Need Some Input - Husband's Temper Tantrums

[NeedSomeInput]

I just don't know what to do, so I turn to you, fellow Disers, in an anonymous guise, to ask for help.

I've been with my husband for almost 15 years. He's handsome, funny, and normally, we get along very well. But his temper is very ugly and lately, it's become unbearable. He'll fly off the handle for seemingly no reason, yelling, cursing, breaking things. Yesterday, he beat his rather costly toolbox with a hammer and then sheepishly told me "It's a good thing you bought me a new toolbox". It's like that all the time - almost like he's bragging after the fact. My kids and I walk on eggshells when he's in one of his moods, and I am so, so tired of those eggshells. He recently started therapy, but here's the thing - I don't think he talks to her about his temper. I know he discusses his ADD with her (that's what he blames his temper tantrums on - and it may indeed be that, I don't know), but I know my husband. He has to "save face" with everyone he meets, so that no one will think less of him. So I'm not sure he's getting the help he needs, and his outbursts are getting worse.

It was bad before, but recently, I've started seeing a crazy amount of success at my job. Since that started, he seems to be out of control - and I don't know if there's any correlation. He says there's not.

I don't know what to do. I love him so much, but I'm beginning to think he will never change. I'm thinking maybe we should seperate, for the good of our kids.

Any advice?

 

[kellyg403]

OP many hugs for you and the kids. Maybe seek counseling for yourself and the kids as well? If he isn't willing to speak openly by himself, maybe as a couple you can speak to the counselor and address the issue.

My dh and I separated a while over an issue similar to yours. He is one of those people that is constantly pushing the anger down and then some seemingly little thing would cause a huge anger meltdown. To the point it was abusive. The counselor helped him a great deal in helping him see that is o.k. to be angry, it is o.k. to say 'hey, that really doesn't sit well with me or makes me angry' instead of botteling it up for the big explosion. He has his good and bad days but with a lot of help the bad days aren't really bad anymore. He has learned to say, today is not a good day, I need to be alone.

The kids and I hated walking on eggshells. It was the worst trying to figure out what his moods were. This is definitely not something you should have to do in your home and your children should always feel safe in their home. I really advocate your family going to counseling as well.

Kelly

 

[Ohiodislover]

DH has had issues like that before. Always has. We finally figured it out when we found out he diabetes. When his sugar is low, he gets EXTREMELY grumpy, and nasty. Of course when he is grumpy and nasty, he refuses my advice to eat somthing.

Might be worth looking into

 

[rie'smom]

Ask if you can sit in on a session. Most therapists will want input from a spouse/partner because it is not unusual for a client to not tell the whole story-sometimes on purpose but sometimes they just do not know things about themselves that can help a therapist see the whole picture.

 

[kirbsam]

breaking things with a hammer? me thinks it is time to get out.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Your husband has anger issues I 'm afraid.

I have them as well and finally sought the help of a counselor and was properly diagnosed and have worked on treatments (there was a reason for the anger, but I'm not making that public!)

Anger doesn't go away on its own.


I read an excellent book called the Anger Habit. It explains very well why people get angry and a lot of times, it isn't b/c they are "mad" per se but for some other reason such as fear (my case). The true source of anger needn't be logical--but then again, neither is beating up a tool box.

Also--your husband is reacting as an angry child and his anger manifests in a very unhealthy manner.

I remember the first time in my life that I was able to recognize the physical signs that I was heading towards anger and it was almost exciting when it happened. If someone can't recognize their anger coming on, they can do little to stop it.

I will be forever grateful that my husband didn't provide a consequence to my anger (like leaving me!). Lord knows I would have deserved it even though at the time it was beyond my mental control.

Someone who beats up tool boxes with a hammer is not someone in their right mind who needs help.

Without it--his anger will ONLY get worse.

 

[bethy]

I don't say this lightly but there is no way I could subject my kids to that type of atmosphere at home. I'd seperate until he learns to control himself. The behavior you've described is emotionally abusive, IMO, especially for the kids. It is your responsibility as their mother to protect them or you are contributing to the abuse.

