No Gift or Cake for B-day. Would you be upset?

[kimmar067]

Since Dh and I have the SAME birthday he never forgets.

...wow, THAT'S convenient!

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I'm one of the lucky husbands in this world. My wife was the one who set the rules about when gifts/cards, etc. were expected. Because of that Valentine's Day, Birthdays, Mother's Day are nothing more than a dinner at home (where I cook her favorites), or at a restaurant of the "honoree's" choosing. We take the kids with us.

People have tried to tell me that the "no gift" rule is a trap that women layout for men, but in 10+ years together, I've found out that DW has been 100% genuine in her "don't see the need for a big fuss" opinion.

Christmas, however, is the one time of year when we splurge for a lot of things for each other. I basically pick things out that I would have given her for other events over the year, and pool all that money towards some really big gifts during the Holiday Season.

As to the OP, as a man speaking here, you need to let your husband know what to expect. As many PP's have stated, we don't know! I was fortunately that DW told me upfront what was expected/not expected.

 

[4nana]

Hello All, OP here.

Thanks for all the Birthday Wishes and support.

My husband does know that he has hurt my feelings so maybe next year will be better. He does not drop the ball every year, but some years he seems to take me more for granted than others.

I have done some thinking and realize some of the disappointment was a little bit my fault. I purposely did not remind him or make the plans myself, or bake the cake myself. I wanted to see what would happen. I guess that is not a smart thing for a wife to do. Also, I think I put a lot of pressure on him to meet all my emotional needs himself because we are so far away from all our friends and family for 4 years now. I would really have liked to go to my mother's house and eaten a cake she would have made, but I live on the other side of the world, and I think I expected him to take up the slack. Maybe that was unfair.
He is not as emotionally demonstrative as I would have liked, for sure. However, he does try and show me he appreciates me in other ways on random days and I should remember those times more. For instance, two weeks ago he planned a date night and totally came up with the plan, reservations, babysitter, etc for no reason at all. I think maybe we females put too much emphasis on actual Days and I am going to try to stop doing that. It is not good for my marriage. if he did not have these redeeming qualities, however, he might be totally out of luck..Thanks again for the support when I needed it.

I certainly agree, it's not about just one day or occassion . You're indeed blessed he does show you many other ways he loves and appreciates you.

Having two children and grands out of state myself, sweetie I can totally relate to your feelings of not being local to share good times with family and friends.
Sometiimes it's difficult, but know, you're always in your family's heart and they are with you in spirit.

I'm one of the lucky husbands in this world. My wife was the one who set the rules about when gifts/cards, etc. were expected. Because of that Valentine's Day, Birthdays, Mother's Day are nothing more than a dinner at home (where I cook her favorites), or at a restaurant of the "honoree's" choosing. We take the kids with us.

People have tried to tell me that the "no gift" rule is a trap that women layout for men, but in 10+ years together, I've found out that DW has been 100% genuine in her "don't see the need for a big fuss" opinion.

Christmas, however, is the one time of year when we splurge for a lot of things for each other. I basically pick things out that I would have given her for other events over the year, and pool all that money towards some really big gifts during the Holiday Season.

As to the OP, as a man speaking here, you need to let your husband know what to expect. As many PP's have stated, we don't know! I was fortunately that DW told me upfront what was expected/not expected.

THX, it's really nice you replied ! I'm sure many will appreciate a man's point of view!

 

[luvsJack]

So would I and I would be very hurt. To be honest I cannot stand reading or hearing people say "Men don't know any better" or some other version of that. They are not idiots. Your Birthday is the same date EVERY year. It's not like the date changes. If in 364 days they cannot remember the one day then I am sorry but that is just nothing more than a man who cannot be bothered. If you cannot be bothered to simply wish me a happy birthday - and I personally would be happy with just that- then obviously you don't value me very much. I am not a person who needs presents and hoopla. I don't even care to do anything special for my birthday. I do however treasure my DH remembering and wishing me a happy day. If you can't manage even that then that has nothing to do with being a man and everything to do with being self absorbed.

