opinions needed about gifts split between adult daughters

[DisneyBamaFan]

So you think daughter number 2 should suck it up?? How do you not let it hurt your feelings to watch one person get so much and the other to have nothing?

It is not the receiver that is blessed on Christmas day, but the giver.

 

[seven dwarfs]

Well, I would spend equal amounts on the dd's and would not include the grandchildren in the equation.

How much is the mom spending on the grandkids vs the adult dd's? If this is to balance out what mom spends on the grandkids, then I do not agree with that.

1st daughter= $500

2ND daughter, husband, six kids= $500 (split between 8, but actually 6 since parents forgo their gift)

 

[Pakey]

This is how daughter number 2 feels but wonders if it is wrong of her, selfish to feel this way? Daughter number 2 would never tell her Mom this is how she feels.

IMO, Daughter 2 is wrong and selfish to feel this way. She and her sister are getting gifts of equal value; she can't consider her niece/nephew/brother in law gifts into the equation.

 

[HM]

My FIL gives money for Xmas every year. Each adult (4 children and spouses) get the same amount of $$. Grandkids (7) each get the same amount but less than adults each get.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

1st daughter= $500

2ND daughter, husband, six kids= $500 (split between 8, but actually 6 since parents forgo their gift)

How about this -

1st daughter - gifts purchased with love

2nd daughter - gifts purchased with love
Husband - gifts purchased with love
Child 1 - gifts purchased with love
Child 2 - gifts purchased with love
Child 3 - gifts purchased with love
Child 4 - gifts purchased with love
Child 5 - gifts purchased with love
Child 6 - gifts purchased with love

Plenty of love - isn't that what it is all about?

 

[Por1968]

If people are keeping track, even subconsciously, they have already missed the whole point of Christmas. The problem here has nothing to do with money.

If someone is complaining that their gift cost $50 and someon else's gift cost $75, then sure your right.

However, in this case where the parent has a rule to spend as much on the single daughter as the parent is spending on the entire other daughter's large family, it certainly seems unfair.

 

[seven dwarfs]

It is not the receiver that is blessed on Christmas day, but the giver.

So to receive a gift isn't blessing to you?

Please don't think I am picking on you, I am really curious in the thought of those that may not agree with my thoughts and would like to see both sides of the situation.

Also, there is more to this as you suggested in your earlier post because the mom and daughter 1 are very very close and the mom and daughter 2 have never bonded. (the mom says she just could never connect to daughter 2)

So is it an extension of that pain which turns into a jealous at Christmas time? Or is it a legitimate feeling?

 

[Kathi OD]

3 adult kids here. I make a budget per child, this year $300. Two kids are married - they split their $300 with their spouse, so each gets about $150 (it might end up $140/$160, but close and still $300 for both). Our single child gets the $300 for him. He'll have to split his share when he gets married.

Our grands are still little (the oldest just turned 4) and are all in the same family. I give that family an extra $100 for each child to purchase "Santa" gifts. When the others have children, they'll get the same. I then purchase gifts from G-Mom & Pop Pop. Right now because they are so young I don't worry about the dollar amount so much. Each will get a pair of pj's, a couple of outfits, and a couple of individual toys (about $30 total on them) and a couple of toys for they can share.

My kids don't seem to have a problem with this arrangement, and to be honest, if they did, too bad. My money. I get to decide how to spend it.

 

[sbsteel]

Something taught to me from an early age - what fair isn't always equal, and what's equal isn't always fair.

The daughter feeling slighted told her parents to forego her in order for the kids to have more, so that's partially her doing if she gets nothing.

The biggest thing IMHO is that it's up to the parents how they spend their money. You can change your reactions or how you deal with it, but you can't change what they do - nor is it your place to.

 

[oscarkitty1]

I see this issue from both sides. DH and I do not have children. My DS and DBIL have two - my beloved neices.

My Mom is always expressing to me that she feels bad because she spends so much more on their family in total (throughout the year, not just Christmas). So I can see where the Mom feels this way and wants to keep things equal among the families (even though the single daugther is a one-person "family").

That said - it doesn't bother me one bit that my Mom does spend more on them, no matter what time of year. It's not about the dollar amount, it's about the thought. I wouldn't be upset if DH and I got $200 and they got $400. But at the same time, I would hope that my sister would also not get upset if we got $400 and they got $400. And I know her well enough to know she wouldn't.

I think this is what BamaFan means. Christmas should not be about tallying the value of what was spent/given.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

So to receive a gift isn't blessing to you?

Please don't think I am picking on you, I am really curious in the thought of those that may not agree with my thoughts and would like to see both sides of the situation.

