Need to Freaking Vent !!!!

[dicar123]

We just want to spend this vacation mostly w/ Barry and the girl's since this is the first time going back to Disney w/out Sandi, is this too much to ask ?

In short, yes. You don't have the right to dictate his choices about what is his vacation too.

I am very sorry about the loss of your daughter. I lost a son myself 2 1/2 years ago. He was a teenager so I don't have these issues, but I have butted heads with my own mother over her expectations and wishes since my son's passing. You must understand that you have become something of an "outsider" here. I understand that you are still involved daily and he consults you on issues, but he is the decision-maker for his family.

My mother often seems to feel that along with my husband and myself, she gets an equal vote because she has pain too. When the stakes are large, we will do what we need to do and if she is upset by that, then she needs to find a way to deal with it without trying to make me feel guilty or wrong.

But, like i said, we will work it out., also , lol, he should be paying my way w/ all the Help i have given him, w/out me, he would have done lost his job, right.

Please, please tread carefully here. Supporting and helping your SIL and grandchildren during this difficult time is a wonderful, caring thing. The girls have benefitted from it, and they will remember how you cared for them with love and the lessons you learned together about loss and grief.

That is a gift. A wonderful, beautiful gift than must be given freely. It doesn't obligate him to do things your way. He is not beholden to you.

You sound angry with him and resentful. Heck, I'm still nose out of joint because I know 20 parents who can't be bothered to know where their kids are half the time, but MY kid was the one who died! It isn't nice, but I feel that way sometimes. Your daughter was the involved parent. How unfair that she is the one that died!

Your feelings are your feelings, not right or wrong. But you need to get them under control so that you can stay loving those girls and being involved with them. That's good for all of you.

 

[shortbun]

I understand what you want and why you want it. As a grown up, I know you understand why it might not work out that way. You need to ask him what you can do to help he and his girls enjoy their vacation with you. Include this friend of yours/his in your plans and accept that this is the way it's going to be. No doubt, she'll have some time with her girls-he'll have some time with his girls-you'll have some time with all of them and some time alone with your grandaughters. Try to relax and enjoy your vacation. Be flexible. If you get lemons, try to make lemonade, kwim? You gave their relationship a thumb's up by introducing them. She's going to the same place because of her daughters, not your SIL. Imho, you have too much negative energy invested in this. I know it is very hard because of your loss and I'm sorry. Yeah, go with the flow.

 

[livie1205]

I do not know a lot about your story but I think you should let him move on with his life...not to be harsh but this is HIS choice to make.It may also help his kids try to move on a little.I do not think you should tell him who he can vacation with...I know it must be hard to have someone else in the picture that is not your dd but if you want to maintain a relationship with your grandkids I wouldnt do this.
I also think that sometimes relationships move faster then others....if he is happy then it is a good thing, also showing your grandkids that you do not approve is going to bite you in the butt..

 

[nana2tots]

First of all, Thanks for all the Advice, some of it seemed a little too Harsh, but it's probaly true. No way would i do or say anything to hurt my relationship w/ Barry or the Girl's.
Barry hates Disney, and the only reason he decided to go w/ us was because his Daughter is dancing there, he has no interest in it at all. I was the one to put this whole thing together, he still hasn't wanted to have in say so, he says, you do whatever, i will go w/ the flow, he has always done this on every Disney trip. He is the one that would rather stay in the room and sleep, so he is not a Fun person to be w/ at Disney to start off with. He was like this even before Sandi's death, so that has nothing to do with the way he is.
I am not trying to sound like a Selfish, Hateful, Jealous,person, i am not that way. My concern was the 5 of us trying to ease the Pain of going back to Disney w/out Sandi, and yes, i felt like having her w/ us would make things worse, but you know, it may be the Healing process on what we all need, including her.
I guess what started this whole feeling down was yesterday was the first time i have went through some of Sandi's personal things, and it peeded me off, that such a Kind, Warm Loving person could be taken away from us, I am still angry at God, and everyone.
I know we all have to leave this earth sometime, but our children are suppose to bury us, not us bury them. Guess i'm just Down about everything, and i Apolize for being this way.
You guys have lifted my spirit with your Advice, and Thanks for that. I, We will go w/ the Flow, and try to have a Good time, and enjoy Life, because God didn't Promise us a Tomorrow.
Thanks
Nana

 

[nhpooh]

Just wanted to say HI!


