NOW is the time! It's MINE & I AM WORTH IT! (friends welcome to tag along!!)

[DisDee]

Hey Julie, where are you? We miss you!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Julie, I am worried about you, hope all is well. Come back soon we miss you.

 

[keenercam]

Julie -- I have been thinking of you and hoping all is well in your world and that you are just too busy to get here. I hope your sister's biopsies were negative and that you can spend quality time in Florida having a good time, rather than helping everyone cope with a difficult situation.
I just wanted to say hello and to remind you that you have friends who are wishing the best for you even when you can't get here.

 

[goldcupmom]

I'm here, everyone, but entered the 'blue funk' world & had to kind of step back from life. I was last on here 10/1 & it seems years. This has been a LONG month.

First off, both of DSis' biopsies came back normal. And, yes, I still have hives. Today marks 3 months and I have not had a 'hive-free' day.

I started getting really blue about not going to FL, but understood that DD had things to accomplish, I really didn't want to go alone, & really didn't want to spend the money. But, I really need the break. Oh well.

Early in the month DH started in on his " I'm have bad knees & need replacement, I can't walk down the stair, I can't lift anything, I can't stand for long, my back hurts, etc" and it was and is driving me NUTS! He just turned 51. Yes, he has a bad knee. Yes, he has spinal stenosis for which they gave him exercises that he does not do. Yes, he had a heart attack 3 yrs ago, but hasn't changed his lifestyle. Yes, losing weight would help all, but hard to do when the only exercise you get is from the bed to the refrigerator. His inability is constant, but I get 'yelled' at for needing someone to check my back & put meds on my hives....but nothing is wrong with me.

Then, thankfully DSil1 who lives here got a job. Started on 10/5. On 10/8 the other DSil came for balloon fiesta. While driving to the 'glow' on 10/8, DSil1 turns around in the car & says to me "I guess you're the only LOSER now who doesn't have a job". Yes, it hurt! But it hurt even more that DH kept silent. Then the rest of the evening, I was the 4th wheel in total silence. Next morning, I get up & go walk Sashi & when I get back, DH says that DSil1 called & wanted him to take the 2 to the zoo. I was not asked. Later I met them for dinner w/ DD where she & I were again, left out. Saturday morning, I'm working on laundry & in the garage for the Gsale & DH says that DSil1 wants to take him out to lunch for nachos & margaritas. No mention of me. When she calls to tell him they are on the way, she says I can go if I want. Well, 5 min isn't long enough to shower & get ready, so no. I was an afterthought.

Then his birthday was on the 15th. I planned to celebrate on the 13th as that was the only night all 3 kids were home. Much more than my 2.5 min birthday 2 weeks late. I made sure to include DSil1. Said cake & presents at 7:45 & she said she would come. At 8:05 she called & said she couldn't because Hell's Kitchen was still on & oh, by the way, "you are keeping my dogs on Wed when I go out of town for work since you never have anything to do". So, late Wed after she is home DH phone is ringing while he is outside. I answered & it was DSil who was shocked I answered. Said she had been trying to call me to thank me for watching dogs. Funny, on his phone??? Gave it to him & he said she called to tell him she was taking him out for dinner/drinks/casino on 15th for his birthday - again not me. I had planned to bring home red lobster & cake as I needed to finish the garage for sale, & have that & watch a movie. Oh well....DD & I ended up getting subs, then I took her to work. About 7:30, DD called & was sick & I was headed to pick her up when DH walks in from dinner. Says I can't go get DD because DSil1 is in the car & I can't be rude as she wants to show me pictures. I told him DD was sick & DSil1 could wait. He got mad & ended up going to get DD. DSil1 showed me 3 pics of her ex-stepgranddaughter & spent the next 20 min going on & on about how wonderful dinner was & how maybe I should go there sometime. RUDE!

Had the sale 16th & 17th & did well. Lots of work, but worth it in the long run.

Sunday 18th DH again informed me that I was running 'doggie day care' on Monday & also over Thanksgiving. Lovely!

Then on 24th DH, DSil1 & I went to casino - had to because DSil1 needed cigarettes & didn't want to go alone. We always walk up to the drink counter 1st & I always get 2 bottles of water. Well, DH got there 1st & ordered his drink & for DSil1, but got me nothing & they then walked off.

Needless to say, I felt/feel very lonely, angry, unworthy, unloved, useless, etc over all this.

