OK, super embarrassing, but so funny! AKA:The Fart Thread

[goofygirl]

I can't believe I am admitting this but....


I have a book that's a Dictionary of Farts from A-Z.

My favorites are the Sofa Fart (the one you try to hide deep in the cushions) and the Gambled But Lost Fart (when you try to get one out, but can't!)

 

[chell]

Now that I'm on an antibiotic I'm afraid I'll have a story soon. Thankfully the roomie is gone this weekend. When my tummy started rumbling I was real glad she was leaving.

 

[Shugardrawers]

Well it was bound to happen someday. Little Petey, the light of my life, joy of my world, mamma's little baby...farted. I'm so ashamed. He's never done this before! No, really, he's never done this. If he does they are silent and don't stink anyway. Mommy and Daddy were feeling kinda...romantical and little Petey was snuggled on his blankie at the foot of the bed, nothing unusual there, we always apparently need a chaperone. Then, it happened. Loud, long and SMELLY and it came from the foot of the bed!! And this time it wasn't Dh trying to blame it on him, it really was him!! Needless to say my hysterical laughter and continued giggling thanks to this thread did nothing for Dh's ego and the mood was broken. Gee...thanks Pete.

 

[Laurajean1014]

How about the "fart sequence" on White Chicks?"

There are two different ones......my 9.5 yo and I can't stop laughing.....

basting in the ambiance, basting in the ambiance.

 

[discoduck]

My brothers dd6 always says somebody blew a duck whistle or calls them barking spiders (I wonder where she learned that }




Farts are funny

 

[philaround]

Three WDW trips back I started bringing Gas-X as part of my Emergency Medical Stash. I would hate to be behind me at WDW if I had not been using the Gas-X as they were deadly enough with the Gas-X.

The worst for me was once at work. I had gone out to the warehouse to check on some stock and when I turned down the aisle I started letting one go with every footstep. I just could not stop them coming. If I stopped walking so did the toots but as soon as I took another step out came another. They were very silent and very, very deadly. I was seriously considering hanging a sign at the beginning of the aisle that said:

WARNING FART MINE FIELD AHEAD

 

[landmark]

My grandma always said "Better out than in"

These stories are so funny!

Thanks everyone for sharing.

I also have a story a couple of days after DD was born we were at MIL's and I needed to change DD's diaper... I laid her on the floor, and changed her. When I bent over to pick her up I swear it came out of nowhere! It was the loudest thing ever. I'm afraid I even tried to play it off badly like nothing happened... but I'm sure that one was heard in the next county. Fortunatly it wasn't noxious just loud... hows that for looking at the bright side.

 

[Jen_in_NH]

another fart story from work...

I work with a bunch of kids with neurobehavioral issues. One of them today was in the bathroom, and let out the longest loudest fart I've ever heard from a 9 year old. The rest of the staff and I are rolling on the floor laughing. We heard the toilet flush, but never heard the sink, so we reminded him to wash his hands. He yells out at us "I didn't get anything on my hands, it was just farts!" I thought I was never going to stop laughing, and he couldn't figure out what we were laughing at.

Jen

 

[Disney1fan2002]

lol! This from a person whose DH and kids thinks she makes no umm I can't even say the word ...OMG here I go again, the dog thinks I'm having fits or something!

Are you my MOTHER???

We swore growing up that our mother was the only human on earth who had never "broke wind" (her phrase for passing gas).

We eventually found out she would go into the bathroom and relieve herself.

 

[epcotfan]

I can't believe I am admitting this but....


I have a book that's a Dictionary of Farts from A-Z.

My favorites are the Sofa Fart (the one you try to hide deep in the cushions) and the Gambled But Lost Fart (when you try to get one out, but can't!)

SO DO I! In fact I have two different editions! LOL
Edited to add: I sold one copy on Ebay. It wasn't you who bought it was it? LOL.

