Onboard account mishap - surprise to longtime DISer

[Calantha]

They both are doing very well and could probably buy and sell us but we, as parents, love to see the look on their faces NOW instead of them receiving money once we're not around. And they both have turned out to be generous in love, money, help, time etc. to others.

From the DD perspective, both my husband's parents and my parents (although divorced) like to buy things for us and our son - but I know they are looking toward or already in retirement while we have many years of work ahead (hopefully) - so we try to split things (although if my husband had his way he would always steal the bill).

I was totally hoping to spring a huge upgrade on my dad and his GF for the upcoming cruise, but I decided it was better to discuss it. I still want to splurge for them during the trip.

 

[professorandmom]

OP here...I've been on the DIS boards long enough to expect a variety of responses...I appreciate the kind words. Parenting debates on this site go way back - to the early days of kids clubs defined by ages and open house times...no one approach is right for everyone...

 

[kaytieeldr]

Do you realize that this is one of the rudest things to tell a person how to raise their children?

isn't a 30 year old child already raised?

 

[Karin1984]

isn't a 30 year old child already raised?

To me the poster indicated that the OP had done something wrong before the child became 30. If the OP had raised the child 'right', then she wouldn't have taken the actions she took.

 

[ryankski]

I keep reading about gifts. To be clear, the OP did not say she purchased a gift card, gave cash or anything about a gift for her adult child. She stated she went behind her son's back so "he could avoid embarrassment" and changed his payment form without his knowledge. A gift is one thing. A gift is given and the receiver is aware of the gift, but when someone doesn't know they are "receiving" anything you can not call that a "gift" as many of the previous posters did. Going behind your adult child's back to "protect" them from embarrassment is what I (and most people) would call helicopter parenting. Google "helicopter parent definition". Treat your kids like adults and if they screw up let them figure out how to solve there issues/problems. They will grow up to be able to think and problem solve. Better they learn this at a younger age. Also you can't protect them for the rest of their life as you will someday be gone.

I think everyone should take a listen to Gary Vee's recent podcast on entitlement (titled: Let’s Talk About Entitlement), but just note there is some language. It is under 10 minutes and can be listened to here:

https://soundcloud.com/garyvee%2Flets-talk-about-entitlement

 

[jo-jo]

Reading some of the comments on this thread makes me wonder about other threads recently posted like what age do you consider an adult or do you pay for your kids vacations or you do help your kids with bills once they move out of the house. I don't think I heard the term helicopter parent in any of those threads.

 

[Dug720]

Reading some of the comments on this thread makes me wonder about other threads recently posted like what age do you consider an adult or do you pay for your kids vacations or you do help your kids with bills once they move out of the house. I don't think I heard the term helicopter parent in any of those threads.

Probably because things like paying for a vacation are gifts. Helping with bills IF ASKED is one thing, but paying them - or slipping money into an account or changing the method of payment to their account without their request or knowledge - does walk a fine line and IMHO err on the side of helicoptering.

“Helicopter parenting refers to "a style of parents who are over focused on their children," says Carolyn Daitch, Ph.D., director of the Center for the Treatment of Anxiety Disorders near Detroit and author of Anxiety Disorders: The Go-To Guide. "They typically take too much responsibility for their children's experiences and, specifically, their successes or failures," Dr. Daitch says. Ann Dunnewold, Ph. D., a licensed psychologist and author of Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box, calls it "overparenting." "It means being involved in a child's life in a way that is overcontrolling, overprotecting, and overperfecting, in a way that is in excess of responsible parenting," Dr. Dunnewold explains.”

My parents will still occasionally pay for part of a family trip - like when they wanted to take a family trip for their 45th anniversary - but my sister and I are responsible for our airfare, etc. They never pay the entire thing. And they would never change our form of payment to their card without asking us.

 

[jo-jo]

So would you consider a case of the child who has moved out, but the parent still pays (with the child's knowledge) say car insurance, health care and cell phone ( I just picked big bills), still being a helicopter parent? I'm not talking, child had some crisis, could you help me this month with X, I'm talking they are paying every month for things.

We have been much like your parents, we go to disney, we used our DVC points and pay for some meals, kids pay the rest. We are doing one all family trip where we are paying for everyone but as cheap as we can, so no table service, half the meals in the room. No extra events tickets, etc. Anything beyond that is on them. This may be the last whole family trip, traveling is getting hard on DH.

 

[Dug720]

So would you consider a case of the child who has moved out, but the parent still pays (with the child's knowledge) say car insurance, health care and cell phone ( I just picked big bills), still being a helicopter parent? I'm not talking, child had some crisis, could you help me this month with X, I'm talking they are paying every month for things.