 

[MushyMushy]

He should get his testosterone checked. I have a friend who has some anger problems and his testosterone is off the charts.

 

[Seewhatimesdone]

This is the way my father is. We grew up around that and I understand just how painful and frightening it is. Recently he had a brain scan done and it was found that he has ADD as well. But now he is taking medication and he seems to have calmed down quite a bit. I guess the ADD causes the brain to overreact and do a lot of weird functions. The brain scan was not covered by insurance though and was quite pricey. Maybe if you DH talks to a doctor they can figure out some medicine that might help with the ADD. Getting him to take it is another story though.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Just remember that it's not you or your kids that have done anything wrong. You're not crazy, his behavior is irrational and inappropriate. I know it's scary but sooner or later you'll have to confront him and let him know that his behavior is unacceptable and he has to either do something about it or you have to make other arrangements.

 

[DisneyBlonde]

My dad can be like this. He's not usually destructive but he can get really nasty. He takes medication that helps...a tranquilizer I think.

 

[EmmersIsTheMommy]

Until he can admit he has a REAL problem, you may be 'out of luck'. He has to own up to his issue and get anger management.

This scares me for you. I grew up with my 'father' (term used loosely) who would act like that. Always with the eggshells. He never 'on purpose' hurt us..but emotional and mental manipulation and abuse (that's what this is) can be so much worse. It's easier to hide.

Please try to get him to admit his issues fully and get into actual anger management. Or go to a counselor together and YOU mention the abusive tenancies. My fear is that it will slowly turn into physical abuse..and you're already in an unhealthy environment.

 

[Camicar]

OP -- I am not saying the following lightly or out of inexperience. The opposite. I am saying this based upon life experience and with deep conviction.

You are describing life in an abusive household. Moreover, it's a household where the potential for violence is escalating.

Your dh is controlling and affecting your lives by instilling fear in all of you. The fact that he hasn’t hit any of you yet is irrelevant – your fear of being hit is deeply affecting your lives.

Your children should not live like this. I can tell you right now that your kids are being hurt emotionally by this behavior and will carry emotional scars because they are learning the lesson that loving a male = fear.

This will not end well unless your dh seeks help immediately and actually commits to changing. He can change if he wants to. I would, with a counselor’s help, tell him he needs to change AND I would also leave. Now.

 

[SKWDW]

...I read an excellent book called the Anger Habit. It explains very well why people get angry and a lot of times, it isn't b/c they are "mad" per se but for some other reason such as fear (my case)...

Thanks for this info Lisa. I just picked this up from our local library.

Sorry about this stressful situation OP. I agree that you should try to get to a therapy session with him.

 

[teacherforhi]

DH has had issues like that before. Always has. We finally figured it out when we found out he diabetes. When his sugar is low, he gets EXTREMELY grumpy, and nasty. Of course when he is grumpy and nasty, he refuses my advice to eat somthing.

Might be worth looking into

My mother as well. Exactly like the OP describes, then is finally diagnosed as having diabetes. While she still occasionally has 'temper tantrums,' she's a million times easier to deal with now that we know there's a cause for the problem and can fix it.

As far as refusing advice, I point blank tell my mother, "Your sugar is off. You need to deal with it before I will deal with you." Then I leave, whether it be the room, the house, wherever we are.

 

[bumbershoot]

2 thoughts.


1, my dad has been just plain mean in his life, and nothing has changed him. He isn't mean to me or my family, b/c I will stop him, but he's mean to other family. NOthing to be done and I wish my stepmom would just leave him.


2, my husband is NOT a mean guy, but for a couple years he was having weird "tantrums". I didn't think much of it, but then he was diagnosed with diabetes. He changed his diet around, he now has beautiful blood sugar numbers (with only diet and exercise, yay!), and his mood swings are GONE. Now that we think back, and we talk a lot about it, we realize how out of control his moods could be, based on what he ate. And we can't believe that we didn't realize it back then. It's worth a mention to the doc....

Oh, a third...if he's on medication for the ADD, he might be having a nasty reaction to it.

