Need some advice....

[hereyago]

. He has even brought up marriage (NOT happening!)..

Hun, you would have had to pay for your ring, you would have been engaged to yourself. no wang a lang is all that.

 

[Buckalew11]

2 weeks is generous at this point. He's had almost 12 MONTHS!

I'm here to tell you that my DH has never been w/o a job. His job got cut last April and he never went w/o a paycheck. Lost that job within the month because of a pre-existing medical condition (has to have elbow replaced) and they couldn't keep him because of that info. Went from that job into another one. He isn't happy with this one but it is a job that pays the bills while he is ALSO going to school to get his nursing degree.
Your man needs a JOB.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Unless you are willing to accept this type of behavior from him for the rest of your life, you need to think about moving on without him. You can keep carrying him as long as you want to, but......

I will give this a huge THIRD....

Honey, if you bring this up and issue ultimatums, etc... sure, he might go out and do something... for a while....

DO NOT IGNORE RED FLAGS... DO NOT IGNORE CLEAR FACTS.... This man has not worked for a year... he is not motivated, he is not productive... This isn't going to change... Sounds like he pictures himself to be some kind of gigolo... worthy of being a 'kept man'.

 

[dis-happy]

Unless you are willing to accept this type of behavior from him for the rest of your life, you need to think about moving on without him. You can keep carrying him as long as you want to, but it's going to be exhausting. Good luck. I don't think it's worth it.

Truer words were never written.

My friend begged her au pair/exchange student not to get married to the guy she decided to marry. His father never worked and the mom supported the family and my friend said the fiance would be exactly the same. Fast forward a few years later: she (the former au pair) has put herself through school, is employed full time, takes care of their baby...while the dh does nothing.

I'd get him out of there....if he loves you he can get his own place (that he pays for) and continue to date you. But really, it sounds like you'd be better off without him.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I will give this a huge THIRD....

Honey, if you bring this up and issue ultimatums, etc... sure, he might go out and do something... for a while....

DO NOT IGNORE RED FLAGS... DO NOT IGNORE CLEAR FACTS.... This man has not worked for a year... he is not motivated, he is not productive... This isn't going to change... Sounds like he pictures himself to be some kind of gigolo... worthy of being a 'kept man'.

Truer words were never written.

My friend begged her au pair/exchange student not to get married to the guy she decided to marry. His father never worked and the mom supported the family and my friend said the fiance would be exactly the same. Fast forward a few years later: she (the former au pair) has put herself through school, is employed full time, takes care of their baby...while the dh does nothing.

I'd get him out of there....if he loves you he can get his own place (that he pays for) and continue to date you. But really, it sounds like you'd be better off without him.

I agree with these posts.

If he hasn't thought it important enough to get a job and pull his own weight in the past year, what is 2 weeks going to do? I think you need to decide if you want someone in your life that you are going to have to keep prodding and pushing to be a productive member of your family, or do you want someone who is going to be a responsible member on his own so that the both of you can grow together.

Good luck.

 

[jwhtewolfd]

Take it from someone with experience. He's had 10 months. Two weeks will make NO difference.

Of COURSE he wants to marry you. Then you are stuck with him and he has it made!

When he whines (and he will whine) that he gave up this and that and moved for you, all you have to say is "not my problem." You are not the leech that sat around doing nothing for 10 months. He made that decision each and every day. Think about that for a minute. Each and every day he watched you get out of bed and go to work and actively decided not to care or contribute.

 

[lifenthetropics]

dump him now

 

[dakcp2001]

I think its time to move on! Guys like this will latch on to a woman like you, and when you get sick of it, he will find another one. It has been a year, so obviously if he wanted a job he would have one. It mihgt not be the one he wants, but he could get something.

Move on, you deserve better! You will find somoene who appreciates all you do and has the same drive.

 

[j's m]

dump him now

If you marry him, then dump him, he'll file for alimony and the lifestyle he's been accustomed to.

 

[MickeySP]

I have to go with what is said.

He has lived the nice relaxed vacation on your dime - why should he give that up? I would walk away now.