OP- I am sorry you had a rotten day. I too would have been upset.
Happy Belated Birthday!

I quit getting mad a long time ago but other than that, I agree with you. He doesn't have to remind me 2 weeks before an event, why the heck am I supposed to be constantly be telling him???

It takes way too much time and effort to be mad, so I just fixed the problem for myself and let him be "what he be".

 

[mumom95]

So would I and I would be very hurt. To be honest I cannot stand reading or hearing people say "Men don't know any better" or some other version of that. They are not idiots. Your Birthday is the same date EVERY year. It's not like the date changes. If in 364 days they cannot remember the one day then I am sorry but that is just nothing more than a man who cannot be bothered. If you cannot be bothered to simply wish me a happy birthday - and I personally would be happy with just that- then obviously you don't value me very much. I am not a person who needs presents and hoopla. I don't even care to do anything special for my birthday. I do however treasure my DH remembering and wishing me a happy day. If you can't manage even that then that has nothing to do with being a man and everything to do with being self absorbed.

I completely agree with this whole paragraph, and especially the part I bolded.

 

[Darsa]

My mom died on my birthday, 13 days ago. She was in the hospital and her doctor said that the best thing for her was to remove all of the machines and let her go. My dad said he wanted to wait 'til the next day, since that day was my birthday; I said no, not if she's suffering. So, she passed on my birthday. My husband said that she waited to go until that day so she'd be around for my 40th birthday... didn't make it hurt less, but that's okay; she's not in pain anymore, and that's what matters.

Somehow, the fact that I didn't get presents and cake isn't all that big a deal to me.

 

[dnoyes]

This is how we ended up buying DVC. After 20+ years of the same birthday, V-day, anniversary, X-mas conversations we decided this was the best way to put an end to piles of needless gifts and wasted money.

Do you remember what you got for a birthday gift say, six years ago? I don't.

Our dues are about $800 a year and that's it. Most people spend well over that buying gifts several times a year for each other. We're set for the next 47 years

We use DW birthday as the day all plans have to be complete for our next vacation. We're taking each other on a cruise this year .... beats a tie I'll never wear.

I just wish we would have done this ten years ago.

 

[eliza61]

Ok, yesterday was my birthday. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have 3 sons and I still think he doesn't 'get it.' I think he forgot my birthday until the morning of the day. Mid day, I get a text message saying Happy Birthday and then one asking if I wanted to go out to dinner. Ok.
So we went out to dinner but there was no verbal Happy Birthday!! No Cake, No Gift, No Card or flowers even. Money is not tight. I think he just thinks those things are unnecessary for me... It really hurt my feelings and he basically just says i am ungrateful for the dinner.

I always make a big deal out of his and all the boys' birthdays. Am I just being a whiner and after 12 years, this is all I can really expect?? Or am I justified in having hurt feelings?

I think the underlying problem is that you wanted 1 day to feel special, no matter what they do. Every one wants to be acknowledged.

Every one in my family was born around the Christmas holiday (me 1/1, oldest son 12/26, youngest 12/15 and husband 1/27) so by the time birthdays roll around we are usually flat broke and "gifted-out" so we generally don't spend a lot but we try very hard to make the "birthday" person feel the extra attention. Let them know, "hey we are sure glad you were born" !!

My dh is very good in that he will usually ask what I want a few weeks ago, some times it's just a cheesecake from the cheesecake factory that we all share some times I tell him just take the boys to the movies and pizza and let me have 1 entire day to window shop or go to the mall by myself.

I would sit down and have a chat with the hubby.

 

[theycallmered]

This post brought up some bad memories for me. I have terrible luck (and kind of terrible friends and family) when it comes to my birthday.

My mom's birthday is 8 days before mine. My husband's birthday is five days before mine. My cousin's is one day after. Even the dog I had as a child, his birthday was a few weeks before mine. I've NEVER had my own birthday cake. I've always shared it. It's always felt like my birthday is an afterthought to all the other birthday celebrations.

