New parents - did you have "help" at home after the birth?

[princesspumpkin]

Inspired in part by a conversation with one of my patients. I asked her if she was going to have help when she got home with the baby (and her toddler). She said yes, the same one that's been there since her last baby. I thought that her resposne was kind of "impersonal" (considering that most of my patients have their mother or MIL with them). Later, I found out that she reported me for asking her if she had a MAID : Anyway, just wondering if people had help other than their partner at home. My mother stayed with me for one week (at her request, not mine). Dh's sister looked at me like I was some sort of diva Even though i didn't need the help, it made her feel needed.

 

[CJMickeyMouse]

Again I know I am probably in the minority.... but NO WAY. That is bonding time for the new baby, siblings and mom and dad. I had c-sections with both boys and did not want help of any kind other than my husband.

I wouldn't have it any other way, but to each their own!

 

[Christine]

Yeah, my mom took off work for 2 weeks and came over everyday so I could have a nap, relax, and to help me get food together. I could have done without it, but the help was sure handy. DH couldn't get time off work.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

My mom stayed a week with the first 2. For the 3rd, she kept DS and DD at her house for a week. She brought them over everyday to see their baby brother. I thought it was a breeze to just take care of a newborn after having 2 children.

Lori

 

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

Honestly we found it so stressful to have people move in with us for the first two weeks after DS was born that when DD was born we requested no one visit for the first week at least! All our parents lived in different states than us and when they came it was having houseguests AND a new baby. Didn't turn out to be much "help". But yes I guess I had some "help" the first time and no the second time. We also got their visits to be shorter the second time.

 

[Beth76]

Only my husband. With the first, I only had him at home for 3 days. With the second, close to two weeks. I was quite capable of dealing with a newborn and a toddler and a newborn on my own. To be honest it kind of bothers me that people assume mothers can't deal with it on their own. That they need a mother or MIL around to help out. Newborns are easy to deal with. If you can't handle it when the child sleeps 80% of the time, what are you going to do later?

 

[mrsltg]

Again I know I am probably in the minority.... but NO WAY. That is bonding time for the new baby, siblings and mom and dad. I had c-sections with both boys and did not want help of any kind other than my husband.

I wouldn't have it any other way, but to each their own!

Ditto! Mom and Dad camped out in our townhouse after our first was born. They were there for 3 days after she was born. No thank-you, and never again! Rather than being helpful, my dad kept telling me what to do. Mom wanted to follow dh and I everywhere to take pictures. When ds was born they left the morning after I came home. When dd was born, we asked everyone to stay away until we were home and settled for awhile. My parents came down when Caroline was 12 days old. They stayed for 4 days and I felt like I had to entertain. If I ever have another baby guests can stay at a hotel!

 

[princesspumpkin]

Only my husband. With the first, I only had him at home for 3 days. With the second, close to two weeks. I was quite capable of dealing with a newborn and a toddler and a newborn on my own. To be honest it kind of bothers me that people assume mothers can't deal with it on their own. That they need a mother or MIL around to help out. Newborns are easy to deal with. If you can't handle it when the child sleeps 80% of the time, what are you going to do later?

Beth, I feel the same way. But after taking care of patients for 20 years, I know that most of them feel the need for some "mothering" after they get home. Like in the old days where the new mom wouldn't do anything at all while her mother or doula like person did everything. I do know that there are patients that are sent home who are too sick or in pain to do much more than lay on the sofa, but i also know that there are those that would prefer to stay in the hospital to get a little extra nurse "mothering".

 

[laurajetter]

I did not want anyone at home with me except DH and our new baby. We valued that together time and just getting to know each other. We actually let all of our parents know that the first week was ours to be with our baby. Whether they listened was a different story ... my mom was itching to come over 3 or 4 days in.

I didn't want my mom or mil there to take care of the baby; Sure they had experience doing it, but how did they get that experience? Now it was my turn, especially because DH and I had our own thoughts about certain things which didn't completely mesh with how our parents did things and I didn't feel like continually having to explain/defend how we wanted things done.

That said, I realize there are people who do like to have help, and that's perfectly fine if that is their preference; I think it was out of line for that person to treat you the way she did.

Laura

 

[cats mom]

The in-laws were in town before I even made it home from the hospital with DD #1 to "help" and it was stressful beyond words.

My MIL was there to help hold the baby.
She does not cook, clean, or run errands.


For me it was much better to be on my own and just call a friend to come over for an hour or two if I needed.
I made that VERY clear to DH so he could pass the news along to his parents for the next time.

I think it's a very individual thing and depends on what kind of help you're getting.

 

[mickeyboat]

My mother came to visit each time when the each kid was about 3 weeks old. She said she came to help, but she spent most of the day rocking and holding the babies, and I was happy to have her here. She and I planned a small party for my friends at work so they could all come and see the baby. It wasn't that I needed the help, but she needed to visit, and used "helping" as an excuse to come.

I can understand why someone might want help if they had an unusually difficult delivery or complications with a baby when there was a sibling at home. Or maybe even if the person was a single mother, who needed a little break for a short time every day, I could see them needing help. Heck, my babies were both colicky, and if DH wasn't around to "help" during the evenings, I don't know what would have happened to me.

For the most part I think when people come to help, they are using it as an excuse to visit, and the moms would probably be just fine without them.

Denae

 

[tw1nsmom]

I delivered five weeks early, so my mom couldn't come stay until the second week (needed a little time to arrange for time off from work). The first week though DS was still in the hospital, so I only had one baby home (DD). Luckily, the doctor gave me permission to drive early so that I could get to and from the hospital to visit/feed DS.

