nope I'm with you too. How could you not notice, is right. I also don't buy that after years of seeing the differences it wouldn't make 'you' feel bad. PJs when someone else gets a big flat screen isn't a gift given with love. I love you so much I picked out the first generic gift I saw at WalMart. Let's get real here it isn't like Grandma is picking out thoughful/personal gifts for the grandkids while Daughter 1 is collecting her loot.

Lets go back to Dis psychology and the 5 Love Languages book. There is a love languages called "recieving gifts" that has nothing to do with materialism. I would hazard a guess that if Daughter 2's family was getting thoughful, personal gifts the financial differences might not be so glaringly obvious.

No one really notices the cost differences when both parties get something special that they really wanted but when one gets lavish thoughful gifts and the other gets generic obligatory gifts, sorry it is noticable.

A PP said something along the lines of the gift itself doesn't matter because they know their parents love them. Well in Daughter 2's case she doesn't feel like her parents love her...at least not as much as they love Daughter 1. It really isn't about the material things however, the material things are just one more way Daughter 2 believes she is being shown they love Daughter 1 more.

 

[prncess674]

Does anyone else find it amusing that the same people are telling me to "suck it" your parents are welcome to spend their money however they so choose but in the second breath are saying that the OP's Mom should divide her money equally amongst the daughters, grandkids and BIL. How is it I should be told to "suck it up" but the OP should be telling her mom fair is fair I deserve 8/9.

 

[Mermaid02]

Does anyone else find it amusing that the same people are telling me to "suck it" your parents are welcome to spend their money however they so choose but in the second breath are saying that the OP's Mom should divide her money equally amongst the daughters, grandkids and BIL. How is it I should be told to "suck it up" but the OP should be telling her mom fair is fair I deserve 8/9.

I think your situation is different. For instance you are po'd that your mom paid for your sisters wedding...... you haven't gotten married so you want equal compensation....... that's ridiculous. Someday you might get married and your Mom will probably pay for your wedding...... if she refuses, come back and talk to us then.

 

[JLTraveling]

I know plenty of people that would give up everything they own just to be able to spend one more day with their mom/dad/parents.

This. My mom passed away in 2004, exactly three weeks before Christmas. She was only 50. Believe me, the tears I cried that Christmas and every Christmas since have nothing to do with presents.

Nope I'm with you too. How could you not notice, is right. I also don't buy that after years of seeing the differences it wouldn't make 'you' feel bad. PJs when someone else gets a big flat screen isn't a gift given with love. I love you so much I picked out the first generic gift I saw at WalMart. Let's get real here it isn't like Grandma is picking out thoughful/personal gifts for the grandkids while Daughter 1 is collecting her loot.

Lets go back to Dis psychology and the 5 Love Languages book. There is a love languages called "recieving gifts" that has nothing to do with materialism. I would hazard a guess that if Daughter 2's family was getting thoughful, personal gifts the financial differences might not be so glaringly obvious.

No one really notices the cost differences when both parties get something special that they really wanted but when one gets lavish thoughful gifts and the other gets generic obligatory gifts, sorry it is noticable.

A PP said something along the lines of the gift itself doesn't matter because they know their parents love them. Well in Daughter 2's case she doesn't feel like her parents love her...at least not as much as they love Daughter 1. It really isn't about the material things however, the material things are just one more way Daughter 2 believes she is being shown they love Daughter 1 more.

Fair enough. But then I have to wonder why Daughter 2 continues to subject herself to it. I have a couple of relatives (granted, not immediate family) that I know don't care about me. I don't expect this to change on Christmas. So I choose to spend the holiday with those who make me feel loved.

 

[sunnyday123]

Fair enough. But then I have to wonder why Daughter 2 continues to subject herself to it. I have a couple of relatives (granted, not immediate family) that I know don't care about me. I don't expect this to change on Christmas. So I choose to spend the holiday with those who make me feel loved.

I shot right to the end of this thread, but I have an explanation for this. My Mother does what the original question was, constantly. She's bought my brother cars, tv's, trips because he kept a job for 6 months ( which he promptly quit after the trip ) etc. I'm like Harry Potter living under the stairs.

You keep going back because you hope someday it's going to change, because it's your parent and they aren't supposed to act like that.

 

[aprilgail2]

The first daughter gets $500 worth of gifts and the 2nd daughter and her husband and her six kids get $500 total worth of gifts. Which means the mom and dad get nothing (their choice) so the kids have more money for themselves. I hope this makes it more clear.

