No Gift or Cake for B-day. Would you be upset?

[etoiles]

I agree with the other posters that state that you have to pump up your birthday before it happens and state what you want for it.

One time DH did not plan one thing, not even a dinner for me and it made me really depressed. Afterwards I told him how it made me feel and told him that he should always plan at least a dinner out so from then on he knew.

One year he also gave me a trashcan as a birthday present (a nice stainless steel one, but it was still a trashcan) and I bring it up as jokes all the time and told him what a disappointing gift it was. So each year I joke in the month before that I don't want trashcans, rakes or hoses (was a gift a different year), etc, etc.... nothing chore related.

He has gotten it but I do remind him about it regularly esp. in the month beforehand!

 

[Planogirl]

This is a sore point for me. My DH usually ignores all holidays and then just picks up whatever as gifts for birthdays and Christmas. It doesn't matter if I make lists or drop hints or tell him outright, he still just buys outlandish things, that is if he buys anything at all. It's not that I want things really but I want the acknowledgement and some sense that he puts some thought into what he's doing.

I feel for you and definitely understand.

 

[jlima]

I'm sorry your day was disappointing. And Happy Birthday!

3 jobs ago, my boss did absolutely NOTHING for me on Secretary's Day, when every other admin and support staff had gifts, flowers, were rearranging schedules so they could go out to lunch, etc. I had nothing on my desk, no gifts, no cards, no flowers and not one special anything had been done by my boss . . . until about 11:30 am, when she sent me an email and offered to take me to lunch . . . the following Monday. (this was after the office manager asked me when I was going to lunch and I said at Noon when I normally go and she said "isn't ___ taking you anywhere?" and I said not that I know of!) I nearly went home and probably should have, I was so upset that I was stuck with working for such a nitwit.

Be good to yourself, because no one else will. The week before, just ask What are we doing for my birthday? and if he doesn't plan anything then plan it yourself.

 

[JJsmama]

Hello All, OP here.

Thanks for all the Birthday Wishes and support.

My husband does know that he has hurt my feelings so maybe next year will be better. He does not drop the ball every year, but some years he seems to take me more for granted than others.

I have done some thinking and realize some of the disappointment was a little bit my fault. I purposely did not remind him or make the plans myself, or bake the cake myself. I wanted to see what would happen. I guess that is not a smart thing for a wife to do. Also, I think I put a lot of pressure on him to meet all my emotional needs himself because we are so far away from all our friends and family for 4 years now. I would really have liked to go to my mother's house and eaten a cake she would have made, but I live on the other side of the world, and I think I expected him to take up the slack. Maybe that was unfair.

He is not as emotionally demonstrative as I would have liked, for sure. However, he does try and show me he appreciates me in other ways on random days and I should remember those times more. For instance, two weeks ago he planned a date night and totally came up with the plan, reservations, babysitter, etc for no reason at all. I think maybe we females put too much emphasis on actual Days and I am going to try to stop doing that. It is not good for my marriage. if he did not have these redeeming qualities, however, he might be totally out of luck..

Thanks again for the support when I needed it.

 

[shortbun]

Go buy yourself a bday gift - you deserve it!

Amen sister!!! Get something really nice! Teach your sons to do better than their dad, ask them to make you something or give you a foot rub, big hug, 1/2 hour of their time just playing cards or doing something you like.

 

[antmaril]

Deleted - sorry.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, I understand exactly how you feel. My birthday and DH's is the same day and he still doesn't do anything!! Years ago I would have a cake and gifts from me and the kids waiting for him when he got home from work. I have tried to explain to him that he doesn't even have to buy anything, just stop and pick some wildflowers on the side of the road! Just something to let me know he is thinking about it. Nope, nothing.

So every year on that day, I go out to lunch with my friends from work. They usually have the waiter/waitress bring out dessert; but even if they don't we have a nice lunch. I look forward to something from the kids and I ignore dh. It was either that or be mad at him every year and that gets really tiring.

 

[NMAmy]

I have done some thinking and realize some of the disappointment was a little bit my fault. I purposely did not remind him or make the plans myself, or bake the cake myself.

I think you did set yourself up for disappointment. I've made it easy on DH--my birthday and our anniversary is the same day so he only has to do this stuff once a year. But I remind him that the date is coming up--once he gets that reminder, he hops into action.

Birthdays and holidays were not a big deal in his family but they were in mine. It's not a normal thing for him so I have no problem giving him reminders. I know it's sort of strange to him so I cut him some slack.

Happy Birthday!

 

[blana]

*hugs*
I'm in a similar boat. Birthday was last Thursday. We went to see DH's GF for supper like we do every Thursday, so nothing special for supper. He DID pick up an ice cream cake (HIS favorite) for dessert, but never got the kids to say HB or anything. My gift (which I picked out, showed him where to get it for the best price, etc.) was left lying on the dining room table for a week. He never "gave" it to me. Two days after my birthday, I realized he was never going to GIVE it to me, so just went & grabbed it to use.

 

[Frantasmic]

Okay, sounds like the guy had it on his Outlook at work. He's not too bright for not knowing how to set up reminders for 2 days BEFORE an event.

So, at least he remembered, if late. That's all the credit he gets. He should have then really made it up to you, which a dinner is only about half of doing that.

