Need some advice....

[Wishing on a star]

On the other hand, just to be contrary this Monday morning, I wonder if so many are all over about this "loser" because he is a man.

....The chores he is doing at home is no different than what millions of women are doing now. A man can live with a woman that doesn't work but takes care of the house and she isn't labeled as lazy or not trying to contribute.

To answer your question... NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT....

I know people who have the man staying at home and the woman working because the woman has WAY more earning capacity than the man. It works for them because it was a mutual decision for the good of their family

What she said!!!

There are woman out there who have more than enough financial assets to want a man just to be their companion at home and look pretty on their arm..
But, this is few and far between..... Most women want, and need, WAY WAY WAY more than that from a man.

Also, bearing and raising small children is a far, far, cry from a little vacuuming and dishwashing.

 

[mumom95]

I agree with the others who have said that if he hasn't found a job in 10 months, two more weeks isn't going to make a difference.

But, I have to ask: when he gets a job are you planning on shortening your hours? Because you kept saying you are just so tired, and I don't see how him getting a job is going to help you any in that department. If anything, you'll probably have to pick up more of the slack at home.

I can understand the resentment. It doesn't sound like him staying home permanently was in the original agreement. And if the resentment is the only issue, than I agree he either needs to find a job or be gone. But if you think him getting a job is going to make your life suddenly easier, I just don't see how that is going to happen.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I can see how the OP feels soooo tired, and how her man having a job would improve that situation...

Sure, he is helping out some when she is being productive all day...
But, what happens on her days off...
Is she getting any breaks????

Sounds like every free hour is spent making up the slack, cooking, handling the finances, etc....

In order for her to have a break, she needs a man who is earning some money, and who can say "Hey, lets take the day off... Let me take us out.." etc...

Just because he is 'helping out' during her busy week, does not mean that she is really getting any kind of a break. Not at all.

She is in a position of, as the one poster put it, 'buying her own ring'....

IMHO, that is not a good position to stay in.

Not at all.

 

[a1tinkfans]

OP:
I think you have found a VERY smart guy!
I mean, he gets.....
FREE room
FREE board
FREE meals
FREE access to YOUR personal items as HE wishes.
NO stress
NO real life "exposure"
And gets YOU each night............. Lucky HIM

... WHY do you think HE deserves ALL this while YOU deserve ZIPPO in return?

Surely you know in your heart that LOVE is MUTUALLY respecting each other and sadly, what he says and what he "does" to show it are 2 very different things!
Sorry you are in this situation, but I think you must either resign yourself that you are not "worthy" of being treated respectfully OR explain to him that you DESERVE to have someone that does what he needs to do to HELP you, and that is more than a clean house, Goodness, I'd rather have Dust Bunnies than No $$ support or emotional support....
I think he is lazy or depressed or Non Pro-active, to say the least and taking "ANY" job to show some initiative is needed, like Yesterday!!! It also will be even more difficult when he says hes been sitting doing Nothing...all this time, I know I would not hire him...so lets hope he is creative to get past that additional obstacle
Good Luck OP, YOU are worth FAR MORE than he is thinking you are worth! Thats just wrong!!
Whats that expression......there are lots of fishes in the sea....get FISHING!

 

[mumom95]

Sure, he is helping out some when she is being productive all day...
But, what happens on her days off...
Is she getting any breaks????

Sounds like every free hour is spent making up the slack, cooking, handling the finances, etc....

.

Will any of that change if he gets a job? All that stuff will still need to be done, and if he leaves or gets a job she'll still have that plus anything he does currently.

I agree the guy needs to get a job or if he doesn't and she doesn't want to support him, he needs to leave.

I just don't get how him getting a job or leaving is going to make her life easier. Unless his job would make enough money that they could pay people to do all of the other stuff.

 

[lovepurple]

What is this man's work history like? Did he have a steady job before moving in? It just reminds me of my mom's husband who is very content for her to be the only worker and he stays home and spends her money. She puts her foot down sometimes and he will work for a few months or weeks and then quits. I don't get it but he was like that before she married him so I guess she knew what she was getting into.