We have been much like your parents, we go to disney, we used our DVC points and pay for some meals, kids pay the rest. We are doing one all family trip where we are paying for everyone but as cheap as we can, so no table service, half the meals in the room. No extra events tickets, etc. Anything beyond that is on them. This may be the last whole family trip, traveling is getting hard on DH.

Spoiled adult children, perhaps. But unless the parents are specifically doing it to prevent their child from “failing” and/or doing so is not allowing the child to grow away from them and become their own people like children are supposed to, then no. I would encourage the parents and children to have an honest look at things - maybe if the adult child who is largely being funded by the parents is going out all the time or going on trips all the time it would be time for the parents to say “We have been paying this so you could get settled and get a budget going. Not so that you can go out with your friends all the time and go on trips all the time. Since you have enough money for that, it is time for you to make these payments on your own.”

The definition of helicopter parenting specified preventing/avoiding failure on the child’s part - so parents who call Human Resources departments about their adult child’s less than glowing review (I have a friend who fields these on the regular) or changing payments to prevent failure or embarrassment does fall under the definition. It is a fine line, but ultimately it comes down - as I understand it - to allowing the child to learn and grow and make their own decisions and mistakes.

I know in an emergency if I asked my parents would do what they could to help, but I have learned to do everything in my power to own my sugar-honey-iced-tea and sort things out before I turn to them. I realize that they are retired and cannot do as much and might not be able to help. And that is ok. If they are, I am super appreciative and accept only the minimum. And even then I pay them back as soon as I can. To my mind, that is the difference - my parents were not helicopter parents and I will only go to them as a last resort and if they cannot help I accept that; the child of helicopter parents would likely not ever have to go to them because they would have automatically done something, but if they did have to go to them and the parents could do no more - or is things went south for any other reason (see the OP’s situation) the child ends up angry at the parents.

 

[jo-jo]

Spoiled adult children, perhaps. But unless the parents are specifically doing it to prevent their child from “failing” and/or doing so is not allowing the child to grow away from them and become their own people like children are supposed to, then no. I would encourage the parents and children to have an honest look at things - maybe if the adult child who is largely being funded by the parents is going out all the time or going on trips all the time it would be time for the parents to say “We have been paying this so you could get settled and get a budget going. Not so that you can go out with your friends all the time and go on trips all the time. Since you have enough money for that, it is time for you to make these payments on your own.”

The definition of helicopter parenting specified preventing/avoiding failure on the child’s part - so parents who call Human Resources departments about their adult child’s less than glowing review (I have a friend who fields these on the regular) or changing payments to prevent failure or embarrassment does fall under the definition. It is a fine line, but ultimately it comes down - as I understand it - to allowing the child to learn and grow and make their own decisions and mistakes.

I know in an emergency if I asked my parents would do what they could to help, but I have learned to do everything in my power to own my sugar-honey-iced-tea and sort things out before I turn to them. I realize that they are retired and cannot do as much and might not be able to help. And that is ok. If they are, I am super appreciative and accept only the minimum. And even then I pay them back as soon as I can.

Yes , yes and yes.

 

[Skywalker]

I don't think Disney should allow anyone to interfere with another adult's shipboard account / payment information. And I do think it's probably time for OP's son to stop sharing too much of his private financial situation with Mom.

 

[FigmentSpark]

I think it's no one's business here if the OP wants to help her son. She was just trying to warn that you need to double check any changes you make to your account to ensure things are set up as you want them. We had a snafu at the kids' club... human error (not ours), but it happens, so don't just trust that it's set up right, double check, just like you count the cash a teller gives you at a bank or the change the cashier gives you at the store. It's probably right, but count it anyway.

So, thanks, OP, for the reminder that anyone can make a mistake. And sorry for all the invasive advice you're getting as to how to live your life and handle your family relationships.

 

[professorandmom]

OP here...first, my son is 25...graduated college just a few years ago and is in his first real job...not 30 but not sure this makes a difference...I paid for the cruises of all my children and their significant others as many parents and grandparents do

So the DIS boards were a daily read since my first cruise many years ago. Without another cruise planed and in light of the harsh comments here...I think I'll take a break

Hope the faith, trust and pixie dust that are a Disney hallmark will be spread over this group of posters...

 

[ryankski]

I don't think Disney should allow anyone to interfere with another adult's shipboard account / payment information. And I do think it's probably time for OP's son to stop sharing too much of his private financial situation with Mom.

