Need some input regarding DS

[Marseeya]

I need some objective opinions to help me make a decision regarding DS's schooling, and I'll try to be as succinct as possible.

First of all, he failed three classes in the 9th grade -- English, phys ed, and Algebra. His algebra teacher refuses to approve him for Algebra II, even if he takes summer school, so we're left with the option of him taking English & phys ed in summer school.

The other issue is, he needs 6 credits to move on to 10th grade, and he only has 4.5. If he takes phys ed and English in summer school, he'll be able to move on to 10th grade. In 10th grade, he'll be in the vo tech, taking welding, which is what he really wants to do.

Two things: first of all, he's having major fits about summer school and is arguing me up one side and down the other about the fact that he shouldn't need the phys ed to move on to 10th grade. The guidance office says he does need it, therefore I'm sticking with what they say.

Secondly, he wants to get held back because most of his friends are a year behind him anyway. But getting held back means 5 years of high school, having him home an extra year after he's 18 (not a problem for me, but he'd hate it), and having to put off vo tech another year.

I don't know what to do. Should I FORCE him to take the 2 summer school classes so he can move on to the 10th grade? Or should I let him remain in the 9th grade, which has its own problems? Would being held back be such an awful thing anyway?

Help me brainstorm, please! I'm so confused.

 

[daisyduck123]

I would probably make him take the summer school classes.

He needs to learn that "slacking off" during the school year has its consequences...otherwise, what's to keep him from slacking off again next year?

Good luck with this problem. I feel for you in this situation.

 

[grimley1968]

I had lots of friends growing up who held back not because they were closer in age to the upcoming class, but for sports reasons. Personally, I thought that was a short-sighted decision just for sports, because it's not as though any of them even got a college scholarship for athletics, and they had to make a bunch of new friends.

However, in your son's case, maybe it wouldn't be so terrible. As you said, he has many friends in the next class. Also, it sounds like he's having lots of problems anyway. Unfortunately, there will probably be a bit of a social stigma attached to being held back so late in one's academic life. But sometimes it's necessary. It may be that you won't have much of a choice, anyway, if he's absolutely unwilling to go to summer school.

I'd just lay his choice out before him: summer school now and advance, or be held back with all the later delays in getting out on his own. He's the one who really has the choice to make, since he could simply refuse to study if you force him to summer school. I'd just try to be as honest with him as possible, and also try to provide him with the long-range perspective for his life that teenagers so often lack.

Good luck to you.

 

[WendyDarling]

My concern would be if you let him repeat ninth grade again then what happens in the future if he fails again (hopefully he won't!). Then high school may take six years, etc., etc...my nephew just dropped out after years of failing and repeating grades, getting kicked out of summer school for too many absences and it was definitely frustrating. Good luck with whichever you decide to do.

 

[Marseeya]

I had lots of friends growing up who held back not because they were closer in age to the upcoming class, but for sports reasons. Personally, I thought that was a short-sighted decision just for sports, because it's not as though any of them even got a college scholarship for athletics, and they had to make a bunch of new friends.

However, in your son's case, maybe it wouldn't be so terrible. As you said, he has many friends in the next class. Also, it sounds like he's having lots of problems anyway. Unfortunately, there will probably be a bit of a social stigma attached to being held back so late in one's academic life. But sometimes it's necessary. It may be that you won't have much of a choice, anyway, if he's absolutely unwilling to go to summer school.

I'd just lay his choice out before him: summer school now and advance, or be held back with all the later delays in getting out on his own. He's the one who really has the choice to make, since he could simply refuse to study if you force him to summer school. I'd just try to be as honest with him as possible, and also try to provide him with the long-range perspective for his life that teenagers so often lack.

Good luck to you.

Actually, you bring up a great point about the social stigma aspect, but it's a BONUS in my opinion.

He's been hanging around with girls who are older -- junior and seniors. His girlfriend is going to be a senior, and she's an honor student and college bound. I can't help but wonder if he'd be less appealing to these girls if he got held back a year, you know?

It doesn't help that he feels so "victimized" in all this. It's everybody's fault but his own and there's no convincing him otherwise. So, even if I did force him to take the summer school route, he'd just continue to feel the victim.

As for being held back for sports -- wow, I never knew anyone who did that, but you're right about it being so short-sighted. I could see if it meant them getting a full scholarship to college or something, but just for an extra year? Wow.

 

[redshoes]

IMHO- I would make him take the classes this summer. It's one of those hard life lessons, you don't do well in regular school year- you have to take summer school. If he fails summer school will he automatically be held back? The reason I ask is, would he purposely fail summer school just to be held back?
As for holding him back and not making him attend summer school at all, I don't think that would fly at my house. Is there a reason other than he wants to be in the same grade as his friends? I think that by allowing him make the decision to be held back another year, you are allowing him to have the "power"- never something that you want to willing give to a teenager.

