Need to Freaking Vent !!!!

[nana2tots]

Oh, and by the way, before i introduced them, and weeks after they started dating , she was all up my butt, calling me all day, now she dosen't call at all, What the heck does this mean?, I now have Barry, so you can step to you know where, or what ???????????

 

[Gabes_mommy]

I can't imagine the pain you are going through. I pray I never have to experience it. Is there some way you can explain your feelings to your son in law? Tell him you aren't handling the situation as well as you thought you could. Not sure what else to suggest. So sorry though.

Hope it all works out well and you all can enjoy your trip.

I think this is wonderful advice. Explain to your SIL that you are happy for him but it's still hard for you - I hope he will understand that. Maybe then you could work womething out for the trip where you have some time alone with your DGDs and then that would give him time alone with his new GF.

I hope it all works out.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I understand, We have talked, but guess we need to talk further, he is a very hard person to talk w/, he thinks i am trying to tell him how to raise the Girl's, and maybe w/out realizing it , i am, but i have taken care of these Girl's for over two years, and when Sandi was alive, all he thought about was his WORK and still does.
It will work out, but still this trip has been planned, paid for since last Oct, way way before she came into the picture.
Thanks all

That changes things. You are already on a tense path with your SIL. Telling him how to vacation is probably not a good idea at this point. If he is hard to talk to, probably not going to change anytime soon.

I would let it go personally.

 

[lovemygoofy]

So you are saying, just go w/ the Flow, just understand, i am not upset w/ him dating, it's just bad timing !!!!

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you are still grieving for Sandi. However, be honest with yourself. Will there ever be a good time for you to see your son in law with another woman seriously? There will always be vacations and holidays or school functions and if it wasn't with the woman that you introduced and do approve of, it very well could be someone you dislike.

I think one thing you have to understand that your son in law isn't trying to replace your daughter. She gave him the precious gift of your granddaughters and no one can take that away, not even someone your son in law is dating.

Maybe, each day you can have special time with just you and your husband and the girls and maybe the other lady can go spend sometime just her and her girls. I understand that you think of this as a family trip and she isn't family to you but she is someone of importance to your son in law. I have no idea the pain that you are going through and you have done so well. I do hope that you go on your vacation and make new memories and take lots of pictures and know that your beautiful daughter will be watching over you the entire time.

 

[mtemm]

Oh, and by the way, before i introduced them, and weeks after they started dating , she was all up my butt, calling me all day, now she dosen't call at all, What the heck does this mean?, I now have Barry, so you can step to you know where, or what ???????????

sounds like you are missing your friend on top of things. maybe call her and set up a girls day out or something?

and yeah, people in new relationships do tend to focus on each other and less on other people. I've seen it time and time again. just let her know you miss her and would love to spend time/hear from her again.

am wondering , is there any chance she is sensing your discomfort with her relationship with your sil, and she is pulling away from you because of it?

 

[Jennasis]

People grieve in different ways and for differerent lengths of time. HE is ready to mvoe forward and you are not. It's not right or wrong, it just is, and it's OK.

Did I read correctly that your DGD's and the other woman's girls are going to be dancing together (presumably with their dance class) at WDW? If so then there is likely zero way for you to keep the lady out of your travel plans.

Go on the trip, go with a positive attitude and try to have fun for the sake of your grandchildren who will ABSOLUTELY pick up on your unhappiness if you hang on to it.

It must be unimaginably hard to see your son-in-law moving on from your DD. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Darcy03231]

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't think anyone can ever fully recover from losing a child.

It sounds to me like your SIL is ready to move on and you're not (and there's nothing wrong with where either of you emotionally - different people grieve differently). If you push too much, which you already said SIL thinks you're doing, you may push him away. I would be very careful about that.

I would accept that this other woman is going to be there, even though you don't like it. See if you can arrange some time with you, your DH and your granddaughters. SIL might like the opportunity to spend some time alone with the woman he's seeing. This way you can maximize some time alone with your grandchildren and not have to be around her all the time.

As far as them only having had 6 dates, DH and I knew very early on in our relationship that we were meant for each other. We've now been married for 12 years.

 

[WDSearcher]

There doesnt' seem to be a way to plan without including her, so why not get them both involved in the planning? SIL and the woman. That gets everyone's expectations out there at the beginning. I mean, it's not like the woman will decide not to go, as her daughter is there dancing as well. So you may as well accept her as a "given" and figure out how to work around it. If this woman becomes part of your family, then you'll need to get used to this anyway. And if everyone is paying their own way, you can't fall back on "I paid, my choices."

Why not offer to take the girls one evening or afternoon so your SIL and she can have some "alone time." And then perhaps ask them to do the same. I know that it doesn't give you the family time you wanted, but I don't think you're going to get that anyway, you know? Maybe you and your friend can have a spa afternoon while your husband and SIL take the kids -- that gives you guys some time together too.

This has got to be hard on you, but somewhere you need to balance your expectations against the reality.

