One Parent - Filing Parental Abondonment

[coinkc]

Something else to store at a friend's house is home movies/photos that you want to keep. When my ex moved out, he had the whole back seat of his car filled with my daughter's baby books, photo albums, tapes, etc. Needless to say, I removed them before he drove away!

 

[Disney Doll]

As bad as it sounds, I really hope that is the case. I know that is what she is hoping for. At this point, she doesn't want child support or anything, she doesn't want to ever see or hear from him again. This, of course, could change at any moment, especially as emotions settle down.

But, I personally don't see that happening. He was very active in his children's life: he couched his son's soccer team last year and was overall a good father. I think whenever he gets over this little 'mid-life crisis' he will want to see his children.

Tell her I said she is doing her children a huge injustice if she goes the "I don't want anything from him" route, unless she is independently wealthy.

They are his children too, so unless he is willing to give up parental rights, certainly he should not have the pleasure of seeing his children without the responsibility of supporting them.

 

[gate_pourri]

Small Update:

I just got off the phone with J. She did speak with an attorney today and he is filling papers with the courts this afternoon. I assume those are custody papers, but didn't get any more information on that.

She has already done some of what had been mentioned here: canceled all credit cards and bank accounts and reopened them in just her name. She also said her landlord has already changed the locks on their apartment. She didn't think about changing the names on her other accounts (cell phone, internet, cable, etc.) Is there a reason to take his name off of those at this time? When I recommend she move some of the irreplaceable, she agreed and will be moving them to a friends house.

She did mention that to file for divorce in the State of NY, one has to wait one year or get him to sign the papers. Since no one knows where he is, that is unlikely to happen. I am sure this is the last thing on her mind and I don't want to add another worry, but I can't help but wonder... Her grandmother is very ill (the woman is 93 so she has had quite the life) and is unexpected to live much longer. There is a nice nest-egg that the Grandmother set aside for J in her will. If it takes a year + to get divorced, would that money legally be 'theirs' or 'hers'?

 

[RadioNate]

I am so angry for your friend.

She'll have to discuss with her lawyer but the inheritance thing happened with a friend of ours and his now ex-wife didn't get any of the money. However, there were legal forms that had to be filed before their divorce. Maybe legal separation or spousal abandonment papers.

 

[hereyago]

Tell her I said she is doing her children a huge injustice if she goes the "I don't want anything from him" route, unless she is independently wealthy.

I totally agree with this part

They are his children too, so unless he is willing to give up parental rights, certainly he should not have the pleasure of seeing his children without the responsibility of supporting them.

This part, any judge will tell you that visitation and child support are 2 different issues. So if he didn't pay child support, he would still have a right to see his kids.

 

[wvjules]

Did he really just walk out? What did his message say? It sounds kinda fishy. (Not that I dont' believe you but with what little you posted, is it possible he was kidnapped or something?)

 

[gate_pourri]

Did he really just walk out? What did his message say? It sounds kinda fishy. (Not that I dont' believe you but with what little you posted, is it possible he was kidnapped or something?)

OMG! I personally didn't even think about that possibility. I haven't heard the message, but it said something to the effect of:I am sorry for doing this, I still love you, but I love Sarah (name changed to protect the innocent) and need to be with her, blah blah blah. Besides the money; One of their cars, some of his clothes & personal items, one photo album and his laptop was all that seems to have been taken.

 

[Disney Doll]

Is this plausible? Did she/they know a Sarah?

As far as Grandma's money, I'd probably get my share left to someone else I could trust to hold it for me until the divorce is finished. Say your friend's share is to be $10K. Could that $10K be left to your friend's mother instead, witht he understanding that mother just puts it into a savings account until all divorce proceedings are finished?

 

[browneyes106]

Did he really just walk out? What did his message say? It sounds kinda fishy. (Not that I dont' believe you but with what little you posted, is it possible he was kidnapped or something?)

OMG! I personally didn't even think about that possibility. I haven't heard the message, but it said something to the effect of:I am sorry for doing this, I still love you, but I love Sarah (name changed to protect the innocent) and need to be with her, blah blah blah. Besides the money; One of their cars, some of his clothes & personal items, one photo album and his laptop was all that seems to have been taken.