Also, there is more to this as you suggested in your earlier post because the mom and daughter 1 are very very close and the mom and daughter 2 have never bonded. (the mom says she just could never connect to daughter 2)

So is it an extension of that pain which turns into a jealous at Christmas time? Or is it a legitimate feeling?

I am just saying that we need to receive things as gifts, not as $$$. If anything is given in love, accept it in love. Forget the $$$.

I have an Aunt who gives away things at Christmas time that she picks up free. She never spends money on Christmas gifts. But she spends a great deal of time looking for something that each of us would like each year. We have come to appreciate the fact that she actually puts more thought and love into our gifts than we do into hers - and it isn't even close. Yes, we spend money, but she gives with no less love than we do.

It really isn't about the money. At least, it isn't supposed to be.

 

[Tanbellisima]

The problem with this is on Christmas the 1st daughter has lots and lavish, while the 2nd daughter goes without. It is ovious the amount spent. It's not as if you can keep track and not know how much is spent. The kids also see the Aunt getting lots and lavish as well.

Both daughters have their own individual lives.
Their mother chooses to send them $500 each for Christmas.
It is irrelevant how many children each has.
The $500 gift is for the daughters. The mother had her two daughters, she is giving her gifts to her daughters.

How the daughters choose to live their lives and spend their gifts is irrelevant.
Just because one daughter chose to have six children should have no bearing on what the childless daughter receives.

I see that you are trying to get a specific response here.
The mother in this situation giving to her daughters is being loving to her offspring. How daughter who has no kids lives and how she is perceived "living lavish" has no bearing on the fact that her mother loves her and gives her a Christmas gift of $500.

 

[ChrizJen]

In our situation, it would be the equivalent to the mom giving more to the family with children than to the single person. My mom always gives to the individuals, not the families.
So say she's giving the single child $50. Then she'd give the married child who has 2 kids $200. I was the single child for years and never questioned it one bit. Even now, my brother's and sister's families get more than my family does because they both have multiple kids and I only have one. My mom gives the same amount to each person, whether they're a child, a grandchild, a spouse, etc. It's really the only fair way.

But I should also add that I'm not exactly clear on how the gifts are being given. If the gifts are strictly for her daughters (and there are seperate gifts for the spouse/children), then the amounts for the daughters should be exactly the same. If the gifts are meant to cover her daughters and any spouse/children they may have, then I would give more to the married daughter. I don't see it as giving more to one child than the other though. I see it as giving the same amount to each daughter, and then giving some to the spouse and children as well.

 

[clutter]

IMO, Daughter 2 is wrong and selfish to feel this way. She and her sister are getting gifts of equal value; she can't consider her niece/nephew/brother in law gifts into the equation.

ITA. However, I think that if both daughter's were in reasonably good financial shape, daughter 1 is also being selfish for not saying to mom that this doesn't make sense (I was the single, unmarried daugher with two sisters with 6 kids between them. There is NO WAY I'd let my mom do that. But... my mom was an awful gift giver.) I also think that mom has been playing 'equal' for a long long time, probably since childhood, and as a result has raised two girls to see everything through an 'is it equal?' lens. Daughter 1 sees equal as fair, daughter 2 does not. When daughter 2's family was only 3 or 4, it probably didn't seem as unbalanced as it does now.

ETA: I just saw OP's next question. Yes, I think your feelings cannot be pure on the subject. If it wasn't for the unequal bond, which your mom apparently recognizes and doesn't care about it, this situation wouldn't have happened. There would be no calculations. I can't imagine wanting to spend Christmas with your mom. I'd stay home and sacrifice the gifts if need be. Is your mom close to your kids? If so, it's wrong. If not, it's time to cut the ties. I think you see your mom's division of gifts between the daughters, rather than each member of the family, as a snub to your kids, and I don't blame you.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I see this issue from both sides. DH and I do not have children. My DS and DBIL have two - my beloved neices.

My Mom is always expressing to me that she feels bad because she spends so much more on their family in total (throughout the year, not just Christmas). So I can see where the Mom feels this way and wants to keep things equal among the families (even though the single daugther is a one-person "family").

That said - it doesn't bother me one bit that my Mom does spend more on them, no matter what time of year. It's not about the dollar amount, it's about the thought. I wouldn't be upset if DH and I got $200 and they got $400. But at the same time, I would hope that my sister would also not get upset if we got $400 and they got $400. And I know her well enough to know she wouldn't.

I think this is what BamaFan means. Christmas should not be about tallying the value of what was spent/given.

This - Thanks...

 

[Tanbellisima]

It wouldn't work this way in our family. In your scenario, there are nine people in total. Your mom has $1000 to spend. That leaves just over $100 per person and that is how my mom would break it up.

