OMG What do I tell my friend????

[sajetto]

One of my closest friends called me in hysterics last night because of a situation she is now facing.

Let me give you the background:

She has been with what seems to be a really nice guy for about 2 years and he just popped the question last week. Of course she accepted, but this was before her situation popped up.

However, there has been ONE issue in their relationship.....PORN

She told me that she has caught him with pornography twice before and verbalized how much she doesn't like it, but here is where it gets MUCH WORSE



last night she was on his computer and saw that he had SUBSCRIBED to GAY PORN!


I have no idea what to tell her and I just don't know how to make her feel better and I have to say this is really shocking. He appeared to be a prime example of a straight guy (into sports, owns an auto shop, fishing, etc) Since she is just engaged it would be easy for her to get out, but she seems reluctant to do so. When she confronted him he said he was just curious and would never act on this fantasy of his. She says she doesn't want to leave so I don't know what to say other than "Oh man that stinks, hope that works out for you)

She's a great friend and she talked for hours last night. She's coming over here to my house at lunch time and I'm at a loss for what to say. I want to help, but I don't see how. This is just so awful because she has a history of being with losers and this was the only guy she has been with who really seemed to give her the attention she needed, loved her, and was financially stable. Her last relationship left me with some sleepless nights worrying about her because he was phyiscally abusive. I was really happy for her with this one, but I just don't see how this guy can be straight if he's subscribed to gay porn. Should I just keep my mouth shut and let her talk and cry for the rest of the day?

 

[RadioFanatic]

I think you need to give your opinion to her and then let her vent. When you say "suscribe", do you mean looked at it once, or actually paid to view it? If it's the latter, then there is an issue.

Because of what my husband does, I know of too many relationships where the straight person is heartbroken b/c the gay person finally realizes they can't play the charade any longer.

Good luck to you.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Nothing you can say. She knows all the facts and only she can make her decision based on those facts. Your job as a friend is to support her with her decision.

 

[sajetto]

I think you need to give your opinion to her and then let her vent. When you say "suscribe", do you mean looked at it once, or actually paid to view it? If it's the latter, then there is an issue.

Because of what my husband does, I know of too many relationships where the straight person is heartbroken b/c the gay person finally realizes they can't play the charade any longer.

Good luck to you.

I mean he actually paid to see it for a whole month. I think she said it was nearly a $40 subscription.


The previous porn he's been caught with was straight but this is definite gay porn, not a straight person in the bunch.

 

[4cruisin]

Honestly, I would tell her to return the ring pronto and run fast. This is a bad situation and it's only going to get worse.

 

[RadioFanatic]

then it seems to me that someone willing to pay $40 to look at that has more than just a passing interest in it. As a friend, I would give her your opinion and then let her hash it out with you. Good luck.

 

[AprilShowers]

Honestly, I would tell her to return the ring pronto and run fast. This is a bad situation and it's only going to get worse.

ITA, nothing good can come from this. What I would be wondering is what ELSE is he hiding? There's always more. It's never "just this one little thing".

 

[sajetto]

then it seems to me that someone willing to pay $40 to look at that has more than just a passing interest in it. As a friend, I would give her your opinion and then let her hash it out with you. Good luck.

Thanks. I just didn't want to screw up by saying "run, run, run!" and then her get upset with me because she is so hurt.

 

[Virgo10]

Time to move on. I feel sorry for her but she needs to get out NOW!

 

[Grumpy's Wife]

Give her a hug and just listen to what she has to say. I think she probably wants to vent and needs your support as a friend. Good luck.

 

[Luv'sTink]

IMHO, All you can really do is listen and let her talk, because if she leaves this guy on your advice and sometime down the road they get back together or she see's him happy with another women or If you tell her to stay and work it out and it doesn't she could be upset with you and make it your fault, when it really wouldn't be but a lot of times people need someone else to blame besides themselves or the guy, KWIM? It is a hard place to be......been there done that, don't want to do it again!

 

[mrsltg]

Boy are you in a difficult position here! It's hard for you to give advice because what happens if she decides to stay with the guy? I would let her talk it out and maybe ask questions that lead her to certain answers on her own. Clearly though, this man has some desires that can interfere with their marriage (perhaps you two could watch "Brokeback Mountain" together? ).

Good luck!

 

[N&B'smom]

I agree, nothing good could come from this. I known someone who got married and their spouse left them for a member of the same sex. Why do that to someone? I don't know if she'll want to leave but in all honesty, she should. I also agree if there's one secret there's usually another. I feel badly for her. But it's better to get out BEFORE she goes through with the marriage. Tell her it's GOOD she found out now!!

Shelby

 

[Robinrs]

You can't tell her anything she's willing to hear right now... she's going to have to learn on her own.

"Down Low" men are an epidemic in this world and some women will voluntarily ignore the signs just because they're in "love". Your friend will have to deal with it when she's willing to open her eyes.

Hetero porn is one thing, gay porn is a complete other thing.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You can say to your friend that her recent discovery has called his sexual orientation into question and she should start paying closer attention to what her man is up too.
He may say he is not gay but his actions say yes.

Perhaps watch "Mars Attacks" with her.... The martians run around saying they come in peace while killing people.
Sometimes it is hard to see the obvious.

 

[DVC Sadie]

You can't tell her anything she's willing to hear right now... she's going to have to learn on her own.

"Down Low" men are an epidemic in this world and some women will voluntarily ignore the signs just because they're in "love". Your friend will have to deal with it when she's willing to open her eyes.

Hetero porn is one thing, gay porn is a complete other thing.

ITA! There is nothing anyone could possibly say to this lady that could help.

Just be there to listen and please do not give any advice(even if she begs for the advice), especially if she is a friend you would love to keep.

 

[DVCLiz]

Here's the question I would ask her to ask herself -

"If you knew that every day for the rest of your married life, your husband might be looking at gay porn on the computer, could you accept that and be happy in your relationship?"

If her answer is yes, she should ignore it and plan her wedding. But if the answer is no, as I suspect it will be, she should end this now and move on.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Tougth situation. This is really something SHE needs to be discussing with her Fiance. Just be there for support, but I really wouldn't giver her any advice. Perhaps he is bi-sexual and she needs to decide herself what she is comfortable with.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Yikes! She's really lucky to find out now, before the, "I do's.".

I'm sure it's a tough situation. The deception and the feelings involved. It's a lot to deal with. I hope she runs fast! If it were me, I'd just be there for her. She will appreciate it. That's really all you can do.

 

[minkydog]

Here's the question I would ask her to ask herself -

"If you knew that every day for the rest of your married life, your husband might be looking at gay porn on the computer, could you accept that and be happy in your relationship?"

If her answer is yes, she should ignore it and plan her wedding. But if the answer is no, as I suspect it will be, she should end this now and move on.

If she had always had an issue with him looking at porn, she needs to realize he isn't going to stop, even though he says he will(he obviously didn't ) And now that she knows he likes to look at men I hope she will understand that his interest isn't going to change just because he tells her he's straight. He may think he is, or hope he is, but straight men aren't aroused by looking at pictures of other men. and they certainly don't pay $40 for the privilege!

Unfortunately, anything you say will be taken as an insult to her man. Let her talk. Let her cry. But let her com to her own conclusion that this is not the man for her.