 

[Marseeya]

My concern would be if you let him repeat ninth grade again then what happens in the future if he fails again (hopefully he won't!). Then high school may take six years, etc., etc...my nephew just dropped out after years of failing and repeating grades, getting kicked out of summer school for too many absences and it was definitely frustrating. Good luck with whichever you decide to do.

Well, honestly, at that point, I'd just have him drop out when he's old enough.

I know this is going to sound SO BAD, but I've been doing a lot of thinking about this and talking to a lot of people at the university and school district. If he continues on this downward spiral, and things don't work out with the vo tech, I might encourage him to drop out altogether, take his GED and work for a year or two. I've looked into college requirements and that's about his only shot to get into college in the future if he decides he wants to.

I just hate what he's doing to his life! He's SO smart and could be or do anything he wanted, but he has absolutely no ambition. I wish I could do something to make him care about his future.

 

[foolishmortal]

I would make him take the classes as well. It's the school's rules not his rules.

And if he wants to be held back because of friends, thinks about this. If he is failiing now a grade ahead of friends, whats going to happen when he is in classes with those friends? Thinking back to when I was in school classes I had with my best friends are the ones I didn't do the best in because we had other things going on.

 

[Marseeya]

IMHO- I would make him take the classes this summer. It's one of those hard life lessons, you don't do well in regular school year- you have to take summer school. If he fails summer school will he automatically be held back? The reason I ask is, would he purposely fail summer school just to be held back?
As for holding him back and not making him attend summer school at all, I don't think that would fly at my house. Is there a reason other than he wants to be in the same grade as his friends? I think that by allowing him make the decision to be held back another year, you are allowing him to have the "power"- never something that you want to willing give to a teenager.

Yes, if he fails summer school he'd be held back, which is why I'm trying to make a good decision that he can live with. Plus, each summer school class costs $105. At first, my opinion was that he should pay for it completely, and I still think that. BUT, I had an idea today that I would offer to pay for half or all of it if he passed. If he didn't pass, he'd pay all of it out of his own pocket. That sticks in my craw because he put himself in this position, but at the same time, I just want to get this kid through school and graduated, whatever the cost!

 

[momrek06]

Yes, I think he should go to SS. He will find out a few things...#1) that he does NOT ever want to do it again (life's lesson learned) and #2) that generally SS is not as strict as regular school. I understand that it is alot more laid back. You get really good help from the teachers. In our town it only goes until the end of July and usually 1/2 day.

OP: He really does not want to STAY BACK ...just help him select the SS option and have him go on to the next grade.

Good Luck, OP!

 

[momrek06]

I know this is going to sound SO BAD, but I've been doing a lot of thinking about this and talking to a lot of people at the university and school district. If he continues on this downward spiral, and things don't work out with the vo tech, I might encourage him to drop out altogether, take his GED and work for a year or two. I've looked into college requirements and that's about his only shot to get into college in the future if he decides he wants to.

.

OP: Be careful with the GED option AND college. Many colleges do NOT recognize a GED. Many want the DIPLOMA. Remind DS or have DS check out colleges he is interested in...make sure if he goes the GED route...that the college he chooses will take a candidate with a GED.

 

[GoofySuse]

I had to make a similar decision, for one of our kids, ato one time. We decided to hold her back and I must say it was the best decision we ever made. She matured so much over the next year and worked very hard, it was the best thing for her. For whatever it's worth, her friends never allowed it to tarnish their friendships. It was a good thing. Just my 2 cents....

 

[barkley]

not sure how the highschools where you live are set up. here a 10th grader goes to a different school than 9th. if that's not the case and 9-12th are housed in the same building-how is being promoted from his current grade preventing him from hanging out with the same group of friends? with the exception of homeroom, most highschools have co-mingled classes with all grades attending. could it be that he figures it will be a cush year for him to repeat the classes he did pass or do well in?

i'de make him do summer school and do heavy monitoring to make sure he was'nt just blowing it off to get the results he wants (get the goals/expectations from each of the classes-stay in weekly contact with the teachers to see how he's progressing).

if you have a community or jr. college nearby-check into what their requirements are for high schooler's to attend summer or evening courses. it could be that if he promotes to 10th and carries a decent g.p.a. he would be eligible for vo-tech classes there during his next summer off (our local community college lets kids take the classes if they are in 10th or higher, with a minimum gpa and a letter of approval from the high school-i've known girls who have managed to complete all but their final portion of the cosmetology course by the begining of their senior year in high school, some of the boys have done most of the auto repair tech classes in the same way and then only have to do the general ed for a year after hs grad. to get their certification). there can be some perks he may not be aware of in promoting.