It could have happened. It does seem weird that he didn't take all his clothes.
Has your friend contacted any of his friends and family to see if they have heard from him?

 

[RadioNate]

Did he really just walk out? What did his message say? It sounds kinda fishy. (Not that I dont' believe you but with what little you posted, is it possible he was kidnapped or something?)

I guess it could be a little fishy with things like Drew Peterson in the news but people do up and leave their spouses at random.

DH and several friends when on a 'guys weekend' a few years ago. When one of the guys got home his wife had cleared nearly everything out of the house, including the clothes that he didn't take on the trip! There was no hint of anything wrong. In fact she had been leaving 'lovey' messages to him all weekend.

OP- has he talked to his parents/siblings? Has she? He should be in contact with someone. I'm sure there is a cel phone. Are there records of this other woman?

 

[gate_pourri]

I guess it could be a little fishy with things like Drew Peterson in the news but people do up and leave their spouses at random.

DH and several friends when on a 'guys weekend' a few years ago. When one of the guys got home his wife had cleared nearly everything out of the house, including the clothes that he didn't take on the trip! There was no hint of anything wrong. In fact she had been leaving 'lovey' messages to him all weekend.

OP- has he talked to his parents/siblings? Has she? He should be in contact with someone. I'm sure there is a cel phone. Are there records of this other woman?

I truthfully don't know... I was so worried about protecting my friend and her kids that I didn't really think twice about what happened to him. I just keep imaging him off sleeping with some ****. She was pretty close to his parents and sister (her MIL is a totally sweetie), so I assume she has talked to them.

 

[Chuck S]

Small Update:

I just got off the phone with J. She did speak with an attorney today and he is filling papers with the courts this afternoon. I assume those are custody papers, but didn't get any more information on that.

She has already done some of what had been mentioned here: canceled all credit cards and bank accounts and reopened them in just her name. She also said her landlord has already changed the locks on their apartment. She didn't think about changing the names on her other accounts (cell phone, internet, cable, etc.) Is there a reason to take his name off of those at this time? When I recommend she move some of the irreplaceable, she agreed and will be moving them to a friends house.

She did mention that to file for divorce in the State of NY, one has to wait one year or get him to sign the papers. Since no one knows where he is, that is unlikely to happen. I am sure this is the last thing on her mind and I don't want to add another worry, but I can't help but wonder... Her grandmother is very ill (the woman is 93 so she has had quite the life) and is unexpected to live much longer. There is a nice nest-egg that the Grandmother set aside for J in her will. If it takes a year + to get divorced, would that money legally be 'theirs' or 'hers'?

In most states, an inheritance belongs only to the actual heir, unless the heir deposits the funds into a joint account, or titles inherited property jointly.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I never thought of a 'kidnapping' or somthing wrong like that, and find it highly unlikely... BUT... if no one has heard from him, can she file a missing persons report? Let the police hear the message, but that way she can get signed what she needs by him or find out whats really going on.

Such a mess

 

[friendofgusgus]

Small Update:

She did mention that to file for divorce in the State of NY, one has to wait one year or get him to sign the papers. Since no one knows where he is, that is unlikely to happen. I am sure this is the last thing on her mind and I don't want to add another worry, but I can't help but wonder... Her grandmother is very ill (the woman is 93 so she has had quite the life) and is unexpected to live much longer. There is a nice nest-egg that the Grandmother set aside for J in her will. If it takes a year + to get divorced, would that money legally be 'theirs' or 'hers'?

She needs a legal separation in order to protect the inheritance, which the attorney can assist her with. That also gives her the rights to untangle herself from him for tax purposes as well.

Did they already file their income taxes? She needs to think about that too.

 

[ctinct]

I don't know how this would work, but if there are any retirement accounts, have your friend check with her lawyer. I know in my state, I was entitled to a portion of my ex's pension, but by the time we got around to divorcing, he had cleaned out his IRA. It was in his name with me as beneficiary, so he technically owned the money. Basically, my attorney told me it was too bad for me, but perhaps in other states it is different. Just something to check into, particularly if there are no other retirement funds available to your friend.

