Only Child & Dealing with Holiday Guilt

[DisneyBeagle]

For those of you that are an only child or your significant other is an only child, how do you deal with holidays?

My husband is an only child and his mom doesn't really have any other family members except for a couple of nieces that contact her a couple times a year. When it comes time for holidays we are always torn on how to spend our time. We invite MIL along with my family when we are having the celebrations in our town, but when we travel to visit my family (about 2 hours away) she doesn't want to go along. We feel bad leaving her alone, but there are times that we want to go other places for holidays. We have talked about going to Disney for Thanksgiving or Christmas, but then we think about her being home alone and always change our plans.

 

[Mary•Poppins]

I am in this situation with my family. I am not an only child, but my sister lives in England and my brother is about 2 hours away. Since he has no children, he tends to "do as he pleases".

I have told my parents early about the holidays we plan on celebrating with them ... however, as bad as I feel sometimes, I have to do what is right for my family. My children will be growing up and leaving our house in a few years and I cherish the time that we spend as a family together (just us). Since we do celebrate some holidays together, I feel that we make an effort for my parents. My husband also stresses that my parents DO have other options ... they can go out to dinner or visit one of their siblings in the area, etc. ...

I hope this helps. You seem like such a kind and caring person ... but realize that your family needs are important too.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If you REALLY feel the need to celebrate the holiday with her and you know you are going out of town, you can always do something with her before or afterwards.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

I am an only child and we always spent the holiday with my mom and sometimes my cousin, because DH's family is so far away. Now my mom is gone, so we just spend our holidays by ourselves. I DO NOT FLY and have no need to go see DH's family.

Suzanne

 

[horseshowmom]

For those of you that are an only child or your significant other is an only child, how do you deal with holidays?

My husband is an only child and his mom doesn't really have any other family members except for a couple of nieces that contact her a couple times a year. When it comes time for holidays we are always torn on how to spend our time. We invite MIL along with my family when we are having the celebrations in our town, but when we travel to visit my family (about 2 hours away) she doesn't want to go along. We feel bad leaving her alone, but there are times that we want to go other places for holidays. We have talked about going to Disney for Thanksgiving or Christmas, but then we think about her being home alone and always change our plans.

My daughter is an only child. My case is a little different than what you mention because my husband and I do have each other too, but if it were just me, I would work around the holidays just like we do now. I wouldn't expect DD and her new husband to make me the main focus of planning their holidays. As another poster mentioned, activities don't always have to take place on the exact day of the holiday - just work around it. That said, I know that all relatives are open to being flexible.

 

[RadioNate]

Yeah, I don't know what to tell you.

I'm the only child of a divorced only child and it is rough. My mom gets VERY upset if we do the holidays without her. Doing it a weekend before/after does not cut it with her.

She refuses to go to my inlaws so basically I just deal with her being mad at me if it is a year that we are going to my inlaws.

This year, I've given up. I will not travel for holidays, period. You may come to my house but I'm not going anywhere!

I've given up on going anywhere with just DH, the kids and I because I know how upset my mom would be. She'd either have to come along or we couldn't go.

 

[DisneyBeagle]

If you REALLY feel the need to celebrate the holiday with her and you know you are going out of town, you can always do something with her before or afterwards.

My daughter is an only child. My case is a little different than what you mention because my husband and I do have each other too, but if it were just me, I would work around the holidays just like we do now. I wouldn't expect DD and her new husband to make me the main focus of planning their holidays. As another poster mentioned, activities don't always have to take place on the exact day of the holiday - just work around it. That said, I know that all relatives are open to being flexible.

We have celebrated holidays at a different time when we aren't going to be around. I just feel horrible thinking about her sitting all alone on Thanksgiving or Christmas. If she had a husband, partner or a sibling to spend the holidays with it would be different. I need to learn to get over the guilt.

 

[Nancyg56]

I have more than one child but as a parent I would want my child to do what works for her family. If your Mom does not care to join you on Holidays when you travel I would do as others have suggested, celebrate early. This is a good reason for you all to try to help your MIL branch out a little. I have invited elderly friends to my home when they were gooing to be alone and after a while they accompanied us to my family as well. You see, they became part of the family and found that they were expected to attend any gatherings one of us had. These people were all clients of mine when i had a small cleaning business. You never know when you will meet people who change your lives and these wonderful people changed ours. Family is not limited to blood relations so perhaps you have friends who would enjoy MIL's company.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We have celebrated holidays at a different time when we aren't going to be around. I just feel horrible thinking about her sitting all alone on Thanksgiving or Christmas. If she had a husband, partner or a sibling to spend the holidays with it would be different. I need to learn to get over the guilt.

Why?

This sounds like it is about you and not her. Are you going to be a parent that demands family see you ON THE DAY or it does not count?