I would assume the mother booked the room or was on the reservation somehow. I would assume that's the only way to change the payment for a room your not on.

Edit to say I saw the OPs post and that is the case which makes sense that it was allowed

 

[MomOTwins]

Good grief. My mom once did this exact thing:changed the card on our resort stay and my sister’s to her credit card without telling us. We spent what we budgeted: a spa treatment each for DH and me and some snorkel equipment. I think my sister did about the same. I wasn’t expecting it but it was nice. I didn’t feel humiliated or that it was a breach of trust or anything. It was a gift and a thoughtful one and I thanked her. People here need to chill out and change out of their judgy pants already.

 

[KashasMom]

Good grief. My mom once did this exact thing:changed the card on our resort stay and my sister’s to her credit card without telling us. We spent what we budgeted: a spa treatment each for DH and me and some snorkel equipment. I think my sister did about the same. I wasn’t expecting it but it was nice. I didn’t feel humiliated or that it was a breach of trust or anything. It was a gift and a thoughtful one and I thanked her. People here need to chill out and change out of their judgy pants already.

That's a different situation. Her son WAS embarrassed and...angry because it caused him more grief and worry about his finances (specifically his rent bouncing).

BTW - it sounds like her son was being responsible about his finances and she wanted to help. I don't think that makes her a helicopter parent but it would have been better if she had discussed it with him first. I bet he would have said no though...

 

[Lisa F]

OP here...first, my son is 25...graduated college just a few years ago and is in his first real job...not 30 but not sure this makes a difference...I paid for the cruises of all my children and their significant others as many parents and grandparents do

So the DIS boards were a daily read since my first cruise many years ago. Without another cruise planed and in light of the harsh comments here...I think I'll take a break

Hope the faith, trust and pixie dust that are a Disney hallmark will be spread over this group of posters...

everyone is a parenting expert, especially on sketchy information on the internet. I mean, all you have to do is watch a youtube video to see everything you've been doing wrong!

I'm sorry it went there - when my parents cruised with us (I am a single mom and switched from a 7 night cruise to a 4 night so my parents could spend the time with their grandson because they thought 7 nights was too long, so I traded the itinerary I wanted for the grandparent experience for son) I had the cruise and flights paid for by the time they booked but they insisted on paying for onboard expenses. My dad derives tremendous pleasure from spoiling his grandkids after growing up dirt poor himself and struggling even when I was that age. I indulge on vacation but being a single mom I still put a budget and limits on it... PopPop does not believe in those words at this point in his life and enjoyed way overtipping the CMs (and hence being treated like a virtual king the whole time), spoiling his grandson rotten and even treated his daughter (me) who put herself entirely through college and grad school to a massage and also a pretty necklace out of the gift shop (neither of which I would have indulged in myself.) I can guarantee you that my ability to be a responsible grownup was not destroyed in any way by the experience and that our family dynamic is not responsible for the downfall of society as we know it... and I'm betting your family dynamic isn't either.

We did go to guest services upon check in to have my onboard account switched from the card I had registered to theirs and I was anxious that they would flip it the other way around and I'd get saddled with all of the charges - not that it would have been ultimately able to unwind it but it would stress me out to have such a high bill even just for a month. I paid careful attention for the first couple of charges but I'm not surprised this can happen and it's a good warning.

 

[Lisa F]

That's a different situation. Her son WAS embarrassed and...angry because it caused him more grief and worry about his finances (specifically his rent bouncing).

BTW - it sounds like her son was being responsible about his finances and she wanted to help. I don't think that makes her a helicopter parent but it would have been better if she had discussed it with him first. I bet he would have said no though...

It would have been better, but I think she knows that and doesn't need a bunch of people on the internet monday morning quarterbacking it - what good will it do except to allow people to feel superior?

 

[MomOTwins]

That's a different situation. Her son WAS embarrassed and...angry because it caused him more grief and worry about his finances (specifically his rent bouncing).

BTW - it sounds like her son was being responsible about his finances and she wanted to help. I don't think that makes her a helicopter parent but it would have been better if she had discussed it with him first. I bet he would have said no though...

Only because Disney mucked it up. There is no indication he would have been upset had the gift worked as intended

 

[Magical_Suitcase]

Thank you for sharing your story and reminding us to keep an eye on our onboard accounts. I think it is great that you are a good person who was willing to help someone else have a great vacation (even if he was your son). Ignore the person who accused you of being a "helicopter parent". I am a psychologist who teaches "parenting classes", trust me, you were just being a good parent.

Smiles!