When Mom did come, she made it a point to concentrate on the household stuff and let me take care of the babies (what I wanted). She made sure that by the time she left the house was immaculate (didn't stay that way) and that I had all kinds of food and supplies to make things a little easier. I was afraid that if she helped too much with the babies, I wouldn't be able to handle it when she left.

She's the only one I could have dealt with though. I kept MIL as far away as possible. Actually, during the first week her and I had WWIII, and she was more than happy to stay away. DD had eating apnea (don't know if that's the right name)...she would forget to breathe when she ate. MIL was at the house the second time that it happened. When I saw DD turning blue, I yelled to her to get DH out of the office, and I began to vigorously rub the babies back, the way the nurses taught me, to stimulate her breathing again. MIL started yelling at me to calm down and grabbed the baby out of my arms. Luckily DH walked in at that moment, grabbed DD back, continued the rubbing treatment and told his mother to get out. She later called to "apologize", but ended up saying incredibly hurtful things instead. It took a long time before I could be in the same room as her, and it changed our relationship forever.

Sooo, I guess I would advise new mothers to accept help, but to make sure the people who come into their house during that time are there to support them, not criticize.

 

[Nancy]

No, no help for me for any of them. I wouldn't have wanted it either. MY DH was home for a few days with each one but that was because we had our kids on the right days and he was off for either holidays or the weekend. I do know with #2 I was a bit concerned about handling an 18 month old and a newborn, but it wasn't all that bad. When #3 came a few years later it was a breeze! I had friends that had no clue how I could get all of us ready and out to the mall by myself...she though I was crazy to attempt that on my own. (I had all 3 kids in 5 years time) so no one was in school when #3 was born. There was no way I was staying stuck in the house all day, so we went out.

 

[Sonya]

I didn't have anyone round the clock, if that is what you mean, and I wish I had!

I had a very bad c-section and was in a lot of pain, plus other very bad complications. When you add sleep deprivation to the list I wasn't in a good place. I was overwhelmed. DH was at work and my DM or DMIL would come over in the evenings on some days. Thank goodness DH does laundry!

I feel that I needed time with DS and that was most important. Household chores could be left to others for all I cared. I also feel that the mom needs time to recover, mentally and physically. We do so much alone these days, in the past you would have had lots of family and friends around you to help.

 

[golfgal]

My mom came and "helped" after our first was born. I was kind of glad to see her leave. When the twins came my MIL stayed with us for 2 weeks and I cried when she left. She did all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, etc for those two weeks. She was great!

It was really nice having someone there the first night with both coming homes though. Both moms stayed up when the babies were crying so I could get some much needed rest. After the first night the babies settled down and slept better at night.

 

[Feralpeg]

Nope. I was in the hospital for 3 days because I had a C-section. My sister picked DD and I up from the hospital and dropped us off at home. It was just me, DD, two dogs and a cat. I will admit that it was hard some times getting up every three hours with no one to relieve me. I'm not the type to fall asleep easily so I was really tired, but we managed.

 

[disykat]

My mom came when my first was born. Although she helped me, I don't think either of us felt it was because I "needed" help. It was because her first child was being born, she lived in another country, and she wanted to time her visit to welcome her first grandchild into the world. It was nice to have her help since I had a c-section and dh wasn't able to take much time off at that time.

My second child, my parents were back in the states, so they planned on coming when/if I needed them. I called them about a week before the baby was born because I had reached my due date and my older child was exhausting me. They came, but left the day after I got home from the hospital because dh was taking some time off. That time, their visit was all about helping me with my older child and being there to watch him while I was in the hospital, as well as a chance to see the new baby.

I think the ideal situation would be to have parents living nearby who were willing to come help if needed. I'd hate to think of having a c-section and going home with no help at all. Even if you're feeling great, the not driving after surgery for two weeks thing can be very limiting.

 

[welovedisneyx4]

Newborns are easy to deal with. If you can't handle it when the child sleeps 80% of the time, what are you going to do later?

I haven't read this whole thread yet, but I have to respond to this. If your newborn slept 80% of the time, consider yourself lucky!!! My 2 didn't see sleep as a priority, which therefore meant I didn't get any sleep.

I'll expand on the help I had after I read all the posts.

 

[tinaluis]

I would have liked some help, especially with my first, but my mom was already in heaven, my SILs were in Europe, and I was the first of my siblings to give birth. I survived, and went on to have two more, but it would have been nice to have some help.

 

[skooniebird]

Inspired in part by a conversation with one of my patients. I asked her if she was going to have help when she got home with the baby (and her toddler). She said yes, the same one that's been there since her last baby. I thought that her resposne was kind of "impersonal" (considering that most of my patients have their mother or MIL with them). Later, I found out that she reported me for asking her if she had a MAID : Anyway, just wondering if people had help other than their partner at home. My mother stayed with me for one week (at her request, not mine). Dh's sister looked at me like I was some sort of diva Even though i didn't need the help, it made her feel needed.

I was 23 when I had my DD and had a 18 month old DS at home. Hubby took vacation the first week, and the second week my mom came for about 2 hours a day. With the 3rd child, the 2 older ones were 6 and 8 so they just helped get diapers or kepp an eye out while I showered or had to potty. My SIL has had her mom come for 6 weeks after every one of her kids was born. And this is from South Dakota out to Utah! But my SIL never learned to give her first 2 a bath until after they turned 2. My brother always had to do it. Now they have a 17 yr old, a 10 yr old, a 2 1/2 yr old and a 6 month old. She has the older 2 (girls) take care of the younger 2 (boys) ALOT. To each his own and whatever works for your family I guess. My only problem I ever had was with the first 2 18 months apart and trying to nurse the baby while the toddler was jumping around looking for this or that or asking for things.