Anyway, IMO, the means in which he REALLY bombed this was in not making sure the kids made a big deal for mommy's birthday. Kids love all that stuff and that is where he messed up royally. You should have had gifts and cards from each of them and a nice floral arrangement or larger gift from all of them.

So, show him how to set his outlook or reminder system to remind him in advance.

 

[luvmy3]

My dh never remembers my birthday until about halfway through the day so I completely understand. I have given up on the thought that one day he will just remember and say happy b-day when he wakes up and whip out something, even if its just a card. He seems to be able to remember his brother's birthday every year and never forgets to call him

 

[Christine]

I am not a "celebration" type person--meaning that I don't make a big deal out of birthdays, mother's day, etc. I'm pretty happy with what I term a small acknowlegement.

I think on your birthday you should get a "Happy Birthday" and a cake (if cake is your thing). Your family should be extra nice to you and sing happy birthday. For me, no gift required.

Since I have children, I've tried to make it a point to make them acknowledge other people's important days (birthdays mainly). I involve them in picking out a cake and gifts if there will be any. Even though this is not important to me, personally, I would like to think that when they grow up they will do these things for people who really require it.

This is where your DH dropped the ball. While you're are setting a good example for your kids, you DH didn't get them involved in doing something nice for you. I think that's the issue here. Rather than take you out, I think he should have gotten the kids and gone out and got you a cake with a TON of candles, decorated a bit, and had a festive little party at home.

 

[Piecey]

It wouldn't bother me too much because I know stuff like that isn't important to my DH. He's come a long way... when we first got together he didn't understand having to get me a Christmas present but he makes an effort now because he sees what it means to me.

I think it's because he grew up in a family that didn't really do presents because they didn't have the money. My mom will use any excuse available to her to buy us a present... my easter "basket" this year was transformed into a tub that was overflowing. She's a bit ridiculous so I realize I have rather odd expectations of holidays

Today is my birthday, actually. DH won't get me something because I ordered a Vera Bradley bag last week and called it my present. He'd rather I do that because he's off the hook and he knows I'm happy!! But he woke me up to tell me Happy Birthday and that he loved me lots this morning.

 

[Piecey]

double post! Sorry!

 

[Pigeon]

I'd be angry about it.

 

[SC Minnie]

Since Dh and I have the SAME birthday he never forgets. We always tell each other Happy Birthday first thing that morning and plan a nice dinner- usually at home. Since we do share a birthday we like to plan a weekend trip around then and call it our birthday present. Last year we were at WDW on our birthday.

OP-- I would be upset if DH didn't at least remember my birthday with a nice card. And the fact that you do so much for his and your kids birthdays mean you really view birthdays as important.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I'd be angry about it.

So would I and I would be very hurt. To be honest I cannot stand reading or hearing people say "Men don't know any better" or some other version of that. They are not idiots. Your Birthday is the same date EVERY year. It's not like the date changes. If in 364 days they cannot remember the one day then I am sorry but that is just nothing more than a man who cannot be bothered. If you cannot be bothered to simply wish me a happy birthday - and I personally would be happy with just that- then obviously you don't value me very much. I am not a person who needs presents and hoopla. I don't even care to do anything special for my birthday. I do however treasure my DH remembering and wishing me a happy day. If you can't manage even that then that has nothing to do with being a man and everything to do with being self absorbed.

OP- I am sorry you had a rotten day. I too would have been upset.
Happy Belated Birthday!

 

[MIGrandma]

I used to be upset when DH didn't make a big deal about my birthday, but he wasn't raised to think birthdays were special days like I was raised.

Several years ago we decided to just start going out to celebrate our birthdays. No cakes, no cards, no flowers, no gifts. Now the least we do is go out to dinner and the birthday person chooses the restaurant. More often we will go away for a night or two, to celebrate each other's birthday. To me, that is more fun than getting a card and flowers.

I finally changed my way of thinking about birthdays, after several years of marriage and disappointments over him not doing anything special for me. I realized he's a wonderful husband in every other way, and to appreciate the man he was/is and not try to change him. Made it a lot easier, and no more hurt feelings and disappointments. We've been married 34 years.

 

[wdwfan16]

Ok, yesterday was my birthday. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have 3 sons and I still think he doesn't 'get it.' I think he forgot my birthday until the morning of the day. Mid day, I get a text message saying Happy Birthday and then one asking if I wanted to go out to dinner. Ok.
So we went out to dinner but there was no verbal Happy Birthday!! No Cake, No Gift, No Card or flowers even. Money is not tight. I think he just thinks those things are unnecessary for me... It really hurt my feelings and he basically just says i am ungrateful for the dinner.

I always make a big deal out of his and all the boys' birthdays. Am I just being a whiner and after 12 years, this is all I can really expect?? Or am I justified in having hurt feelings?

Has he ever done these things for your previous birthdays?

Have you told him what you would like him to do?

I am no help since my DH is great. He never forgets. He has even made me a birthday cake. Baking is not his forte but he really tired.

 

[kimmar067]

...this whole thread just points out the obvious:

Men ARE from Mars and women are from Venus...

....BTW ~ all YOUR DH's MUST be related to mine...