One Parent - Filing Parental Abondonment

[gate_pourri]

I am hoping that someone may know what to do in this situation. My best friend got married a little over 6 years ago to whom we all thought was a great guy. She has 2 children, expecting her 3rd in August.

Two weeks ago, her husband packed a suitcase, cleaned out their bank accounts and left. What we can figure out, he has moved 'out of state' with his girlfriend. That is all we know. There has been no communication, except for a message left on her voice mail the day he left.

She wants to move back to San Francisco to be with her family at this time. Does anyone know if she needs to file abandonment charges on her husband? She is worried that he may come after her if she moves the children out of state. If so, does it cover the baby she is expecting? She did file charges with the local PD for clearing out the bank accounts, taking her car, etc. but doesn't expect much from that. Any advice?

She plans on speaking to a lawyer at some point in the coming week, but wanted to know if it was even worth it.

 

[Chuck S]

Since laws vary greatly state to state, seeing the attorney is her best bet.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

That is awful - Sadly, I'm afraid if he's on the bank accounts, the police report won't help her much. I think she can file abandonment charges, and technically, she doesn't have to put his name on the birth certificate, yet if she wants to go after child support, she needs to.

She probably needs to be with family now, but wow, hugs to her...poor girl

 

[gate_pourri]

Since laws vary greatly state to state, seeing the attorney is her best bet.

Thanks. I believe she has an appointment with a divorce attorney on Friday. She just sounds like she wants to cancel it and fly home as soon as possible.

She is in New York state, if it helps any.

 

[gate_pourri]

That is awful - Sadly, I'm afraid if he's on the bank accounts, the police report won't help her much. I think she can file abandonment charges, and technically, she doesn't have to put his name on the birth certificate, yet if she wants to go after child support, she needs to.

She probably needs to be with family now, but wow, hugs to her...poor girl

From what it sounds like (her emotions are very raw at the moment, so this attitude could change at any moment) she just wants to say [edit] and go home. She doesn't want to hear from him, talk to him, doesn't want support, etc. She just wants to make sure that anything she does from this point on doesn't help him in the future. IE, if he comes back in 4 years and says that she took the kids from him and moved out of state or something.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What about her house, cars, bills etc? Are the kids in school?

Firstly, he is going to come back and probably sooner than she thinks. He might be lawyered up already and is going to pounce on her. I would say time is of the essence right now.

A lawyer in this case should be her first priority. The sooner the better in fact. She needs to secure herself against him running up debt in her name.

I am not a lawyer however while he is not able to be contact her she may have a better chance of getting what you want in court.

I don't know but I would go for it since she wants to move back home.

 

[disneymarie]

Your friend can go to the courthouse tomorrow without an attorney and file for full legal and permanent custody. LEt the court officer know when she goes in what she is requesting if for an emergency hearing as without funds she has to return home asap. take the empty checking account records and the phone message.

At least that way if he shows up later she has documents giving her custody. Leaving the jurisdiction should not be a problem as her husband is no longer in the area from what his message says I bet he did not ask for visitation.
As a police officer, I needed to see what the court order said and without the order she could have real difficulty if he ever does show up. If he ever does show up, then he will be trying to convince the court to allow him visitation and at least he will have to pay for a supervised visit with a threat of him leaving with the kids. If the kids even do decide they will see him. I supervised those visits until last June and some kids are OK, but only want to see Dad there., others no matter what you do they want to either tear him apart and that needs to be done at a counselors office, or they refuse to go in and the judge has to decide what to do. I had a Dad that remarried and the son, wanted nothing to do with Dad. I had a level 4 sex offender that had gotten out of jail after years from abusing his own children and the kids wanted to see him. but only supervised.......?

As far as support, when she goes home take the documents to that court for support, that is different from the action for granting her custody. From there they can attach his soc sec to any employer and get child support. Let them worry about finding him.

But she does not need to pay to get the document to cover her butt.
It will take time to move get kids records, medical records requested so even if it takes a day or two to get a hearing she is good.
Bless her heart, I went through the exact thing with my ex 30 years ago and he is still an absent father jerk that never paid a decent support. I did it on my own with my parents support for child care part time.

At least he did not stay in my life and he was a bigger jerk to the second wife that wanted him so bad. Soemthing better in life is coming for her. She does have the kids,,, No matter what, she needs to take care of herself for the baby.

