Nephews vent (long)

[malibuconlee]

Let me start by saying that DH and I don't have any children. At this point we have no plans to have any, but are still open to discussion in the next few years.

I was not raised by June Cleaver, by any means, but we had certain "rules" growing up. Not just at home, but at the extended family's homes as well.

Do your kids have to wait to be excused from the table? When, if it's just the household eating, or if it's the extended family? I was a slow eater and never had much of a problem with being done before everyone else. But at my aunt's house we had to ask to be excused. She did try to teach us manners.

We were only allowed to eat and drink in the kitchen/dining room. On a RARE occasion we were allowed to eat on those lap TV trays that sit on the floor in the living room where there was wood, not carpet, so no worries about stains.

DH's sister knows this. If we're eating at the dining room table, fine the kids can eat and drink there, but she lets her kids take their "spillproof" cups all over the house when I've told her I prefer they are kept in the kitchen. The 5 year old sits his on my couch. The almost three year old gets pop in his and starts shaking it while we were opening presents. They made him stop because the carbonation can make it come out the top. I think it annoyed me the most because they knew we were putting the house on the market 5 days later and the last thing I need was stains.

I should let it go, but the things my nephews do annoy me. I actually had have my DH tell my FIL not to let the kids play with toys you had to hit with a plastic hammer on my expensive dining room set after I had asked him once.

I think my New Years' Resolution should be to not worry about or complain about the nephews, but I just can't help it.

The 5 yo's new thing at Christmas was to say "I'm going to kill you" when someone made him mad. This is the same kid who called me the B word after I put him in time-out last summer.

The almost 3 yo (at the end of April) still mostly eats yogurt. I did see him nibble on a piece of American cheese, but I haven't even seen him eat baby food veggies in months. Not that I see them that often. Oh, and they don't brush his teeth. Between pop and all the sugar in yogurt his teeth are going to ROT!!!

I bet he won't even eat cake for his third birthday!! He hasn't at the other two.

We're moving away again next week so we'll only see them a few times a year like we had before the last year when we moved closer to family.

How do I quit thinking about it? I just worry about these kids. I know they aren't responsible for how the parents are raising them, but it doesn't make me like them and want to be around them. (Certainly doesn't make me want to have any, that's for sure)

Sorry for what turned into a rant. I'm sure I'm going to get some flames for this. I just want some other opinions and to see what happens at other peoples homes.

 

[padams]

Before I had kids, I had lots of opinions about other people's children and how they were being raised. Now that I have children, I know that parenting is not easy. Relax! Don't be concerned about the nephews- they'll grow up and survive somehow. Also, consider that if you have kids some day, you can be sure that your kids will drive your family members crazy too (and your family will likely talk about your parenting skills as well). If you don't want to deal with the nephews in your home, then visit them at their home or meet on neutral territory such as the grandparents' home.

 

[jbdreamer]

They sound like normal kids to me - they are never going to have perfect manners. If you don't want childeren in your home, then have family gatherings somewhere else.

Oh, and I never have cake at my B-day either.

 

[malibuconlee]

I know, but they actually act WORSE at home. He called me the B word at his house with his mother at home, just in another room.

I HAVE to quit worrying, but it's hard. Thanks for the reply.

 

[jbdreamer]

I know, but they actually act WORSE at home. He called me the B word at his house with his mother at home, just in another room.

I HAVE to quit worrying, but it's hard. Thanks for the reply.

Well I'd be upset too if a 5 year old called me a B---h. That's IS bad.

 

[Minnie824]

My kids are only 4 and 1.5, but they do not need to be excused from the table. We all eat an occasional meal on the floor around the table watching tv. They do not drink pop at the moment. DD4 won't drink it even if I gave it to her. They do like cholate malts though. Anyway, however they act at home, I would expect them to behave by others house rules if we were at someone else house. Your house doesnt sound very 'kid-proof', and I agree, maybe Christmas should have been held somewhere else. However, the parents should take action if their kids are not behaving and being destructive in your house. As for what the 3yo eats...yogurt actually is healthy...if he eats that and some cheese, thats a good meal! 3yo's can be very picky, and they may just be glad he's eating anything.