21st Birthday: Fiance has already started grad school out of state. Parents and I are in a fight. I have no birthday celebration.

22nd: I end up moving from IL to MN on my birthday. No one says Happy Birthday until noon. My future in-laws bring a cake for my fiance's birthday. I do not get a cake.

23rd: The plan was to hang out and drink with another couple for my birthday celebration. They announce that they are pregnant. Drinking alone on your birthday sucks.

24th: My husband is out of town at a conference in Santa Barbara, CA (while I am in MN). The only friends that wish me a happy birthday are the friends that live in states other than MN. I am totally alone for my birthday.

25th: I get locked in the bathroom at work for an hour and a half.

26th: Nothing too major. My husband has a softball game and did give me the option of having him skip the game but I know that if he does not show up that his team will not have enough members to play and thus be forced to forfeit. Oh, the watch he gives me does not work correctly and needed to be taken back to the store to get fixed.

27th: The husband is turning 30 and is in the midst of writing his Phd dissertation. We are also weeks away from moving from MN to CA. Everyone's attention is directed towards the husband turning 30 and him (FINALLY) graduating after six years of grad. school. My birthday finally comes and the husband tries to play is sly like he got my nothing for my birthday. This little act backfires cause I actually believe him and do not want to seem like a spoiled brat for asking for a present. This goes on until nearly 8:00 pm.

I have had so many bad birthday that now I just wish that I could skip the whole day and not have to even worry about the matter. The husband however wants me to have some kind of birthday celebration but fails to ever plan something himself.

Lessons learned:

Birthdays can suck. Most do.

The less you have to expect the less you'll be let down.

Everyone wants to have that great birthday but hardly anyone is willing or able to be that friend/sister/husband/child/wife to go out and throw an awesome birthday for someone else.

 

[sbell111]

I could care less if my wife didn't make a big deal about my birthdays. In fact, I would prefer if she didn't.

If your spouse sin't living up to your expectations, talk it over (reasonably) with him. We are not him.

 

[1stluvispooh]

Sorry you had a bad birthday. Now my take on it is guys are guys and chances are they are going to forget your birthday. So what I do is I give him a count down. "Honey 10 more days until my birthday" "7 days until my birthday". The other things is there are 2 days of the year that I refuse to cook and this has been since before we were married. They are our anniversary and my birthday. So if DH totally forgot it was my birthday he would come home to no dinner and everyone staring at him with hungry eyes. As for the cake. Well I order my own and the kids and I do a little cake "ceremony" without DH, he's not a sweets guy, ( I know how could I have married someone who doesn't really like sweets? ) Honestly with the whole gift thing. Well for us it depends on the money situation at the time of our birthdays. Sometimes we will tell the other I'm buying X for my birthday. We get money from our parents so a lot of times it goes towards whatever it is. So I guess my philosophy is a birthday is what you make of it.

 

[Hillbeans]

If you cannot be bothered to simply wish me a happy birthday - and I personally would be happy with just that- then obviously you don't value me very much. I am not a person who needs presents and hoopla.
cutie:

These are MTE.

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

I would start by assuming that my husband just didn't realize how important this was to me, and sit down and have a quiet discussion about next year's birthday. I would assume he would come through the next year.

If he didn't, I would declare the following day to be my also-birthday day, and do something really special for myself, inviting whoever I wanted to join me.

I would then assume my husband simply wasn't a birthday person, and plan exactly the kind of day I wanted for the following year, including him or not in the celebration, depending on whether his presence would make the day more or less special. Since I would then be sure he was not a birthday person, I would definitely ignore his birthday completely. If that bothered him it might lead to another calm conversation and a change for the better. If it didn't, well at least I would know I had a plan B that would work for me.

Sorry you've been hurt! Good luck next year.

 

[CJMickeyMouse]

I think the underlying problem is that you wanted 1 day to feel special, no matter what they do. Every one wants to be acknowledged.

