Not invited to neighbor's party - advice please!

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

I have close friends who do not invite me to all their parties so I certainly wouldn't expect my neighbors to invite me to every one they have. Just because I know a person does not automatically mean I am included in every social gathering they put on for the rest of time.

Personally, if I was your neighbor I would see your reaction as a sign that I was right not to invite you in the first place and I certainly wouldn't be planning on going to your party even if I did get an invitation.

 

[Cooky]

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[Wishing on a star]

One set is right next to us: we can each see comings and goings of each other, the husband is very friendly and comes over to chat all the time, and the youngest daughter is at our house a LOT to play with my daughter.

So, the wife is not coming over and/or being genuinely friendly....
And the husband does... as well as the girl.

I'm not sure what the wife's story is. She definitely wears the pants in the family, and my husband has always said he thinks she is very jealous.

Wow.....

I am not going to assume jealousy...
But, in your own way, you have just hit the nail on the head.
The wife definitely has some issues or problems with being 'friends' with you.
No question...
I think you have to accept that.

Letting the girls play is one thing,
But inviting you over to a social gathering as a 'friend', if there is jealousy or any other animosity,
is a whole different thing.

As everybody else just said...
You have already missed 'the high road' and you are firmly in a ditch.
You need to see and admit, right now, that your actions in the confrontation were very, very, wrong.

I think you are just going to accept this situation with the wife.
For now.

Maybe in a while, you, and your husband, can try to see if there is any issue that you can help to address....
Whether it is jealousy, or whatever it is....
Maybe this woman just has her own 'issues'... Whatever....

But, for now...
Whether they choose to come over to your party or not...
(be very, VERY, wary if the DH comes over and makes excuses for his wife's absence!!!)
I think you are going to have to let this go.

I don't know if there is any positive way to address this at this very moment, since the snubbing and chewing out are still 'fresh'.

I think the one thing that you need to learn from this, and repeat to yourself over, and over, and over...
Remember, you cannot change another persons attitudes or actions... But you must be responsible for your own.

 

[focusondisney]

Yes, it's possible that they were inconsiderate (although we don't know the reasons/circumstances of the party.)

However, you demonstrated an unwarranted sense of entitlement to his party and then, based on your opinion that you had a right to be included, went over, lost your temper and chewed him a new one. Really? Assuming this kind of thinking and behaving is not a sudden, one-time change of personality for you, I think I can guess why you weren't invited in the first place.

Agree with you about the OP's sense of entitlement & her actions. But I don't think the neighbors were inconsiderate in not inviting them. Their party, their guest list. The only inconsiderate thing I see is them having their DD go to OP's house while they got ready, if that's what happened. If the OP's DD initiated that play date, they get a pass on that.

You obviously do not like the wife so I don't understand why it means so much to you to go to each other's parties. She probably gets a feeling from you about what you think of her, so she does not want to be around you. Just because your children play with each other does not mean the families have to be close friends.

They are not obligated to invite your children to a party at their house. You should use this as a learning lesson for your children, that they are not going to be invited to every party they are aware of. I hope you rethink how you feel about this family and what you think they owe you and your children.

At this point, I can't imagine that the neighbors want to have any sort of close relationship with you after the way you spoke to the husband. You need to accept they do not want to be close friends with your family and let it alone.

Great post! Agree with you on all points! Sorry OP, but get over yourself. There is a difference between being friends & being acquaintences. These people obviously don't consider you to be friends. That is their right. You have no right to dictate their social life or guest list. I'm pretty sure your actions have already convinced them that they are right to keep their distance. Hope your DD didn't just lose a friend.

 

[goofy!]

My husband and I invited them. I called the other neighbors and sent and email to the ones who didn't invite us. The people they invited are the usual set of friends that are at parties. I know them all since we ask each other since we are friends and we know them from trick-or-treating together etc. What is rude, is not inviting at least my kids. My two youngest play with the daughter all the time. In fact, the afternoon of the party, she came over to play (now we realize so her parents could get ready for the party). At the last snub (not inviting to the b-day party) I said nothing, which is why I think they think a repeat of the same is okay. I was very matter of fact "our kids play together every day, you come over all the time to have a beer, chat, etc., yet we are snubbed." I'm not sure what the wife's story is. She definitely wears the pants in the family, and my husband has always said he thinks she is very jealous. Anyway, they are invited. We'll see what happens.
Me dh ds 11 ds 9 dd 7

Why in the world would you expect somebody having a big party to invite 3 children, ages 11, 9 and 7 to a party that their parents were not invited to? If they did invite just the children, they would then also be responsible for babysitting the children. I would not expect somebody to take that responsibility on if they were also hosting a party. Why would they take on the extra work and responsibility of your children? It is really beginning to sound more and more like you do have a sense of entitlement to their parties.

I would not view neighborhood trick and treating, neighborhood kids playing together or a friendly neighbor chats as being indicative of being good friends. Have you ever had the neighbors over for dinner? Have you ever done anything with them as couples?