 

[JVL1018]

I have 2 kids that are normal, well behaved for the most part, kids.
They need to ask to be excused fomr the table, they scrape their plates and put them in the sink etc.
Though they have been known to play fight and say things like I'm going to beat your hiney or I'm going to kill you..and they do get told to cut it out..but it does happen, I don;t thnk that's abnormal at all.

My brother and his wife have no children and don't plan on having children.
My kids act worse at their house than any place else.

My brother is very easy going but my SIl has a lot of rules(no playing on the floor in the dining room, no going near the stairs, no moving around basically. LOL She wants them to sit and play quietly, and as it is her house I expect my kids to abide by her rules, even though I don't understand some of them..but it's so hard for them there, I guess they feel very restricted?
My brother actually said why are they so good at (our other brothers) house?
I said because they feel freer there and are more comfy. LOL

We go there ever other week for dinner and it is so stressful for DH and I because I know my SIL( who I actually really like) gets annoyed with the kids.

 

[NCDisneyMom]

Do your kids have to wait to be excused from the table? When, if it's just the household eating, or if it's the extended family? I was a slow eater and never had much of a problem with being done before everyone else. But at my aunt's house we had to ask to be excused. She did try to teach us manners.

We were only allowed to eat and drink in the kitchen/dining room. On a RARE occasion we were allowed to eat on those lap TV trays that sit on the floor in the living room where there was wood, not carpet, so no worries about stains.

DH's sister knows this. If we're eating at the dining room table, fine the kids can eat and drink there, but she lets her kids take their "spillproof" cups all over the house when I've told her I prefer they are kept in the kitchen. The 5 year old sits his on my couch. The almost three year old gets pop in his and starts shaking it while we were opening presents. They made him stop because the carbonation can make it come out the top. I think it annoyed me the most because they knew we were putting the house on the market 5 days later and the last thing I need was stains.

I should let it go, but the things my nephews do annoy me. I actually had have my DH tell my FIL not to let the kids play with toys you had to hit with a plastic hammer on my expensive dining room set after I had asked him once.

The 5 yo's new thing at Christmas was to say "I'm going to kill you" when someone made him mad. This is the same kid who called me the B word after I put him in time-out last summer.

The almost 3 yo (at the end of April) still mostly eats yogurt. I did see him nibble on a piece of American cheese, but I haven't even seen him eat baby food veggies in months. Not that I see them that often. Oh, and they don't brush his teeth. Between pop and all the sugar in yogurt his teeth are going to ROT!!!

I bet he won't even eat cake for his third birthday!! He hasn't at the other two.

I've copied some of your post above, more for my own purposes of being able to respond to what I want, without forgetting what you said. My 2 cents in summary: I can see both sides.

My kids are 5 and 2. The 5-year-old does have to ask if he can get down from the table, regardless of where we are. Of course, sometimes he forgets, but it's not a really big deal to us, so it's one battle that we won't fight too hard.

My kids do carry around spillproof cups (well, not the 5yo so much anymore, but he used to). They play hard, and drink a lot during the day. I figure, if I can carry around my drink, why can't they? Neither drink soda, and I do have a problem with a 3yo drinking soda out of a sippy cup. Just not something I would do. Oh, and we also eat in the living room occassionally. Usually it's at the kitchen table, because I like having a family meal, but for a treat we will eat in the living room with the kids eating off of the coffee table.

In regards to eating, there's nothing wrong with eating yogurt and cheese...sounds fairly healthy to me! And, don't dwell on the kid not eating any cake. My son eats all kinds of fruits and veggies, and also likes sugary candy (when we allow it), but he hates cake. He will be 6 in a few months, and hasn't eaten any since his 1st birthday. And, I'm not arguing with it!!