And then in the middle, DD had her meeting about graduation stuff. Her advisor called me because DD had the guts to ask if there was any way that she could just order TWO graduation announcements as all she had was me & my DSis in FL, and also asked if she could give away her tickets to grad as she had no one to attend. I was physically ill & heartbroken! I feel so bad that my kids never had grandparents they remember & truly have no family, of my 5 siblings & DH remaining 3, only my DSis in FL keeps in contact. And after 27 yrs of marriage, constantly moving, we/I have NO friends. And what is even sicker is that DH LIKES it this way!! DD says she isn't even inviting DSil1 who lives here as she has invited her to everything & there is always an excuse.

Then to top it off, DS20 car is still not right & we are having to fight with the shop that rebuilt the supposed high performance custom engine. It has NO power, leaks oil, burns oil & there was coolant on the block. And it has been back to them for about a month again. They have had the car more than we have this year.

And, DS20 hours at work are almost nothing & I am having to cover his tuition/bills. Then he sold the VW he redid to DD's boyfriend & is taking payments. DD & the BF ran out of gas, pushed it & then couldn't start it. DH went to help & instead of leaving it for DS20, tried to pop the clutch & broke the flywheel in the engine, and the clutch. So, after towing & repairs, we had a bill of almost $1100.....

DH pay cut was extended thru the end of the year...at least...and may become permanent. Our health insurance premium is like Obama's plan...the more you make the higher your premium & this next year DH is $4 over the upper limit, so our ins premium is going up almost 25% along with higher copays, new deductibles, etc.

Then DS20 tells me that starting in January he likely won't be able to work at all as he is doing an 'internship' type 1 yr program thru church, besides taking 18 hrs/semester & in Jan 2011 he will be able to become a pastor. Good, but bad...someone has to pay his bills. So, he now plans to put his car in storage & ride a bicycle everywhere. Which in reality means I will chauffer, but he claims not. He busses to school & church is only about 7 mi & there are bike lanes the whole way. The church thing is a great opportunity & what he wants, but the timing is tough on me financially.

And, in the midst of the garage sale set up, I send DD for my stapler & it doesn't work - this was on DH birthday. Open it up & there is a small, rolled up baggie & a cut straw in it. Obviously meth which I tell DH about, & he says he will talk to DS23. Who, of course says it must have been in there for YEARS as he doesn't do that anymore. Yeah, right. I filled the stapler for DD just over 2 weeks before & it was fine. And, he tried to say it must belong to DS20 or DD. And DH believes him. But somehow, he is always overdrawn, has no money to his name, the only bills he has is car ins, gas & cell, & he takes home almost 18k/yr. That money is going somewhere & he has NOTHING to show for it. HMMMMMMMMMM........

So, all that, plus the stupid economy, Obama crap, an old dog who really needs put down but DH won't (she can barely stand, sits to pee, & is losing bowel control all over my house), & then I sent DH to the Credit Union to refi his motorcycle which, unbeknownst to me, he put on a suzuki credit card which went to 29% interest and I told him to finance for as long as he could as I wanted a low payment as his cycle was going from $79/mo to $162/mo. Instead he financed short & the new pmt is $195/mo & he refuses to go redo it. UGH!!!!! That does NOT help the budget!! Add it all up, & I have been LOSING it!!

To add insult to injury, I am up about 10 lbs due to the stupid Zyrtec/benadryl/zantac cocktail I take daily. I have no motivation & all I want to do for many days is cry, but I had to keep going. My clothes are all really tight or don't fit, & all I want is chocolate!! And I haven't taken Sashi walking since before the gsale, it snowed today & the high temp in my house is 57 today as DH hasn't changed us over to heat yet. I really just want to crawl in a hole most of the time.

But, God is good, life goes on, & SLOWLY I am coming out of the funk. I really need to get back in control. I did quit WW, but am going to renew my BBugg subscription & hopefully be able to wear it & get going again in the right direction.

I dont' know when I will be able to go to FL, but have credit expiring in Feb. I just don't want to spend additional money right now, as the tuition is killing me. DD is now looking for another job as DQ is cutting hours like crazy. DS20 is in limbo & I am kind of looking, but nothing out there & just don't want to work at WalMart or McD's with a masters & make minimum wage.