 

[Disney Doll]

I agree with the PP who said you are living in an abusive household.

Since his behavior is not changing and seems to be escalating, you need to take some steps.

Ask him to get a full physical to rule out physical reasons for his labile emotions and angry outbursts. Folks have mnetioned diabetes, ADD meds and other physical causes that have emotional/behavioral ramifications.

If he checks out fine physically, then you need to impress upon him the need to get his anger under control. He is seeing a therapist. That's good. he needs to be being truthful with the therapist and you need to be able to sit with the therapist and give your perspective on what it's like to live with him.

I am not sure how far you want to take this, but I would not want to be "modelling" this type of behavior to my children as behavior that is considered acceptable. I think if I was "walking on eggsheels" around my husband in an effort not to anger him, it would be time for some very serious discussion about the future of our marriage.

 

[rie'smom]

ADD meds can definitely lead to anger issues. One of our kids was on medication and the temper problem was unbelievable. A week after getting off the meds our sweet child had returned.
Some ADD medication is basically speed which can cause the taker not to be hungry. Then you have a person with low blood sugar which can trigger a temper tantrum.

 

[Serena]

I am so sorry.

Everyone has great advice.

I would sit him down when he's not being angry and have a heart to heart. Make sure the first words out of your mouth are that you love him but.... he cannot keep acting like this and needs to get help, more help that what he has right now.

Good luck, and do what it takes to protect your family. Even if that means, he needs to stay somewhere else for a little while until he gets control of himself.

 

[hlane]

Watching this thread cause we've dealt with the same issues. In Feb I finally for the first time in 13 years stood up to him and said that if the tantrums didnt' stop I was leaving, I was sick and tired of walking on eggshells. Things got so much better for a quite a while but lately he's been slipping back into old habits.

 

[minkydog]

OP -- I am not saying the following lightly or out of inexperience. The opposite. I am saying this based upon life experience and with deep conviction.

You are describing life in an abusive household. Moreover, it's a household where the potential for violence is escalating.

Your dh is controlling and affecting your lives by instilling fear in all of you. The fact that he hasn’t hit any of you yet is irrelevant – your fear of being hit is deeply affecting your lives.

Your children should not live like this. I can tell you right now that your kids are being hurt emotionally by this behavior and will carry emotional scars because they are learning the lesson that loving a male = fear.

This will not end well unless your dh seeks help immediately and actually commits to changing. He can change if he wants to. I would, with a counselor’s help, tell him he needs to change AND I would also leave. Now.

EVerything you say is true! OP, can I just tell you what happens when children grow up in an emotionally and physically abusive household?

My father was a cruel, nasty, sadistic man. He took great pleasure in showing people how superior he was mentally and physically. His favorite victims were children and women, and short men. He was very tall, 6'3" and quite proud of how imposing he was. My dad was a bully. He thought nothing of throwing these kinds of tantrums or threatening us with terrible punishment or even death. Beatings were a very common occurance.

My mother was afraid of my dad. As abusive as he was to us, he was really punishing to her. He just wore her down until she really believed all the lies he told her--"you make me angry. it's your fault. if you'd just do what I tell you I wouldn't have to do this to you." and "your fat, ugly, stupid, you're nothing, no man would ever want you, I"m doing you a favor by allowing you to live here." Just awful stuff.

So, how did this affect me? Well, for one thing I am very anxious in the presence of men. I like men, but I don't trust them. I am afraid especially of tall, muscular men. It's not something I can control. I have a lot of difficulty setting boundaries, a leftover effect of having to constantly please someone who might hurt me. Both my father and my mother contributed to this body of knowledge.

If your DH will not allow you to go to one of his sessions, then you need to see a therapist on your own. You need to figure out why you're putting up with this. You need to find ways to protect the children--they should absolutely NOT be subjected to this level of anger in a parent. Above all, you need to feel safe. If you are all walking around on eggshells there is no safety in your home. It's only a matter of time before your husband hits one of you in anger, and from there it's a slippery slope. "Once in a while" becomes a regular occurance.

What you are experiencing is domestic violence. Get help.