Now, I do agree with you in some of your points. If they were banging on your dining room table and you asked them to stop, they should have been stopped. There is such a thing as respecting other people's belongings. Do you know for sure that they do not brush the kids' teeth every night? If so, that's horrible. But, if they just let it slide that one time, I don't see the problem. We've arrived home late from somewhere, with kids sleeping in the car, and decided not to wake them to brush. It's the exception, and certainly not the rule.

As for the kid calling you the "B" word...that is not acceptable. If there is one thing we are teaching our children, it's manners and respect. My 5yo is not allowed to even say "shut up" or "stupid". They are just words that we don't like. If he hears them on TV, he makes a big deal of it. If my child ever called someone the "B" word, there would be a hefty price to pay for that.

You wanted opinions, there's mine. Take it for what it's worth (which isn't much in this day and age).

 

[golfgal]

My kids don't have to ask to be excused from the table mainly because I hated that growing up. When they are done eating they can leave the table, but they do clear their dishes and clean the kitchen after meals (but the are older).

The sippy cup thing, some people let their kids have them all the time, some don't. We didn't but they didn't have the spill proof ones when our kids were that age, they all leaked some then.

Name calling is unacceptable, end of story. Why were you putting him in time out at his house when his mom was there though?

Some kids are picky eaters and there really isn't a way to get around it. I DON'T agree with pop in a sippy cup though. That just plain isn't good for them or anyone.

I know that when our kids were little and our house was more kid friendly these things didn't bother me at all. Now that our kids are older, we have all new furniture, NOT little kid friendly stuff, I tend to be a little more watchful of what younger kids do in my home. I don't want them running their cars on the NEW coffee table, I don't want them eating outside of the kitchen, etc. Your house, your rules is what I say. I also teach my kids that if the rules are different at someone elses house, you sure as heck better follow them!

 

[malibuconlee]

I guess one of the biggest problems I have is that the kids don't get reprimanded. If they do it's never followed thru. Like the I'm going to kill you comment. Nothing was said. I must have had an " I can't believe he said that look on my face" because his father told me not to worry about him.

I don't have a lot of "Rules" I just want food and drink kept at the kitchen or dining room table, for the kids anyway.

I only asked about the being excused from the table thing because I just wondered if anyone does this anymore. We do have friends from church whose kids do ask, at least when they have guests and are eating in the dining room.

I keep a few toys here for them to play with and they know where they are and I don't really care if they drag them all out, as long as everyone can walk around them.

They also took over this area we have at the bottom of the steps that's actually a room of it's own. It was great because they had plenty of room to play with their new toys and weren't in anyone's way.

We have friends with kids and they don't act the waymy nephes do. We spent several hours with kids the same age as the older nephew the other day and they were really good. I've been to an outdoor concert with them as well and we had no problems.

And I know kids can be picky eaters. It's just the fact that 2 yo doesn't eat ANYTHING he has to chew. He won't even eat mashed potatoes.

I've also got other stories about these kids that just make me cringe. Like throwing sticks at me when asking them to do something, kicking my dog, kicking my mother's dog, hitting their mother, etc.

Thanks for the replies.

 

[mickeyfan2]

These two boys sound like my cousin's boys and they don't get better. The younger ones favorite line was, "I wish you were never born."

 

[NMAmy]

Before I had kids, I had lots of opinions about other people's children and how they were being raised. Now that I have children, I know that parenting is not easy. Relax! Don't be concerned about the nephews- they'll grow up and survive somehow. Also, consider that if you have kids some day, you can be sure that your kids will drive your family members crazy too (and your family will likely talk about your parenting skills as well). If you don't want to deal with the nephews in your home, then visit them at their home or meet on neutral territory such as the grandparents' home.

Amen to this post!

It seems like you spend a lot of time worrying about their parenting skills and you have a whole bunch of rules for your house. If it bothers you to have the kids making a mess then just visit over at their house.

