Online dating sites...is it just me or are they an ego killer??

[Jeanne B]

Ok, I've been separated for 8 months now (in the process of a divorce) and I've been on a couple dating websites over the months just to test the waters a little and see what's out there but I think I've given up, lol...I'm by no means beautiful but I would consider myself an average, somewhat attractive woman but the only men that ever contact me are NOT men I would go out on a date with, am I the only woman with this problem? I don't mean to sound shallow here but I'm starting to think I'm a lot less attractive than I thought I was!!

And yes, I know I could just as easily do the contacting but I'm a little hesitant about the whole thing so I haven't been really proactive but I always find myself wondering if most people do what I do, just look at pictures and profiles, see who's viewed their own profile, and that's as far as it goes (at least that's what I'm hoping!!).

 

[apirateslifeforme]

I have to tell you, I felt this way at first myself! I spent a few months on Yahoo Personals and a few other sites, and I pretty much didn't get any contact except "icebreaker" messages (from a list) and winks and stuff.

EHarmony was the magic site. On July 28, 2008, I spent the afternoon filling out the questionnaire, putting up photos, answering the profile questions...I got a couple of communications from the many, many matches I got, but on August 12, I got my first set of questions from Jason. As soon as I saw his photo and read his profile, I was immediately drawn to him. I can't explain it. I answered right away...we spent the next few months going through the "guided communication," then we emailed for a month or two and finally met for coffee just before Thanksgiving.

Well...now we're talking about getting married and having a baby already! I have to say, I didn't think it was going to work...I wasn't even that interested in finding a boyfriend...but I did! He is the perfect man for me...I'm truly amazed...

The only bad part is that we both paid for an entire year (he signed up around the same time I did). Too bad we couldn't get refunds for the 11 1/2 months that we pretty much wasted!

 

[Jeanne B]

Thanks for the response. Congratulations, I'm glad it worked out for you eventually!! At least it gives me some hope, lol, but I'm thinking the % of people who actually find a meaningful relationship on these dating sites is very low, but I know it does work out for some people and that's great!!

I've been dating a guy for a while now but not really seriously, we were both fresh out of long marriages and agreed to date other people because we didn't want to get too serious with the first person we met but I've almost given up on the online thing, I guess in part just because it feels kind of wierd, like being at the mall shopping for clothes, but instead you're shopping for men. And I guess being a woman I feel a little vulnerable, a guy may look very nice in his photos and say all the right things in his profile but ultimately he's a stranger so trust is part of it too.

 

[Evil Genius]

You really have to be the one to do the contacting. Just like real life guys are clueless and are just as nervous about it as we are.

 

[ZachnElli]

My brother does the online dating too and I think he mostly goes out with women who contact him. He's had several girlfriends that he met that way that lasted several months, but nothing long term yet (he's divorced w/ 3 kids and still pretty bitter about the divorce). He's dating a nurse he met when he had a mole removed a month or so ago now. His best friend just got engaged to a woman he met on an online site, btw. His best friend had the same situation as my brother, just a year earlier (split up from ex-wife in 2005). So, I think you have to be ready for the serious relationship. I think it's hard to jump from marriage and divorce to dating so quickly. At least in the case of my brother and his best friend.

 

[Nom]

I am also on eharmony and for me, it is the only site that would work. What site are you on? What I like about eharmony is that first off all it only sets you up with people who are similar to you, so it narrows the playing field in that way. Then, when you see someone you like, rather than having to jump right into sending an email, you do this thing called 'guided communication' where you send questions back and forth a few times (I won't get into the details)- but it is nice, it makes it much less intimidating to approach someone IMO- you don't have to come up with some snappy line.

I have been on since Jan 1, and have had a TON of dates, a two month relationship that I ended, and a 4 month relationship that he ended (committment issues ), and now I have had two dates with a new guy that I really like (we'll see where it goes!) I would highly recommend it. I think what really works for me is that anyone and everyone that catches my eye I contact. On eharmony, contact is just hitting a button and you send your first set of questions. So it increases your chance for replies, and it's not hard or time consuming.