 

[nana2tots]

Yes they will be dancing together. Anyway, i guess you all are right, i need to just do the best w/ whatever. Just be myself. No, she dosen't sense anything that i know of, i haven't seen her in about three weeks since Dance Recitals, God will work it out for us, I would never ever let the Girl's be upset about this, but the oldest one is the one having the problem, she won't let go of her Mom, and you can't blame her. We will do our Best to try and enjoy. Thank you all for letting me vent !!!!

 

[EthansMom]

Instead of concentrating on how you will be losing time with your granddaughters, perhaps you could arrange to do something special with just the granddaughters (either while at WDW or when you get home)?

I'd think SIL would be more receptive to "We'd love a little alone time with our Granddaughters to do something special" than "We don't get to spend enough time with the girls".

 

[Shmily1]

While I don't know exactly the loss you are going through, I can somewhat relate. My DB died young (at 17) and I have remained really good friends with his DGF for many years. The pain of the loss is still there even after almost 19 years but we are still friends even though she has moved on.

I think my best suggestion for you would be to focus solely on the grandchildren for the trip. Make sure you and the grandchildren are making memories together. Enjoy watching them and the wonder they express at all that Disney offers. Their excitement is what will make this vacation. Make sure the girls know that they have your undivided attention. Do not focus on SIL at all. Make most conversations with the girls without excluding SIL and his GF too much, but be sure that you are not distracted by SIL. If you make up your mind that you are making memories with the grandchildren and NOT going to waste any time or effort worrying about SIL, your trip will be magical!!!

Have a great time!!!

 

[mickeyboat]

I know you are having a really hard time after losing Sandi, and that every new event touches off your emotions again. Don't forget that your feelings may be clouding your judgement. Take a step back and try to be more objective.

When my MIL passed away 7 years ago, we were horrified that FIL started dating, and practically moved in with another woman, so soon after MIL's death. It didn't last long, but he was really lost without a wife. He needed that relationship to make him realize what he wanted to do with the rest of his life without his wife.

You have gotten some good suggestions from other posters - suggest taking the girls on your own for a bit to spend some quality time with them and to allow the love birds some time to themselves. Don't make waves on vacation.

But it does sound to me like you have some legitimate concerns about the oldest child's reaction to the new girlfriend. That is definitely worth talking gently to your SIL about. Don't be aggressive or confrontational, don't tell him what to do, just tell him what you have seen and express your concern about it.

Good luck. I hope you have a wonderful time!

Denae

 

[Nancyg56]

He does put the Girl's first, but i think this lady, (which i do like very much), are moving way too fast, and it scares me.

I did not read all of the replys. I am so sorry for the loss of your Sandi, I cannot imaging the loss of a child . I do understand your pain though, I am Kadysmom's Mother.

When I was 23 my first husband, her father, died. He was 25. I was a good wife, was faithful and caring and compassionate. He was an alcoholic and was very sick for a few years. During that time I supported our family and took care of him. He was 25 when he died, leaving three children all under 5.

I started dating after about 6 months. At first I was just "dating" but I really enjoyed Buddy's company and he enjoyed mine. My IL's were not very happy and were vocal about their opposition. Not to Buddy, but to my having a relationship so soon after Donald passed. I understood but my life was my own. I never violated my vows or my commitment when I was married to their son so I really did not like their intrusion.

I am not saying that you need to be happy or comfortale with this relationship, just that you do not want to alienate your SIL. My IL's came very close to pushing me away with their behavior, you do not want this to happen to you.

It has been 29 years since Donald passed, my husband Buddy raised my children with me, he taught my sons how to be strong honorable mena dn he taught my daughter ...well he spoiled her terribly... and he is a wonderful Pa to our Kady. My MIL loves him and is happy that they finally welcomed him into their lives. He was a rock when she lost her son, supported my sons as pall bearers for my FIL and held my niece and nephew up when they lost their mother, her daughter.

You never know where this relationship will go but you do know that you want to be a part of whatever relationships that your SIL forms. Please just share your concerns and your fears with your SIL about how difficult this trip for you and let him decide how he wasnts to handle it.

Whatever you decide, I am thinking about you and will pray that you have the strength to get through this next hurdle in your life. PM me if you want to talk.

 

[Keggy]

I understand your situation, but honestly you would do best to keep your thoughts to just yourself and your husband. It is not up to you to dictate or comment on the speed at which he moves on. Every one is different and every relationship is different. If you want to keep having an active role in their lives you will need to keep this to yourself.

The only thing I would suggest bringing up is that you are concerned that you will not have enough time with the girls on your vacation. See what he is thinking. He may want some alone time with this woman and you would be helping him out by planning some things.

I know it is hard, my mother was married just a few months after my dad died. It was no one's place to try to put themselves in her shoes.

