Only other planning addicts will understand...

[Happyjen27]

My husband causally says : What days are we going to be in Orlando?

My wary response: Why......

DH: Buddy (who lives in Miami) is going to be there too, he wants to meet up.

Inside my brains:

I know I should be all sorts of happy to meet up with Buddy, his GF and her DD. I am really, really trying to be chill, and relaxed, and all

This is my first Disney trip. This is my DD5 and DS5 first trip. DH has been once or twice as a kid. I've been pouring over these DISboards for months, making, remaking and tweaking our schedule. Successfully made all my ADRs for when I wanted, except for the elusive BOG because I showed up to that party 4 hours too late.

I have planned, what I believe to be a super fun trip, with the right balance of objectives and downtime. The right balance of RD, naps, early nights and late nights. The right balance between not expecting perfection from this trip, but trying to know where to find some fun if time and energy allows.

And now here comes this wildcard sauntering in, wondering at which resort we are staying.

DH doesn't understand. But I knew you all would.

So, I told Buddy when we were arriving, what we would be doing each day that is in his timeframe and haven't heard a thing back. DH also informed me that "Buddy wants to play golf" with DH. Grrrrrrr. DH golfs 2-3 times per week, he goes on golf trips with friends at least once, sometimes twice a year. Although my first reaction was "this is a family trip, not a golf trip", I managed to utter the words "well, it's your choice to do that. I envisioned this to be a family trip. But, if you want to golf, we can find time in the afternoon on Friday or Saturday. I hope you don't run late and miss our Chef Mickey reservation Friday at 5:35 or Ohana on Saturday night"

I wanted this trip to be just us. I knew that ILs wanted to come, so they are joining us 4 days after the trip starts, and I wanted those first 4 days to be just us. In general I have a very clear sense of boundaries and a good way of communicating them, so I'm not struggling there, just annoyed that one of our golden 4 days alone might be crashed by Buddy, his GF and her DD. My strategy will be to invite along to what we are doing, but not change plans around them. When I travel with people, I am a fan of separating at will with no hard feelings.

The average Disney vacationer wouldn't understand, but I knew my DIS crew would!

 

[t_daniels]

Aw. I'm sorry.

 

[RedHeadedFairy]

Yes, I would find that completely irritating & a bit intrusive.

Unless it's his BFF that he only sees infrequently, I'd likely be irked. (And honestly, if they were BFF's & I were trip-planning & knew they lived that close I'd have probably reached out to them letting them know we'd be in town & planned a day in our itinerary to include visiting them.)

I, personally, wouldn't change my plans at this point. It's no small amount of work & hair-pulling that go into planning these kinds of trips to find the right balance of relaxation & activity. Maybe send them a copy of your park itinerary & ADR's & encourage them to join you in whatever activities they want to participate in?

 

[ghtx]

I am on your husband's side.

What did he do wrong? He asked you about what the plans were since he wanted to meet with his friends. He asked in advance, not while you were there.

To be frank, it sounds to me like the problem is with your planning. You mention how you've been planning for months on the DIS, etc. But obviously your husband had no idea about any of your plans. Did you ever consider talking to him about your plans?

I also don't understand your desire to have a "strategy" to deal with your husband's request, as if he's some office co-worker whom you don't want to have to talk to. Why can't you sit down together and have a discussion about your trip? He was the one who tried to bring up planning with you, and your reaction was (and I quote)

Sorry to flame on your parade. I too am a planning addict, but I don't understand your perspective.

 

[Missy13d69]

Ugh. I am so very sorry you are going through this.

I have nightmares about people deciding to hijack our trip. I've even warded off my best friend from high school and her family. I'm being very stingy about this trip. This is our first, and possibly the only trip we may have where I am really able to participate. (I have a medical condition that will most likely restrict me to a wheel chair, and restrict my movement, in the next few years.) I don't want to miss a minute of the experience because of extra people.

I hope you are able to get through it with as little intrusion and damaged family time as possible.

 

[Happyjen27]

You didn't flame on my parade.

You're not the first person to say that my planning is a problem, LOL. Which is probably why he tunes me out after months of me saying "so, I think I might switch up the days we do DHS and MK".

My strategy was for how to include extra, unplanned and self-invited guests was what I was describing, not my strategy with my DH, who, incidentally didn't make any requests.

So, when I said I knew that you all would understand, I should have left room for the one or two people who want to create sides and controversy where there is none.

 

[bankgirl05]

My husband causally says : What days are we going to be in Orlando?

My wary response: Why......

DH: Buddy (who lives in Miami) is going to be there too, he wants to meet up.