 

[BethanyF]

My sister and I are sitting in the car. I tried to hold it in the best I could, but it got away. There was nothing my sister could do. The windows needed to stay up, or water would get in. She was pounding on the windows, screaming for him to hurry up, all the while gagging. I was laughing so hard. She was a prisoner to my fart.

ok, this story totally sent me over the edge

When Danny Bonaduce was on the radio in Chicago he used to talk about 'dutch ovens' One member of a couple would let one loose in bed and then pull the covers over their partner's head so they got inhaling the fumes.

 

[Yzma and Kronk]

OK, I am still giggling. Yes, I am the 37 yo who still laughs at "fart" jokes in movies.

This morning, I am out running some errands. I call Dh to see if he wants me to pick up lunch.The cell phone battery dies on me. So I use the phone feature I have with On-Star. I hit the white button, and the female voice says "On-Star ready" JUST as she is saying that, I pass some gas. Since it was only me in the car, I didn't hold back, of you know what I mean. The voice immediately says "good bye" and hangs up!!!!

OMG, I was laughing so hard, I had tears. I am sure if the computer knew how to say "how rude" it would of!

I'm surprised the computer didn't say "Pardon" like she always says to me!

This thread is too funny - gotta love a good "fart" story!

 

[Amapola]

He yells out at us "I didn't get anything on my hands, it was just farts!"

Sooooo cute!! And of course it reminded me of a "poem" I read on a bathroom wall in Niagara Falls waaaay back in the 70's:

Here I sit
All broken hearted
Came to s**t
And only farted

 

[Lil' Debbie]

This reminds me when I used to work in a small deli. I was making sandwiches and my father-in-law came in for a breakfast sandwich. (I knew I was going to be in trouble with his co-workers, but just did not realize the extent.)
Now picture this: Eggs, done just right; bacon, crispy-not burnt; cheese, melted perfectly; and roll, buttered and lighty toasted (crunchy on the outside and warm and moist on the inside) . This was a recipe for disaster!!
Well he took his sandwich and went to work. All was well or so I thought. He later informed me that my life was in jeopardy and here's why. After enjoying his sandwich, it took no time for that "baby" to hit rock bottom. He said he progressively got worse with each passing so much so that he was banished to work alone--OUTSIDE!! They demanded to know who had fed him and what he had eaten. He graciously gave out that information. I was later informed that if I ever made that for him again, they would drive over the bridge to kick my ###. Needless to say, I have never made that sandwich for him since! Just wanted to add something!

 

[laurie31]

I have a fart joke - I read it yesterday and I think I found it so funny because of this thread. Anyway, here it is

A nun is in the airport waiting for her flight to Chicago. Near her gate is a scale that also tells your fortune. She decides to give it a try. She puts in a quarter and the scale prints out a piece of paper. It says: You weigh 126 pounds. You are a nun. You are going to Chicago.

The nun is amazed and decides to try it again. This time the paper says: You weigh 126 pounds and you are going to play the violin. Well, the nun thought that was silly, she didn't even have her violin with her. A little later, a passenger came along with a violin and was practicing. He asked if she played and she performed a short song. Then she remembered the scale and was doubly amazed. She went back to try again. The paper read: You weigh 126 pounds and you are about to fart. She was indignant. She had never passed gas in public in her life. Well, she tripped and fell off the scale and let loose the loudest fart ever. She was very embarrassed but also amazed at the scale's accurracy. She decided to try it one more time.

This time the paper said: You weigh 126 pounds. You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.