No, no they don't. I don't want to feel special for one, two or three days of the year. We don't do cake.... no cards..... no balloons, streamers or gifts. We buy things when we want them (Flat screen HD Televisions make a wonderful "all holiday" gift for the family......)

We do things for each other, appreciate each other and "party" all the time... in our own way.

I think you need to sit down and lay out the ground rules with your DH. Tell him what you need to be happy. He may be on a totally different page than you are on how important holidays are, or should be.

I have one family member that spends a month telling everyone that their birthday is coming..... when it is..... what gifts they expect..... It's really quite sickening and turns me off even more on the whole "SPECIAL DAY" deal.

To each their own.... good luck with DH.

 

[Christine]

No, no they don't.

I think you need to sit down and lay out the ground rules with your DH. Tell him what you need to be happy. He may be on a totally different page than you are on how important holidays are, or should be.

How can this man not have a clue?

According to the OP, she goes all out for his birthday and the kids' birthdays. How can you live with someone for YEARS and watch them get cake, ice cream, balloons, etc. for everyone in the family and not even think "Well, she obviously enjoys that?"

I get what you are saying about communicating and making yourself clear to your spouse on what you need, but GEEZ, if you have to bang someone on the head, an adult for goodness sake, it's weird.

Also, I am right with you on those people who talk up their birthdays for a month. If you need to tell everyone about, what you want, etc., you've sucked the special right out of it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I get what you are saying about communicating and making yourself clear to your spouse on what you need, but GEEZ, if you have to bang someone on the head, an adult for goodness sake,

Exactly!

If he doesn't care enough to have noticed by now that she might really appreciate some special acknowledgment....
And, then thinks of her as ungrateful, when he didn't really do anything for her to be grateful/thankful for.

Look, I am not big on birthdays... gifts... Walmart roses... etc...
But I know just how it is when somebody doesn't care enough to make those small gestures... To do something because they love you enough to know that, no matter WHAT it is... how big or how small... just because they want to bring love and joy to your heart... I know that feeling...

Maybe there are those here that could not care any less about birthdays...
But, guess what... This thread isn't about you...

Maybe the OP's doesn't personally care that much about birthdays.
But, maybe he should care just a little bit about how his wife feels about birthdays.

 

[Poohbear123]

....For the past 10 years, I have been going to WDW for my Birthday...I go alone, and meet up with my DIS friends who "wish me Happy Birthday" and also get me a card or buy me a drink! My DH never so much as says HB, no gift, card, money, etc...and guess what...he gets the same from me.... nothing! Welcome to the "My DH is an A Club!"

 

[shortbun]

Sorry you had a bad birthday. Now my take on it is guys are guys and chances are they are going to forget your birthday. So what I do is I give him a count down. "Honey 10 more days until my birthday" "7 days until my birthday". The other things is there are 2 days of the year that I refuse to cook and this has been since before we were married. They are our anniversary and my birthday. So if DH totally forgot it was my birthday he would come home to no dinner and everyone staring at him with hungry eyes. As for the cake. Well I order my own and the kids and I do a little cake "ceremony" without DH, he's not a sweets guy, ( I know how could I have married someone who doesn't really like sweets? ) Honestly with the whole gift thing. Well for us it depends on the money situation at the time of our birthdays. Sometimes we will tell the other I'm buying X for my birthday. We get money from our parents so a lot of times it goes towards whatever it is. So I guess my philosophy is a birthday is what you make of it.

"Guys are Guys?!!!!" We're cutting them a break because they have different genitalia??? Give me a big fat break. Because they are MEN, I expect more out of them and the men in my family know they need to act like good men.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey, we don't need to get a guy bashing thread started here...
But, I too do not buy the 'He's a guy...." excuse.

I too have to say that do think that too many men get by with using their ***** as an excuse!

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

i'd be upset too. i mean even if there was a card involved, that would have been nice. you should probably mention it to him, that you didn't appreciate that.