Open Adoption. Any experience?

[Diva of Dragons]

Hi!

Though I haven't been around much, some of you may remember that we have a 2.5 year old girl that we are working on adopting through foster care. DH and I have been discussing open adoption (with VERY specific parameters). I mentioned it to the Social Worker, yesterday, and it was like a weight lifted off her. She said that if we are willing to go that route, it could be HUGE for the case and significantly shorten the time it takes to resolve it, so we can move forward as an official family.

My question is, have any of you had an open adoption? If so, how has it worked out? Do you have any advice for negotiating one?

Thanks!!!

 

[aprilgail2]

I don't have an experience with it but just wanted to say that it is great that you would consider that. Took me many years of heartache and pain to search out my bio-mother/family. Didn't change my feelings for my real parents (yes, the parents that adopted me are my real parents...the person that had me is my bio or birth-not real IMO) and I had the peace of knowing where I came from and knowing my bio "family" too!

 

[anniemae]

We are an adoptive family and I highly recommend you read the book, "Making Room in our Hearts" by Mickey Duxbury. It really opens your eyes on open adoptions.

 

[happygirl]

I know this can't happen with open adoption but it weighs on my mind, I feel with open adoption the birth parents might want the child back as some point

 

[Jedana]

My oldest daughter had a son 5 years ago. She was 16, she made a bad choice, and ended up pregnant.

The father and DD made the choice to give the baby up for adoption. They picked a nice couple that her grandmother knew from church early in the pregnancy; the couple went through an agency who did all the required checks and paperwork.

They chose an open adoption. My daughter gets to see her son as often as she wants, but she usually sees him once a month. She has celebrated his birthday and other holidays with him, and the family is very good about letting her talk to him on the phone and keeps her informed via emails. (The father is no longer involved by his choice.) He knows her as "mama X" (the adopted mother came up with that, he knows he has 2 mommys and 2 daddys, but only lives with one set)

It is very hard on my daughter, seeing him grow and change, but I think it would have been much harder for her not to know him at all--to just wonder what he was like and if he was ok. It would have been harder, on both of them, if she had kept him--being in high school and having a baby is not an easy road.

Open adoption should be entered into very very carefully. It works for DD, but it doesn't for everyone. It takes a special person to adopt, and a special person to do an open adoption.

If you go down this road, make sure to go slow, and have all the rules into place before agreeing. can the parents visit? When? how often? where? are they allowed to give the child things? are they allowed to take the child places? do they get input on things like food, schooling, medical issues, etc? is there a drug/alcohol/abuse problem that needs to be fixed before they can be involved? most important: IS IT IN THE CHILD'S BEST INTERESTS?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am not sure how 'open' this may be.

My advice... TREAD VERY, VERY, CAREFULLY.
Especially if it comes down to anything more than updates, etc.. forwarded thru the agency.

 

[Magic Mom]

I thnk open adoption in a normal setting is a very different situation than open adoption resulting from a foster care situation. Are the parents fighting the adoption process? Are they mentally/emotionally capapble of handling an open adoption situation?

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

I know this can't happen with open adoption but it weighs on my mind, I feel with open adoption the birth parents might want the child back as some point

And fears like this are the exact reason why the little girl I gave birth to will likely never know me. I gave her up in an open adoption to FAMILY and everything was fine for the first few months. Then suddenly fear took over and even though I never said I wanted her back (I don't) they cut off all communication with me and immediate family.

I don't even know what she looks like.

I have never wanted her back. I have always known that I am not in a position to raise a child. But that doesn't mean I didn't want to know her, see what she looks like or celebrate her accomplishments.

I will never be her mother. I knew that from the beginning. But now because of irrational fears I may never even be her friend.

And that is more hurtful than anything.

Open adoption can be a blessing, and if a woman has willfully given up her child she knows that child isn't hers to 'want back' anymore. Is giving up a child for adoption hard? Yes. Do you have doubts or regrets? Sometimes. But I, and most birth mothers I have ever met, would never even entertain the thought of getting that child back.

My thoughts are all over the place. I am sorry if none of this makes sense.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

My DH was in an open adoption back in the days before such things existed - it was a private adoption and my DMIL became close friends with DH's bio-mom's grandmother, so things were completely open, even though, by mutual choice, DH and his bio-mom have never met.

I was adopted thru' a normal closed adoption agency route.

Comparing the two experience with all the differences in personality and families and life choices. . .

I am 100% behind open adoption. I think in the best of cases it will help both families and in the worst of cases it can only help both families. It will not be all peaches and cream and open adoptions come with their own set of problems, but for all concerned it is the best thing to do. It is likely hardest on the adoptive parents who have all sorts of (mostly) irrational fears, but even they benefit, because they can be forwarned about differences in temperament between their bio-family and birth family, possibilities of inherited disorders, and from a purely altruistic standpoint, get to share the love of their child, which can only make their love bigger, not smaller. Also, what parent wouldn't want what benefits the child, and open adoption does benefit the kids.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Open adoption was not a thing we were willing to do.
I hope everything works out terrific for your family. We have traveled the adoption road and it's bumpy but keep your eye on the prize. Your beautiful family.