The teeth brushing thing may just be--we have company over, I'm not going to get into a tussle with my kid over teeth brushing tonight. Yogurt is a pretty healthy meal for a little kid. Why get upset about eating something healthy like yogurt and about NOT eating cake? My 15 yo still doesn't eat cake--we have a system. We get one piece of cake--she eats the frosting, I eat the cake. Works great for us--I don't know what I'm going to do when she moves out and I have to start scraping the frosting off my cake.

I'd recommend trying to loosen up a little. The kids don't seem to be neglected or terrible--they're not ultimately your responsiblity so don't worry so much about it.

I'm pretty much the opposite--my niece's husband always freaks out around my house because his kids are allowed to do anything they want at Aunt Amy's as long as you're not hurting yourself or someone else. Everyone is well behaved until their parents come back. You want to use your sippy cup in the living room--go for it. He freaked out when I gave my great-niece a cup of water in a plastic cup without a lid. It was just water--even if it spilled, we'd wipe it up. No harm, no foul.

 

[malibuconlee]

In regards to eating, there's nothing wrong with eating yogurt and cheese...sounds fairly healthy to me! And, don't dwell on the kid not eating any cake. My son eats all kinds of fruits and veggies, and also likes sugary candy (when we allow it), but he hates cake. He will be 6 in a few months, and hasn't eaten any since his 1st birthday. And, I'm not arguing with it!!

Now, I do agree with you in some of your points. If they were banging on your dining room table and you asked them to stop, they should have been stopped. There is such a thing as respecting other people's belongings. Do you know for sure that they do not brush the kids' teeth every night? If so, that's horrible. But, if they just let it slide that one time, I don't see the problem. We've arrived home late from somewhere, with kids sleeping in the car, and decided not to wake them to brush. It's the exception, and certainly not the rule.

Thank you for your opinions.

As I said, it just bothers me that the ONLY thing he eats, or that I've seen him eat in recent months, is yogurt. They were at our house for about 7 hours on Christmas day and the only thing she brought was that. No veggies or anything. Ditto for other family holiday gatherings in the last couple of months.

And yes, as of last summer when the nephew was about 27 months old, they stayed the night at our house and when we dropped them off I told SIL that I couldn't find his toothbrush. She told me then that she doesn't brush his teeth. Maybe she has since then, but I doubt it. He is very much babied. I believe because he wears hearing aids. (And no, the doctors say it doesn't have anything to do with him not eating. That was my first thougth that maybe when he has fluid in his ears that it hurts to chew)

 

[mickeyboat]

Before I had kids, I had lots of opinions about other people's children and how they were being raised. Now that I have children, I know that parenting is not easy. Relax! Don't be concerned about the nephews- they'll grow up and survive somehow. Also, consider that if you have kids some day, you can be sure that your kids will drive your family members crazy too (and your family will likely talk about your parenting skills as well). If you don't want to deal with the nephews in your home, then visit them at their home or meet on neutral territory such as the grandparents' home.

Don't forget, your nephews may have different rules at home than you had when you were growing up, and they won't know what your rules are until you (through your sister) tell them.

And truthfully, I did the same thing you are doing before I had kids of my own. I could not believe my SIL let her daughter have a pacifier. I was never going to let my kids have one, until Emily at four months would not sleep for longer than 15 minutes at a time. Then I practically forced one into her mouth.

For the most part your nephews seem like normal kids, especially around the holidays when kids tend to be wired. But kids do things that are not right (like disrespecting adults), if they did everything right from the start, they wouldn't need parents. Hopefully your sister is disciplining them properly. But even if she isn't, it is not your responsibility or concern, so don't worry about it.

Denae

 

[Mom2be]

I have nephews the same age and the motto I take is - MY HOUSE, MY RULES. They can do whatever they are allowed to at their house but when they come to my house they have to follow my rules. Which means - drinks stay in the kitchen, they have to sit at the kitchen table and eat - not roam around the house or play with toys at the table. They are not allowed to climb over the backs of my couches (something they are allowed to do at home. Their couches look like crap so they don't care, but mine are nice and I do.)

