Nevermind.... UPDATE

[Mimi1965]

But the child who has messed around in college for the last 3 years -you need to put your foot down and say "no more loans-figure out a way to pay it yourself"

 

[PixieDustandEeyore]

sorry guys... I had to remove it... I was venting and realized I was going out and that would have been worse... everyone would have been.. "why did OP write that and not reply"

My life is just very frustrating right now.... I am on the waiting list for a kidney transplant... have a 21 year old who does not complete their college courses.. while I take out loan after loan... I am sick of hearing "in a minute" or "i was just about to" when I ask my kids to do something ...

Yesterday I told my 21 year old to get out of the house... because they told me to "go away" when I was talking to them about the school loan/ etc mess they have made....

My 8 year old would not make her bed this AM and my DH forgot to make the last payment on our car loan... I mean the totally last payment !!!!! That was the last straw this AM

So my thread was basically asking if you can YAGE out of your family!!!

Us in the 21 22 age group are tough to get along with ...im 22 finished college and such i never found it hard to make it to classes etc.
Just stop paying and make the 21 year old get their own loans my mom made me get my own loans

 

[akhenaten]

But the child who has messed around in college for the last 3 years -you need to put your foot down and say "no more loans-figure out a way to pay it yourself"

ITA I have said that! and at least now my DH is on the same page.....

So she is driving in a car we bought her .. using a cell phone we pay for .. telling people we don't help her...

MY Dh and I will be taking time tomorrow to decide on what we are willing to do to help her..... I feel that we should tell her to get her own phone and I already told her she needs to clear up her mess (is she academically suspended? the gov't recalculated her last loan so she owes money to the school now) and get her own loans for the future...

right now she is staying with her aunt... I don't know how it got to this point!!! I tried so hard to raise her right and support her!!!

 

[minkydog]

Well, put on your flame suit, girl. Because you know what's comin...

You get no flames from me. I have vented loud and long about the trials & tribulations of living with DS23. We had to do pretty much what you did. He didn't want to live by our rules (get a job or go to school, pay rent, do your own laundry, clean up behind yourself.) He basically wanted to live the life of a child with the privileges of an adult. Um, no, I don't think so. John has lived away from home for about a year now and it has been very hard on me at times. But in the end, it has actually been good for all of us (and he has told his dad that he's "a better person" when he's not living at home. More power to him!)

When John decided he wanted to go to community college we said, fine, we'll help you. Well, he gave a half-@$$ed effort and got about what he put into it. He did manage to get a few credits, but after 3 semesters of that I pulled the plug. We mutually decided that it was time for him to just get a job, which he did.

Long story short, by the time our kids are 21 they have been legal adults for 3 years. I'm all for helping my young adults who are busily trying to better themselves, working industriously at school or job, and generally making a brave attempt to be a good citizen. But I do not believe it is my job to pay their way when they aren't making much effort on their own. Sometimes letting them fail is the best thing you can do for your adult child. The thing we learned from our big fat fiasco last year is that young adults are not without resources. They WILL find a way. And when their life gets difficult enough, hungry enough, and scared enough, they WILL pull themselves together and start making progress.

Will John ever finish college? Will your DD? I don't know. It's not over til it's over. I find that 20s today are the teens of my generation. They don't seem to be quite ready to leave the nest as soon as we were. But that doesn't mean they CAN't If we keep padding the nest, bringing them worms, and generally making life easy for them, our kids have no incentive to get up and leave. And isn't that what we want, ultimately? THat our kids will grow up and start living their lives separately from us?

Here's a hug. I know you must need it.

 

[MIGrandma]

You do have an awful lot on your plate right now.

 

[akhenaten]

Well, put on your flame suit, girl. Because you know what's comin...

You get no flames from me. I have vented loud and long about the trials & tribulations of living with DS23. We had to do pretty much what you did. He didn't want to live by our rules (get a job or go to school, pay rent, do your own laundry, clean up behind yourself.) He basically wanted to live the life of a child with the privileges of an adult. Um, no, I don't think so. John has lived away from home for about a year now and it has been very hard on me at times. But in the end, it has actually been good for all of us (and he has told his dad that he's "a better person" when he's not living at home. More power to him!)

