Not getting anything for Mother's Day....anyone else?

[WeLoveLilo05]

The thing is, Mother's day is tomorrow and OP is complaining about something she "thinks" might happen. She has no clue if something is planned, if he got her something, or he plans to get her a card. She is having an issue with something that may not even happen.

I could be 90% certain nothing is planned, he is working tomorrow 9AM-10PM.

 

[Gigi22]

We don't "do" Mother's/Father's Day stuff. No kids. And I refuse to ask my fur babies for presents--what could they possibly give me that they don't already? Oh yeah, dead mice on the doorstep!

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

Well I am not expecting anything either. Dh just says pick something out, so we willl go shopping later. I need some clothes for our disney trip May 18th.

Also right now I am in the midst of a two week diet for cancer testing next week, so no food items. I would LOVE chocolate right now, but such is life. I am allergic to flowers.

I just want the 3 ds to be nice to me tomm and would not like to cook except for the special food I have to make myself..

I am thinking of renting a movie after church tomm. and making myself some allowable snack, like homemade salsa on unsalted matzoh and air popped pop corn with oil only. No salt or butter etc.

It should be an interesting day.

I hope you enjoy your day.

Hope you enjoy the day and all is well

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

I would agree, but she's been with him for enough Mother's Days that she might see a pattern.

Anyway, I think I would let him know that it bothers you -- a man capable of doing something so thoughtful for a friend should go way above and beyond for his fiancee!

And thats the thing, anything that I get is last minute. If i do get a card tomorrow, he'll stop @ A&P on his way home to pick it up, it just bothers me that his friend gets a planned day at Yankee Stadium for his birthday. He didn't even know when Mother's Day was, he asked and then realized his family was coming. Actually, I have to shower and get out of here, I have to get his mom something for Mother's Day.

 

[sunnyday123]

I don't want to sound like I WANT WANT WANT something for Mother's Day, but I don't think I am getting anything from DF, and the only reason that it upsets me is because, well let's see, last week he took his friend out for his birthday to see Sox and Yankees. Like, his friend gets a surprise for his birthday, but I don't? I had DD @ 20, stayed home with her ever since, I guess I am just feeling a little under appreciated and needed to vent. And DD keeps saying "I want to get you something for Mother's Day mommy" I told her just to make me a beautiful card and give me a hug.
It's not about getting something, its the fact that for his friends birthday he took a train into the city, watched a ball game and went out to eat. For my birthdays he tells me go pick something out. Would anyone else be bothered by this?

If he can figure out what to get a friend, he can certainly figure out what to get his wife. I don't buy into that whole "guys can't come up with a present" deal. It's a way out. Take the time and get something.

My ex told me on my first Mother's Day that he wasn't getting me anything because I wasn't his Mother. While his Mother went up one side of him and down the other ( she had called to wish me a Happy First Mothers day and asked what he got me ) I packed up my daughter, went to the mall, and bought myself a $400 watch.

And I did that every year till we got divorced, and never spent less than that.

 

[mtemm]

I'm sorry you aren't feeling appreciated by DF this year. glad your DD is giving you some love, though!!!!

I think many of us have days like that, where we don't show our appreciation/don't feel as appreciated as we could do. have you talked to DF about this? it might help if you are open about feeling unappreciated. he may not have a clue.

am wondering if it would help to think about something you would like to do tomorrow (brunch, a picnic, dinner out, a hike, visit a museum, whatever you like to do) and tell your family that for mothers day, you would love it if you all would do x.

to answer your question, btw, we aren't doing presents for birthdays or mothers/fathers day this year because money is tight.

 

[mtemm]

I could be 90% certain nothing is planned, he is working tomorrow 9AM-10PM.

you know what I would do then? make it a really fun day for you and DD. its really about your relationship with her anyway, isn't it? have her take you out for breakfast/lunch/whatever, or go to a museum, or whatever you girls like to do. it could be a really fun tradition for you two. I know its not the same as having someone fuss over you, but honestly it sounds like your dd does want to fuss over you, and I'd let her, even though yeah, you'd need to do the actually paying. I did this when dh and I were separated and it turned out to be one of my favorite mothers days. seeing the joy my kids got out of it really was wonderful.

am wondering if the feeling unappreciated even has anything to do with mothers day...does it run deeper than that? something to think about and talk to df about.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Engaged for 4 years? All I would want for Mother's Day would be to set a wedding date but I'm a very demanding lady, lol. If he did all that for a friend's birthday and did nothing for me for Mother's Day I would be TICKED and he would know it.

