Ok, need strange family advice please...

[missy28]

And just before someone asks why I'm asking 70,000 people their opinion, it's because I value all opinions and need a good cross section.

Here's the situation: I was adopted as a baby, and my mom and dad are the best in the world. I was reunited with my birthmother last summer, and we have developed a pretty good friendship, although there are some days when I can't believe I'm from the same genepool. Well, she was 16 when I was born, and her mother, my biological grandmother, was very instrumental in her giving me up (which was a very good thing). But her mother is and has always been a very demeaning, overpowering bully of a woman. I have met her 3 times in the past year, and really don't care for the woman. I find her crass and unbearable. Well, she is in the hospital and is dying. They are unsure how long she has left. I have no desire to go visit her, and I am sure she doesn't expect a visit from me, but my question is, do I go to the funeral when she passes?

There are several members of the family who I haven't met yet, including one of my birthmother's sisters, and I just feel like if I go, people will be looking at me like a freakshow, and as if I don't belong (and I don't feel like I belong). But, is there some strange obligation I have to attend the service? I don't align myself with their family, and I don't consider myself a member. Any thoughts?

 

[grinningghost]

Tough one. Because you seem like such a good, levelheaded person, I think maybe you should take the high road and go. You don't have to stay long, just pop in, pay your respects, sign the book and quietly leave.

This way you won't wonder forever whether or not you should have gone.

 

[NMAmy]

Can you ask your birthmother what she thinks? Maybe it would give her some support at a difficult time.

But if you're uncomfortable, I'd say don't even offer to go. I don't think you're obligated to attend the funeral of someone you've only met 3 times--and that was demeaning at those times.

 

[TEENEE]

I can relate to your story but I won't eleborate because it wouldn't serve any purpose. I understand your reluctance to go and meet your family under those circumstances. Don't feel like you are obligated to go for your grandmother. If you are close to your birth mother you may want to go to support her. This is one of those times I think it's best to follow your heart.

 

[dumboiu]

Originally posted by missy28
Well, she is in the hospital and is dying. They are unsure how long she has left. I have no desire to go visit her, and I am sure she doesn't expect a visit from me, but my question is, do I go to the funeral when she passes?

WHY?????? If you have no desire to visit her when she is living, why on earth would you visit her when she is dead????

 

[J/T Gramdma]

You have to do what si in your heart. Will going Help your birth mother who is the only one of that family that matters.? ask yourself the question if knowing and meeting this family is what you want? If you decide to go you also have to ask yourself is this a one time meeting or willyou meet the sister of your birth mother and want to continue a connection. disney pixie dust on making a decesion but as you know you will have to make and live with your feeling from this event. good luck

 

[HollyJoy]

You know, this is a hard one to figure out, but I believe that family comes first. I know that you haven't been close to your Grandmother (since you didn't even know her), and you said she isn't very nice, but still, she's your Grandmother. If you don't go, will you regret it later? Do you think your birthmom would want you there? Probablly. I say take the high road and go.

 

[missy28]

The visit isn't for HER, since she would, by definition of it being a funeral, be DEAD.... it is for support of my birthmother. I love her very much, and she is the one who has been bearing the burden of her mother's illness (the 3 other sisters are either unable or unwilling to help), so if I were to go, I would go to support her. I think what I'm reluctant about is it turning into some freakshow of the "given away" child showing up at this extended family gathering... everyone knows about me, knows I was given up for adoption, and I think i am just concerned that it would deter people from paying respects to her and be distracted by my presence. That sounds sort of arrogant, and I don't mean it that way... but it seems like unless you are an adopted kid, it may be a difficult thing to understand. Thanks for all the support, and she hasn't passed away yet, thankfully (she's not in any pain, thankfully), so I have time to decide. I've asked my birthmother, and she will only tell me to do what I feel comfortable doing.

 

[TigerBear]

If you don't consider yourself a member of their family, I think you have absolutely no obligation to attend this funeral. If I didn't want to go, I wouldn't go. The way I see it this woman is not your grandmother. I would send a memorial or plant.

 

[nemo1987]

Originally posted by grinningghost
Tough one. Because you seem like such a good, levelheaded person, I think maybe you should take the high road and go. You don't have to stay long, just pop in, pay your respects, sign the book and quietly leave.

This way you won't wonder forever whether or not you should have gone.

i agree with grinningghost. this way you would be paying your respects out of the kindness in your heart. good luck with your decision. to you!!
**Sarah**

 

[danacara]

I think I'd probably do a quick run through the wake, probably very early before it gets crowded, and skip the funeral. That way you've done your part and since you can sign into the book, there's a record of it. You'll come off looking very classy.

 

[TigerBear]

After reading your last post...Your birth mom will still need support in the weeks to follow.

Your parents definitely raised you right. You are a loving and thoughtful person.

 

[vald1977]

If you are uncomfortable attending, I see no reason why you are obligated to go. I would send a nice card to your birth mother and make sure to visit her at her home to be there for her during this hard time. I agree that your attendance at the funeral would probably be a distraction. As long as you find a way to support your birth mom, you have done what you need to, imo.

 

[Mimi Q]

I'm sorry I don't really have any advice, but it sounds like a tough decision. I agree with the other posters, follow your heart.

 

[Stepharoonie!]

My biological grandmother left her children one day and never came back. She left 2 girls and 3 boys with an abusive and alcoholic father to take care of them, and made ZERO contact with them through the years. My mom tried hard to find her and just couldn't.

Earlier this year, my uncle found her in Melbourne. My mom was, of course, overjoyed and wanted my sister, my daughter and myself to go and meet her. To be completely honest, I didn't want to. Here was a woman who never wanted to do anything with us and never even told my mother that she was sorry she abandoned her. That's exactly what she did, too...she acted like she was going shopping that day and just never came back.

My sister met with her, not really by choice, and her new husband. I never did. I couldn't call this woman my grandmother, nor did I want to adknowledge her as that. She died a few days after Valentine's Day, and my mother was completely distraught. They never talked about why she left or what she had done those 30-35 years.

My sister got to have her car because she made an effort to have them as grandparents. I just couldn't make myself call her grandma when she was never there for our family.

 

[missy28]

Thanks for all the kind words and good thoughts... things like this are never easy. I talk with my birthmother everyday, and keep telling her if she needs anything to let me know. I did manage to draw up a living will, healthcare directive, and power of atty for her (I'm a lawyer) so at least I've helped a little that way...

I think the wake idea is a good one-- I think only immediate family wil be there, so it wouldn't be as much to handle for everyone.