My brother gets $100. He is single, without kids. I am married with two kids so we get $400. It is my mom's money and she can do with it as she pleases but I have to admit that I wouldn't be overly thrilled if my brother got $400 (the same amount as my family) just because he is divorced and never had children. I wouldn't say anything because it is her money but it would bug me.

Why should it bug you that you have made choices that your brother has not?
You chose to have children and he chose not to.
Why should your brother get less than you?
Is he less than you?
Should your present be better because you are fecund?
What if he had 13 children and your mother said: Well he is better at procreating so I give him all the Christmas money?

 

[Tanbellisima]

I just wanted to get opinions from others:

Mom has two daughters and both are adults. One daughter is not married and has no children. The other daughter is married with six children. Would you spend say $500 on gifts each. This would mean the 1st one gets $500 worth of goods. The 2ND daughter would have to split the $500 worth of goods to all eight (or just to the six kids and parents go without). Or would you give more money to the 2ND daughter. Which is most fair?

I am just curious what others think.

Fair is relative.
I think if the mom is giving gifts to her daughters then they should each receive an equal gift.
Both daughters are loved so they should each receive and equal $500.

Now if mom wants to give her granchildren individual gifts then she can do that too.
If she can not afford to do this then the money should be just given equally to each daughter.

The daughters made their own choices in life.
What if the daughter who has no children wants to put up her Christmas money for a future family and she is planning. Should she receive less?

 

[okeydokey]

I think it's moms money and if she wants each daughter to have the same share for their own family, that's her choice. Should the first daughter be "penalized" for not having 6 children?

In this case, each family got 500, so it's even.

 

[design_mom]

When I'm dividing my gift budget, I do it on a "per person" basis, not "per family." If I had this situation, I would have the same amount budgeted for each daughter, and son-in-law and grandchildren would have their own piece of the budget, not be tied to their mother's portion. But it's the Mom's money to divide how she wishes.

As a gift-giver, I would not feel right giving more to one daughter because we "bond more," nor to one niece because I like her more, etc. On the other hand, if the single daughter does something specific for Mom (drives her to her doctor's appointments, grocery shops for her,etc.), maybe she could/should get an additional gift as her personal assistant.

As an example, I buy my sister (and DH's) each a $50 gift. They get equally priced gift, even though I like my sister better than DH's. However, my sister also watches my kids before school every day. I am getting her an additional gift "for the babysitter," who also happens to be my sister.

 

[LisaR]

If people are keeping track, even subconsciously, they have already missed the whole point of Christmas. The problem here has nothing to do with money.

It is not the receiver that is blessed on Christmas day, but the giver.

How about this -

1st daughter - gifts purchased with love

2nd daughter - gifts purchased with love
Husband - gifts purchased with love
Child 1 - gifts purchased with love
Child 2 - gifts purchased with love
Child 3 - gifts purchased with love
Child 4 - gifts purchased with love
Child 5 - gifts purchased with love
Child 6 - gifts purchased with love

Plenty of love - isn't that what it is all about?

I honestly get what you are saying and I don't disagree with you but I guess I do, in a way. Clear as mud, right?

I have two kids. I don't sit there and add every dime up that I spend on them. I am not all about making it even. However, I do have a minimum that I spend. I do not have a maximum. One year, my DD needed a new laptop so she got that plus plenty of other expensive things. DS didn't want or need anything that was that expensive but I did make sure to spend the minimum on him. This year, it is the complete opposite. I went WAY over my minimum with DS and just hit the minimum with DD. It is based solely on what they want. They are gifts that were purchased with love. So, this is the part where I agree with you!

However........there are exceptions. My mom chooses to give cash. She has done this for years now. I keep track of her finances so I happen to know how much she gives everyone. If my mom chose to give my DH $100 and only gave my sister's DH $25, that would certainly say something. Again, her money and she can do what she wants but playing favorites is never a good thing in a family.

Another example. I have three separate families that I buy for. I am not particularly close to them since they all live in different states. My budget is $50. Thanks to some great online deals, I only spent $30 each on two of the families and was able to get them around $65 worth of stuff. The other family has much younger kids and I didn't find any deals so I spent the $50 I had planned. I don't see anything wrong with that. It is the thought that counts. I put effort into it and I can't imagine anyone complaining or feeling slighted. If they did, I would think they are missing the whole meaning.

Personally, I think my mom should only give money to the grandkids and great-grandkids. I think giving money to her grown kids and our spouses is a waste and we have all tried to convince her for years to stop. She insists so it is what it is. However, if she chooses to go this route, I do think it makes sense to give a fairly equal amount.