Only Child...input needed.

[AustinTink]

As a teacher...in most instances in my classroom (and I teach over 500 kids weekly at my school)...those with siblings get along better with other kids, can let things roll of their backs more easily, are less shy/stressed out, and are more enthusiastic in general.

Wow, my only child has all those positive qualities and many, many more. Way to generalize.

 

[Skywalker]

My best friend growing up was an only child, and everyone in the neighborhood felt vaguely sorry for her. It was good for me though, because I got to go on a lot of cool trips and adventures with them as the "invite a friend" so she wouldn't be "alone" for rides, etc . lol. We got along great and she would sometimes introduce me as her sister, or want to pretend we were sisters to people we didn't know.

We grew apart after high school, but I have to say, she ALWAYS said she would never have an only child. I wonder if she stuck to that.

 

[carrie1626]

I am an only child. I hated it, hated it, hated it. I was alone with adults a lot. Vacations were usually just me and my parents. I vowed to never have only one. We have 3.

More of a spit fire? No. I think she will learn it isn't all about her in the long run.

I never debated a #2. I knew we had to have at least 2 children.

Dawn

I was an only the first 10 1/2 yrs of my life. I too HATED it. Lucky for me I had cousins around. My sister and I are close.
As we aged, cousins don't see each other often.
I have 2. I very much regret we didn't try for 3rd.

 

[mefordis]

Please don't feel guilty. He gets to experience all of the attention and never has to compete with anyone else. You also don't have to deal with fighting. I have daughters who fight all the time. It drives me batty!

I have read only children tend to have more friends because they are more inclined to be social. (This is contrary to some of the other posts but this is what I have read and observed with other kids).

Plus, you seem like a great mom so that is a HUGE bonus for your boy.

We have an only child, partly by choice and partly not.

I always only wanted one and after a pretty terrible labour and delivery I was even more sure. When our son was a year, we started talking about a second and had decided to shelve the convo and look at it more when he was two years old.

Then, when he was 17 months old, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and the result of all of it is that I can't have any more children.

Had this not happened, I am pretty sure we would have had a second.

I feel bad for our son, he is 8 now and for the last year or so he has been talking about how sad it is that he does not have a brother or sister and he won't ever have one. But then I remind him that if he had a sibling, we would not be able to visit Disneyland as often as we do!

All joking aside, while I am mostly at peace with only having our son, there is a small part that feels terribly guilty that I can't give him the sibling he wants.

 

[leebee]

I am the oldest of 4; we were born over a 10 year time span. I love my brother and sisters, but they each have brought their stress and drama into our relationships over the years. Nothing permanent, but at any given time I have had a sib who has stopped talking to the rest of us for months on end, or longer. (I, in retrospect, am perfect and I'm sure none of them would complain about me... they wouldn't dare! ). DH is #5 of 7 kids, youngest of the four boys, and the stories are legend! They all get along well now as adults, but were contentious as kids, to say the least. I am sure his parents' divorce when DH was 14 didn't help, but these are kids who fought with each other long and hard, and bloodshed wasn't uncommon. (Neither were threats to hang the kitten (literally) if sibling X didn't do what sibling Y wanted.) My MIL did the best she could, raising 7 kids, working full time, and dealing with a philandering husband.

Our DD is an only. I had her when I was 37, and it was a hard labor and delivery, and ended up with a 43 week pregnancy, a broken pelvis, and a post-partum infection that almost killed me. Needless to say, I wasn't interested in "trying again" right away. However, when DD was 4, I was pregnant again. I just couldn't believe it. I wasn't thrilled at all- more like in shock. I didn't want to have another child. It wasn't fear of another god-awful pregnancy or anything like that; I just knew I didn't want another child. One is a good number for me. Of course, the OB/GYN office was packed with patients, and I couldn't get a first appointment until I was 6 weeks along. However, the morning I was supposed to go for the first U/S, I miscarried. People are always shocked when I say this, but it really didn't bother me. I knew I didn't want to have another child. Don't get me wrong, I am sure I would have fallen in love with the new baby and raised him/her with endless love, but I just knew that one child was all I really wanted to have in my family.

DD20 (WOW how'd THAT happen?) is now a junior in college, dean's list student, VP of her sorority, teaches 5 dance classes a week, and dances with two ballet companies as a soloist in one and a demi-soloist in the other, so I don't think being an only has left her shy or introverted, or spoiled (can't work your way up through a ballet corps as a high schooler if you are self-centered!. Growing up she went through periods of wishing she had a sibling, but she says it was always more in passing and never really bothered her that much. She was often horrified by the mess and confusion in the homes of friends where there were 4 or 5 kids and admits that she was often happy to return to the peace and orderliness of our home. DD went on many trips with us and enjoys my company. In fact, we always offered to take friends to Disney with us, but usually DD turned us down; she was always disappointed when her friends would come with us, thinking "vacation" meant "laze by the pool all day and eat junk food." Several of those vacations weren't much fun.