This is your first trip without Sandi, it will be hard. Take one day at a time, this is how we get though times like this. Our first time back to WDW without Nicole was hard, but we did it. Just take some time as some people have said and spend it with the girls. We went to the wishing well and said hi to her.

Try to have fun and enjoy the girls there, make new memories.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Barry hates Disney, and the only reason he decided to go w/ us was because his Daughter is dancing there, he has no interest in it at all. I was the one to put this whole thing together, he still hasn't wanted to have in say so, he says, you do whatever, i will go w/ the flow, he has always done this on every Disney trip. He is the one that would rather stay in the room and sleep, so he is not a Fun person to be w/ at Disney to start off with. He was like this even before Sandi's death, so that has nothing to do with the way he is.

I don't mean to be judgemental, however why do you include your SIL in your Disney plans? That is odd to me. I understand he is going this time because his dd is dancing.

For example, we go boating with "boating people". You don't invite non-boating people to go with you because obviously that is not their thing.

 

[akhenaten]

First of all, Thanks for all the Advice, some of it seemed a little too Harsh, but it's probaly true. No way would i do or say anything to hurt my relationship w/ Barry or the Girl's.
Barry hates Disney, and the only reason he decided to go w/ us was because his Daughter is dancing there, he has no interest in it at all. I was the one to put this whole thing together, he still hasn't wanted to have in say so, he says, you do whatever, i will go w/ the flow, he has always done this on every Disney trip. He is the one that would rather stay in the room and sleep, so he is not a Fun person to be w/ at Disney to start off with. He was like this even before Sandi's death, so that has nothing to do with the way he is.
I am not trying to sound like a Selfish, Hateful, Jealous,person, i am not that way. My concern was the 5 of us trying to ease the Pain of going back to Disney w/out Sandi, and yes, i felt like having her w/ us would make things worse, but you know, it may be the Healing process on what we all need, including her.
I guess what started this whole feeling down was yesterday was the first time i have went through some of Sandi's personal things, and it peeded me off, that such a Kind, Warm Loving person could be taken away from us, I am still angry at God, and everyone.
I know we all have to leave this earth sometime, but our children are suppose to bury us, not us bury them. Guess i'm just Down about everything, and i Apolize for being this way.
You guys have lifted my spirit with your Advice, and Thanks for that. I, We will go w/ the Flow, and try to have a Good time, and enjoy Life, because God didn't Promise us a Tomorrow.
Thanks
Nana

I am so glad that you come here to vent and to share....
I sure hope that it helps you cope with some of the feelings that you go thru...

I hope that your trip heals and give you peace and enjoyment ....
(and it may be in simple, unexpected ways....)

 

[rie'smom]

I don't mean to be judgemental, however why do you include your SIL in your Disney plans? That is odd to me. I understand he is going this time because his dd is dancing.

For example, we go boating with "boating people". You don't invite non-boating people to go with you because obviously that is not their thing.

I would guess because his daughter is going to a dance event at WDW.

OP, my younger brother dies 19 years ago in a scuba diving accident. He asked his fiance' to marry him the night he died. When, it after about a year she started dating someone, my mom and dad had to accept it because they still wanted to see her. They realized that if they didn't accept it, she might cut them out of her life.

It's nice that you've helped with your granddaughters. Everyone has benefited from the arrangement. You're very lucky that he didn't pack them up and move away the way that some people do after their spouse dies.

My advice would be to accept the situation, including WDW. You wouldn't want to do anything that would offend him and risk not seeing your darling girls everyday.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am not a mother, so I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child and having to have your life, and the lives of others around you, go on, when all you probably want to do is curl up in a ball and wish it would all go away.

Unfortunately, it won't go away.

So you need to do some soul-searching...