When John decided he wanted to go to community college we said, fine, we'll help you. Well, he gave a half-@$$ed effort and got about what he put into it. He did manage to get a few credits, but after 3 semesters of that I pulled the plug. We mutually decided that it was time for him to just get a job, which he did.

Long story short, by the time our kids are 21 they have been legal adults for 3 years. I'm all for helping my young adults who are busily trying to better themselves, working industriously at school or job, and generally making a brave attempt to be a good citizen. But I do not believe it is my job to pay their way when they aren't making much effort on their own. Sometimes letting them fail is the best thing you can do for your adult child. The thing we learned from our big fat fiasco last year is that young adults are not without resources. They WILL find a way. And when their life gets difficult enough, hungry enough, and scared enough, they WILL pull themselves together and start making progress.

Will John ever finish college? Will your DD? I don't know. It's not over til it's over. I find that 20s today are the teens of my generation. They don't seem to be quite ready to leave the nest as soon as we were. But that doesn't mean they CAN't If we keep padding the nest, bringing them worms, and generally making life easy for them, our kids have no incentive to get up and leave. And isn't that what we want, ultimately? THat our kids will grow up and start living their lives separately from us?

Here's a hug. I know you must need it.

LOL about the flame suit... i have been on the dis long enough to know you don't always "enjoy" some responses!!

I have followed your story minky and i have to say it has given me the courage to be tough on my dd!! I don't think it will be good for her in the long run to keep heading in the direction we have been going in!

I had been wavering between the theory that we keep supporting and try and push her along and that someday she would be happy we did... and the theory that she will not move forward until we let go and she have to do it on her own!!! The last straws were the lack of motivation to clear up this loan/insurance/suspension situation and of course the telling me to go away... as she was laying on my couch with the remote in her hand!!

The thing I feel the worst about is how my 8 year old will react.... she just loves her big sis!!

UGH!!!
Thank you for your words of encouragement and for sharing... it really does help to know that others have been there !!!

 

[akhenaten]

Hang in there. Life just sucks sometimes.

You do have an awful lot on your plate right now.

Thank you!

 

[cm8]

Thank you!

 

[minkydog]

I had been wavering between the theory that we keep supporting and try and push her along and that someday she would be happy we did... and the theory that she will not move forward until we let go and she have to do it on her own!!!

Okay, now I have to tell you *my* story. The way I liked to tell it way back then was basically "MY MOM THREW ME OUTTA THE HOUSE!" Boo-hoo! What I didn't tell people was that I was an obnoxious, know-it-all 20yr old who thought she could do as she pleased in her mother's house. One day she had enough of it and gave me 5 minutes to vacate the premesis. I called a friend and I was OUTTA there. Of course, my way of telling the story got me a lot of sympathy from people who didn't know the back story. Mostly among my friends. I was very self-righteous about it for a while there. I even told people that my mother wasn't going to get me anything for Christmas. How obnoxious is that! Eventually, I came to my senses (read: I GOT A CLUE ) Eventually, I began to see that my mother had done me a HUGE favor. IF she had kept putting up with my stunts, I would have kept pulling them. But having to fend for myself was eye-opening and I found out pretty quick that there's no free lunch. Everybody has to pay their way, one way or another. So today I can say, my mother did me a favor. But at the time, I was just so full of myself I couldn't see it.

 

[Hillbeans]

I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to be paying $$$ for college courses while my child wasn't taking it seriously. I think community or technical college would be a better option at this point - getting an AA is better than having 3 years of college at a 4 year school with no degree in sight. Not everyone is ready to commit to the rigors of college once they get their first taste of freedom. I agree with Minky that sometimes letting our child fail, no matter how hard it can be to watch, is the only way they will learn a life lesson.

I can't imagine how frustrating this is on its own, let alone while you are dealing with an illness. Sounds like "mom" needs to go away for the weekend and let the chips fall where they may, let everyone try to figure things out on their own for a few days and give you a break.