I am also freshly divorced, so I relate to how hard it can be to get back into the dating pool! Good luck and feel free to pm me!

 

[MJMouse]

I second the vote for eHarmony. Met my fiance using the site and we really are perfect for each other. That said, I was on there for 9 months before we met, and I was matched with a lot of frogs before finding my prince.

I dated (first dates... some seconds... some thirds) about 15 of my matches over that time. But was matched with well over 1000 men. Some I contacted, some contacted me, some were just deleted as I saw something I didn't think would work in thier profie. I liked it because they do the matching... your profile isn't searchable by the world. I didn't like it because a large percentage of those they match you with are non-paying members and even if you try to contact them, they can't contact you back unless they pay.

You really have to be the one to do the contacting. Just like real life guys are clueless and are just as nervous about it as we are.

I totally agree. The notion that the man should make the first move will not work in the world of online dating. If you see someone who intrests you, make the first attempt at communication. You can always let them suggest the first date.

Good luck!! And if you do decide to go out with one of these guys, make sure you are safe... get contact information and give it to a good friend. Make sure that friend knows when to expect you home!!

 

[frndshpcptn]

I'm currently navigating this as well.

It definitely has its ups and downs. Some of the people who've contacted me just really aren't my type - some others that I thought were cute and whose profile I viewed (then they viewed me back) haven't emailed.

Then I think - well, I thought this one guy was cute and we had a lot in common. I've vieweed his profile twice and have been composing an email for the past two days that I'm too nervous to send.

Maybe he's the same way? I keep thinking all the guys on there must be brave / bold and not at all nervous to email / reach out.

Maybe that's not so true.

so I am hoping to finish up the email (which is only a few sentences!) and be brave enough (after a glass or two of wine) to send it tonight.

And I'm just out of a long term (7 year) relationship so DEFINITELY out of the loop on this whole dating thing. I did chat with one guy, who then asked if he could call me that night to talk more and I balked - I got nervous and panicked over the the whole pressure of chatting over the phone.

 

[wvjules]

Only separated for 8 months? Not divorced yet? How about you get to know "you" first then start dating.

Does your profile say single or married?

 

[Nom]

I did chat with one guy, who then asked if he could call me that night to talk more and I balked - I got nervous and panicked over the the whole pressure of chatting over the phone.

I can totally relate to that! I was married for 12 years, and the thought of talking to a guy on the phone was so daunting- I was thinking "people talk on the phone?!?! About what?!?!?" But I have never had an awkward phone call- you always have something to talk about. Once you're talking, it just kind or rolls- trust me! You just have to jump in and just have the first call. Do it! (and a glass of wine can def help the first time- just not too many!! )

 

[Nom]

Only separated for 8 months? Not divorced yet? How about you get to know "you" first then start dating.

Does your profile say single or married?

I have to admit, a part of me is thinking this, too. I did join eharmony before my divorce was final, and it was not a good decision in hindsight. I did need time for me first- so I took a bit of a break for a couple of months. Honestly, I probably should take even more of a break- but at this point it's paid for, so I am still on!

But I agree with this poster... although in a less harsh way. Be sure you don't get too caught up in finding someone, and don't take the time you need to find yourself. Easier said than done, I know through personal experience!

 

[frndshpcptn]

I can totally relate to that! I was married for 12 years, and the thought of talking to a guy on the phone was so daunting- I was thinking "people talk on the phone?!?! About what?!?!?" But I have never had an awkward phone call- you always have something to talk about. Once you're talking, it just kind or rolls- trust me! You just have to jump in and just have the first call. Do it! (and a glass of wine can def help the first time- just not too many!! )

thank you - that makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one who feels this way!

That's what I thought as well - I spent the past year years pretty much using the phone to make plans, such as "I'm leaving work at 6, can you pick me up at the train at 7?" I can barely remember how to just "chat" - and my girlfriends and I usually talk either face-to-face over over email, so no practice there.

I'm definitely not ready for a serious relationship at the moment (self esteem and other issues stemming from last guy that need to be fixed), but I do want to "get out there" and meet people and start exploring the world of dating again.