I feel really bad that it seems I come here only to vent. Which is part of the reason I've been absent....but reading journals. But, I love you all & really thank God for each & every one of you daily! Some days, just knowing you are there has been my lifeline!

Sorry for the novella! I'll get to some journals soon!!

 

[eyor44]

Julie
No wonder you have hives. Look at all the stress in your life. I just don't know what to say about your DSIL. I had one like that a long time ago, a MIL also. Between the two I could never do anything right, neither could DS, and ex-DH never stood up for us.
What your DD told her advisor about graduation broke my heart.

come and vent all you want. We will be here for you.

 

[keenercam]

Julie -- I have never understood how one person can cope with all that you cope with. SiL is a witch and you can't let her opinion affect you -- do you really want someone like that admiring you? I'm sorry that you don't have a trip to FL planned right now since I think that would help your mindset so much. And I really wish there were something we could do to make your life easier. Just know that we are here and wishing you the best and there is no better place to vent. All you'll get here is love and support and encouragement and sympathy -- things that are woefully lacking in your house.

 

[lovinaz]

So sorry to hear of all the madness in your life lately! Hopefully you will get things straightened out and get out of your funk soon.

 

[traceycooper]

 

[toystoryduo]

OMG Julie! I am so sorry for all that you have been going through. You are an amazing, wonderful woman and you do not deserve to be treated the way you have been treated. Your SIL does not sounds like a nice person.

You know what? I think you should go to Florida. Make it an early Christmas present for yourself. You need some time away from the stresses at home. Maybe while you're in Florida, your family will come to understand exactly how much you do for them.

I wish there was something more I could do for you. Know that we are here for you, my friend, in good times and in bad. ALWAYS know that your WISH sisters have your back!

Sending our love and prayers your way.......

 

[goldcupmom]

Ok, Monday.....back on track....I HOPE!!!

11/1 -

2931 Cal burned
1149 Cal eaten
1782 Cal deficit
161 min mod. activity
12496 steps

Lots to try to accomplish today, but little motivation....surprise, surprise!
One at a time.....one foot in front of the other.........

Hope everyone had a safe, fun weekend! I WILL visit journals today!! (I hope!)

 

[toystoryduo]

The numbers from your BodyBugg look good, Julie! Keep up the good work!

Sending a gentle and lots of your way........

 

[Amy&Dan]

Julie, I am so sorry you are going through this. No one deserves this, you most of all.

It really made me sad and angry that dd said that about her graduation. Angry at family members who suck and don't bother to care about the ones they should care about the most.

As for ds23, your husband needs to get a grip. You have known for sometime that this is probably the case, the stapler thing is just the proof. Do whatever you have to do to keep you and dd and ds20 safe, even if it means calling the police. I am just heartbroken that this has happened again.

I hear you on the health insurance thing. We are bracing for the impact at our house. Just take it one day at a time, its our of your control.

That is great news about ds20, but I can only imagine what that is doing to your finances. But I know you must be proud.

As for the weight thing, give yourself a pass! Take it one day, one hour at at time. Antihistamines make you very groggy and tired, no wonder you haven't had much energy.

And I agree with Tracy: Go to Florida. Even if it means spending a bit of money. 20 years from now, that sum of money won't be a blip on your radar. I think having a trip to look forward to might be a great thing. Can you and dd go over MKL weekend? Maybe she can take a couple of extra days off school? You need something fun to focus on.

Just hang in there and never, EVER apologize for venting. We are here for you.

Oh yeah, your sil sounds like a female dog from hell. Sorry, but I think there is a place for people like her. She is just using her brother, your husband to get to you. Its pathetic. Frankly, after the way your birthday was handled, you should have made him a chocolate cake laced with Ex Lax and given his sister the biggest piece.

Just hang in there and know we all love you and care.

 

[goldcupmom]

Getting ready to walk Sashi in my small 'window of opportunity' but had to share my yesterday deal! If I had discovered this earlier in the week, it could have been dangerous!!

So, I spent $35.15 at Albertsons in 4 trips. Came home with:

32 large boxes of cereal - honey nut cheerios, cinnamon toast & lucky charms
6 boxes of granola bars,
2 boxes of fruit snacks
1 bag chips
1 bag cat treats
1 box fiber 1 pop tarts
1 bottle sparkling water
16 $12 movie tickets
$12 in albertson's cash on any order.

I think I rivalled Tracy!!!