.

I can't say that I ever keep track of the total dollars I spend on gifts to any extent but if I had 2 daughters and one was single and the other married with that many children I think I would have to stick close to 500 for the single daughter and then about 750 split between the married with lots of kids family- no way would I do 500 per grandchild when there is that many of them.

 

[luvsJack]

Does anyone else find it amusing that the same people are telling me to "suck it" your parents are welcome to spend their money however they so choose but in the second breath are saying that the OP's Mom should divide her money equally amongst the daughters, grandkids and BIL. How is it I should be told to "suck it up" but the OP should be telling her mom fair is fair I deserve 8/9.

You are refusing to see what people are actually saying. No one said that d2 should get 8/9 of the $1000. The more equal gifts (and most are not even saying 100% equal here) would go to each member of the family. D2 is a person in and of her self and so are each of her children and her spouse. EACH person in the family would be given a somewhat equal gift. There are not 2 people in this family, there are 9.


You seem to not think of your sister's family as members of your family only as extensions of her that are taking your inheirentance. And anything given to her children, you will see as given to your sister. That is not the way it is.

 

[seven dwarfs]

This. My mom passed away in 2004, exactly three weeks before Christmas. She was only 50. Believe me, the tears I cried that Christmas and every Christmas since have nothing to do with presents.



Fair enough. But then I have to wonder why Daughter 2 continues to subject herself to it. I have a couple of relatives (granted, not immediate family) that I know don't care about me. I don't expect this to change on Christmas. So I choose to spend the holiday with those who make me feel loved.

This is why after 10 years I posted the question. The Christmas situation I guess isn't the major problem. Just another issue. I am in the process of making major decisions in my life and all these emotions are coming up. I wanted to be sure I am looking at both sides and not making more out of things because of my pain. I guess after 33 yrs of being told I am the problem and realizing through friends and other family that I am not, all these emotions are coming up. To be honest, I can not deal with it anymore and it has taken its toll. For some reason I was able to suck it up when it effected me but when my kids starting sharing their feelings and I realized they were feeling some of what I have felt, I decided enough was enough. I have been able to deal with them all my life but It hurts me to see my kids hurt.

But somehow it still feels wrong. I have been raised to honor your father and mother and it feels like I am not doing that if I decide to not have a relationship with them. And I guess in some ways I think well, maybe one day they will change. I went to therapy with my parents on Thurs and it didn't go well. The therapist seems very good though and he recommends me coming bk. (he recommended them to come on their own but they won't) I am going to start going on my own in Jan. (first apt I could get.) I hope it helps me. I am not sure what the outcome will be. Can you be given tools that will help you better handle the situations? How do you let go of the pain and not allow it to come back up when they hurt you all over again?

For those that have lost their Mothers, I am very sorry for you. I often say to myself, I just want mine to love me and want me. I often say how sad that I can't get along with mine when other 'moms' would give anything to still be alive to be with their daughters. Again, sorry if I hurt anyone in that situation. But please understand your loss is much greater then mine because you had a loving relationship and with me, I have never had that and I am guessing never will.

Thanks to everyone who has posted. I do not feel as if anyone has taken sides. I don't see where anyone is saying one is right or wrong, just how they feel and would feel. I also think others are sharing how it is in their family and how they feel about it. That is exactly what I wanted to know. I feel like this thread has been mostly fair. I don't feel judged at all and see both sides of the Christmas situation. I used daughter 1 and 2 for 2 reasons, one being to make it easier for everyone to keep it all straight. Also, I am over emotional right now and wasn't sure how this thread would go.

 

[seven dwarfs]

I shot right to the end of this thread, but I have an explanation for this. My Mother does what the original question was, constantly. She's bought my brother cars, tv's, trips because he kept a job for 6 months ( which he promptly quit after the trip ) etc. I'm like Harry Potter living under the stairs.

You keep going back because you hope someday it's going to change, because it's your parent and they aren't supposed to act like that.

Wow, I already posted and was going backward to read everything I missed. And you hit it right on the head. I never even realized I kept going back until the therapist looked at me and said why would you keep going back? lol I didn't know at first. I guess it was so self conscious.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

... I guess after 33 yrs of being told I am the problem and realizing through friends and other family that I am not, all these emotions are coming up. To be honest, I can not deal with it anymore and it has taken its toll...

You cannot honor your parents until you have healed. Take a break. You deserve it, and you children deserve a mother who is whole.