 

[Carly_Roach]

On the other hand, just to be contrary this Monday morning, I wonder if so many are all over about this "loser" because he is a man. The chores he is doing at home is no different than what millions of women are doing now. A man can live with a woman that doesn't work but takes care of the house and she isn't labeled as lazy or not trying to contribute.

Actually, that's the first thing that occurred to me when I read the OP's post and the drama-drenched comments that followed.

Just imagine if it was a women who posted here about giving up her job, family, friends and everything to move across country to be with the man she loved and hoped to marry. She tried finding work in the new location, couldn't find work, so she decided that she'd do her part by taking care of the man's child and house. Everything seemed to be going well because he never mentioned anything being wrong.

Then one day that guy just up and said, "Y'know what? I talked to my peeps on an internet bulletin board and I'm tired of always having to pay for everything. You got two weeks to find a job, even if it's at Burger King, or you're out. I'm tired of supporting you." I'm already getting a mental picture of what this board would have to say about him.

And if she tried to dialogue with him about everything she gave up in order to move in with him and his response was, "Tough. Not my problem", I can see everyone here getting a lynching rope ready.

OP: get your advice from people in your real life. They know your situation a heck of a lot better than we do and can give you much more valuable advice than we ever could.

 

[Northstar]

Actually, that's the first thing that occurred to me when I read the OP's post and the drama-drenched comments that followed.

Just imagine if it was a women who posted here about giving up her job, family, friends and everything to move across country to be with the man she loved and hoped to marry. She tried finding work in the new location, couldn't find work, so she decided that she'd do her part by taking care of the man's child and house. Everything seemed to be going well because he never mentioned anything being wrong.

Then one day that guy just up and said, "Y'know what? I talked to my peeps on an internet bulletin board and I'm tired of always having to pay for everything. You got two weeks to find a job, even if it's at Burger King, or you're out. I'm tired of supporting you." I'm already getting a mental picture of what this board would have to say about him.

And if she tried to dialogue with him about everything she gave up in order to move in with him and his response was, "Tough. Not my problem", I can see everyone here getting a lynching rope ready.
.

Seriously? If she never discussed the change of plan (about her getting work) with him, and SHE DECIDED that her contribution would be as a homemaker? We'd be telling her that she should have had a serious discussion with the guy to be sure he's on board, and not just assume that love means never having to get a job. Well, I would anyway.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

You already have one child, why would you want a man-child with you? He loves you? Sounds like he loves having you for a mommy. You take care of him and he does a few chores. Where is the partnership? He needs to go. You deserve so much more! Good luck, I know it's hard.

 

[dawn1620]

I can understand some posters point of view that he is at home taking care of the housework, ect and that is not a bad thing..but that does not sound like the agreement they had when he moved in.

Putting in a huge effort trying to find a job and not being able to is not the same as what this guy is doing. It does not sound like he has put in a whole lot of effort at all to find one. And right now he is only trying to find employment because you give him an ultimatum. He's had no problem mooching off you for a year...what makes you think that even if he does find a job he will keep it.

You've got your future and your kid's future to think about...something he obviously is not doing.

Love does not put a roof over your head or pay for the things you need...cut your losses even though it will hurt now you'll be thankful in the long run.

 

[dislaney]

Time to say Adios! If he was actively looking for a job or you agreed he would stay home to take care of the house that would be different but he sounds like he likes the current situation a bit too much! Bye Bye!

 

[hereyago]

Well if the woman in your scenario could get a job at BK or someplace but thought it wasn't "Her" thing, I would be telling the guy the same thing. The OP should have had Rico Suave get there before moving and aquire a job then come back and move in. Not sure if she has a teen boy or girl, but it doesn't matter, because the teen gets to see this and hopefully not model after it.
It is one thing to say I am not going to work but do everything around the house from the jump and then if it's agreed. But there is no way no how anyone will move in with me and not work. I am a big girl, I can clean cook and work, I dont need someone for that.