Off to walk. Burn has been OK, but have been BAD with food(well, comparatively - too much chocolate cravings!!)

BTW, Amy & Tracy, I am thinking about FL over Thanksgiving, or MLK(forgot about that one). I'd really like to take DD on her birthday, but not sure of her finals schedule yet. Still trying to justify a trip. And also DSis is trying to get me to plan another cruise for next summer tho I'm not sure DH would go for it.

More later......

 

[Amy&Dan]

Julie,

I have to know, how the heck did you manage that at Albertsons? Details, details!

Enjoy your walk, hopefully NM is having the same warm trend we are, its nice here for sure!

FL over Thanksgiving would be nice, you could see the Christmas decorations. MLK is nice too, I don't think its that much over normal mid January crowds.

Keeping my fingers crossed it works out. Just book it and leave dh a note after you leave for the airport (just kidding). But seriously, you and your dd so deserve this, it may be your last trip with her before she's off to live her own life at college or whatever she decides to do!

Have a good day.

P.S. I have hives all over the back of my legs, how have you stood this for 3 months?

 

[toystoryduo]

So, I spent $35.15 at Albertsons in 4 trips. Came home with:

32 large boxes of cereal - honey nut cheerios, cinnamon toast & lucky charms
6 boxes of granola bars,
2 boxes of fruit snacks
1 bag chips
1 bag cat treats
1 box fiber 1 pop tarts
1 bottle sparkling water
16 $12 movie tickets
$12 in albertson's cash on any order.

I think I rivalled Tracy!!!

WOW Julie!!!! That is an AMAZING shopping trip! That is way better than any deal I have ever done! Way to go!!!!!

I hope you get to go to Florida, Julie. You could really use some time away in the happiest place on earth.

Have a great day!

 

[traceycooper]

hope the FL trip comes off Julie, you deserve it

well done on the shpping trip

 

[goldcupmom]

FL trip is still a maybe for Thanksgiving....we want to go shop, but DSis says the crowds are ridiculous. You stand in line to get into each store w/ security allowing you in based on who is coming out. Hmmmmmm...........

Still eating WAY too much junk, but at least I'm counting it:

11/2

2624 cal burned
1339 cal eaten
1285 deficit
113 m activity
13780 steps

11/3

2511 cal burned
1710 cal eaten
801 deficit
88 m activity
11507 steps

11/4

2557 cal burned
1022 cal eaten
1535 deficit
128 m activity
14402 steps

11/5

2601 cal burned
1370 cal eaten
1231 deficit
135 m activity
9625 steps

Still trying to get back in the swing of things here. Too many loose ends & little annoyances to get on track. Hopefully this weekend will help.

Have a GREAT weekend all!!

Dee.....how is that granddaughter?????

 

[lovinaz]

Your calories look pretty good, you can't be eating that much junk!

I hope things are settling down for you so you can get back into a healthy routine. And I hope you are able to get to FL in a couple weeks!

 

[toystoryduo]

Sending some your way. I hope the Florida trips works out. I think a vacation and some time away would be such a blessing for you.

Your calories look pretty good. Keep up the good work!

Hope you have a great weekend!

 

[Lesli54]

Sending you lots of and a few miracles.

Just when I was thinking that I had a lot of stress in my life lately....whew....your update wore me out. I think that the hives could easily be stress. You have tried many tests and the only constant is the stress. I have a friend that had hives for a length of time and they never found the cause, but she too was stressed.

It is unfortunate that you have to deal with so much from your DH, DSil and older son. I give you alot of credit for all the strength that you must have to manage through. I can understand your concern that your children do not have much family. Mine don't either. My children have 1 great grandma, 1 grandpa, and 1 grandma. Only my mother lives close by, but she has only been her in the last few years. Everyone else is further away. My DH has 2 brothers and 1 sister, of which the kids really know 1 of the brothers who is our neighbor and works with us. My sister and brothers are farther away and we only see each other a few times a year. It has always saddened me that my children never really experienced what it is like to have grandparents around or cousins to play with. As for friends, well...I understand that too. Mine end up going seperate ways for many reasons. I never thought I would be in my 40's with no friends. So let's say that you and I agree to be there for each other when we can.

It is good that your DS20 has some goals even though it will be tough financially. In the meantime, just have a little faith and it will work out.

I am glad to see that you are trying to get back on track. Take it one day at a time and you will make it.