Would love to see a sub topic on the Dos about adoption/foster/infertility.....

 

[Mama Who]

I have known parties to two open adoptions. Neither went well. I'm sorry that's not very positive but it's my experience. I am sure there are some that go just fine but in one case the family packed and moved in the middle of the night because the biomom would not quit stalking them.

 

[deegack]

We are also looking to adopt through foster care. My understand in my state at least, is the vast majority of children available for foster/adopt as opposed to straight foster care, are either already available for adoption or legally at-risk meaning the process to terminate parental rights has already started.

It probably varies by state, but I think it would be the exception not the norm for an open adoption through foster/adopt.

Good Luck!

 

[happygirl]

And fears like this are the exact reason why the little girl I gave birth to will likely never know me. I gave her up in an open adoption to FAMILY and everything was fine for the first few months. Then suddenly fear took over and even though I never said I wanted her back (I don't) they cut off all communication with me and immediate family.

I don't even know what she looks like.

I have never wanted her back. I have always known that I am not in a position to raise a child. But that doesn't mean I didn't want to know her, see what she looks like or celebrate her accomplishments.

I will never be her mother. I knew that from the beginning. But now because of irrational fears I may never even be her friend.

And that is more hurtful than anything.

Open adoption can be a blessing, and if a woman has willfully given up her child she knows that child isn't hers to 'want back' anymore. Is giving up a child for adoption hard? Yes. Do you have doubts or regrets? Sometimes. But I, and most birth mothers I have ever met, would never even entertain the thought of getting that child back.

My thoughts are all over the place. I am sorry if none of this makes sense.

I'm not saying open adoptions are bad, i would just be worried that the birth parents would want the child back, That scares me to death!!

 

[Belle0101]

The only experience I have with adoption is an open adoption and it went the worst case scenario route.

It was a couple that was very good friends with our family. About the time the son turned 11 the bio-mom wanted him back. Through whatever legal action was possible, she was able to get him back. It absolutely crushed the adoptive parents, beyond belief. They are now divorced.

My advice - tread carefully if you choose this route. Make sure all the legal documents are clear, concise and with all the i's dotted and all the t's crossed. Check for loopholes and then check again. Lots of paperwork now can save you from potential heartbreak later.

I think it's wonderful that you and your DH have opened up your home and hearts to a child. I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

 

[Baileymouse]

My case is a little different because it involves family. My half -sister is a drug addict, and her child was taken away at birth. We applied to be her guardians. My sister didn't allow us to adopt, so the state of NJ pushed it through as Kinship Legal Guardianship. I have full legal custody but I can't change her name and I can't move out of the country.

It hasn't exactly been the best. My sister has been through multiple stints in rehab, and eventually gave up. Even though she was in her late 20s when my little one was born, she acted like a 16 year old, and still does. She treated her like a doll, wanted to play and show her off, but didn't want any real responsibility. The poor child felt so caught in the middle because my sister kept insisting on visitation. I had to bring her to a counselor, who finally got everyone involved (my mother & stepfather, as well as her caseworker) to see that seeing my sister is the worst thing for her. She no longer sees her, but I'm still in the legal limbo of kinship.

The DYFS caseworker admitted later that it should have been put through as an adoption, but they saw a nice, white, middle-class family with a lot of support and figured my idiot sister was just going through a phase. Bah. She's 35 this year and still hasn't grown at all. If anything, her drug use broke up our parents.

Be careful with open adoption and make sure your precious new child is shielded from anything negative, if at all possible.

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

The only experience I have with adoption is an open adoption and it went the worst case scenario route.

It was a couple that was very good friends with our family. About the time the son turned 11 the bio-mom wanted him back. Through whatever legal action was possible, she was able to get him back. It absolutely crushed the adoptive parents, beyond belief. They are now divorced.

My advice - tread carefully if you choose this route. Make sure all the legal documents are clear, concise and with all the i's dotted and all the t's crossed. Check for loopholes and then check again. Lots of paperwork now can save you from potential heartbreak later.

I think it's wonderful that you and your DH have opened up your home and hearts to a child. I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

How is that even possible? I can tell you from experience that when you give a child up for adoption, open or not, you completely sign away any parental rights that you have. The birth certificate changes even. Because ours was private I even went in front of a judge and had to swear that I understood and was not being made to give my child up.

I do not understand how that could have happened.

Also, please remember that more times than not there are more good experiences with open adoption than bad. People just more often talk about the bad.

Most birth mothers aren't sitting, wringing their hands and lying in wait to get the kid they gave up back.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

My son was adopted internationally but one of my best friends became a mother through an open domestic adoption.

The key to it working properly is setting specific ground rules about communication, visits etc. They decided that communication would be through e-mail or the agency and that visits would be arrainged in public places. (They were advised not to have birth mom know where they lived for privacy)

The first year of her daughter's life the birth mom stayed in contact through the agency and they met in public places a few times. After the first year, contact dropped off and now they hear from birth mom maybe once a year. (Daughter is now 6). A year ago the child's paternal birth grandmother started making a rukus at the adoption agency and wanting to see "her baby's baby". My friend sent some photos and is going to do a yearly update for the grandmother but are not going to be doing any visits due to the history of issues with the birth father & his family.

