Not bringing all of your kids - am I a bad mom?! LONG! HELP!

[lsteadman]

if you can afford to take them all....don't take any of them. I always live by the rule whatever I do my daughter gets the same. For example, if I eat hot dogs for dinner -- she eats hot dogs. If I eat steak - she eats steak. I would never give myself a steak and my daughter a hot dog for dinner. I hope this example isn't strange.

A child will remember for the rest of their lives and honestly hold it against you for treating them different. For example my birthday is in late October and my sisters birthday is the first week of November. Our birthdays are 7 days apart! For two years in a row, my mother honestly forgot my birthday. She didn't even mention it! Then 7 days later she gave my sister a birthday party! Another example, for Christmas my sister go a brand new Schwin 10 speed bike (you remember those, right)! I didn't get one - I fussed so much about not getting a bike that my grandmother finally went to the Goodwill and brought me this old, runover bike. That didn't go over well at all with me! My mother - to this very day leaves - the room if I bring it up! She can deal with it because she knows she was wrong! Honestly, it is still like that today!

Could you image how I felt. I am now 33 years old and remember it like it was yesterday! I am sure you can guess that me and my mother do not get along very well now!

Best of luck to you in whatever decision your make - I will keep you in my prayers. This post is not a judgement of your situation - just something to keep in mind.

 

[beautybelle]

It doesnt matter to me what the reasons. If my kids couldnt go, then I wont be going. Thats the rule for me whether its WDW or the Beach or where ever we're going.

 

[merfsko]

1. Will DS12 be scarred for life if he's the only one who doesn't go?

He may be- how would you feel if your family took off to Disney and left you behind? I am 13, and I can tell you I wouldn't be happy. Earlier you mentioned that you thought he may be getting "too old for Disney." You can never be too old for Disney!

2. Can DS11 afford to miss 3 more days of school?

In my opinion, as long as his teacher assigns homework, yes. Plus, in a year or two he'll be entering high school and there is no way you can pull him out of high school. Esp. if he'll be in a semestered school, so this may be his last chance to go to Disney for a while

3. Will I feel guilty for the rest of my life if I don't bring DS11 since it's probably the last/only chance he'll have to experience Disney while he's still young enough to enjoy it?

You may. It really depends if he wanted to go or not. Let him in on the discussion.

4. Will I feel guilty for the rest of my life if I do bring DS11 and leave DS12 home?

See answer for Question 3.

5. Do you have any advice to help ease the situation?

Answer these questions:
How does your DS12 feel? Ask him.
How do the other kids feel about it? Do they want DS12 to come?
How are you going to feel about leaving him behind?

Good Luck and I know you'll make the right decision, no matter what you choose!

 

[marciemi]

Thanks for some more input. I appreciate the 13 year old perspective (DS12 will be 13 in just 2 months). He is coming. (Although to answer one of your questions, no, his brothers definitely don't want him to!) I found another thread with something on it that he REALLY wants to do (you'll never guess this one) - pearl diving in Japan! Yes, I know you actually just select an "oyster" with a pearl inside, but he did this at 6 Flags a couple years ago and has really wanted to do it again. We promised him if he's good during the trip that we'll do that the last evening. We'll see! Also he got a cell phone for Christmas (main gift) that's one of the new, cool ones that take pics and videos and of course he already knows how to do more on it than I ever did on my phone. Told him he can take pics of everything and send them to Dad (while he's in meetings) (who also got a new matching phone).

Hi Fantasia - I'm also originally from Troy - graduated from (the old) Troy High and my folks still live there!

Beautybelle - I'm not sure I follow your thinking. You never do anything without the kids? No grownup time away? If that's the case (unless they're really little still), you're going to have a hard time when they leave! We love our kids too, but you need some couple time. And I never suggested going without the kids - the question was leaving one or two of them home - more to make it special for the ones that were going. Was your point that all kids (in a family) should always do the same thing? So since my oldest had the opportunity to go to Colorado for soccer camp last summer, I shouldn't have let him since his brothers weren't invited/old enough? Or since my youngest won a scholarship to piano camp, I shouldn't have let him go since his brothers don't play the piano? Or when my middle son's godparents invited him (only) to fly to Boston to visit them, I should have just said no if everyone couldn't come? Kids (even in a family) are going to have different experiences in life! My question was whether Disney was one that they needed to have together EVERY time!

