Need to vent, need advice

[disneybaby05]

I'm a long time lurker of the DISboards. I'm very frustrated right now, and I need some input from people who are not directly impacted by my decisions.

First, some background information: I lived in Virginia and was married. My parents moved to Colorado 3 years ago. Last year I had a baby (my surprise baby). My marriage was very very bad and I would have had no help with my son if I had stayed with my husband. So I moved out to Colorado to stay with my parents to have help with my son, and get back on my feet. I got a good job, and I finally moved out on my own (but my parents still help me out a lot).

Well, I was told last month that I am laid off (our office is closing in February, so I have some time). Then 2 weeks ago my parents said they might move back to Virginia, which is no good, because I can't stay here (I have no family, job, or really friends here). If they go back to VA, I would have to put my son in daycare (my mom watches him now, but it would not be convenient if we all lived in VA).

And, I have to vent, ever since my parents have been "helping" me out, they have taken complete control over EVERYTHING. I'm practically expected to hang out with my mom every weekend to "repay" her for watching my son. I love my mom, and I am grateful, but I need to have people to talk to outside of my family. And it is impossible to make new friends if I hang out with my mother all the time. I am 25 and I'm being treated like I'm 15 and had a baby with a high school boyfriend or something.

The company I got laid off from is HUGE, but mostly on the east coast. I'm thinking that maybe I should try to find another job with them and see if they will help with relocation costs. I need to feel like I can live life on my own, without having to depend on my parents for everything.

I don't know exactly what kind of advice I need, but I definitely needed to vent.

Have you ever just randomly moved to a new place without knowing anyone? Am I being ridiculous for even considering this?

 

[kdibattista]

No, you're not ridiculous for thinking about relocating but I would think long and hard about. You have to think about your son to. How will it be on him to be so far away from your parents who have watched him all this time? If you move away, you're not going to have the freedom to go out and meet new people. I'm not saying don't do it... just don't make any quick decisions.

Good luck

 

[DawnCt1]

As hard as it is on you to have to "pay back" your mom for child care, the fact that a loving grandparent is caring for your child is worth that sacrifice. consider all of the moms that have to leave their children with 'strangers' who may all be very nice strangers but they will never love your child the way a grandmother can. work out some social time with your parents and see if they can help out. the problem with being dependent in any capacity is that parents often resort to the parent role.

 

[poohandwendy]

You are in a catch 22 situation. There is a price to pay for everything. When you take out a loan, there are conditions, when your parents help you, there are conditions. You have seen the price for your parents help. You also know the price of doing it on your own, with no help from them.

Only you can decide which is more worth it. I, personally, would rather do it on my own. So, I would be gearing towards complete independence. Whatever that takes.

Good luck to you, it is a tough position. But, OTOH, it is a fortunate position because you have what many people do not have and that is choices.

 

[phillybeth]

Dayecare isn't the 7th circle of hell you know. Plenty of kids go to daycare and turn out just fine.

You're 25- time to cut the apron strings and live your life away from mommy and daddy.

 

[Serena]

It's scary isn't it. The thing is, can you think of it as an adventure and that you'll both do fine, wherever you happen to be?
Or do you want the safety net

Neither answer is wrong. It's what you need. But remember, neither one is set in stone either. You can decide to try it on your own and then find out it's not practical at this moment. Or the other way. Go with your parents, figure out a way to get your needs met, your son's and your parents needs met.

Being an adult sure isn't what it was cracked up to be is it.

 

[Michie]

I'm a long time lurker of the DISboards. I'm very frustrated right now, and I need some input from people who are not directly impacted by my decisions.

First, some background information: I lived in Virginia and was married. My parents moved to Colorado 3 years ago. Last year I had a baby (my surprise baby). My marriage was very very bad and I would have had no help with my son if I had stayed with my husband. So I moved out to Colorado to stay with my parents to have help with my son, and get back on my feet. I got a good job, and I finally moved out on my own (but my parents still help me out a lot).
Well, I was told last month that I am laid off (our office is closing in February, so I have some time). Then 2 weeks ago my parents said they might move back to Virginia, which is no good, because I can't stay here (I have no family, job, or really friends here). If they go back to VA, I would have to put my son in daycare (my mom watches him now, but it would not be convenient if we all lived in VA).