 

[seven dwarfs]

I was daughter # 2 for awhile. I go without all the time so that my children can have more. I don't think twice about it. It was my choice to have children.
I never have even thought about what my parents gave to my sister in comparison to what I got. Whatever they give is out of love and I am just blessed to have what I have.
In our family we don't count material things, we count our blessings.

But I guess the difference is you have love and I don't. It isn't about the material things to me either. It is just the material that represents the display (or lack their of) of emotion. I guess people who have never not felt loved by at least one of their parents may not understand what that is like. I never thought about it till this thread, I really believe if my parents loved me, this present situation would not even bother me. I am not saying I want more gifts, I hope I have made that clear in some of my other posts. Although I can see how if someone reads the first one may think that is what I meant.

 

[seven dwarfs]

This is what I think is most fair...it should not matter how many grandkids there are or not. Set a price per person not per family.

My parents have done in the past $100 for child & $50 for grandchild

I actually like this idea and would be fine with them giving us each just one small special thing. I think it would be cool for us to adopt a family in need, each of us take that money and buy something for someone else. I already tried that one and it was rejected. It saddens me a little that the meaning of Christmas is lost some. And I understand part of that is my problem. Just need to figure out how to fix it.

 

[seven dwarfs]

Does anyone else find it amusing that the same people are telling me to "suck it" your parents are welcome to spend their money however they so choose but in the second breath are saying that the OP's Mom should divide her money equally amongst the daughters, grandkids and BIL. How is it I should be told to "suck it up" but the OP should be telling her mom fair is fair I deserve 8/9.

Being the OP, I don't feel anyone saying to me at all that my parents are wrong. I feel as if people are sharing what they do and why. I also feel as if their are people on both sides of the fence which is what I wanted.

Also as the OP you have misunderstood how I feel. I am not saying I want the money split 8/9. In fact many times I have said I am not sure how I feel. But it would be nice for it to be more equal. Or maybe what I am saying is it would be nice to get something out of love.

I do think your situation is much different from mine. Alot different. My parents paid for my sister to go to College. I didn't go and so I didn't get that paid for. Even with the mistreatment I have endured I was able to rationalize that. But to me the Christmas situation is different. Maybe it shouldn't be that's why I am working through it.

Maybe if you started your own thread, and posted your question it would help you. But you must keep an open mind and it seems as if your pain has caused to much bitterness in you to do that. I think the Disboards is a very neat place. I do not post very much but read on here all the time. I think I can honestly say that people on here have changed my life just by reading their opinion even when I disagree.

You need to understand that we do not know your life or everything you have been through. Just like some people who have posted on here don't know my life. So when someone posts something like you have, mean towards me it doesn't bother me at all. If you would just listen to some of what has been said I think you wouldn't be so mean. And if you don't think you have been a little mean than that just shows you have allowed your pain to manifest to anger. It is obvious to me you have been treated unfair at some point of time in your life or you wouldn't be so angry.

I really hope that maybe my thread would make you think and open your heart and maybe we both can heal from it all. Disagree or not, your right or I am right, at the end of the day the pain is still there. Don't you want to let that go?

I would normally not even respond to someone like you but I really see that you must be hurting to be saying the things you are. And for some reason that bothers me. Even though you are a stranger to me. It just makes me sad to see such pain when life is so short. So I do hope that one day, you do find peace and are able to work through it all. I hope I do too.

 

[prncess674]

You are refusing to see what people are actually saying. No one said that d2 should get 8/9 of the $1000. The more equal gifts (and most are not even saying 100% equal here) would go to each member of the family. D2 is a person in and of her self and so are each of her children and her spouse. EACH person in the family would be given a somewhat equal gift. There are not 2 people in this family, there are 9.


You seem to not think of your sister's family as members of your family only as extensions of her that are taking your inheirentance. And anything given to her children, you will see as given to your sister. That is not the way it is.

You are misunderstanding. I have been told by the Dis brigade that my parent's money is my parent's money so they should be able to spend and disperse it as they see fit and I should stop whining that they are dispersing it in a way that I find unfair. Fine, I get that, but yet in the same breath you folks are crying foul over the OP's mother. The OP's mother has decided that this is how she chooses to disperse her funds. $500 to D1 and $500 split between D2 and family. Why aren't you folks telling her to suck it up, it is Mom's money she can choose to do with it as she pleases.

 

[surfgirl]

I don't think that Daughter A should get money equal to that spent on Daughter B's wedding just to be equal.