 

[eliza61]

Yes, he is DD's Dad....we've been engaged since DD turned 1. I think its just the fact that he did something "special" for his friend for his birthday, KWIM.

I think with most of these situations it's not about getting a gift it's about feeling appreciated. some thing every one wants to feel.

I'm with a previous poster. I'm for speaking up and letting people know how you feel. I'm not a biggie on gifts but I do want my family to appreciate and value the things I bring to the family. I hope I also do the same with them.

How about this:

Hon, being a mom is important to me I'd like to celebrate that, I know you have to work tomorrow but maybe you could plan a _____" tomorrow night.

Personally I start campaigning 1 month ahead. LOL. I have teenagers so they don't do subtle hints. I have conversations like "Ok guys mothers day is in 30 days" come up with a game plan.

 

[Disney Doll]

OK..

You've been engaged for 4 years
He doesn't really remember your special days
He does remember his friend's special day
You are going out to get HIS mother a MD gift

I think it's time to cut this one loose. What exactly is it that he's doing for you?

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

Engaged for 4 years? All I would want for Mother's Day would be to set a wedding date but I'm a very demanding lady, lol. If he did all that for a friend's birthday and did nothing for me for Mother's Day I would be TICKED and he would know it.

This is a whole other story....
When I got pregnant, I was in school and working P/T, when DD was born we agreed it would be best if I stayed @ home with her since putting her in daycare would cost $$$ and it would probably be as much as I would make w/o a degree. Anytime I approach the "get married" thing, he tells me I want to get married for the wrong reasons and he lists that I want health insurance, (YUP!!! NO HEALTH INSURANCE FOR 5 YEARS FOR ME, they are covered) that I worry what others will think that we're not married, and we don't have enough money to be married, etc. 2 weekends ago I stayed in bed all day sick over it. THEN he tells me, well set a date, I said Aug and then he said ok, and that was the end of the convo....
I seriously just want some normalcy in my life, we have a beautiful little one together and I just want to be a family.
I guess I will now get flamed for all of this.

 

[golfgal]

Yes, he is DD's Dad....we've been engaged since DD turned 1. I think its just the fact that he did something "special" for his friend for his birthday, KWIM.

I understand. If your DF was like my DH and never got anyone anything, that would be on thing but since he went out of his way to get his friend something, he should know to do something for you. On my very first mother's day I kept waiting and waiting and waiting for SOMETHING, ANYTHING even just a card. I finally asked DH if we were going to do something for Mother's Day and he said "why should I get you anything, you are not MY mom". Needless to day I was a LITTLE ANGRY.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

This is a whole other story....
When I got pregnant, I was in school and working P/T, when DD was born we agreed it would be best if I stayed @ home with her since putting her in daycare would cost $$$ and it would probably be as much as I would make w/o a degree. Anytime I approach the "get married" thing, he tells me I want to get married for the wrong reasons and he lists that I want health insurance, (YUP!!! NO HEALTH INSURANCE FOR 5 YEARS FOR ME, they are covered) that I worry what others will think that we're not married, and we don't have enough money to be married, etc. 2 weekends ago I stayed in bed all day sick over it. THEN he tells me, well set a date, I said Aug and then he said ok, and that was the end of the convo....
I seriously just want some normalcy in my life, we have a beautiful little one together and I just want to be a family.
I guess I will now get flamed for all of this.

No, of course no flaming for you. You need to be careful and look out for yourself. Here you are having not worked basically your entire adult life and financially dependent on a man not your husband. If he walks out tomorrow you will not be protected as if you were his wife in terms of support and division of property, just child support. Having not having worked you will be at a disadvantage. A good man would want to marry you without question. He does not think the mother of his child having health insurance is important? Oh no, he is lucky you are not me, he would be in a lot of trouble, lol. Only to you, you seem like a very loving woman and much better than he deserves!!! Happy Mother's Day from me to you, he can take a long walk off a short pier as far as I am concerned.

 

[cm8]

Why should a mother have to tell her dh or df that she wants something for mother's day? Why is it too much to ask that your dh/f give you something to show you that he appreciates you as the mother of his child on a day set aside to honor Mother's. Last I checked Mother's Day was about acknowledging ALL the Mother's in your life, how sad it is when people say that just because you arent his mother he shouldn't tell you he appreciates you.