It is not about "the day". I don't understand how people get wrapped up in that notion.

 

[eliza61]

Why?

This sounds like it is about you and not her. Are you going to be a parent that demands family see you ON THE DAY or it does not count?

It is not about "the day". I don't understand how people get wrapped up in that notion.

Also, OP ask mom how she feels about it. My dh's parents are divorced and originally from Europe. He use to feel bad about his mom being alone during the holidays until we found out she actually wasn't all that "alone" she was quite active and after 40 years of doing most of the work for big holiday dinners etc, she was quite happy to finally be able to not do it. We were the ones out of some sense of guilt dragging her to all kinds of family affairs.



simply ask her if she has any plans and tell her what you plan on doing. She may be totally cool with not seeing you on Easter (or whatever holiday)

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yep, been there - done that....

EXACT same scenario...

My inlaws were very demanding...
Every weekend, Every holiday, Every 'everything'....

If it were up to them, we would never had hardly seen my family at all.

They are the most narcissistic, controlling, selfish, people that I have ever met in my entire life...

Now, it is just MIL, since FIL passed away...

DH continues to feel just as you do...
He doesn't really admit to the 'guilt' that women know all so well.
But, believe me...
It is expected that we are always, always, there - spending time with his mother. (who, as most people like this - never seem to develop their own friends and their own lives... nobody else comes around anymore...)

This 'commitment' has had a real and untold effect on our efforts to develop and lead our own life.. on our marriage, etc...

Yep, been there, done that, and yes, the guilt kind of sucks...
But, realize that it is what it is...
YOU and YOUR immediate family have to come first sometimes...
Learn to take that guilt and keep it in its place...

Nobody should have the burden of being responsible for another person's happiness. That isn't fair... Too bad that parents/inlaws like this don't see it that way.

Always remember, it is THEIR problem, not yours...

My thoughts... If I wanted to go to WDW for Easter/Spring Break, or any other holiday...
We would do it in a heartbeat...
I am not one who wants to travel over holidays... but if I were... I would do it without a second thought.
I learned a long time ago that it is not a good or healthy situation to let parents/inlaws have such control/influence over ones life.

 

[DisneyBeagle]

Why?

This sounds like it is about you and not her. Are you going to be a parent that demands family see you ON THE DAY or it does not count?

It is not about "the day". I don't understand how people get wrapped up in that notion.

You're right!! It is more about me getting over my feelings of guilt that it is about her.

I don't have children, so I don't think I'll have to worry about this in the future. I have tried to think about it from the parent's perspective. If I had children and they wanted or needed to be elsewhere on a holiday, it would be fine with me. I would never want anyone spending time with me out of guilt. Plus, I also love nothing more than to spend holidays at home alone or just w/ the hubby. We were both sick this year for Thanksgiving and we had a blast without dealing with the family drama.

It's not about "the day" to me, but I know it is to her. When you tell her we are going to be elsewhere on a holiday she mutters a sad "oh". She'll also mention every now and then that she doesn't know how many more holidays she'll be around for.

The really weird thing about all of my guilt is that I don't even really like my MIL all that much. She is a decent person, but we've just never really hit it off. I care for because she raised my husband and he is a wonderful man, but she's done some things to him and to me that I'm never going to forget.

 

[Wishing on a star]

When you tell her we are going to be elsewhere on a holiday she mutters a sad "oh". She'll also mention every now and then that she doesn't know how many more holidays she'll be around for.

WOW, that is all I need to hear...
She is a MASTER of guilt and manipulation!!!!

Don't give her that power.

You are right...
This is now about YOU and how you handle it...

Just don't give her that power.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You're right!! It is more about me getting over my feelings of guilt that it is about her.

I don't have children, so I don't think I'll have to worry about this in the future. I have tried to think about it from the parent's perspective. If I had children and they wanted or needed to be elsewhere on a holiday, it would be fine with me. I would never want anyone spending time with me out of guilt. Plus, I also love nothing more than to spend holidays at home alone or just w/ the hubby. We were both sick this year for Thanksgiving and we had a blast without dealing with the family drama.

It's not about "the day" to me, but I know it is to her. When you tell her we are going to be elsewhere on a holiday she mutters a sad "oh". She'll also mention every now and then that she doesn't know how many more holidays she'll be around for.

The really weird thing about all of my guilt is that I don't even really like my MIL all that much. She is a decent person, but we've just never really hit it off. I care for because she raised my husband and he is a wonderful man, but she's done some things to him and to me that I'm never going to forget.

Ah-ha, I knew it.

You sound like a caring person and do what you can to accomodate her needs. STOP FEELING GUILTY! You go above and beyond your call of duty. You invited her to go with your family (which is above) and she declined.

 

[SpecialK]

I was in the same position. My mom died when I was in college and my two sisters did not get along well with my father. My husband has four siblings and, until recently, both parents.