Oddly enough, in the past few months I have found myself wondering about whether we should have had that second child. Maybe it's easier to consider, knowing that that ship has sailed, and I'm guessing that it's because DD is really away at school and we don't see much of her this year (college is in the town we live in). I don't know... but I don't dwell on it, and don't regret the decisions we made. It worked for all three of us!

 

[ilovefh]

What a timely thread! Thanks for posting this, OP. DH and I are having the same discussion.

He is an only and before we had DS he only wanted one. Then his dad passed away (mom is not in the picture) and he had to deal with everything himself, which he didn't like. Then in the aftermath he had a hard time with the realization that he was alone.

He's very close to my family so his dad's death prompted him to want to move back to NH because we live in FL.

I've always wanted two but we've been trying since last fall to have a second but it just hasn't happened yet.

We've stopped for now because we want to move to NH in June. I'm hoping to find a teaching job so I don't want to be due at the beginning of the school year and if I do get a job I won't have insurance for two months and I'm not delivering a baby with no insurance!

We said we'd start trying again next fall but the year wait seems so long. I'm afraid we'll keep putting it off and if won't happen. I'm going to be 33 in a few weeks and DH is already 40. I'm concerned because at one point he said he didn't want to be 45 and having another baby so I started thinking about what it would be like to just have one.

It's been interesting to read all the replies! Thank everyone!

 

[CanBeGrumpy]

I have to say that probably the greatest joy for me as a parent is watching my two kids interact with each other. They are now teens, and they are very different people so I wouldn't exactly call them "best friends", but I know they love each other and I get a lot of pleasure out of watching them forge their relationship. My younger son was making a birthday card for his brother and he asked me "Should I sign it "love"?", and I nearly teared up at the thought that he truly does love his brother even though they are so different.

With that said, there was a time when they were at each others' throats (well, actually the younger one was constantly harassing the older one!) and I wondered if I would survive their childhood! Luckily, it was only for a few years ("only"--ha ha--it felt like forever!). I am so glad I have two kids. I always thought I would have 3, and every now and then I wonder what it would have been like with a third, but all in all I am content with two. The major bonus with only having two is that I have been able to avoid driving a mini-van!

Good luck with your decision! Things will be fine no matter what you decide.

 

[Pre]

I'm an only child. And I love it. I was blessed to be able to do a lot of things that, if I had siblings, my parents could not have afforded. One was I went to private catholic school k-12 grade. As well as my parents were able to save a Huge chunk for my college education. They both have said if they had had more kids then I would have had to pay for college by myself.
Growing up was a little different because i was around my cousins often for birthdays holidays etc. and they were often jealous of what my parents could provide because I was an only child, and treated me that way. But we grew up and I am very close to all of them as an adult.

 

[SC Minnie]

DD is an only. She was born with a birth defect that required several surgeries her first few years. By the time she was 3.5 she was done with surgery for a few years and we were getting ready to move. DH talked about having another then- no need moving all this baby stuff if we weren't going to use it. We decided one was enough. Neither really wanted to go back to the baby stage. To be honest we haven't regretted it.

DD used to asked for a brother or sister. When she was about 6 I took her to the beach with a friend of mine and her 2 kids- 5 and 3. On the way home after that weekend DD told me she didn't want a brother or sister anymore.

Having an only has allowed DD to go more places that we wouldn't have been able to afford with multiple children. She I now in college and should be able to graduate with no loans since we were able to started saving when she was very young.

And by the way, DH came from a large family, 7 children, and wanted at least 3 kids when we first got married.

 

[Mousemommy1]

I have one sister who I have never been close with (and I'm still not close with her). We are 3 years apart.

DH is an only child. Very well adjusted and an awesome person!

We have been together for almost 20 years (married for 11.5) and "when we were kids" (15 and 16) and up through college we said we wanted 4 kids....

Well, I had our first at age 25 and she was perfect in every way, and I just really worried about "rocking the boat" with having another, so I hemmed and hawed about it a lot. DH was ready when our oldest was about 1. So, finally, when our oldest was about 20 months old, I decided I was ready...and BOOM, got pregnant on the first try!!! That was shocking because it took us 7 months to conceive our first, and I was just expecting that again.

So, our girls are 2.5 years apart and are best friends. They fight though too! (like only sisters can), but we are so happy to have them both. Our youngest is a firecracker for sure!!!

We have even talked about a 3rd, but we are 35 and 36 now, and quite honestly I think I now have fertility issues? We have not used birth control since 2008 and no pregnancies, so we are just kind of like, if it happens it happens, but we are very happy with our two girls, and glad we didn't stick with an only.

 

[luvsJack]

I have 3 children--my sons are 2.5 years a part, dd is 14 years younger than her youngest brother. So, I sort of ended up with an "only w/siblings"!

Going from one child that was 2 to a toddler and a infant just wasn't that hard to me. Maybe the oldest being that young made a difference.

When dd came along, her brothers were in all sorts of activities and sports. We just packed up the playpen, toys, and all the rest and set up camp at the baseball field or where ever. So, even then I didn't find it harder.