My ex showed up the night after our baby was born and had the nurse bring him in the room. Then he held him out over the floor and said, "He does not look like me!" " What will you do if I drop him on the floor right now?"
The court never gave unsuprervised visitation and then he just stopped seeing them. Tried to blame me.
I was 27, I went back to college went through the police academy and worked in law enforcement. In fact I was promoted to Chief of Police in the Borough he lived in!

One night outside the bar he was at, wife 2 found him in a car with a female.... She started beating him, someone said call the cops...As the ex is yelling NO DON'T.....

I packed his stuff in a laundry basket and drove him to her house dropped him off. She could have him. Upset yes, feeling like I failed yes, but did I have a much better life, YES. Difficult challanging but rewarding. I learned to love myself, I liked myself and other people liked me.
When I remarried I had been dating my childhood sweet heart for 12 years and now we are married 17.

It is a good marriage, but it has had its bumps along the way. Nothing at all like i would have had with the ex though.
di

 

[gate_pourri]

What about her house, cars, bills etc? Are the kids in school?

Firstly, he is going to come back and probably sooner than she thinks. He might be lawyered up already and is going to pounce on her. I would say time is of the essence right now.

A lawyer in this case should be her first priority. The sooner the better in fact. She needs to secure herself against him running up debt in her name.

I am not a lawyer however while he is not able to be contact her she may have a better chance of getting what you want in court.

I don't know but I would go for it since she wants to move back home.

I don't know all of the details... I know they didn't own, they rent. Her parents gave her the money to pay the April rent, so she isn't going to be evicted if she stays this month and gets her assets, legalities in order. The oldest is 5 and isn't in school yet, just pre-school.

Reading this, I just emailed her and told her to cancel all joint credit cards and get his name off of everything and tell the school that he can't take them after school (can she do that?). Just in case she hadn't. We are really (her friends and family) pushing the "CYA" thing strong.

 

[gate_pourri]

Your friend can go to the courthouse tomorrow without an attorney and file for full legal and permanent custody. LEt the court officer know when she goes in what she is requesting if for an emergency hearing as without funds she has to return home asap. take the empty checking account records and the phone message.

At least that way if he shows up later she has documents giving her custody. Leaving the jurisdiction should not be a problem as her husband is no longer in the area from what his message says I bet he did not ask for visitation.
As a police officer, I needed to see what the court order said and without the order she could have real difficulty if he ever does show up. If he ever does show up, then he will be trying to convince the court to allow him visitation and at least he will have to pay for a supervised visit with a threat of him leaving with the kids. If the kids even do decide they will see him. I supervised those visits until last June and some kids are OK, but only want to see Dad there., others no matter what you do they want to either tear him apart and that needs to be done at a counselors office, or they refuse to go in and the judge has to decide what to do. I had a Dad that remarried and the son, wanted nothing to do with Dad. I had a level 4 sex offender that had gotten out of jail after years from abusing his own children and the kids wanted to see him. but only supervised.......?

Thank you! I wasn't aware she could go to the courts without an attorney. I will make sure she knows this and pray she gets the strength to do this. I wish I lived closer to her, so that I could be more supportive.

I cannot image any child wanting to see a parent after the abuse you mention above. Luckily this 'guy' was good to his children, so I could them wanting to see him in the future. I am still shocked he did this. I've known them both since we were in junior high.

Please keep the advice coming. I want to keep advising her te bedt I can.

 

[disneymarie]

Thank you! I wasn't aware she could go to the courts without an attorney. I will make sure she knows this and pray she gets the strength to do this. I wish I lived closer to her, so that I could be more supportive.

I cannot image any child wanting to see a parent after the abuse you mention above. Luckily this 'guy' was good to his children, so I could them wanting to see him in the future. I am still shocked he did this. I've known them both since we were in junior high.

Please keep the advice coming. I want to keep advising her te bedt I can.

This use of the court without an attorney makes is a lame excuse to any father that said he could not see his kids because he did not have an attorney. So it works for mother needing custody papers too.
At this point she needs asap a document giving her full and legal custody so no attorney needed today. The school should have a copy too.

