NY area Dis'ers who pays for bridal shower? Update 12/10/15 original post

[barbarabini]

Northern - nj here

Had it both ways -
13 years ago, for my shower, my mother paid for the event at a restaurant. The bridal party was comprised of my underage siblings and one friend still in law school. So, she decided to pay for it so that it wouldnt be a burden to the one non-family member (and she was going to shoulder the cost for my sisters anyway).

My friend who recently was married had five friends and no family in the bridal party. We all divided up the cost. We also were much older too (30's instead of early 20s).

 

[js]

I am a future Mother of the groom- (next year) I am giving my son/dil a gift of cash to be used for the wedding/honeymoon/whatever. It's all I have to give them. I pray no one asks me to pay for the bridal shower. ACK!

That is wonderful and congratulations to you that your ds is getting married.
I know you say you are giving them cash and they can do what they wish with it but the mother of the groom is expected to pay for the rehersal dinner. My mil threw my rehersal dinner at her home but my friend just hosted one at a restaurant.

Happy planning with your son and future dil.

 

[2girls4me]

My mom paid for the majority of mine. My mil "helped".

 

[Kellydelly]

Whoever agrees to host it should pay for it, whether it's the mom, the sister, the aunt, the friend...whoever! If the hostess can get other people to agree to chip in, good for her . I do not think that anyone in the bridal party should have to pay for it, at least not more than $50 or so. Shoot, my sister hosted mine, and all of my sisters brought a dish to pass, and so did my two bridesmaids. I don't think anyone spent more than a few dollars (it was at the hostess' home). Weddings these days seem to be such a burden to the people participating .

 

[Swan4Me]

That is wonderful and congratulations to you that your ds is getting married.
I know you say you are giving them cash and they can do what they wish with it but the mother of the groom is expected to pay for the rehersal dinner. My mil threw my rehersal dinner at her home but my friend just hosted one at a restaurant.

Happy planning with your son and future dil.

Agreed-I've been to both-at home and at a venue
We will host our son's rehearsal dinner this fall-and it will be at a restaurant as we live in another state

 

[NJtoATL]

Married almost 16 years. Shower and wedding were in NJ. The bridal party paid. All the weddings I have been in (all in NJ expect one), the bridal party has paid for it.

I moved to the south almost 12 years ago. I'm still not sure how things are done here in the south...... It's not like the NY/NJ area.

 

[Sora777]

I got married on LI in 2010. Mother of Bride hosts the party. Usually bridal party will help with centerpieces and games. Most bridal parties simply cant afford to host it.

More often then not, (ive seen with my friends and myself) the invite is made to look like the bridal party is hosting but its really mother of the bride footing the bill.

 

[jujube]

Married almost 16 years. Shower and wedding were in NJ. The bridal party paid. All the weddings I have been in (all in NJ expect one), the bridal party has paid for it.

I moved to the south almost 12 years ago. I'm still not sure how things are done here in the south...... It's not like the NY/NJ area.

In the south, it is considered poor etiquette for the mother to host the shower. It's looked upon as "Give my daughter presents." Most often, it's the bridal party, friends or maybe cousins or aunts or a combination of those groups who host the showers. Some are huge and some are smaller. Some couples or brides have several and some choose to have one.

 

[aprilgail2]

Whoever agrees to host it should pay for it, whether it's the mom, the sister, the aunt, the friend...whoever! If the hostess can get other people to agree to chip in, good for her . I do not think that anyone in the bridal party should have to pay for it, at least not more than $50 or so. Shoot, my sister hosted mine, and all of my sisters brought a dish to pass, and so did my two bridesmaids. I don't think anyone spent more than a few dollars (it was at the hostess' home). Weddings these days seem to be such a burden to the people participating .

LOL---the shower I went to yesterday was 50.00 a head ( I know because I have had parties at this same place!)--there were 52 women there. The parents paid for the engagement party which was also a big affair-everyone invited to the wedding was at the engagement party so there was 100+ people there and it was in a banquet room. In all honestly I wish things were a bit more scaled down here but certainly not punch mints and cake type scaled down or pot luck scaled down!

 

[Swan4Me]

That's how much the one I'm going to this summer is-I looked on the venue's website

 

[mjkacmom]

I got married on LI in 2010. Mother of Bride hosts the party. Usually bridal party will help with centerpieces and games. Most bridal parties simply cant afford to host it.

More often then not, (ive seen with my friends and myself) the invite is made to look like the bridal party is hosting but its really mother of the bride footing the bill.

This is very common, and what my mom did. My bridal party consisted of my sister (who lived 800 miles away), my SIL (500 miles away), my HS bff (over 1000 miles away), and my college bff (a few towns over, saving for a house). Oh, and a junior bridesmaid (DH's step niece, 15), 500 miles away.

My mom had it at her (large) home (which is what I wanted - most have showers at restaurants), and the girls helped her with what they could, but she also paid for everything (she had the money, and would never accept money from those who really didn't have it to spare).

My bridal party certainly wasn't practical, but they represented all of the important people in my life.

 

[wishesuponastar]

This is very common, and what my mom did. My bridal party consisted of my sister (who lived 800 miles away), my SIL (500 miles away), my HS bff (over 1000 miles away), and my college bff (a few towns over, saving for a house). Oh, and a junior bridesmaid (DH's step niece, 15), 500 miles away.