We spent most holidays with my family so my dad wouldn't be alone. Did we always want to? No. But now that my dad is gone, I'm happy that we planned with him in mind and I appreciate my husband's understanding more than I can express.

Sometimes you just bite the bullet and do for family. Psycho-babble is not the answer for everything.

 

[DisneyBeagle]

I was in the same position. My mom died when I was in college and my two sisters did not get along well with my father. My husband has four siblings and, until recently, both parents.

We spent most holidays with my family so my dad wouldn't be alone. Did we always want to? No. But now that my dad is gone, I'm happy that we planned with him in mind and I appreciate my husband's understanding more than I can express.

Sometimes you just bite the bullet and do for family. Psycho-babble is not the answer for everything.

I can appreciate what you are saying, but I'm not willing to give up every (or almost every) holiday with my family so that my MIL isn't alone. My husband and I both really enjoy spending time with my family. We will continue to invite her holiday celebrations when it makes sense and also spend some holidays with her, but I'm going to really try to quit stressing over things.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think you do your best, OP, and spend holidays as fairly with both sides of the family as you can.

My in-laws are passed away. I loved them dearly, we had a very good relationship and it was never an issue to spend time with them. DH & I did every other holiday alternating with my side and his, and sometimes we had the holiday at our house and everyone came here. My late DMIL could be a bit "firm" in her opinions about the holidays, but thankfully my DH always stood with me and she understood that sometimes we wouldn't be there. So, in general, it was all good.

Now his parents are gone. My parents are still alive, but elderly so I am now in the years of not knowing how much longer I will have them. These last few years, I have been doing Thanksgiving for both sides of the family. DH's sister has Christmas Eve, and invites my parents. Then we usually go to my brother's on Christmas Day, DH's sister has her children and DH's single aunt, New Years Eve we go to DH's sister, the last few Easters I have worked so my parents have gone to my brother's and DH & I have gone to his sister's later when I get out of work. This year, DH's sister and BIL went to South Carolina to spend Easter with my niece & her husband (their DD and DSonIL) who just got married, I don't have to work, so we are going to my brother's and taking my parents along. I am sure that when my parents are gone, our holiday celebrating will change, as I don't think my brother or I will be fixated on being together ON the holiday day...seeing each other during the holidaytime will be important.

So, the key is flexibility around the holidays and not getting too crazed...

 

[MickeySP]

Okay but does your family make her welcome? I am a single Mom of an only son and every holiday his GF(they live together) has insisted it be at her families house. They do have a child.

So I get 15 minutes with them unless I go to her families house and I have to tell you they make me feel like an appendage. I have now stopped communicating with her & her mother altogether.

My DGD bday is this weekend, I have a huge house and plenty of room, her family is in a condo. So guess where they are cramming 20 people.

Slowly but surely I am losing my DS & DGD no matter how much I try to stay in contact. BTW I live closer to them than her, I have helped them more financially than her family, been there in every crisis when her family tells them to pound sand.

So think about how your his Mom feels being on the outside looking in. Think how you want to be treated if this happens to you.

 

[Forevryoung]

Forget about HOLIDAY guilt, I'm not even married to DBF and I already have VACATION guilt (he's an only child to a single mother who's been a single mother forever)

DBF's mom wants to go on vacation with DBF and me (she doesn't have any other travel partners). However, DBF and I will have exactly 1 week off together from now until Christmas because of our crazy work schedules. And I want to go away just the two of us.

DBF agrees with me that if we had 2 different vacation weeks, we would plan 2 trips (one with her and one without her) but we are feeling very very very guilty saying "no, you can't come with us" to his mom.

As of right now, we are trying to figure out a split vacation where she can join us for half and we can still get a few days of alone time. But it's getting way too stressful trying to figure it out.

 

[DisneyBeagle]

Okay but does your family make her welcome? I am a single Mom of an only son and every holiday his GF(they live together) has insisted it be at her families house. They do have a child.

So I get 15 minutes with them unless I go to her families house and I have to tell you they make me feel like an appendage. I have now stopped communicating with her & her mother altogether.

My DGD bday is this weekend, I have a huge house and plenty of room, her family is in a condo. So guess where they are cramming 20 people.

Slowly but surely I am losing my DS & DGD no matter how much I try to stay in contact. BTW I live closer to them than her, I have helped them more financially than her family, been there in every crisis when her family tells them to pound sand.

So think about how your his Mom feels being on the outside looking in. Think how you want to be treated if this happens to you.

I'm sorry to hear about the problems you are having.

My family has been very welcoming to MIL. She has even mentioned that she feels like she has family again when she's around them. Everything is fine when my parents travel to my city to celebrate holidays because MIL lives near us. The problem arises when we go to my parent's house because MIL doesn't like to travel.