She may want to contact legal aid about her rights for legal advice on money protection from him running up bills, and getting half the bank account money back too. I use to see those annoucements in the paper that being no longer responsible for any debts of the other person and the date. I do not know if that is still done or not.
Oh, she also should let the machine pick up calls if he does make any so that the recording speaks for its self. Keep a log everyday. If no call no contact, keep it recorded. If a message is left write that.....

You are a wonderful friend. Let her know she has a lot of people keeping her in their thoughts and praying for a better life. He is a cheap coward to abadon his family and the kids will grow up seeing what a great Mom they have.
Hugs to your friend,
di

 

[coinkc]

Another thing to consider. I know in at least some of the states, the person who files for custody first gets primary custody while the initial proceedings take place. So she will want to file immediately to ensure that she has the kids.

 

[mjantz]

I don't know all of the details... I know they didn't own, they rent. Her parents gave her the money to pay the April rent, so she isn't going to be evicted if she stays this month and gets her assets, legalities in order. The oldest is 5 and isn't in school yet, just pre-school.

Reading this, I just emailed her and told her to cancel all joint credit cards and get his name off of everything and tell the school that he can't take them after school (can she do that?). Just in case she hadn't. We are really (her friends and family) pushing the "CYA" thing strong.

I work in child care & we cannot keep children from their parents. We can delay the process as much as possible & call the police to make sure nothing gets out of hand but our hands are tied without a court order.

 

[browneyes106]

I'm sorry about what happened to your friend. How far along is she in her pregnancy? I don't blame her for wanting to be with her family in San Fran. Like others have mentioned tell her to seek legal advice and help. I hate to say this but since he has conacted her since he left maybe he no longer wants anything to do with the children. My aunt was in a situation like this 20 years ago her ex husband eventually told her he didn't want anything to do with their two sons. I will keep your friend and her children in my prayers.

 

[castleview]

I work in child care & we cannot keep children from their parents. We can delay the process as much as possible & call the police to make sure nothing gets out of hand but our hands are tied without a court order.

That's true. At my old school, we had a mailing list of parents whose exes weren't giving them school info. Sometimes one parent would get mad if we sent info to the other parent, but unless there was a court order that parent had just as much right to notices, report cards, progress reports, etc.

 

[Disney Doll]

Tell your friend not to wait until Friday to see a lawyer. Find one today.

I know this is probably the worst time in her lfie, but her future and the future of her children depends on her thinking as clearly as she can and taking the irght steps now.

First and foremost, get a handle on finances now. Bank accounts, credit cards, retirement accounts. Call every credit card they have together and see if his name can be talen off. If his name can't be taken off, then see if her name can be taken off so she is not responsible for any more bills. Call every credit reporting company and tell them that there are to be no new credit cards allowed to be opened in her name, that she has cause to think that her estranged husband may attempt to do this and she does not want that to happen.

Tell her to keep the evidence of him removing the money from their accounts and keep the answering machine message.

If she can't get an appointment with a lawyer today, then tell her to call the courthouse and see if there is anything she can do with regard to custody of her children...explain her situation and see what they suggest. And tell her to keep documentation of every single person she speaks to...name, title, date and time she spoke to them, in addition to notes as to what they spoke about.

I knwo she wants to curl up into a ball and die, but she can't. She needs to empower herself right now. If he is a good father, he'll probably want to see the kids at some point. if he has run off with a woman, once the excitement of the forbidden wanes and he sees that she is just liek every other owman, he may wants to come back.

Protect herself, protect herself, protect herself.

I'd also change the locks on the doors to my house, but that's me.

 

[gate_pourri]

I'm sorry about what happened to your friend. How far along is she in her pregnancy? I don't blame her for wanting to be with her family in San Fran. Like others have mentioned tell her to seek legal advice and help. I hate to say this but since he has conacted her since he left maybe he no longer wants anything to do with the children. My aunt was in a situation like this 20 years ago her ex husband eventually told her he didn't want anything to do with their two sons. I will keep your friend and her children in my prayers.

As bad as it sounds, I really hope that is the case. I know that is what she is hoping for. At this point, she doesn't want child support or anything, she doesn't want to ever see or hear from him again. This, of course, could change at any moment, especially as emotions settle down.

But, I personally don't see that happening. He was very active in his children's life: he couched his son's soccer team last year and was overall a good father. I think whenever he gets over this little 'mid-life crisis' he will want to see his children.