 

[Piglet]

First off, it is okay that you feel that way. Your SIL is moving on and it will be hard for you whether it is 1 year or 10 years. I can't pretend to know at all how you feel. But my advice would be to talk with your SIL and tell him how difficult it is. You are still missing your daughter and your oldest granddaughter is missing her mom. Your SIL is moving on and it may seem like you are still where you were 2 1/2 years ago. You take it day by day. As for why the other lady is not talking to you as much, maybe she feels very awkward about the relationship. To her it may seem like she is cheating with your SIL, because you are his first wifes mother.

Hugs to you and hope you can enjoy your vacation. Maybe you could take the girls for some time with just you and let him go off with her for a day.

 

[C.Ann]

He does put the Girl's first, but i think this lady, (which i do like very much), are moving way too fast, and it scares me.

What exactly is it that scares you? You said that he's putting the girls first, so I'm not clear on what is scaring you..

It has only been about 18 months since Sandi's passing, I am okay w/ him dating, i introduced them to each other, i think after 6 dates, you should not be that involved, not that seriousely.

I know that you are grieving a terrible, terrible loss - but - you and your SIL are in two different places in the grieving process.. Unfortunately you don't get to decide when he should be involved - or when he should get serious.. Only he can make that choice - and rightly so..

I understand, We have talked, but guess we need to talk further, he is a very hard person to talk w/, he thinks i am trying to tell him how to raise the Girl's, and maybe w/out realizing it , i am, but i have taken care of these Girl's for over two years, and when Sandi was alive, all he thought about was his WORK and still does.
It will work out, but still this trip has been planned, paid for since last Oct, way way before she came into the picture.
Thanks all

It sounds like you have unresolved issues with your SIL - that happened prior to Sandi's passing.. This seems to be jading your thinking in terms of him moving forward.. Any chance of family grief counseling? Remember - if you push him (and the person he has chosen to date) away, you run the risk of losing the close relationship you have with your DGD's now..

People grieve in different ways and for differerent lengths of time. HE is ready to mvoe forward and you are not. It's not right or wrong, it just is, and it's OK.

Did I read correctly that your DGD's and the other woman's girls are going to be dancing together (presumably with their dance class) at WDW? If so then there is likely zero way for you to keep the lady out of your travel plans.

Go on the trip, go with a positive attitude and try to have fun for the sake of your grandchildren who will ABSOLUTELY pick up on your unhappiness if you hang on to it.

It must be unimaginably hard to see your son-in-law moving on from your DD. My heart goes out to you.

Very good advice..

I hope you can work all of this out and all of you can have a great vacation together.. Sadly, you already know that "life is too short"..

Good luck!

 

[Liberty Belle]

It has only been about 18 months since Sandi's passing, I am okay w/ him dating, i introduced them to each other, i think after 6 dates, you should not be that involved, not that seriousely.

Sometimes it happens that quickly. It did with my husband and I.

I can only imagine your pain. It must be very difficult and seeing them together will probably get easier with time. I'm sure it helps that you like her.

 

[nana2tots]

Yes, I do stay out of the way w/ the girlfriend, we are not emenies, i did the introdution, so that is not what bothers me. I am w/ the Girl's all day, i take them to separate schools, pick them up, take them to dance 3 nites a week, cook their meals and make sure their homework is done before Daddy gets home, and i also clean the house and do their laundry. So it's not like i don't see them.
We just want to spend this vacation mostly w/ Barry and the girl's since this is the first time going back to Disney w/out Sandi, is this too much to ask ?
But, like i said, we will work it out., also , lol, he should be paying my way w/ all the Help i have given him, w/out me, he would have done lost his job, right. Anyway, we get along very well w/ Barry, just having issue about this Disney thing, but i'm sure it will work out, also, Barry is the type that he ask for my opinions before he does anything concerning the girl's, and that makes me feel good.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We just want to spend this vacation mostly w/ Barry and the girl's since this is the first time going back to Disney w/out Sandi, is this too much to ask ?

Yes. Telling your SIL how he should vacation is crossing the line. Do you want people telling you how you should vacation? I know I don't.

You have already discussed it with him right and now you have to accept how he wants to do it.

Basically if you want this trip to be a happy memory go at it with a postive attitude. Show your granddaughters that they are allowed to move on, have fun and still cherish their mom.

 

[denisem]

I consider losing a child the worst thing imaginable. I agree with most of the advice given, with a few more painful questions:

1. What would you advise your very best friend with the same problem?

2. Would Sandi approve of this woman & her values?

3. In your view, this relationship is "moving fast". But remember: you are privy only to six "dates". You're not aware of the phone calls, text messages, IM's etc. evolving between those six "dates". In my experience, sharing pain (i.e., losing spouses, etc.) can either jump-start relationships when both share the same viewpoint -OR- self-destruct if a common ground isn't found.

4. Sounds as if your elder granddaughter is struggling with loyalty. Best you can do is allow her to express her opinions and gently guide her after you have found peace with my questions and the other advice given.

Be brutally honest with yourself - yet trust your instincts.

I'm still learning that Hope it works out.