Inside my brains:

I know I should be all sorts of happy to meet up with Buddy, his GF and her DD. I am really, really trying to be chill, and relaxed, and all

This is my first Disney trip. This is my DD5 and DS5 first trip. DH has been once or twice as a kid. I've been pouring over these DISboards for months, making, remaking and tweaking our schedule. Successfully made all my ADRs for when I wanted, except for the elusive BOG because I showed up to that party 4 hours too late.

I have planned, what I believe to be a super fun trip, with the right balance of objectives and downtime. The right balance of RD, naps, early nights and late nights. The right balance between not expecting perfection from this trip, but trying to know where to find some fun if time and energy allows.

And now here comes this wildcard sauntering in, wondering at which resort we are staying.

DH doesn't understand. But I knew you all would.

So, I told Buddy when we were arriving, what we would be doing each day that is in his timeframe and haven't heard a thing back. DH also informed me that "Buddy wants to play golf" with DH. Grrrrrrr. DH golfs 2-3 times per week, he goes on golf trips with friends at least once, sometimes twice a year. Although my first reaction was "this is a family trip, not a golf trip", I managed to utter the words "well, it's your choice to do that. I envisioned this to be a family trip. But, if you want to golf, we can find time in the afternoon on Friday or Saturday. I hope you don't run late and miss our Chef Mickey reservation Friday at 5:35 or Ohana on Saturday night"

I wanted this trip to be just us. I knew that ILs wanted to come, so they are joining us 4 days after the trip starts, and I wanted those first 4 days to be just us. In general I have a very clear sense of boundaries and a good way of communicating them, so I'm not struggling there, just annoyed that one of our golden 4 days alone might be crashed by Buddy, his GF and her DD. My strategy will be to invite along to what we are doing, but not change plans around them. When I travel with people, I am a fan of separating at will with no hard feelings.

The average Disney vacationer wouldn't understand, but I knew my DIS crew would!

marriage is about compromise... It is your husbands vacation too, if he wants to play golf at one of Disney's world class courses, with a seldom seen buddy, let him...

marriage is also about communication, be honest with him, tell him how you feel, what you are worried about etc.

Disney is not going any where, so plan another trip!!! and your kids are young enough not to realize that they may have missed a certain ride, show, character etc.

I do sympathize with you though, I have to give up park days to go visit family while we are there (MY OWN no less) I would be kinda miffed if my DH wanted to go play golf, but then I would sit back and remind myself of how hard he works (especially this last year since I have been injured/unemployed) and let him enjoy himself.

chances are Buddy's GF might have other plans for him too!!! Don't sweat the small stuff, just go and have fun!!!

 

[Button]

You know we've sometimes considered asking other couples to come with us but to be honest it would not only drive me and DH mad but I really don't think anyone would actually understand how we do Disney and they would get so annoyed with us. We got married at Disney and spent a day with my family (first timers and very sceptical). I am not exaggerating it took them 1 hour to move from Big Thunder to Splash. I was so frustrated but family holiday wouldn't be the same without the odd nag and tantrum.

Don't stress why not suggest mini golf for you all to play. My DH takes that just as serious as proper round.

 

[valpss]

I can actually speak from experience on this...

We went back in June and even though DH and I had been before this was the first time for our two kids, DD5 & DS2. I knew before we went that DH was going to meet up with a couple of friends once we were down there to go play golf. I was not thrilled about him going but trying to be the good wife, I bit my tongue. Unfortunately, want was supposed to be just a round of golf turned into an all day thing! We left the resort at the same time, approx 9am...me taking our two kids to the parks and him off with the guys. Around 4-5pm when I hadn't heard anything from him all day I stated texting him about meeting up for dinner. Got a text back that he already eaten and they were hanging out having drinks! This was our very last day of our trip and we had planned to have a nice sit down dinner after a week of QS. He FINALLY met up with us around 8-9pm!!!!

So a simple game of golf turned into an ALL DAY event! Now he says that he was stuck because they were off property and his friend was driving, so he had no way to get back to us. I won't get into that excuse but even though it seemed simple enough and I was trying to let him have "his vacation" it really put a sour note to the end of our trip.

To the OP, I completely feel your pain! And if you do compromise and your DH does go golfing...really talk through plans and work out details of when/where you will meet up later. Learn from my mistake and don't just leave things up in the air!!

 

[dja14]

I over plan our trips too and my husband tunes me out (I really do understand that, it is a sickness) Our vacations are only every couple years and I consider it all the family together family time. (The only exception we ever made was we didn't make the boys go to the princess breakfast) I suppose if a college friend called (and we went to the same place so the chance is very very high it would be both our friend) and wanted to get together for a morning or afternoon then I would be like well, okay, since we probably hadn't seen them in years.

But I would draw the line at golf off on his own while the kids and I were off on our own, especially if the chance was very high he would miss dinner. Sorry, but they could meet up with us, eat a quick service lunch, etc.