 

[deno2]

This happened about 20 years ago but still my favorite fart story, here goes:
It was a morning after a beer drinking college party and I had a tanning appointment. The tanning place that I went to was a combination exercise/tanning place for women. So I go in and I have a 20 minute appointment in the stand up tanner. Well, any of you that have had the day after beer farts, knows just how stinky they are. I went into the stand up tanner and realized that there were fans that sucked the hot air out of the tanner. I had gas cramps so bad that I thought, "Hey, who will know, no one can here it over the fans and the bad smell will be sucked out." I proceeded to pass gas for the next 20 minutes while tanning. When I came out of the tanner and walked through the exercise section of the salon, I realized where all of the fan sucked air went, (the smell just about knocked me over). This whole group of exercising women were gagging and complaining about the sewer smell. The manager had called a plumber to see what was wrong with their septic system. Needless to say, I scooted out as quickly as possible and never went back to tan there ever again.
deno

 

[Beca]

This happened about 20 years ago but still my favorite fart story, here goes:
It was a morning after a beer drinking college party and I had a tanning appointment. The tanning place that I went to was a combination exercise/tanning place for women. So I go in and I have a 20 minute appointment in the stand up tanner. Well, any of you that have had the day after beer farts, knows just how stinky they are. I went into the stand up tanner and realized that there were fans that sucked the hot air out of the tanner. I had gas cramps so bad that I thought, "Hey, who will know, no one can here it over the fans and the bad smell will be sucked out." I proceeded to pass gas for the next 20 minutes while tanning. When I came out of the tanner and walked through the exercise section of the salon, I realized where all of the fan sucked air went, (the smell just about knocked me over). This whole group of exercising women were gagging and complaining about the sewer smell. The manager had called a plumber to see what was wrong with their septic system. Needless to say, I scooted out as quickly as possible and never went back to tan there ever again.
deno

Okay....THAT is hilarious!!! My DH has such notoriously bad farts (I swear there is something wrong with that man's intestines!) that whenever we drive by an especially stinky area, he feels COMPELLED to say, "That's not me".



Beca

 

[Kimberly]

Okay, I'll my own story of embarrassment.

I had a touch of food poisoning, and had retired to the bathroom to "clear the pipes".

Just as I had a very loud emission, that was oderiferous enough to peel paint off the walls, the cat had nosed in to see what all the commotion was...the poor kitty gave me look something like and RAN.

Couple of minutes later, my DS was asking me through the bathroom door why the poor cat was hiding in the basement, and gagging...

OMG! Having a pet I know exactly how you feel! So funny!

 

[chell]

This happened about 20 years ago but still my favorite fart story, here goes:
It was a morning after a beer drinking college party and I had a tanning appointment. The tanning place that I went to was a combination exercise/tanning place for women. So I go in and I have a 20 minute appointment in the stand up tanner. Well, any of you that have had the day after beer farts, knows just how stinky they are. I went into the stand up tanner and realized that there were fans that sucked the hot air out of the tanner. I had gas cramps so bad that I thought, "Hey, who will know, no one can here it over the fans and the bad smell will be sucked out." I proceeded to pass gas for the next 20 minutes while tanning. When I came out of the tanner and walked through the exercise section of the salon, I realized where all of the fan sucked air went, (the smell just about knocked me over). This whole group of exercising women were gagging and complaining about the sewer smell. The manager had called a plumber to see what was wrong with their septic system. Needless to say, I scooted out as quickly as possible and never went back to tan there ever again.
deno

 

[Lil' Debbie]

this story comes from my hubby. It's about him and his brother, NJ Mike.

Back in the mid '70's, my future hubby (tom) and his brother Mike are taken to McDonalds by their mother for a nice little dinner. It was crowded of course, and they all sat in those old booths with the hard plastic seats.

Well, one of them let what my hubby refers to as a "Screaming Meanie" errupt from their buttocks. There was dead silence in the place as everyone stopped talking in amazement to what they've just heard and were about to smell.

First the couple right next to them got up and left, then the second table got up, and so on. As the third table was about to leave, my hubby to be, feeling the oncoming embarrassment, screams "Ew Mom! What the heck was that??" At that moment, Mom got up and made a beeline for the car as the chuckles grew louder around her.

What really got them into trouble is that they sat and ate their meal, then ate their mom's meal, all while she waited in the car, too embarrassed to come back in. It was their last trip to that McDonalds.

The real question, after all these years, is who really FARTED?? To this day, my hubby and his brother NJ mike still blame each other.