**You should be helping your SIL with your DGDs because you want to. If you are doing itin order to be able to hang it over his head in a "you owe me" manner, then you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

**He & this woman have had 6 dates, which you don't think its "enough" for them to be serious. But, they are also 2 people who have been through something unspeakable, and at a fairly young age, so they may feel more bonded than you think. My DH of almost 18 years still insists that he knew the moment he met me that I was "the one".

**Your SIL sounds like he includes you quite a bit in your DGDs life, which is a very good thing that you want to continue. If he senses any of your disapproving attitude, however, that may change, so I'd be careful with it.

**You seem to have some mixed emotions about your SIL...he puts the girls first but works too much, he's hard to talk to, he doesn't like Disney. You need to get those in line.

I have a recommendation...cut to the chase. the problem is that you're going to Disneyworld and you want Sandi there and she's not going to be there and some other woman is going to be there instead it's not fair. And you're right. It's not fair, but it is what is and therefore you have to get used to your new "normal".

How do you get used to it? Talk to a counselor. If you have already, go and talk some more. And take the 12 yearold with you, because she needs to start realizing that, while Daddy loved Mommy, Mommy is gone and Daddy may want to try and be happy again, and it's OK.

to you.

 

[frndshpcptn]

How do you get used to it? Talk to a counselor. If you have already, go and talk some more. And take the 12 yearold with you, because she needs to start realizing that, while Daddy loved Mommy, Mommy is gone and Daddy may want to try and be happy again, and it's OK.

to you.

I agree with this part - especially if your DGD is having trouble with her father's new relationship. You can be a role model to her and show her that accepting this new person in her life doesn't negate the relationship that she (or her father for that matter) had with her Mom...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would guess because his daughter is going to a dance event at WDW.

I know that. I was speaking of the other times they dragged him there. Honestly would you go to WDW with someone who states plainly that they hate it.
I know I would discourage them personally.

 

[horseshowmom]

Unfortunately, it won't go away.

So you need to do some soul-searching...

**You should be helping your SIL with your DGDs because you want to. If you are doing itin order to be able to hang it over his head in a "you owe me" manner, then you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

**He & this woman have had 6 dates, which you don't think its "enough" for them to be serious. But, they are also 2 people who have been through something unspeakable, and at a fairly young age, so they may feel more bonded than you think. My DH of almost 18 years still insists thathe knew the moment he met me that I was "the one".

**Your SIL sounds like he includes you quite a bit in your DGDs life, which is a very good thing that you want to continue. If he senses any of your disapproving attitude, however, that may change, so I'd be careful with it.

**You seem to have some mixed emotions about your SIL...he puts the girls first but works too much, he's hard to talk to, he doesn't like Disney. You need to get those in line.

I have a recommendation...cut to the chase. the problem is that you're going to Disneyworld and you want Sandi there and she's not going to be there and some other woman is going to be there instead it's not fair. And you're right. It's not fair, but it is what is and therefore you have to get used to your new "normal".
How do you get used to it? Talk to a counselor. If you have already, go and talk some more. And take the 12 yearold with you, because she needs to start realizing that, while Daddy loved Mommy, Mommy is gone and Daddy may want to try and be happy again, and it's OK.

to you.

I agree with Disney Doll and confess that I suspect that I would feel the same way you do. Sadly, those feeling won't change your new reality. You have to find a way to deal with it.

Your GD also will have to come to terms with it for her own sake. The odds are that her dad will eventually marry again (whether this woman or someone else), and I know that what you really want for her is to be happy (and that will include being able to accept another woman into the home at some point).

Your son in law isn't particularly a fan, so this really a case of "sharing Disney together". It's more a case of wishing things were the way they were the last time you went (again, very understandable and normal). This trip would probably be a little difficult no matter what, but I'm hoping you'll be able to find some joy during the time spent with your grandchildren.

My husband recently lost his sister very unexpectedly. She left a husband and five children (grown). It was completely different than when they lost his dad a few months prior. There's an anger that something like this can happen so unexpectedly and hurt so much and yet the world continues on after your own world has collapsed. I understand that it has to be even worse when it's your own child.

 

[PaulaSue]

I'm sorry to hear about your DD Sandi. No advice but I am thinking of your family.