We have done extended family vacations before and only one (out of 5) went even half way well and that was because we split up and only spent a bit of time together. It is not because I over plan (I held back on all those trips, I made plans but just did what everyone else wanted) It is because we spend all the time saying, well, what do you want to do? No, what do you want to do? SO no more. Someone can meet us for a bit but thats it, we just don't get enough vacations to do that.

I have to also say, in case my husband ever sees this, #1 he doesn't play golf and #2 on vacation he would never leave us to meet up with an old friend. Our families would get together or he would say next time. I would try and alter some plans (not adrs) to meet up with them, either in the parks or at the pool or a meal off site if we could, but not separated on a family vacation, especially when our kids were younger, it really took us both to deal. (For the princess breakfast, she and I went early and then went back and got them)

 

[Tinaphpc]

Thanks for this post guys I was going through the same thing.

 

[Sandi12404]

I'm really glad my husband doesn't golf and the only person we know in Florida is my brother and he's coming to Disney with us. My husband pretty much tunes me out when I start rambling on about planning. All he asks is that we go to Germany for dinner one night and that one day there will be nothing planned so he can lounge around the resort. Otherwise it's kind of like our wedding planning he just wants to know where he has to be and at what time. I feel for you though. I'm a planner and I have a hard time relaxing when something goes awry.

 

[Sugardimples]

I guess I'm in the minority here because this wouldn't bother me at all. And I would expect the same if I had something that I wanted to do on my own.

 

[marmalade]

I guess I'm in the minority here because this wouldn't bother me at all. And I would expect the same if I had something that I wanted to do on my own.

You're not alone, I was thinking the same thing. I also don't extreme plan my trips either. I would love to meet up with some friends while at Disney, and if DH wanted to go golfing that just means I get to do something I want while he has the kids. I don't even necessarily have to do something at Disney, it can be when I get home.

Trust me, this is your first trip, it won't be your last.

 

[Bob NC]

But I would draw the line at golf off on his own

I can't imagine that.

Would that just be a "NO"?

Maybe you could offer up a "Better luck next time."

 

[runsandjumps]

I think I can understand. See the thing for me in that we plan these trips for family time. If I had planned things to perfection I don't think it would be pretty. I say this as a spouse of someone who is on a vacation in another country at the moment. I don't care for interruptions when I am on a roll. If he wanted to stay an extra day more than us that would be more to my liking.

 

[t_daniels]

I think some of you guys are over reacting.

We don't have all the details.

If my DH had me plan our trip...I spent lots of time perfecting plans....without any offered input....and then he told me of his friend....

I'd be upset.

And yes, maybe they'll go again. But, Disney isn't cheap. Some people only get the one shot..:/

 

[DisneyGal24]

I completely understand what OP is saying about it being a family trip. My sister has been practically begging to go to Disney with us but DH and I want it to be just our family (us, dd and ds). Now his brother's family has decided to go at the exact same time we are going next year. I feel like they are trying to hijack our vacation. I know it's a free world and they can do whatever they want. We have actually vacationed with them elsewhere before and it was a total nightmare. Anyway, I am sticking to my guns and we aren't doing a thing together. If we happen to run into them at a park that's fine but we are keeping this as a vacation for just our family! Rant over!

 

[cinderellamom123]

I feel your pain. I would be ticked off. If they do have to meet up I would try to do it late in the afternoon. Maybe you could go all to the park in the morning and mid afternoon come home early to swim with the kids while he did his thing. I agree with the previous poster that sometimes guys loose track of time and what is supposed to be a couple of hours turns into a lost day. Better yet, have them meet for drinks after you and your family have dinner. Maybe if you break down how much that day is actually costing you (total cost / days) he will change his mind. After all spending $500 a day for a family trip isn't too bad but when you are splitting up and not spending it as a family it kind of defeats the purpose.

 

[dja14]

I can't imagine that.

Would that just be a "NO"?

Maybe you could offer up a "Better luck next time."

We've been married 21 years so it would be more like "We decided this trip was for family time, what is the FAMILY going to do while you are playing golf? If you want to take us all to play golf then okay." I'm not the kind to through a huge screaming fit, but then I wouldn't have too for my husband to know what I meant.

That is why I said I would try and do something else everyone could do together, putt putt, dinner somewhere I didn't have to change adrs for, or playing in the pool. I am not saying I wouldn't want us to see friends but no way I am messing up the only vacation we get. I would rather my husband make a trip at a different time to just play golf (which the OP says her husband does already) I don't think when you have small kids it is unreasonable to expect both parents to help or for the one left behind to be upset.

When we are at home then that is completely different and of course we both go out with our friends sometimes.