lsteadman - thanks for the input! I also know the feeling! My parents took my younger brothers to Tokyo Disneyland shortly after I started college. I KNOW I couldn't have gone with them even if they'd invited me, because of my schedule, but they didn't even INVITE me! I still feel bummed about this - not because they should have brought me along but because they all got to go and see a whole new country PLUS Disney there. I don't blame anyone for this, but I do feel bad about it. I just can't understand the bike thing - sorry, but how can you forget a kid's birthday? And if you did, I think you'd be bending over backwards to make it up to them! Good luck with your mom!

Thanks everyone for all the input! Again - they're all coming now! Any suggestions for dealing with fighting!?!

 

[Sandyincanada]

My kids who fought all the time at home, rarely fought on vacation, too busy to care, I think, lol.

All I can think of is involving them with the intinerary and making sure they all have equal say in what to do. If they all have equal choices then theres not much to fight about. DD and DH would ride a few that DS didn't want to so DS and I would stay close by but go check out the stores, the maps or grab a drink, he was ok with it. If they all want to sit with you or DH, take turns again. Abit of work on your part but again, not much to fight about if everyone is taking turns. Give them the usual lecture before you go on how its a family vacation. we want everyone to enjoy it so if you feel a fight brewing, suck it up cause no one wants to hear it, lol. A fw times we saw one brewing in the parks, we diverted fast before it grew into anything.

All easier said then done, I know, lol

Good luck, hope you dont spend you time playing referree

 

[HALEYSMOMMOM]

It doesnt matter to me what the reasons. If my kids couldnt go, then I wont be going. Thats the rule for me whether its WDW or the Beach or where ever we're going.

I totally agree with Beautybelle, because that's what works for my family as well. I've said it before and I'll say it again-there's no one right solution that works for everyone's family. We're all different. Some of us have no problems leaving the kids with trusted grandparents, while just the thought of that makes others a nervous wreck ( me included)

And also she could just be saying if some of the children get to go on a family trip, they should all go-and I also agree with that as well. Don't attack someone just for stating what works for them.

 

[marciemi]

I don't believe I was attacking beautybelle - I thought her post was a bit judgmental on the surface, and was trying to clarify her position. If it was, as it came across, that she never would do anything without her children, I was trying to urge her to consider her spouse and their needs as a couple as well. I believe your children are young, and fully understand the feeling of not wanting to leave them. The first time DH & I left our kids, it was for ONE night and they were 3, 5, and 6. We went an hour away for the night to celebrate our 10 year anniversary and they stayed with their grandparents who live 20 minutes away and are very close with. It wasn't until last year, when they were 8-11, that we finally left them for a whole week, again with the grandparents. But my point was, as they are getting older, they spend time away from us (camps, sleepovers) and we should be starting to make a life that doesn't center 100% around them.

However, none of this has anything to do with this discussion I think DS12 is glad he's coming, but is also kind of depressed that now he can't go to nationals, especially after his first few days of competitions (ski) this week. It's not a punishment, but we truly can't afford another expensive trip on top of this one. We were not trying to exclude him - the idea was that if he really didn't want to go, his brothers (and I) would have a much better time without him along constantly teasing, fighting, criticizing, etc. and he could potentially have a better time doing something else fun at another time.

Sandyincanada - we've already done what you suggested. I used my Birnbaum's books, park maps, etc. and had each kid separately list the top 3 things they want to do in each park (plus DQ & Blizzard Beach), plus any others they'd be "willing" to do. However, this isn't where the problem lies. My kids seem to be the opposite of yours - they don't fight that much at home - probably because they each have their own rooms, and own lives that to a great part don't involve each other.