 

[gate_pourri]

Tell your friend not to wait until Friday to see a lawyer. Find one today.

I know this is probably the worst time in her lfie, but her future and the future of her children depends on her thinking as clearly as she can and taking the irght steps now.

First and foremost, get a handle on finances now. Bank accounts, credit cards, retirement accounts. Call every credit card they have together and see if his name can be talen off. If his name can't be taken off, then see if her name can be taken off so she is not responsible for any more bills. Call every credit reporting company and tell them that there are to be no new credit cards allowed to be opened in her name, that she has cause to think that her estranged husband may attempt to do this and she does not want that to happen.

Tell her to keep the evidence of him removing the money from their accounts and keep the answering machine message.

If she can't get an appointment with a lawyer today, then tell her to call the courthouse and see if there is anything she can do with regard to custody of her children...explain her situation and see what they suggest. And tell her to keep documentation of every single person she speaks to...name, title, date and time she spoke to them, in addition to notes as to what they spoke about.

I knwo she wants to curl up into a ball and die, but she can't. She needs to empower herself right now. If he is a good father, he'll probably want to see the kids at some point. if he has run off with a woman, once the excitement of the forbidden wanes and he sees that she is just liek every other owman, he may wants to come back.

Protect herself, protect herself, protect herself.

I'd also change the locks on the doors to my house, but that's me.

Thanks for this information. I will make sure she knows that she needs to cancel all her accounts and even change the locks. That's a great idea.

After quite some convincing, she is meeting with an attorney this morning. I will update when I hear anything.

 

[browneyes106]

As bad as it sounds, I really hope that is the case. I know that is what she is hoping for. At this point, she doesn't want child support or anything, she doesn't want to ever see or hear from him again. This, of course, could change at any moment, especially as emotions settle down.

But, I personally don't see that happening. He was very active in his children's life: he couched his son's soccer team last year and was overall a good father. I think whenever he gets over this little 'mid-life crisis' he will want to see his children.

Sorry in my post I meant to type hasn't instead of has. If he was active in the kids' lives there is still the chance he'll want to see them. Like you said once things settle down things could change.

 

[agnes!]

If she has any valuables in the house - jewelry, collectibles, etc. - she should remove them from the house, (get them off the premises) and give them to a trusted friend/relative for safe-keeping.

It is my understanding that she probably can't change the locks - she needs to ask the lawyer about that. Yeah, doesn't sound right, but I have a friend whose husband walked out on her & the kids. Her lawyer said that even though he did all sorts of nasty/stupid things (took her personal jewelry, took FURNITURE while my friend was away on vacation - she & the kids came back to a missing dining-room set and bedroom set ), that she really couldn't/shouldn't change the locks on the house since his name was on the deed too.

Could some family come to where she's living to lend a hand for maybe a month or at least a week or two - watch the kids while she's seeing lawyers, help her pack, etc.?

She needs to get an account at Equifax or some other similar company and check her credit every single stinkin' day.

She needs to get MAD for her kids and protect them. Cry at night, but be hell on wheels during the day and protect her babies from their dad's stupidity.

Prayers said,
agnes!

 

[browneyes106]

If she has any valuables in the house - jewelry, collectibles, etc. - she should remove them from the house, (get them off the premises) and give them to a trusted friend/relative for safe-keeping.

It is my understanding that she probably can't change the locks - she needs to ask the lawyer about that. Yeah, doesn't sound right, but I have a friend whose husband walked out on her & the kids. Her lawyer said that even though he did all sorts of nasty/stupid things (took her personal jewelry, took FURNITURE while my friend was away on vacation - she & the kids came back to a missing dining-room set and bedroom set ), that she really couldn't/shouldn't change the locks on the house since his name was on the deed too.

Could some family come to where she's living to lend a hand for maybe a month or at least a week or two - watch the kids while she's seeing lawyers, help her pack, etc.?

She needs to get an account at Equifax or some other similar company and check her credit every single stinkin' day.

She needs to get MAD for her kids and protect them. Cry at night, but be hell on wheels during the day and protect her babies from their dad's stupidity.

Prayers said,
agnes!

Good point there valuable stuff should be hidden away to prevent anything from happening.