It may sound strict but my DH and I worked hard for the things we have and I don't want things scratched and knicked because they are allowed to run free at their home.

Still they manage to come to my house and have a good time

~Amanda

 

[RadioNate]

You really need to lighten up. The only thing I find completely unacceptable and not in the relm of normal kid behavor is calling you the B word.

Who cares what the 2 year old eats? Yougurt and cheese? I wish I could get my DS to eat yougurt and cheese! 2 year olds don't eat baby food any more anyway.

Ok I saw your follow up and kicking pets and hitting is unacceptable.

But being "worried about them" for carrying drinks around and not waiting to be excused from the table sounds a little over the top to me.

While I do think they should respect your rules the 2 year old espically is a little young to understand the difference between what's allowed at home and what's allowed at other houses.

Oh and having to tell them no more than once. Get used to it. Even though my DS is for the most part well behavied I often have to 'remind' him of the rules.

 

[malibuconlee]

Name calling is unacceptable, end of story. Why were you putting him in time out at his house when his mom was there though?

SIL had gone to the basement to check on laundry. He decided that he wanted the toy his little brother had and pushed him down. I sat him down into time out becuase I was the one who saw it happen and that was the way it was handled when I was growing up, if an adult saw it, they took care of it.

Also, she didn't come upstairs even when she heard the younger one screaming after being knocked down.

It was also very calculating. He called me the B word under his breath because his mother has hearing aids as well and can't hear him if he does that. He didn't think I could hear him either.

 

[dg39]

Before I had kids, I remember saying,"I'll never let my kids do that, or I'll never let my kids do this"..THEN, my kids were born, and it was a whole different ballgame. Its easy to say things before their born, but, then when your faced with a certain situation face to face, you don't know what you'll do until that very moment. As for the child calling you "B*", well, thats one thing that I always said ,I wouldn't allow my child to disrespect me or anyone else and I follow thru on that.

 

[ReneeA]

I agree with most of the others - you would loosen up substancially if you had kids of your own. I am a SAHM, and very attentive, but I think I see and hear only about half of what happens most days. You would go INSANE if you stood over your kids 24/7 monitering them - and so would they.

My kids are 2 1/2 and 4. They aren't allowed to use bad language, and my 4 y.o. DS just started preschool this year...lets just say he's heard things that he's NEVER heard before. He brings it home, and is reprimanded. That is something that you need to stay diligent about, I think in order for it not to get out of hand.

The sippy cups...I allow them in my house...all over the house. They don't leak as long as you don't have pop in them, and I RARELY allow pop.

As for the two year old only eating yogurt...how do you know he doesn't have an undiagnosed problem? MY DS4 didn't talk AT ALL...he was eventually diagnosed with Apraxia which is a neurological disorder. It involves sensory issues...most kids with it have problems with textures and MOST foods. I think there is a huge range of disorders that involve sensory problems with foods. It may just be that he's got a mild problem that won't cause life altering issues, but he doesn't like to eat things he's got to chew. Usually they outgrow it by the time they are 4 or so if it's a mild case. In any case, at least yogurt is healthy...and forcing food issues with sensory issues is a big no-no...can cause it to be traumatic and longer lasting. In that case, the parents probably know best.

In any case, I think if you decide to have kids, you will eventually have a much different outlook .

ReneeA

 

[luvwinnie]

SIL had gone to the basement to check on laundry. He decided that he wanted the toy his little brother had and pushed him down. I sat him down into time out becuase I was the one who saw it happen and that was the way it was handled when I was growing up, if an adult saw it, they took care of it.

Also, she didn't come upstairs even when she heard the younger one screaming after being knocked down.

It was also very calculating. He called me the B word under his breath because his mother has hearing aids as well and can't hear him if he does that. He didn't think I could hear him either.

I didn't even know the B word at that age! Yikes.