 

[SydneyFalco]

I met my wife on QuestPersonals in 2000/2001. That was a great time, in retrospect. The stigma of online dating was still pretty palpable: you had to be fairly geeky, computer savvy, slightly more educated and much more serious (i.e. desperate) to consider it.

Also, Internet culture and web relationships weren't as ubiquitous, de riguer and cocksure of themselves, either. I wouldn't want to do online dating today. Everybody's out there. the stigma's dissipating. Much more people to wade through. That mean more nuts. Also less tolerance.

Hey, now that AshleyMadison exists to facilitate affairs and divorce processes cane be e-based, you can get through a whole marriage without maybe even meeting your spouse face to face. Now that's progress.

 

[ols386]

Only separated for 8 months? Not divorced yet? How about you get to know "you" first then start dating.

Does your profile say single or married?

I was thinking the same thing. I've read and heard that once you get divorced you need to give yourself at least a full year (12 months), to get over the emotional aspect of getting divorced. That it is a loss, and you do need to basically go through a mourning process, and if you don't allow yourself to go through that process....it will very well catch up with you at some point in time.

I did some of those dating websites a few years back, after I was divorced (I'm remarried now), and I thought it was brutal. I didn't use eHarmony, but I can't even begin to say how many guys (and I'm sure women as well), lie about so many things, or at the very least, mis-represent themselves....and it was quite frustrating.

I think if I ever was divorced again, I'd probably just not date anymore, at least not through a dating website.....maybe someone who is a friend of a friend of a friend, etc., or something like that, but not from a website.

Best of luck to you!!

 

[chicagoshannon]

I met my husband on match.com. I tried eHarmony also at the same time. I believe I'm the one who made first contact with my husband. I had had 2 other IRL dates with people from a dating site that were just the one date and then I had a very short term relationship (maybe a month or so) with a guy from eHarmony. He was a sweet person just not right for me.

The key with my husband and I was to NOT talk very long online before meeting. Sometimes if you chat online for a while your expectations are totally different then what you get I found. My husband and I exchanged maybe 3 emails (mostly background info) and then he called me. I believe he asked me out after the 1 phone call. It worked out so much better that way!

 

[SydneyFalco]

I totally agree. The notion that the man should make the first move will not work in the world of online dating. If you see someone who intrests you, make the first attempt at communication.

I must've gone on fifty first dates in two or three years, and not more than five of those were women I contacted first.

 

[Nom]

The key with my husband and I was to NOT talk very long online before meeting.

ITA with this. If there is mutual interest, they usually ask me out, or vice versa, after the first email. If they don't bring it up, I will! Because I don't really want to spend my time emailing back and forth with someone I have zero in-person chemistry with.

 

[frndshpcptn]

Ok - any tips for me when sending this first email to the guys I thought was cute? Length, detail, questions, next steps (i.e. how to close the email)?

Thanks!

 

[Nom]

Ok - any tips for me when sending this first email to the guys I thought was cute? Length, detail, questions, next steps (i.e. how to close the email)?

Thanks!

ugh- it is so hard- that is why I perfer eharmony because there is no awkawrdness of the first emails! Ok, but here is what I would say-

Was there something that you liked about his profile? For example, recently I wrote a first email to someone because their fave book was my fave book- so I said something like "Wow, I just had to write because I see your favorite book is Ulysses. I have never met anyone in real life (besides myself) that has read that, let alone on eharmony! I love the part about xxx. What is your fave part?"

So in other words, writing about something you see in his profile is good because it shows that there is something about HIM you like, and that you are not just sending out cookie cutter 'form emails' to everyone.

If I can't think of something that I see on his profile, you can always say something like, "Hi there- I see we live in the same area, and your profile caught my eye. I'd like to learn more about you- tell me the 5 most unique things about yourself, and I'll do the same!" I've used this one a couple of times. Is it corny? Maybe, but it has worked.

 

[frndshpcptn]

thanks - there was definitely a few things in his profile that caught my eye that we have in common - so I'll take that route in the email.

Short and sweet?

Ok, I can do this (gathering up courage)...