 

[redshoes]

Yes, if he fails summer school he'd be held back, which is why I'm trying to make a good decision that he can live with. Plus, each summer school class costs $105. At first, my opinion was that he should pay for it completely, and I still think that. BUT, I had an idea today that I would offer to pay for half or all of it if he passed. If he didn't pass, he'd pay all of it out of his own pocket. That sticks in my craw because he put himself in this position, but at the same time, I just want to get this kid through school and graduated, whatever the cost!

I think that making him pay for summer school is a great idea. This is what I would do, I would make him pay for the classes now. Make him come up with the $210 for the classes and tell him, "Look, you pass these two classes- I give you X amount of the $210 back to you. You don't pass, you don't earn anything back". Make him accountable for his actions by hitting him in the pocketbook. At least this way he will think before he fails.
I know we have never formally talked, but I've read your posts about your DS and I can tell that your love for him is never in question. I know you struggle with him and worry greatly about him, but know that at least from an outsiders view you are doing a good job.

 

[budbeerlady]

I would make him take the summer classes and if need be, pay you back for them. I would also ground his butt and generally life would be very miserable at our house! I can understand having a hard time in school, I can understand needing to hire a tutor or getting a student help to pass a class. But failing P.E.?

I would say no to the Votech untill he can pass his high school classes. If he cannot do something he wants maybe he will get some motivation to pull his stuff together so he can attend votech. Dont let him drop out, make it very clear if he is under your roof he is going to school, he will pass his classes (get him a tutor or other help if he really is struggeling in school. Vs not caring and failing) and if he cannot pass a class it is summer school indefintely untill he gets his diploma.

 

[justjulie]

Our school district requires the credit in PE and it is NOT a summer school option so you need to repeat it the following year - which royally mucks up your schedule because you have mixed classes of different grades.

 

[LBAK]

I would say no to the Votech untill he can pass his high school classes. If he cannot do something he wants maybe he will get some motivation to pull his stuff together so he can attend votech. Dont let him drop out, make it very clear if he is under your roof he is going to school, he will pass his classes (get him a tutor or other help if he really is struggeling in school. Vs not caring and failing) and if he cannot pass a class it is summer school indefintely untill he gets his diploma.

I totally agree! My now 20 yo struggled every year to pass. She was in summer school from 3rd grade to 11th grade. Finally in high school she showed lots of interest in cosmotology in a vocational school that works with our school districts. Half day at school, half day there. I wouldn't let her go until she proved to me she could pass. We had tutors for her as she has ADD and with a lot of support, screaming ,pulling our hair out (depending on the day) she did it! She loved the vocational school and today she is very successful. I would not let him repeat the grade if he is going to be with his friends. In the long run I think it will do more harm than good. Good luck with your decision!

 

[HOGFAN]

my thoughts are with you. similar situation with DS 13. Just found out today that he barely passed English with a D(up from a F). But we were prepared to make him go to summer school.


IMO, make your son go to SS. also, take something away from him that he enjoys. we were prepared to stop guitar lessons if he had to go(would have devastated him).



GOOD LUCK!

 

[goofy's friends]

Since he is not concerned about his future right now, you're going to have to be. He will be grateful in the future.I would tell him that you will pay for summer school this year IF he passes--if he doesn't, he pays you back and loss of something BIG until he does. If he ever needs to go to summer school again, he pays. Then, if he doesn't pass--he's made the choice to repeat and pay you and you've done what you can. He will then feel the natural consequences of that choice in losing girlfriend (possibly) and feeling the stigma. (I would discuss these consequences with him before he goes to summer school). If he passes summer school, he will feel the natural benefits of finishing sooner, not losing face and most importantly to him, vo-tech.

Good luck. YOu are a good mom--stick to your guns. He may say that he really doesn't care about graduating, but I bet he does and you know that a diploma will save him a lot of grief later.

 

[lovemygoofy]

You mentioned he is interested in welding? Do you know of any welding shops in the area that he can "apprentice" under? Some people are just not cut out for school in my honest opinion BUT that doesn't give him an excuse for not trying. If you could find someone to guide him in welding with some sort of agreement that he does summer school(and passes) as well as his regular classes this coming school year, then let him go to vo-tech. I think he will learn many valuable skills and make a few contacts that could be helpful when he is older. Absolutely I would ride him about school though and I'm not sure why he feel victimized but that is something you are going to have to nip in the bud. He needs to realize that no one in the world owes him anything and it doesn't matter what the situation is. It doesn't matter if he cut his big toe off and it was surgically attached to his ear by mistake. I have seen so many kids with this entitlement attidue like the world owes them for whatever problems they have in their life. That won't get him anywhere. My question is: are you prepared to loose that money if he just decides not to do summer school or are you going to take him and sit with him and watch him do his work? Do you have alternative school in your district? That might be a better option for him. Good luck to you