And, I have to vent, ever since my parents have been "helping" me out, they have taken complete control over EVERYTHING. I'm practically expected to hang out with my mom every weekend to "repay" her for watching my son. I love my mom, and I am grateful, but I need to have people to talk to outside of my family. And it is impossible to make new friends if I hang out with my mother all the time. I am 25 and I'm being treated like I'm 15 and had a baby with a high school boyfriend or something.

The company I got laid off from is HUGE, but mostly on the east coast. I'm thinking that maybe I should try to find another job with them and see if they will help with relocation costs. I need to feel like I can live life on my own, without having to depend on my parents for everything.

I don't know exactly what kind of advice I need, but I definitely needed to vent.

Have you ever just randomly moved to a new place without knowing anyone? Am I being ridiculous for even considering this?

I don't mean to be nosey, I know is probably a rude question but are you receiving any child support from your husband, ex husband?

When adult children have their parents help support them, it really muddies the water so to speak.

 

[azgal81]

I don't think your mom is being unresonable expecting you to hang out with the family since she watches your child. I would be grateful she's saving you a lot of money on daycare.

Growing up and becoming an adult is hard! I would look for a job away (I would probably start looking right away so you don't haven any lapses between jobs) from your parents. It might be fun to move to a new city, new adventure, new start to life.

Alot of people move away from home I moved from Indiana to Arizona to go to college right out of high school. Best decision ever!

 

[Michie]

I am confused. I remember reading on the moms to be thread you were getting ready to have a baby? I think!! Or was that somebody else with a similar screen name? I am confused easily!!!

I JUST READ THE MOM STO BE!!! I AM NOT A PARTCIPANT!!!! I just wanted to make that clear!!

 

[Michie]

I have you confused with somebody else!!!! And just remember, I just read that thread, I am not expecting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[jfulcer]

As hard as it is on you to have to "pay back" your mom for child care, the fact that a loving grandparent is caring for your child is worth that sacrifice.

cough, cough. For some grandparents, that is the way it is. for some, the cost is waaaaaay too high.

For the OP, I think you should start searching for a replacement position right now. Don't wait till February. You've got two months to do jobs searching that your company will be happy to see you do.

If you find a job and don't think that you can do it on your own, look for agencies that are in your area now that can help with lower cost childcare/etc. Especially see if you can't find some 'moms' groups - do some searching on line. I'm sure there are a lot of single moms in your area that are going through the same thing.

You don't have to be reliant on your parents. You may have to change your lifestyle considerably, but you can do it. Once you get back on your feet on your own, you can start to bring the nicer things back in...

 

[barkley]

just to give you the 'other side's' point of view-while both dh and i have parents and siblings that are in close proximity-none are willing or in some cases able to EVER provide childcare for us (not so much as a minute in the last 6 years). when i worked outside the home our kids were in daycare and every moment i was not 'at work' i or dh were with them. now that i'm a sahm any moment they are not in school i'm with them (dh too when he gets off work). social life? friends? unless it's talking to one of the other parents during drop off or pick up, or a quick phone call to a friend-i realy don't have one (nor does dh). when i became criticaly ill dh had no choice to come to the hospital with me-noone to take care of the kids (trustworthy, caring sitters are few and far between-and they don't usualy respond to a 2 a.m. call to come over).

guess what i'm trying to get across is if you have family that is willing and able to help you out as a support mechanism for your child and all you are being asked for in return is companionship it seems at this point in your life it's a very good deal on your part.

have you considered that your mom is in the same 'boat' as you? she relocated somewhere she knew noone, and now she's at home with a child all day (or whatever hours you work)-you may be her only social contact as well.

 

[disneybaby05]

Thank you all for your input.

For the record, I have lived away from my parents before. I went to college 3,000 miles away from my parents (didn't finish, but that is another poor life choice that I have made - please don't judge! ).

And I am actively looking for new employment. Even though it is a luxury to be given this much notice when being laid off, it takes a while to find a new job! (Especially around the holidays, or at least that is my opinion). I'm applying for positions where I currently live and in Virginia. I am also looking for opportunities with my company in North Carolina and Jacksonville, FL (those would be my adventure places).

As for a social life, I am not wanting to be able to go out and party or anything. It would just be nice to have a friend to hang out with like once a month or so. Someone other than my family - because I can't vent about my family to my family! Venting usually takes away a lot of the tension. Plus, I am divorced, and I would like to maybe have a romantic relationship before my child is grown - my child is obviously my first priority, but I am a single 25 year old woman, not just a mother.