 

[akhenaten]

Okay, now I have to tell you *my* story. The way I liked to tell it way back then was basically "MY MOM THREW ME OUTTA THE HOUSE!" Boo-hoo! What I didn't tell people was that I was an obnoxious, know-it-all 20yr old who thought she could do as she pleased in her mother's house. One day she had enough of it and gave me 5 minutes to vacate the premesis. I called a friend and I was OUTTA there. Of course, my way of telling the story got me a lot of sympathy from people who didn't know the back story. Mostly among my friends. I was very self-righteous about it for a while there. I even told people that my mother wasn't going to get me anything for Christmas. How obnoxious is that! Eventually, I came to my senses (read: I GOT A CLUE ) Eventually, I began to see that my mother had done me a HUGE favor. IF she had kept putting up with my stunts, I would have kept pulling them. But having to fend for myself was eye-opening and I found out pretty quick that there's no free lunch. Everybody has to pay their way, one way or another. So today I can say, my mother did me a favor. But at the time, I was just so full of myself I couldn't see it.

Thanks for sharing!!
I used to think they called it "Tough Love" because it was tough on the child..... now I know who it REALLY is tough on!!!!

 

[kirstenb1]

ITA I have said that! and at least now my DH is on the same page.....

So she is driving in a car we bought her .. using a cell phone we pay for .. telling people we don't help her...

MY Dh and I will be taking time tomorrow to decide on what we are willing to do to help her..... I feel that we should tell her to get her own phone and I already told her she needs to clear up her mess (is she academically suspended? the gov't recalculated her last loan so she owes money to the school now) and get her own loans for the future...

right now she is staying with her aunt... I don't know how it got to this point!!! I tried so hard to raise her right and support her!!!

I don't have to tell you ....you don't need this crap along with a serious medical condition. Kids that age are so self absorbed. This is not your fault,and not your problem at this point. Please try to focus your efforts on your health.

 

[akhenaten]

I don't have to tell you ....you don't need this crap along with a serious medical condition. Kids that age are so self absorbed. This is not your fault,and not your problem at this point. Please try to focus your efforts on your health.

Thanks kirsten... i really appreciate that... Since they can't "see" my illness they just don't understand...

 

[bumbershoot]

 

[sunnyday123]

I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to be paying $$$ for college courses while my child wasn't taking it seriously. I think community or technical college would be a better option at this point - getting an AA is better than having 3 years of college at a 4 year school with no degree in sight. Not everyone is ready to commit to the rigors of college once they get their first taste of freedom. I agree with Minky that sometimes letting our child fail, no matter how hard it can be to watch, is the only way they will learn a life lesson.

I can't imagine how frustrating this is on its own, let alone while you are dealing with an illness. Sounds like "mom" needs to go away for the weekend and let the chips fall where they may, let everyone try to figure things out on their own for a few days and give you a break.

Exactly. I can't imagine that stress is a good thing for you now. She's 21. Treat her like an adult. Sit her down, give her the rules and let her know the free ride stops now. You've tried to help, now she has to do it on her own.

The "go away" makes me really mad. Does she know what you're going through, health-wise? That would have set me off, and hurt my feelings. That was a cruel and thoughtless thing of her to say, and honestly she'd be looking for another place to stay.

 

[AndreaDM]

The thing I feel the worst about is how my 8 year old will react.... she just loves her big sis!!

Wow, we have a lot in common! I also have a DD7 who ADORES her older sister, they have been BFFs since she was born. The past 4-6 months I've spent trying to explain oldest sister's behavior to her and deal with her when she is sad because she misses her. I don't want to make excuses for her behavior, but I also don't think little sis needs to know all the details. It's a tough place to be!

 

[akhenaten]

Wow, we have a lot in common! I also have a DD7 who ADORES her older sister, they have been BFFs since she was born. The past 4-6 months I've spent trying to explain oldest sister's behavior to her and deal with her when she is sad because she misses her. I don't want to make excuses for her behavior, but I also don't think little sis needs to know all the details. It's a tough place to be!

(((hug))) it really is horrible... i hope we can work through things... but right now it does not seem possible.... thankfully my DH is supportive... although he can't understand what my oldest is doing!

So trying to keep everyone else healthy and positive while the storm rages is a real struggle!!

My sister keeps saying I have to stop taking things personally... but my oldest is doing her best to be hurtful to me ... how do you not take it personally?? and it is not a once in a while thing....it is pretty constant...