ETA I'm not talking about telling him something specific. I know I have to direct dh when it comes to gifts. I'm talking about a little token from the heart, a meaningful card, flowers, candy, a candle, whatever. Just a little something to say you matter on this day.

:I so agree!

 

[Nancyg56]

This is a whole other story....
When I got pregnant, I was in school and working P/T, when DD was born we agreed it would be best if I stayed @ home with her since putting her in daycare would cost $$$ and it would probably be as much as I would make w/o a degree. Anytime I approach the "get married" thing, he tells me I want to get married for the wrong reasons and he lists that I want health insurance, (YUP!!! NO HEALTH INSURANCE FOR 5 YEARS FOR ME, they are covered) that I worry what others will think that we're not married, and we don't have enough money to be married, etc. 2 weekends ago I stayed in bed all day sick over it. THEN he tells me, well set a date, I said Aug and then he said ok, and that was the end of the convo....
I seriously just want some normalcy in my life, we have a beautiful little one together and I just want to be a family.
I guess I will now get flamed for all of this.

Okay, now here we have the real problem and it is not the lack of gifts. I have no room to tell anyone else what to do but if you were my DD I would be asking you to put some real thought into your relationship with this man. This is nto just about you. You have a young daughter who is going to use you and your choices as a real life example of what is appropriate and not appropriate in her own life. She will also be watching her father to see what is appropriate behavior for a man in regards to a woman, the mother of his child and in the end his own daughter. This is about her as well.

If your daughter was living with a man who would not share his name, his health insurance and any other protections that marriage brings, had a child by the guy but so far there were no "right" reasons to marry her.......what would you advise her to do? I alwsy told the women in my life that if the life they were leading was not the life they would want their own daughter to lead, and if the man they were seeing would not make them proud that their son followed that example............they needed to decide what needed to change.

I apologize, I am not very articulate, but you are unhappy and it is not about presents. It is about the role you play in your boyfriends life. You are the only one who can make your life "normal". GOod luck

 

[Bonnie40]

Okay, now here we have the real problem and it is not the lack of gifts. I have no room to tell anyone else what to do but if you were my DD I would be asking you to put some real thought into your relationship with this man. This is nto just about you. You have a young daughter who is going to use you and your choices as a real life example of what is appropriate and not appropriate in her own life. She will also be watching her father to see what is appropriate behavior for a man in regards to a woman, the mother of his child and in the end his own daughter. This is about her as well.

If your daughter was living with a man who would not share his name, his health insurance and any other protections that marriage brings, had a child by the guy but so far there were no "right" reasons to marry her.......what would you advise her to do? I alwsy told the women in my life that if the life they were leading was not the life they would want their own daughter to lead, and if the man they were seeing would not make them proud that their son followed that example............they needed to decide what needed to change.

I apologize, I am not very articulate, but you are unhappy and it is not about presents. It is about the role you play in your boyfriends life. You are the only one who can make your life "normal". GOod luck

You said it better than I ever could! There's waaaay more going on here than a present for Mother's Day. How can the father of your child be okay with you not having health insurance? Beyond bizarre...

 

[Stacerita]

This is a whole other story....
When I got pregnant, I was in school and working P/T, when DD was born we agreed it would be best if I stayed @ home with her since putting her in daycare would cost $$$ and it would probably be as much as I would make w/o a degree. Anytime I approach the "get married" thing, he tells me I want to get married for the wrong reasons and he lists that I want health insurance, (YUP!!! NO HEALTH INSURANCE FOR 5 YEARS FOR ME, they are covered) that I worry what others will think that we're not married, and we don't have enough money to be married, etc. 2 weekends ago I stayed in bed all day sick over it. THEN he tells me, well set a date, I said Aug and then he said ok, and that was the end of the convo....
I seriously just want some normalcy in my life, we have a beautiful little one together and I just want to be a family.
I guess I will now get flamed for all of this.

Not a flame, but there are seriously more issues going on than he may not have anything for you tomorrow. Really read what you just wrote and ask yourself if it would be fine if instead of you, it was your DD in that situation.

As far as what you see as a family, I don't see marriage making anything different. A family isn't just who you are married to and who you are blood related to. Its who you care about and who cares about you. Single parents and their children are families, divorced parents and their kids are still family too.

 

[minkydog]

Mother's Day is such a farcical holiday, like Father's Day and Valentine's Day. I mean, really, I don't need Hallmark to shame me into sending my mom a $4 card full of gushy sentiments to convey to my mother that she's the best thing that ever happened to me. And I sure don't need candy, flowers, and fancy dinners to know that my own kids love me.