Ironically, this is how it was in my family... I was the only daughter, so when I got married, my parents told me their budget for the wedding... and cut me a check and then I managed expenses. (which made everyone happier!). They felt that my brothers "deserved" the equivalent amount, so my brothers also got a check for a similar amount. Therefore, my wedding really "cost" my parents 3x the true wedding expenses they paid. My husband, being funny, joked... 'hey this isn't fair. surfgirl's brothers got their wedding paid for (by spouse's parents) AND they got a check when surfgirl got married. I only got a wedding.'

In this case, the 'fairness' concept was taken too far. But having said that, they paid for (most of) my wedding and for that, I'm grateful. I also came out of college debt-free, so trust me, I have no complaints. (just minor opinion differences... their money, they choose how to spend it)

I had forgotten all about it until this post.

 

[prncess674]

Ironically, this is how it was in my family... I was the only daughter, so when I got married, my parents told me their budget for the wedding... and cut me a check and then I managed expenses. (which made everyone happier!). They felt that my brothers "deserved" the equivalent amount, so my brothers also got a check for a similar amount. Therefore, my wedding really "cost" my parents 3x the true wedding expenses they paid. My husband, being funny, joked... 'hey this isn't fair. surfgirl's brothers got their wedding paid for (by spouse's parents) AND they got a check when surfgirl got married. I only got a wedding.'

In this case, the 'fairness' concept was taken too far. But having said that, they paid for (most of) my wedding and for that, I'm grateful. I also came out of college debt-free, so trust me, I have no complaints. (just minor opinion differences... their money, they choose how to spend it)

I had forgotten all about it until this post.

Why do you think it wasn't fair that your brothers got a check? Your brothers got married just like you did? Your parents gave you a check when you got married? Just because you had to use yours to pay for the wedding is irrelevant. You could have pocketed the cash and had a small wedding on a budget, you decided to spend it all on a wedding.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This is why after 10 years I posted the question. The Christmas situation I guess isn't the major problem. Just another issue. I am in the process of making major decisions in my life and all these emotions are coming up. I wanted to be sure I am looking at both sides and not making more out of things because of my pain. I guess after 33 yrs of being told I am the problem and realizing through friends and other family that I am not, all these emotions are coming up. To be honest, I can not deal with it anymore and it has taken its toll. For some reason I was able to suck it up when it effected me but when my kids starting sharing their feelings and I realized they were feeling some of what I have felt, I decided enough was enough. I have been able to deal with them all my life but It hurts me to see my kids hurt.

But somehow it still feels wrong. I have been raised to honor your father and mother and it feels like I am not doing that if I decide to not have a relationship with them. And I guess in some ways I think well, maybe one day they will change. I went to therapy with my parents on Thurs and it didn't go well. The therapist seems very good though and he recommends me coming bk. (he recommended them to come on their own but they won't) I am going to start going on my own in Jan. (first apt I could get.) I hope it helps me. I am not sure what the outcome will be. Can you be given tools that will help you better handle the situations? How do you let go of the pain and not allow it to come back up when they hurt you all over again?

For those that have lost their Mothers, I am very sorry for you. I often say to myself, I just want mine to love me and want me. I often say how sad that I can't get along with mine when other 'moms' would give anything to still be alive to be with their daughters. Again, sorry if I hurt anyone in that situation. But please understand your loss is much greater then mine because you had a loving relationship and with me, I have never had that and I am guessing never will.

Thanks to everyone who has posted. I do not feel as if anyone has taken sides. I don't see where anyone is saying one is right or wrong, just how they feel and would feel. I also think others are sharing how it is in their family and how they feel about it. That is exactly what I wanted to know. I feel like this thread has been mostly fair. I don't feel judged at all and see both sides of the Christmas situation. I used daughter 1 and 2 for 2 reasons, one being to make it easier for everyone to keep it all straight. Also, I am over emotional right now and wasn't sure how this thread would go.

I just wanted to address the bolded.

There is a thing called reciprocity. In order to have a "healthy" meaningful relationship with anyone, there has to be give and take.

Somewhere along the line you did not get this message. Instead, you are living as a co-dependent.

Living as a co-dependent with someone is not healthy and it will make you crazy because it is a crazy way to live.

Therapy will teach you how to spot your spiral and give you healthy strategies for dealing with co-dependent relationships, so you don't go crazy.

Example, you focus on "Christmas gifts", money spent, parental pressure, etc.. to distract you from the real issues. Time to get off the hamster wheel.

It does not have to be "all or nothing". You can learn how to set up boundaries with your family.