 

[disneymarie]

Small Update:

Her grandmother is very ill (the woman is 93 so she has had quite the life) and is unexpected to live much longer. There is a nice nest-egg that the Grandmother set aside for J in her will. If it takes a year + to get divorced, would that money legally be 'theirs' or 'hers'?

I guess the landlord took him off the rental? that way he has no right to cut the locks off. Big Pain...I would put a no trespassing sign up, or no unauthorised person....Just a thought. I had to do that when I had a PFA against my brother from stalking me.

I would leave the bills in his name until he cuts them off, lol. too bad so sad for him!

The inheritence, that should not be a problem now that he is gone. I know we went through that with my sister and her ex with my Dad's passing. he could not get anything of the home dad had put in her name. He had moved out the year prior to dad passing.
Sending supportive thoughts,

While this is all new and exciting to the skunk and scank, wait until the passion wears off, the reallity hits home and tries to make it right again....they all try believe me. In 6 months the honeymoon period will be over and the gf will be so tired of the baggage, bills, supporting two households, and his dirty socks and towels she will leave him for someone with no baggage.
di

 

[gate_pourri]

I guess the landlord took him off the rental? that way he has no right to cut the locks off. Big Pain...I would put a no trespassing sign up, or no unauthorised person....Just a thought. I had to do that when I had a PFA against my brother from stalking me.

I would leave the bills in his name until he cuts them off, lol. too bad so sad for him!

The inheritence, that should not be a problem now that he is gone. I know we went through that with my sister and her ex with my Dad's passing. he could not get anything of the home dad had put in her name. He had moved out the year prior to dad passing.
Sending supportive thoughts,

While this is all new and exciting to the skunk and scank, wait until the passion wears off, the reallity hits home and tries to make it right again....they all try believe me. In 6 months the honeymoon period will be over and the gf will be so tired of the baggage, bills, supporting two households, and his dirty socks and towels she will leave him for someone with no baggage.
di

Should she take her name off the bills and just leave his? Can she do that? Sorry to sound so stupid.

 

[disneymarie]

Do you think the cable and phone are in both names. I just have everything in my husbands name. I have a phone account and had elec and fuel bills credit, but when we married and built the home, we only had them in his name.

If they are in both, maybe they would allow her to pay half the bill, take her off and open her own account. She will have to call them and ask. I would hate to hear him cut the cable in an Oh gee moment and the kids are trying to watch Elmo.

God love her, Oh I remember those days. THe ex showed up with a van and wanted to take the TV we paid $50 for from his grandparents so the kids had no TV. Then he thought he was taking the washer dryer we had just bought, but I went out and got a loan at the bank for them so he could not take them. That was with a baby less then a year old in the house too...lots of diapers.

But, I was the winner, I did have a most wonderful life without him. A tough one, one where I could not get a dime of child support and lived on a $75 week UC check when the last baby was born. By the time they attached his wages, welfare took all the money...
LOL now I am back on UC of $78 a week, lol.....But, I did get a part time job today the pay is awsome. My DH job closed up after 42 years, he is 61 in May and this was the only job he ever had. Not even a GED....

So we do get through things. Especially with great friends like you!
di

 

[mjantz]

Re: child support

Even if she doesn't want it for herself, suggest she get it for the kids & put it into college savings accounts for them. A friend of mine once said if she knew then what she knew now she'd fight a bit harder for child support just to put it in a college savings account. Were she to ever get remarried (yes I know its the farthest from her mind right now) the only time a step-parents income is considered is when you're applying for college financial aid.

 

[browneyes106]

I never thought of a 'kidnapping' or somthing wrong like that, and find it highly unlikely... BUT... if no one has heard from him, can she file a missing persons report? Let the police hear the message, but that way she can get signed what she needs by him or find out whats really going on.

Such a mess

I think a police report could filed if no other friends or relatives have heard from him. I think maybe the wife should talk to any friends or coworkers he has to see if they know something.