I used to be afraid that she would never really know her brothers but I couldn't have been more wrong. All three are very close.

OP, you and your dh have to make the decision. Its not about how hard it is (obviously everyone has different experiences) or if they will be close. Some siblings get along great and can assist each other in taking care of an aging parent, some will fight all the time and be resentful. All of those things are dependent on the personality of the children not on how many siblings there are.

 

[WDWJDS]

I know a couple of families that probably should have stopped at one. It is so obvious that they adore one child and just tolerate the other child, for whatever reason. Their favoritism is quite apparent.

A very good friend of mine admitted that if she had delivered her children in reverse order, she would have stopped with one. She worships her daughter and constantly compares her son and daughter, finding much frustration with her son. I feel so sorry for him.

People probably don't readily admit that if they could turn back time, they would choose to not have a second or third child. But I don't doubt that there are many people out there who feel that exact same way.

 

[PollyannaMom]

1- If you only have one child, why did you decide to (assuming you had the choice which I know is not always the case)? How is it raising your only?

I have an only. Officially, we didn't try for another because of a medical issue (with me) that we only found out about after I was already expecting DS. We might have been able to have another, but it was kind of risky, and we just decided to look on the bright side of having one.

One turned out to be right for our family. We've been able to give DS opportunities that we wouldn't have been able to afford if we had more. I've never had to decide between the equally important needs of two or more children, when those needs conflicted with each other. I am also very much an introvert, and cannot imagine never being able to take a breath in the social atmosphere of a large family.

DS has close cousins, including a boy only a year behind him in school, and two girls just a couple of years ahead. They live near enough that he gets to spend a lot of time with them.

2- If YOU are an only child, how was your life affected both as a kid and as an adult? (This is one thing I struggle with...DD being alone as she gets older and we do as well...)

I'm not an only, but neither DH nor I wanted to duplicate our own sibling numbers. I grew up as one of two, which I found competitive at the time, though we get along well now. DH grew up as one of three, and felt someone was always left out. (Ironically, neither of us were the "victims" of these set-ups, but we still didn't like them.) We knew four was too much for either of us, so one made sense.

3- If you have more than one child, did you ever have this issue, debating #2? How did you handle it?

This one doesn't match my own situation. But in general, I really think both parents have to be ready. I know people who split up after having a "surprise" that one wanted and the other wasn't ready for. If your marriage is already not quite where you want it to be, then I don't think it's fair to the child you already have to risk it.

And you can always add another child later (even much later by adopting an older one) but you can't undo having one. The less permanent decision is "no, at least for now".

4- Is more harder than just one? We have our hands full with DD, she's a spitfire that's for sure. DH is concerned that having #2 will not help and possibly cause DD to be "worse" (I hate that word but for lack of better...)

I definitely think it's harder. I have friends who are constantly on the go with their various children's activities. They are amazed at (what I consider little) things I do with or for DS, because they just don't have any time.

5- What's the age difference between your children along with the pros & cons?!

Since I have no age difference to tell about, I'll use this space to say my DS does not fit the type-cast of an only. He's actually very social - because he had to go and make friends in order to find someone to play with. He "reads" people far better than I do, and is extremely compassionate. I've always thought he was more willing to share than kids I know with siblings, precisely because he didn't have to do it all the time.

 

[2disneyboys]

Dh and I oth are from large families and we both all along have wanted 2 ( I always joke that's how many hands I have so how many kids I want). Turns out we had fertility issues and it took a lot of $ and effort to get our two boys, who are the light of our life.

I don't believe in stereotypes. I have known too many families with large # of children families an one children families and everything in between and know that each child is a product of genetics and environment and not #

OP. This is an important choice and don't make it lightly. 1 child or 20 children. The work and the money and the love will work out. You could get children that get along or don't. Outgoing or shy. Good luck!

 

[pigletgirl]

You know this is such a personal decision. There are days where I say, ok DD is going to be our only child but then on other days I think, I want her to have siblings. She's only 4 months old so we aren't thinking about another one in the very near future. We both come from large families and I'm not sure if I want that many. We'll see what God blesses us with!

 

[mickeyboat]

We have two DDs who were born less than a year apart. We knew we wanted more than one child, but didn't expect #2 to come along so soon.

We never looked at it in terms of giving DD#1 a sibling. We looked at it in terms of having the family that we always wanted. Yes, I had some reservations while I was pregnant. And I wondered how hard the decision to have a second child would have been if it had not been made for us. But it all worked out, and we are very happy with our family.

 

[cleverclovers]

My only child is now 28. I divorced her father when she was a pre-schooler. Since she was an only child, I was able to do more activities with her than if I'd had to budget both time and money for two children. Disney trips, 4H, Band, Choir and other things would have been out of the question. As for playmates - cousins, school friends, etc. Before you have a second baby, stop and really examine WHY you want another child. Will you be able/willing to offer equal time, opportunities and most important of all - LOVE to each?