And since you still do not know why the party was held, you actually do not know that your children should have been invited.

 

[Ceila]

What is rude, is not inviting at least my kids.

You think they should have invited just your kids? Then they would have to be responsible for your children during the party. Sorry, but if I don't want to invite the parents, I'm not going to invite the kids and then have to be responsible for them myself.

I don't think that confronting the dad was appropriate at all. You could have simply explained to your children that even though they play with some people, it does not mean that they are automatically going to be invited to every party they have. It could have been a good teaching moment; instead it sounds like it was a lesson in entitlement mentality.

 

[wtccheermom]

If you had the nerve to march up to him and chew him out over not inviting to you his party or his kids party who knows what else you feel entitled too so maybe that is why they don't invite you and your kids.
I also wanted to add just because kids play together outside in the neighborhood doesn’t mean they are close friends and really should stop taking all this personally.
I am not trying to be rude but your really need to step back and think about the boundries you just crossed with your neighbor.

 

[dakcp2001]

I agree with the others, take the high road and invite them.

Chances are they won't come anyway out of embarrassment (at least the wife) and you'll have shown them what class and grace looks like.

Enjoy your party

Class and grace doesn't quite go along with the marching over there and chewing someone out about not being invited to a party. All OP did was confirm to the neighbor why NOT to invite her. You are not entitled to an invite to anything ever. There is obviously more to the story or a history between these neighbors.

It is fine to be mad/ hurt about not getting an invite but OP was out of line to go over and yell at the guy.

 

[PeterPan&Wendy1970]

Well, yes, that would be weird to have the kids over and not us. At one point the little girl came into our yard with some of the party - goers to say hello to my daughter. It was just strange...I didn't let my daughter go over to the party because we weren't invited. And the neighbor came over our house yesterday to play while they were getting ready, not the other way around. Yes, we have been over to each others houses. Usually at night when the kids are in bed we'll sit on the deck to chat. We've had them over for dinner many times. Yes, I always go over to chat with the wife while outside or getting mail or whatever. I guess that's the puzzling part - why the neighbors on the other side were invited. I think that's what was so upsetting. And yes, I did have to explain to my children that we aren't always invited to everything. They of course noticed and asked why we weren't invited. It was strange for them, as we have been invited in the past. It was strange for me when the guests all waved and said hello to us in the yard....we know these people from the other parties. So, I guess I know where we stand (should have figured that out after dd wasn't invited to the neighbor's birthday party). Just a bummer.
Me dh ds 11 ds 9 dd 7

 

[Magic Mom]

My husband and I invited them. I called the other neighbors and sent and email to the ones who didn't invite us. The people they invited are the usual set of friends that are at parties. I know them all since we ask each other since we are friends and we know them from trick-or-treating together etc. What is rude, is not inviting at least my kids. My two youngest play with the daughter all the time. In fact, the afternoon of the party, she came over to play (now we realize so her parents could get ready for the party). At the last snub (not inviting to the b-day party) I said nothing, which is why I think they think a repeat of the same is okay. I was very matter of fact "our kids play together every day, you come over all the time to have a beer, chat, etc., yet we are snubbed." I'm not sure what the wife's story is. She definitely wears the pants in the family, and my husband has always said he thinks she is very jealous. Anyway, they are invited. We'll see what happens.
Me dh ds 11 ds 9 dd 7

I didn't see this before my previous post. It's pretty clear you don't like the wife. I can see why she didn't invite you. If you don't like her why would you want to go in the first place.

The next time skip the yelling part. If you just have to know, ask instead of yelling. You'll get better results.

 

[Planogirl]

I think that since you already jumped all over the man that you might want to have a talk with the wife. I mean only a nice heart to heart talk and no chewing anyone out. Maybe you can salvage this and at least have good neighbors.

 

[The Pink Cupcake]

At the last snub (not inviting to the b-day party) I said nothing, which is why I think they think a repeat of the same is okay.

Actually, it is ok It’s their party.

We actually had an issue like this. We have very religious neighbors. They are so friendly and nice. But, we do not invite them to our cocktail parties. What can I say, my friends that we barbeque with are wild and crazy and I don’t want to have to worry about people imbibing and watching their language. I don’t want my neighbors there. It’s my choice.

I have had one instance where the wife asked if they did anything wrong (I imagine they saw people coming over) and I explained the situation to her. She was fine after that.

Maybe this is a different group of kids that the DD hangs out with? Either way, you should have NEVER confronted the husband.

She definitely wears the pants in the family, and my husband has always said he thinks she is very jealous.

Jealous of what?

 

[Mama Who]

I think all you can really do now is apologize for your rudeness and hope it doesn't cause tension for your kids.

Their parties are their business and clearly you are not welcome at them. They are entitled to choose their guests for whatever reasons they wish. You are free to do the same.

