Need Toddler Advice - Please help!!!

[nessz79]

Sounds like you're doing everything that you can! What a good Grandma!

 

[TotalSnowWhite]

Hi, You are an angel for putting your child's needs ahead of your own which IMHO is what parent's need to do. I have a very strong oppinion on this and I don't want to be unDISlike, but your DD and DSIL need to put DGS's needs before her own. You are compromising and she is not, in any way. Their reason's for their schedule are very respectable, but their DS needs to come first. Please have more talks with DD and be firm. I think she needs to slow down. She only has one chance to raise this child. I had DD14 when I was young, my now DH was not very grown up at the time so I was a single mom for a couple years. I worked full time and went to college and while my parent's lived close and provided daycare my DD only spent the night at my parent's house occasionally. I hope I wasn't too harsh and good luck with DGS.

It seems to me like they are putting DS's long term needs at top priority (having a parent with a well paying job, getting out of debt). So, his needs are coming first, just not immediate needs. There are pros and cons to that, obviously.

My mom was 23 when I was born, and my dad died the day after I was born. We lived with my grandparents (well, they moved in with us at first, then we traveled with them as my grampa was still active USMC). I am super close to my grandparents and my mom despite her demanding schedule when I was younger. I really do appreciate all her hard work when I was little and remember proudly going to my mom's graduation (for her Master's).

Fast forward to present day...DS3 is actually my cousin. His mother passed away a little over three years ago. Since then, our family (my grandparents, mom and I) have taken him into our every day lives. We are all four his primary caregivers, but we live in seperate households. He definitely went through this stage around 18 months. He would be attached to whomever he was leaving. He did grow out of it very quickly, though.

I just graduated college, so I know how much she just wants to get through it. It's not a forever situation. I have a feeling your new schedule will help things quite a bit. My only advice is to keep his parents in the picture. Talk about them during the day, look at family photos, make them things, etc. We still talk about DS's birth mom and how much she prayed for and loved him!! She had been trying for years to get pregnant and miscarried his big brother the year before. Just make sure he knows how much they love him, too!!

Good luck!

 

[Tiggerlovinggrandma]

My only advice is to keep his parents in the picture. Talk about them during the day, look at family photos, make them things, etc. We still talk about DS's birth mom and how much she prayed for and loved him!! She had been trying for years to get pregnant and miscarried his big brother the year before. Just make sure he knows how much they love him, too!!

Good luck!

Thanks for all the replys. They have really helped.

I am so sorry to hear of your family's ( Total Snow White) sad news. To lose a parent is tragic. DS is fortuanate however to have all of you loving and caring for him. Even though his situation is a sad one, he is truly blessed.

As a retired Preschool Teacher I know the importance of informing parents of the day to day activities of their children as well as talking to the children about their parents daily. So I make sure to keep DD up to date on all DGS daily activities, first moments, meals, funny things, ouchies if any when he is with us. I feel this is so important. I also take lots of pictures and video of him often to share with her and DSIL. She is well informed but still that doesn't take the place of her actually being with him more.

For the moment there is not too much we can do to soften the scheduel DD and DSIL keep except what I mentioned we will change in my last post. We will tweak it again here and there if still needed but I think he will do better with this new revised schedule.

We have also sat DD down and told her that even though we love and adore our DGS to bits we should not be put into position that requires us to be his prmary care givers. She will have to take more responsiblitiy for his day to day needs then she is doing presently even if it means not taking as many courses in the next semester. DH and I know she wants to get as much of her college out of the way as she can however it seems her primary focus is just that - her college. ?Her education is important but we feel it should not be at the expense of her bond with her son. DS needs to come first. We think her priorities have gotten confused. She seems just fine with us or DSIL parents watching DGS for whatever time she fels necessary. You never hear her not him complain.

Anyway hopefully we have gotten thorough and DGS schedule will be a better fit for both him and her.

I will post later as to how he is doing with it.

 

[katied]

I know you've gotten a lot of advice. I'll just say that I've have a couple close friends who, growing up, spent their younger years in the care of their grandparents (and I talked to them abou this tread too). In both cases, my friends parents were recent immigrants, trying to make a good life, and when they had kids, the kids were shipped back to the grandparents in Taiwan and South Korea for 4 years in one case, and 6 years in the other. So - their transition issues came as they were a bit older and came back to the U.S. to live and start school. Both friends are very well adjusted adults, happy and have good relationships with their parents (and grandparents while they were still living). No - it was not ideal - but at the time, my friends parents were making an investment in the future of the family. As a result, my friends had a better live as they were older. Kids (even older kids) don't understanding this at the time, but they do appreciate and benefit overall as adults.

 

[Tiggerlovinggrandma]

I know you've gotten a lot of advice. I'll just say that I've have a couple close friends who, growing up, spent their younger years in the care of their grandparents (and I talked to them abou this tread too). In both cases, my friends parents were recent immigrants, trying to make a good life, and when they had kids, the kids were shipped back to the grandparents in Taiwan and South Korea for 4 years in one case, and 6 years in the other. So - their transition issues came as they were a bit older and came back to the U.S. to live and start school. Both friends are very well adjusted adults, happy and have good relationships with their parents (and grandparents while they were still living). No - it was not ideal - but at the time, my friends parents were making an investment in the future of the family. As a result, my friends had a better live as they were older. Kids (even older kids) don't understanding this at the time, but they do appreciate and benefit overall as adults.

Thanks Katied, Your post meant alot to me.

DH and I know in our hearts that our DGS and any future children my DD and DSiL have will be just fine. Parents today have to make some very hard choices for the sake of their families and sometimes that means having to leave their children with grandparents, aunts, sitters or in daycare so that they can work or go to school to help make a better and more secure life for their children. DH and I are truly thankful that we can be there when our DD and her family needs us. We are thankful for the time we get with our beautiful GS. And we are thankful that we play such an important role in his life. We understand full well DD and DSIL are trying to do the best they can for themselves and for their son. We just want him to bond as good as possble with his parents given the circumstances and want to make sure we are doing whatever we can to make that happen. We know in the end, everything will work out.