I actually hope they *don't* get me gifts. I have a hard time receiving gifts on my birthday and Christmas. These other nonsense holidays just make me feel uncomfortable. You know what i'm doing on Mother's Day? I'm planning a cookout. I've invited my kids to invite their girlfriends/boyfriends and we're going to grill chicken, burgers and hot dogs. Throw in some corn on the cob, barbeque chips and some baked beans and you have a bondafide cookout. My way of saying "Gosh, I love being a mother!"

 

[TheZue]

Not a flame, but there are seriously more issues going on than he may not have anything for you tomorrow. Really read what you just wrote and ask yourself if it would be fine if instead of you, it was your DD in that situation.

As far as what you see as a family, I don't see marriage making anything different. A family isn't just who you are married to and who you are blood related to. Its who you care about and who cares about you. Single parents and their children are families, divorced parents and their kids are still family too.

I agree. Bigs hugs OP. I really don't want this to come across as a flame either because none of this is your fault, but I'd be looking long and hard at this relationship as well. I can't imagine being able to sleep at night if DH wasn't insured and I was AND I could fix that. If he's not happy, I'm not happy...he just means the world to me and it goes both ways. You deserve that, everyone does. He won't change if you guys do get married, and really him making your reasons for wanting to get married seem petty is just showing what he really thinks of your relationship. You summed up why you want to get married, you just want to be a family. He doesn't seem to respect that at all

 

[EMom]

This is a whole other story....
When I got pregnant, I was in school and working P/T, when DD was born we agreed it would be best if I stayed @ home with her since putting her in daycare would cost $$$ and it would probably be as much as I would make w/o a degree. Anytime I approach the "get married" thing, he tells me I want to get married for the wrong reasons and he lists that I want health insurance, (YUP!!! NO HEALTH INSURANCE FOR 5 YEARS FOR ME, they are covered) that I worry what others will think that we're not married, and we don't have enough money to be married, etc. 2 weekends ago I stayed in bed all day sick over it. THEN he tells me, well set a date, I said Aug and then he said ok, and that was the end of the convo....
I seriously just want some normalcy in my life, we have a beautiful little one together and I just want to be a family.
I guess I will now get flamed for all of this.

Oh honey.....Before I read this post, I WAS going to say something like, "I'm not trying to be a smart***, but let's look at the situation. The two of you had a baby. You finally got engaged when the baby was one year old. Four years later you are still not married. Perhaps...just perhaps this man is NOT into tradition and expecting a Mother's Day gift from him is futile."

Considering there are some people who simply see no point in being officially married, (although I certainly do, especially when children are involved) I was going to give the benefit of the doubt and assume marriage was just not high on the priority list of either of you.....and that additionally, he was not a traditional guy in general.

HOWEVER......in light of what you have just written.....ACK! Lack of a Mother's Day gift is the least of your worries. In all honesty, I'd rethink those wedding plans because anytime anything ever goes wrong during your married life (and it will) I predict he will throw it up to you that you "cornered" him into marriage. This man simply does not want to marry you. Is that fair? No! But it's your reality and maybe you need to cut your losses.

A man should be EAGER to marry his fiance, not petulant. WTH does he mean by you want to get married for "the wrong reasons"? To commit to each other for life and provide a stable, loving home for your child and financial security for the two of you? Geez....I think those are very valid reasons. He should be HAPPY to do it and if he's not....THERE'S YOUR SIGN.

Somewhere out there is a man who will appreciate you and treat you with respect. Don't settle for less. We are going through much the same thing with a female relative in her 20s who had a baby by her perpetual boyfriend. The only way she'll get him down the aisle is at gunpoint. Who needs that? We keep telling her to cut him loose, because the sooner she does that, the sooner she can begin the rest of her life. As long as she is tied to that slacker excuse of a boyfriend, the chances of her meeting a decent man are ZERO and the same thing applies to you.

If you had a friend in the exact same situation, what would you advise her to do? Harass the guy all the way to the altar? Or read the writing on the wall, accept that the reality is crap and then pick yourself up and dust yourself off and never look back?

If you do "win" and get him to marry you, what have you actually won? A devoted, loving husband? Or someone who really doesn't want to be a husband at all? That's not winning. It's winning the ****y prize. Walk away now. It will not get better. I hate to be so blunt, but this is just what I tell my relative and I love her.