 

[HeatherC]

Have to chime in. While I personally wouldn't have said anything to the neighbor, I kind of applaud OP for calling out people for rude and hurtful behavior.

Did they HAVE to invite her family or kids? Certainly not. Should they have? Well if they were halfway caring decent people, I think they should have. Think of how hurt OP's Dd must have felt. She plays with the kid all the time...even right before the party and they can't invite her?

For gods sake, they live right next door and supposedly get along. If they were having strictly family, I could see it. But once you invite other neighbors, I think it is rude to exclude one family...who can probably see the whole party going on.

I have found over the years that it is always the same people that do stuff like this and people just excuse it or justify it.

OP...you may have made the same mistakes I have over the years. The mistake being thinking they were friends. They just showed you they only think of you as a neighbor. From now on, I would probably just smile and wave and not bother putting any more effort into the relationship.

 

[angwill]

We have had the same neighbors for 16 years. We have always invited them to our parties. Sometimes they show other times they don't. We have never, ever been invited to their parties except sales parties the wife threw the first couple years we lived here. DH and I have never once been offended by not being invited to parties.

We have a friendly neighbor relationship where my husband and husband next door talk and chat often, lend equipment, and help each other when needed. The wife is a bit indifferent and I just accept her for who she is. Heck I have often been glad DS is not invited to birthdays since they have five kids and are about to adopt 2 more. lol We have one child so she saves me lots of money not inviting DS or us. Look for the bright side and accept it for what it is instead of turning it into a psycho neighbor situation.

On a side note the lady who owned our home before us and the lady next door hated one another and they played lots of nasty games with one another that ended in lawsuits and a lot of headaches. You don't want or want to be that kind of neighbor.

 

[disneychrista]

Do you WANT to invite them? If so then invite.

 

[Robinrs]

I cannot believe you chewed him out because you weren't invited. That's incredible...and extremely childish.

Complaining to him because you didn't get invited would, in my mind, put you on the automatice DO NOT invite list.

This sounds like middle school...

 

[goofy!]

Have to chime in. While I personally wouldn't have said anything to the neighbor, I kind of applaud OP for calling out people for rude and hurtful behavior.

Did they HAVE to invite her family or kids? Certainly not. Should they have? Well if they were halfway caring decent people, I think they should have. Think of how hurt OP's Dd must have felt. She plays with the kid all the time...even right before the party and they can't invite her?

For gods sake, they live right next door and supposedly get along. If they were having strictly family, I could see it. But once you invite other neighbors, I think it is rude to exclude one family...who can probably see the whole party going on.

I have found over the years that it is always the same people that do stuff like this and people just excuse it or justify it.

OP...you may have made the same mistakes I have over the years. The mistake being thinking they were friends. They just showed you they only think of you as a neighbor. From now on, I would probably just smile and wave and not bother putting any more effort into the relationship.

Why?
Feeling entitled to be invited just because you can see into the backyard is strange.

We have a very friendly and involved street. We have an annual progressive dinner and one neighbor also holds an annual Christmas open house where all the neighbors are invited. We all chat outside and have wine together on the sidewalks while our children play. We provide meals for each other during births, illnesses and deaths. Our kids play at each others houses all the time.

However, each neighbor also has their closer group of neighbors. None of us is ever, EVER insulted if a neighbor has a party and only invites their closer group of neighbors as we do the same. You should never feel obligated to invite everyone just because you are neighbors and they can see who is coming to the party.

We often have large parties where we only invite 2 or 3 of the neighbors. So do the rest of the neighbors.

The OP's neighbors obviously do not care to be social with the OP and her family. They should not feel obligated to invite them to their parties just because they share a property line.

In fact, if the OP is feeling so entitled to being "part of their life" that she yells at them for not inviting her just because they share a property line, I can fully understand why the neighbors might want to keep some personal distance between them.

Not saying this is true because we don't know the OP and her neighbor's relationship, but her posts remind me of Gladys Kravitz, entitled to entrench themselves into their neighbor's lives.

 

[mum4jenn]

I cannot believe you chewed him out because you weren't invited. That's incredible...and extremely childish.

Complaining to him because you didn't get invited would, in my mind, put you on the automatice DO NOT invite list.

 

[3prettyprincesses]

This sounds like middle school...

That's what I thought too.

OP, who knows why they decided not to invite you. I wouldn't spend time sweating it though nor would I have the kahunas to march over and chew them out over it. I'm guessing you're definitely on the unvitation list now!

We had a similar thing happen...a neighbor a few doors down invited a bunch of neighborhood families over for a BBQ. We were not invited but it didn't bother me. It did bother my oldest DD a bit since she plays with their daughter alot. But honestly, I have no idea what their guest list was like or why they chose certain families. I truly do not care. Just my two cents worth.

If you don't want to invite them to your party, then don't. If you were planning to invite them before this whole fiasco, then do. Your party, your guest list. Good luck.