My mom had it at her (large) home (which is what I wanted - most have showers at restaurants), and the girls helped her with what they could, but she also paid for everything (she had the money, and would never accept money from those who really didn't have it to spare).

My bridal party certainly wasn't practical, but they represented all of the important people in my life.

Now that sounds like a beautiful shower surrounded by your family and friends at your mom's house. It's nice that your family who lived so far away could be there for you.

 

[MrsPete]

Good manners are good manners everywhere.

Anyone -- coworkers, extended family, friends -- may throw a shower for the bride. Anyone EXCEPT the bride's immediate family.

Here people tend to have multiple showers: Perhaps one at church, one at work, one for family. Since I married a man whose family was 4 hours away, I had two family showers. But showers aren't an expensive affair: They're held at someone's house or at church or in the break room at work, and they entail good snacks but not meals.

 

[leebee]

Boy, are weddings getting out of hand! Who can afford to have one OR go to one, with big engagement parties in restaurants, bridal shower in restaurants, destination weddings, etc.?!

Around here, whoever HOSTS the shower PAYS for the shower. It is considered tacky for the MOB to host this event, or even both bride's and groom's moms. Some brides have several showers, as not everyone is necessarily invited to any specific shower. My SILs (who were bridesmaids) had a shower for us, inviting DH's side of the family. It was a surprise party during the family's annual 4th of July BBQ, which was nice; all the in-laws and some of DH's high school pals were there, and everyone enjoyed burgers and hot dogs in my sil's backyard. SILs paid for it. My sisters (MOH and bridesmaid) held one for me here on the east coast; family members, friends from school and growing up, etc. attended; it was at my sister's home. My sisters paid for it, and it was finger sandwiches, cheese trays, fruit/veggie trays, etc. My friends from work held a shower for me, it was friend's home, everyone did pot luck; all work friends, male or female, were invited after work one Friday. SOME of my wedding guests weren't at a shower, as they weren't part of the group that hosted a particular shower.

Also traditionally around here, groom's family pays for rehearsal dinner, bride's family pays for wedding and reception. Having said that, DH and I paid for everything (1993 wedding), including cabins on the ocean so his family from the midwest could attend (our invitation to them- told them that if they could get here, we'd put them up!). Sister and BIL gave me my wedding cake as a wedding present, and a friend who is a terrific photographer gave us his services, and prints of the photos, as a present. My mom was in no financial shape to pay for a wedding.. but offered us $250 and a ladder that reached my bedroom window if we'd elope!

 

[Sora777]

Also now, more couples are footing the bills of their weddings when traditionally it had been the brides parents. DH & I paid for our weddings ourselves. My mom paid for my dress and shower. We didnt have a rehearsal dinner.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Never in my life have I been to a bridal shower that was paid for by the bridal party/bridesmaids. Ever.

The shower was always paid for by the mother-of-the bride....but the bridesmaids would organize the whole thing such as games and party favours.

Keep in mind all of the bridal showers i've attended were always at banquet halls and restaurants, never in a person's home.

 

[Metsfan520]

I was in 2 bridal parties for my 2 sisters. All the showers were in our house, but even so, the bridal party couldn't afford to pay for the showers. So my mom paid for the showers. And you know what? It might not have been good manners but no-one who was invited cared. The bridal parties did a lot of the work--we cooked & cleaned before the showers & did the clean-up after it--but my mom paid for the showers. And I'm sure it was the same thing for my NY cousins as well.

OP, since your daughter isn't even engaged yet, I wouldn't worry too much. You never know, she could have a bridal party that makes lots of money & can pay for the shower themselves. Or maybe your daughter doesn't want a shower.

 

[Natalie's Mommy]

i got married 8 years ago and my husband's aunt and cousins hosted and paid for my bridal shower. they insisted and it was small but fun, and since i didn't know his extended family very well it was a very nice of them and really helped build the relationship.

i was a bridesmaid 6 years ago and the mother of the bride paid for everything. 2 years ago when i was a bridesmaid again the bridesmaid paid for and did everything.

 

[Swan4Me]

Good manners are good manners everywhere.

Anyone -- coworkers, extended family, friends -- may throw a shower for the bride. Anyone EXCEPT the bride's immediate family.

Here people tend to have multiple showers: Perhaps one at church, one at work, one for family. Since I married a man whose family was 4 hours away, I had two family showers. But showers aren't an expensive affair: They're held at someone's house or at church or in the break room at work, and they entail good snacks but not meals.

Well just because you have snacks in a break room doesn't
Mean those who have elegant sit down luncheons are practicing
Bad manners because YOU say so

 

[WicketsMom]

In the south, it is considered poor etiquette for the mother to host the shower. It's looked upon as "Give my daughter presents." Most often, it's the bridal party, friends or maybe cousins or aunts or a combination of those groups who host the showers. Some are huge and some are smaller. Some couples or brides have several and some choose to have one.

Where I am from, the above is true.

I have co-hosted showers for friends even if I wasn't in the bridal party, and also chipped in on them when I was in the wedding. Most are still held in homes or at a country club or other rented venue, but I have been to a couple that were held in a restaurant. At those each person picked up the tab for their own dinner and drinks.

Of course most of my friends either got married right out of college when no one had an abundance of extra money to spend, or much later in life when they don't want to burden friends with such high costs.

I'm glad I only have a boy so I don't have to worry about what the tradition will be by the time he gets married!