New Year New Me I want to walk out of my marriage

[HonestAbe]

I think DVCJones and a couple of others have made some good points...if you think there is any chance that you still want to be with him, you should consider counseling. What if you are clinically depressed and dont know it or are unwilling to accept it? I think everyone thinks dark thoughts sometimes and occasionally you need a third party to help.

My honey and I have had our fair share or more of problems. There were times where we were close to going separate ways. But we have always come through and one thing I have never doubted is my love for her.

As I said earlier, marriage takes work. Sometimes it's hard to find the energy, but if you think there's a chance in your heart...

Either way you should make a decision and commit. If you stay, get some marriage counseling and try to make it work. It will take your efforts and his to happen if it's going to. Or...move on...but you really should decide.

Best of luck and may you have the strength to follow your heart.

 

[scrump]

Now, parents often think that staying together for the kids is a noble thing and than they can hide some of the problems from us. Much as your kids caught on I assure you we all do. We know that there is something just not right and while we might be to young, naive, or both to figure it out we will. I think all of our lives would have been much happier (tougher maybe but definitely happier) had my parents just divorced the first time they separated when I was 10.

Man oh man, do I agree with this. I pretty much went through the same as a child.

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this, and good luck to whatever you choose to do. It is not easy, and I hope you will find your way.

 

[Princess_Nikki]

Hugs

 

[HeatherC]

I am probably the voice of dissent here, but I think you need to work on yourself and your marriage at the same time and do everything you can to save it.

I'm sorry...you both made a vow to be husband and wife "for better or worse...till death do us part." Why is it ok to now break that vow and walk away?

I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful...truly. I just think the sanctity of marriage has been lost in our society and that if there is ANY chance to save it, you have a responsibility to yourself and your entire family to give it everything you can. Your family is worth far too much to just "give it all up".

Talk to your husband and let him know exactly how you feel. (I have a feeling he may not know the extent of how you are feeling.) Then find a good marriage counselor and go into it with the mindset that you want to save your marriage and how can we fix it. Not with the mindset that it is a temporary measure that you are just going through the steps to fix it.

I also think your family probably needs family counseling as well. Sounds like your kids have a lot of pent up feelings that they can't express openly towards their Dad.

Don't get me wrong...I'd be ready to kill dh if he ever did anything like yours did. But it does sound like he has been trying to atone for his mistakes.

Maybe with some help, you can both recapture some of those feelings you first had when you met and were dating.

From what I have seen, divorce can decimate a family and have life long consequences. In some instances, I believe this is the best alternative. But from what you have said in your post, I have a feeling your marriage is far too good to let it go.

I'm sincerely wishing you the best and hope 2010 is the year that you can make some great progress in your marriage.

 

[vettechick99]

I don't agree in walking out of a marriage (I walked out of my first, so it's not like I'm sitting on a high horse ). I think you should look into Retrouvaille. You can google it, and will see how it has transformed many marriages.

 

[MIGrandma]

If you're not sure you want to end it, I think counselling could really help you. I think you and your husband should go, but also your whole family could use counselling. I would guess your children are hurting, too.

I completely agree. You may think counseling wouldn't help, but you won't know until you try and I think you owe it to yourself and your children to give it a try. A good try. Like for several months, and see what happens. If your husband will go, you can each get personal counseling plus as a couple. 19 years is a long marriage to just throw away. And how would you make it on your own with a minimum wage job? You would probably need to go back to school in order to get a better job to support yourself and your children. I really think counseling should be your first, and most important, step. Good luck to you!

 

[susykt4]

I agree with everyone who said you should find a job now. Not only will it provide income, but you will also have adult socialization and the opportunity to make friends. Or, go back to school (maybe start at a community college) and you will have the same social opportunities. If you make your present situation better, you will have time to figure out a better plan than dropping everything and running to a different state with no job, money, idea what you are doing. Sounds exciting, but probably would become beyond depressing in no time unless you got extremely lucky.

 

[TamaraQT]

I agree with HeatherC but the ultimate decision is yours. The foundation of your marriage has a lot to do with too but it is not my place to judge or preach to you. Like OP said, I would be ready to kill my husband, but actually until you experience it you really dont know what you would do or how to handle it. HOWEVER, since you are asking opinions, I am going to give mine.

1. Tell your husband how you honestly feel.
2. Suggest you get counseling for yourself, kids, as a couple and as a family.
3. Start thinking about your future in the event you decide to leave after all

My experience in life has been that it is easier to walk away from someone in life or in death when you can honestly tell yourself that you did all you could and couldnt do any more than that. So later in life neither yourself or your kids can point blame at you because you hung in there, got professional help, and for the past few years tried to keep it together despite your unhappiness. No one can blame you for trying and if you gave it all your best, and it didnt work out, then I am sure you will be able to sleep peacefully at night. I give you a lot of credit. You hung in there and tried to go on. Some would have left and demanded he support you or had him leave the house and still be responsible financially until you could decide what was best for you and the kids. He is the one that was unfaithful and broke the vows. Don't carry ANY guilt inside for wanting to leave. You deserve to be happy and he deserves what ever he gets in the end. Now thats all I have to say about that. Best of luck to you and your family. I will be supportive in whatever you decide.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP, get a job and some counseling. Begin to work on yourself.

You may never resolve the feelings with your dh however you have to get yourself on track first to get into a healthier state of mind to make good decisions for your future.

My 13yodd is in counseling and the thing that sticks out from it to apply here is making decisions totally based on emotion is not a good strategy for life.

 

[tar heel]

OP -- You need to work on YOU -- get into counseling ASAP. You desperately need help to figure out what to do.

I would recommend the same for your DH.

 

[bumbershoot]

I'm sorry...you both made a vow to be husband and wife "for better or worse...till death do us part."

Just to be annoying and specific, not everyone has those vows *at all*.

My experience in life has been that it is easier to walk away from someone in life or in death when you can honestly tell yourself that you did all you could and couldnt do any more than that.

That's definitely how my best friend feels about her marriage. She hung in there, doing EVERYTHING she could do, to try to get their marriage back after she found out about his affair and other lies (nothing like hugging your hubby at a NYE party, finding a mystery cellphone in his pocket, and having your world unravel from that discovery). She did everything SHE could do, but ultimately he wasn't interested in finding his way back to their marriage, and she filed. She wasn't happy to do it, but she knew she had tried.

 

[Jennasis]

I don't believe that anyone here is qualified to give advice on what you should or should not do. We are all strangers to your situation. Even with the info you provided (which I couldn't read, as it was deleted), we don't know all the particulars, the ins-and-outs of your daily life. So rather than tell you to LEAVE HIM, or to tell you have YOU MUST FIGHT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE...I will say this:

Here's a big hug. What you are going through sucks. I offer you my sincerest wish that no matter what you decide to do, that it works out for you.

 

[clovergirl5]

Having been deleted, I think I get the jist of what was posted.
Op, sounds like you got a lot of good advice here
I send you my best wishes and hope that everything works out in the end.

 

[ohiomom28]

Even reading everyone's posts, its too hard to tell the whole story since the original post was deleted. What happened to the rule?

 

[PaulaSB12]

Not having any experience of marriage all I can offer is