But when we're on trips - whether day or long vacation, they seem to fight constantly. Even if everyone's happy with what we're doing that day, I don't think it would help. The fighting is about (constantly) the stupid little things ("he said something about me - make him tell me what he said", "tell him to stop, I was sitting here first - no, you got up", "you sat with Mom on the last ride"). I find it very frustrating that at their ages I feel like I have to use the advice for preschoolers on taking turns (okay A sat next to me on the last ride, this ride is B's turn, C will be next) and it wouldn't help because B would whine that A got to do it first or got an extra turn because we went on say 4 rides! It's like that story where the kids keep fighting because of who has more sprinkles on their ice cream cones and the dad counts them and hand them out saying "There! You each have exactly 178 sprinkles!" and the first thing one of the kids says is "But he got more RED sprinkles!" These are my older 2 kids perfectly! As I mentioned, DS9 is rarely involved and usually just a happy kid, but the other 2 drive me crazy!

Also unfortunately DH will be in meetings most of the time, which means it's just me, which will make the fighting worse. I will try the "suck it up, I don't want to hear it" technique! Thanks!

 

[marciemi]

Just wanted to update this thread and let everyone know how it all turned out! We all had a really good (although REALLY tiring and busy time). Literally did all the big rides in all 4 parks in 2 1/2 days, plus Blizzard Beach (in 64 degree weather) and Disney Quest. It was very tiring, but also very satisfying to accomplish so much. The kids can now hang in better than I can!

I was glad we brought DS11 and 12 along with us (in addition to DS9). I'd debated just DS11 because he was so much more into the Disney stuff and just so much younger/more innocent and I thought he'd enjoy it more. But I think DS12 ended up enjoying it just as much or more than he did. He really got into the pin trading, loved the Pearl Diving at Japan in Epcot, loved Mission Space and even many of the rides I wouldn't have expected like Winnie the Pooh. He also missed the least in school - DS11 was pretty swamped when he got back and almost wished he hadn't gone. DS12 said he didn't miss anything (he had about 15 minutes of homework over the weekend). DS12 is also pushing the hardest that we have to go back again sometime! (I think everyone else is just too exhausted to think about it yet!)

So I'm glad we all went. We did so much, even if we never go back, they'll have good memories of all we did. If we do go back, it will be because they had such a great time this time! Thanks again everyone!

 

[Pienut]

I understand the guilt thing of taking 2 and leaving 1 behind. First for 11 and 12 year olds, I wouldn't worry about taking them out of school for 2 or 3 days. Do you ever ask about all the down time they have in class. A fairly bright child will catch up in one afternoon!

I am all about Family but it comes down to the dynamics of your particular family. I have 3, 8-13-15. Me and the 8 year old are leaving for disney ALONE on Saturday. The boys are staying home with dad and grandma. I never presented it to them in a way where they would think I feel bad it was just a...This is what I am doing! Then dad figured he'd take the boys to do something for them when we get back. Now the dynamics of a family is that Sarah, the 8 year old. Is definately odd man out. She isn't even on the same planet as her brothers. But would I take Colin (13) without Ryan (15)? No. That would definately not fly. They are not the closest of brothers but they are a unit as in....Is Ryan and Colin there. Can Ryan and Colin come hang out. Get Ryan or Colin on the phone. If your 11 and 12 year old are like that, then you might seriously reconsider taking one and not the other. If the dynamics are that its the oldest then the other two...then sure take them. Sometimes the oldest child needs to learn a lesson about working within a family.

Family vacations can get more difficult as your children get older. This family I had set up a vacation for me and the kids with a friend and her kids. My middle son got picked for the 13 yr old all stars and couldn't miss practice, so he stayed behind. That was a killer and I wanted to make him come, but it was his choice. This Christmas when we were all talking about the highlights of the past year his highlight was making the 13 year old team and not missing a practice, he went from a substitute player to a starter through his hard work, he said he missed coming away with us but was really glad allstars worked out for him. On our end, Sarah (8) and Ryan (15) had a really nice time together and they both were able to shine in their own way without the competition from Colin.

I don't know if its any help I was just trying to indicate that it has to do with the family dynamics more than just a choice of who stays and who goes!

I am taking Sarah so that her and I, without her brothers, can enjoy each others company and do what she wants to without her brothers interfering and I feel GREAT about taking her. She is such a terrific child and she deserves to have me alone, the same way her brothers did before she came along.

Go and have a great time. Follow your heart because ultimately you make and live with this decision. If it feels right somehow then do it but if it feels somehow wrong then don't!

 

[TSirgey]

I am so glad it worked out for you and everyone had a wonderful time.