My parents have been great, except that they do not respect my parenting decisions and do whatever they want. Plus, because they did not agree with my decision to marry in the first place, they think they can control every single aspect of my life. When I decided, on my own, to move to my own apartment 2 months ago, they FLIPPED out. And they repeatedly tell me that there is no way I can do this without their help.

Oh, and deadbeat dad/ex-husband is SUPPOSED to start paying support in January. But that may take a court battle that I'm not even sure is worth my time. That is another venting thread of it's own.

Thanks again, and thanks especially for letting me VENT, because that is something I needed to do. Feel free to add anything more. Because for now, it looks like I'm going to have to make friends on the DIS (which is a great thing! )

 

[noodleknitter]

Is there a way to do it without their help? It seems that you have relyed on it significantly.

If they are footing your bills, and caring for your child, then you have some responsibility to them. If you want to be treated as an adult, then unfortunately you have to act like one. And no one ever said it would be easy!

 

[disneybaby05]

They are not footing the bill. My mother takes care of my son while I am at work, and occasionally I will eat at their house. But my son and I live in my own apartment, that I pay for. I pay for almost all of our expenses.

Of course my parents buy things like clothes and toys for my son, but I can buy anything that is a necessity. The child has so many clothes that he is not able to wear all of them before he grow out of them.

I did have to rely on my parents for about 8 months. I blindly moved out to Colorado, with no job, and lived with my parents. But I found a job after I was here for 2 weeks.

And, it needs to be added, my mother was the one who suggested that I move out here and she would help me out. I didn't ask. My quality of life is now a lot better than it would have been if I would have stayed with my husband. So I am extremely grateful, please don't think that I don't appreciate everything they have done for me. But now because I have used the help that they have offered, I am expected to do everything in my life that they tell me to do. And the biggest problem with this is they change their mind every five minutes about what I should do with my life.

Oh, yes. And my dad's solution to me fixing my life and being able to live without his help: marry someone rich.

I have these doubts about doing it on my own because they keep telling me I can't do it. And after venting about it here, I am coming to the conclusion that I can do it myself. I will have to live without a lot of luxuries that I am used to (wow, I sound like a brat), but I think I will feel a lot better about myself if I move away. The high "price" is my self-worth that I am paying.

 

[FSUGrad97]

Dayecare isn't the 7th circle of hell you know. Plenty of kids go to daycare and turn out just fine.

AMEN RE: daycare! Seriously, do your homework and find a center where your child will thrive. Regardless what others may have posted about "strangers watching your child," daycare would be a better option for you and your mom. This way, if a problem develops between you and your daycare, you don't have all of the family issues getting in the way.

Personally, if your mom is "requiring" you to hang out with her to "repay" her for watching your child, some distance might be good for all.

 

[dementia412]

I just wrote something way too personal, and decided to cut it.... the most important thing I have to say is be careful about relying on a family member, it can make for all sorts of drama, hurt feelings, and resentment. Having a life on your own may be harder, but in the end it will be better for everyone involved.

 

[mickeyboat]

My parents have been great, except that they do not respect my parenting decisions and do whatever they want. Plus, because they did not agree with my decision to marry in the first place, they think they can control every single aspect of my life. When I decided, on my own, to move to my own apartment 2 months ago, they FLIPPED out. And they repeatedly tell me that there is no way I can do this without their help.

Unless you either leave, or make it very clear that you do not want them to run your life, it will always be this way! You can do it on your own. It won't be easy, and it will take time, but you can.

Good luck to you.

Denae

 

[Chicago526]

Sounds like you're on the right track to me, looking for jobs where you are at now and also looking at jobs in other locations too. And in your situation I'd do the same thing, cut off help from the parants ASAP, they sound well meaning but "help" and "advice" like that would drive me . You don't sound spoiled or ungrateful to me at all!

If you would like some budgeting and money saving tips, go over to the Budget Boards, all maners of saving money and budgeting are discused, not just stuff related to Disney. They're a nice bunch over there and have excellant advice on how to save money and how to budget finances.

 

[Missy1961]

I don't have any advice, but I wish you good luck! You seem like you are going about this in the right fashion.