It can work! Just set firm rules and stay with them. Good Luck to you!

 

[Diva of Dragons]

Thank you all, so much for your input! Keep it coming, please! It's heartbreaking to hear about the situations that haven't worked out. ...... One of my best friends is 60 and was forced to give up her daughter at birth, when she was 17. They located each other, a few years ago, and started a relationship. Recently, her daughter seems to have backed off and I see how hard that is so, it has also effected how I look at this situation.

Believe me, treading into these waters, I NEVER thought I would consider openness, at any level, but having had to see the bios 2-3 days a week, for the last 10 months, has shifted that. Here are some details about our particular situation and why we are thinking about keeping it open...

1) Since it's foster, and not voluntary relinquishment, they could want her back all they wanted but once the State terminates their rights it's a done deal.

2) The bio mom has significant mental deficits, is less than harmless, and quite childlike herself. She seems kind of fragile. I actually have concerns about what might happen to her, once she actually comprehends she may never see "little one" again, or know how she is.

3) Bio father, only seems to be going through the motions of "reunification" out of fear he will never see "little one" again, or know how she is; not because he wants to parent.

4) They are both about 40 with no drug, violence, etc... history. Our contact has always been cordial. They don't even complain about us, which is rare in foster cases.

More potential reasons for choosing open adoption run the gamut. Many of them, you guys have given in your replies. 1) "Little one" might want to see for herself of what they are like because she will know the truth about how she came to us. 2) Medical history! 3) Genealogical info. 4) Cultural history...Her bio father is not from here. 5) I was not raised with my father, but had contact, so I 'get' it! Same with the half sibs that I knew I had but did not meet, or have contact with, until my 20s.. There are more reasons but this is a start.

On the legal side, the bios lawyers know they are already losing the case but it's their job to fight. If social services submits an open permanency plan, they will likely be more willing to move forward to the termination hearing, instead of fighting to drag things out an extra 6 months. Also, if they agree to this, it stops all appeals to the termination of rights, which could take forever and go to the Federal level. This aspect is not the largest factor in our decision. But, obviously, it would be great! We are more concerned about ""little one's" emotional health in the long run. We never want her to feel bad or ashamed of her rough beginnings. I know they love her but they can't take care of her.

As for our parameters: We aren't talking being involved in each others lives. They would have no say in how she is raised, educated, etc...We're talking semi-annual, maybe quarterly, updates and pics and 1 monitored visit that we are present for, per year, as an opening "offer". Even that might be difficult to follow through on, only because they are not stable and tend to move around a lot, within the area, so the onus would be on them to at least keep a lawyer on notice of their whereabouts.

OK, this post is loooong enough. LOL!!

 

[EMom]

To each his own, but I am not a big fan of open adoptions. They usually do not go south, but when they do.....ACK!!!! Our old neighbor had an open adoption of sorts....mainly photos and updates. But the birthmom kept showing up unannounced and wanting to visit the child, which had never been part of the agreement. Sometimes they saw her watching the house. When they moved, we all agreed to never tell anyone where they went and swear we had no idea. The parents could not take it any longer.

 

[MickeyCrazedMom]

I'm not saying open adoptions are bad, i would just be worried that the birth parents would want the child back, That scares me to death!!

I can understand that fear, but even if they want them back, they cannot legally get them back.

I have been through 3 domestic adoptions and ours are all semi open. We have met the birthparents, spent time with them before and immediately after the birth and now have contact through pictures and letters. We do not do visits. This works really well for our family, and I am not completely opposed to visits once my kids are old enough to make the decision for themselves and for them to handle whatever consequences may come from those visits.

When we first started the process the idea of spending time with the birthparents scared me to death. Even last week someone asked me if I was afraid that the birthmom might want the kids back when they get pictures and see how cute and sweet they are. I don't worry about that at all. Birthparents spend a lot of time making the hardest decision of their life and almost always are doing it to better the childs life. Seeing how happy and healthy and cute they are just affirms what they did. My DSs birthmom asked us to stop sending pics after 1 year and it breaks my heart. Sometimes I really wish I could reach out to her and let her know what an amazing kid he is and how grateful I am to her for making me a mom.

How is that even possible? I can tell you from experience that when you give a child up for adoption, open or not, you completely sign away any parental rights that you have. The birth certificate changes even. Because ours was private I even went in front of a judge and had to swear that I understood and was not being made to give my child up.

I do not understand how that could have happened.

Also, please remember that more times than not there are more good experiences with open adoption than bad. People just more often talk about the bad.

Most birth mothers aren't sitting, wringing their hands and lying in wait to get the kid they gave up back.

My thoughts exactly! This either happened a long time ago or it was not a legal adoption. I have 3 birth certificates that list my children with my husband and I as their parents. No one is taking them anywhere!

And to you for your decision. I have never felt such a profound connection to a stranger as I did when meeting my kids birthmoms. We share a child together.

OP - this is such a personal decision that is different for everyone. Good luck in your journey