 

[mjkacmom]

Was he living with his parents before you moved in together? That would be a HUGE red flag.

 

[Heidict]

Truer words were never written.

My friend begged her au pair/exchange student not to get married to the guy she decided to marry. His father never worked and the mom supported the family and my friend said the fiance would be exactly the same. Fast forward a few years later: she (the former au pair) has put herself through school, is employed full time, takes care of their baby...while the dh does nothing.

I'd get him out of there....if he loves you he can get his own place (that he pays for) and continue to date you. But really, it sounds like you'd be better off without him.

My DH's father was the same way. His DM worked, cooked, cleaned and did everything for that family and the DF did NOTHING. Thankfully though, it had the opposite effect on my DH. He has always worked and wouldn't feel like a man if he just sat around the house and expected me to support him because he was to lazy to work. He also does laundry and a good deal of housework and care for our daughter. Yeah, he's got me spoiled.

If he had been anything like his father our relationship would never have reached the point of marriage. I was always raised with the "man provides for his family" attitude and could not tolerate a man sitting around being lazy and sponging of a woman.

 

[Frantasmic]

Some things to consider.

Is your residence a house that you are purchasing/leasing or an apartment? How is the lease set up if it is a lease? Is his name on it in any shape or form?

I'm just asking how the legal stuff would be handled if you do have to kick him out in two weeks?

If it is your house, be prepared to put his stuff on the porch and change the locks, etc.

I'm with other posters in that he will probably get something for a while and then go back to his current ways. So, I wouldn't accept something that may be temporary. Whatever line of work he was doing before he moved in with you is what he needs to be looking for. Something permanent, with stability and benefits. Face it. You've changed and grown in the last 10 months. You're going to college and trying to move into a permanent place in the workforce. He hasn't. So, a fast food job, really doesn't show the qualities you are hoping he will show. That's not putting down people who work in fast food. If he wanted to manage a fast food place or a grocery store or an insurance store or, well, you get the picture, that's what he needs to be showing. it needs to match the changes you've attempted in the last year.

 

[AlleyKat]

I have a great boyfriend
I love him to death, but dont want to be the only provider here. I feel like if I have to do it all by myself, I should be by myself.

Why is he great?

he looks in my eyes and says he loves me and nothings wrong.

From what you've posted, (IMO) he sounds like a con artist.

If he hasn't thought it important enough to get a job and pull his own weight in the past year, what is 2 weeks going to do?

Mary Jo's post hits the nail on the head!

 

[AlleyKat]

Some things to consider.

Whatever line of work he was doing before he moved in with you is what he needs to be looking for.

Was he working when you met him?

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Just want to add as others have mentioned, my former coworker married a man who preferred to sit on his bottom and not go to work. After many years of her having the pleasure of supporting him, HE filed for divorce and she now has the pleasure of paying alimony and still supporting him while he sits on his bottom. Yuck.

 

[Nancyg56]

Unless you are willing to accept this type of behavior from him for the rest of your life, you need to think about moving on without him. You can keep carrying him as long as you want to, but it's going to be exhausting. Good luck. I don't think it's worth it.

Others have said this and I want to add ITA! One problem with the two week ultimatum is that if he gets a job it will be just to pacify you. And then he will lose it. There will be a reason, there is always a reason. And you will be starting this all over again.

I don't think that this is the only issue here though. You have a teen that you are responsible for and your example of tolerating this kind of behavior is pretty poor. I do not know if you have a daughter or a son. Ask yourself if your DD was in this situation, would you want this for her? If your son was treating his wife this way, would you be proud? You are the role model your child has and your example teaches that teen how to live.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I will say that because this situation bothers you then yes something should be done about it. Why would you move someone in with you without the guy having a job? What does this say to your child?


On the other hand, just to be contrary this Monday morning, I wonder if so many are all over about this "loser" because he is a man. The chores he is doing at home is no different than what millions of women are doing now. A man can live with a woman that doesn't work but takes care of the house and she isn't labeled as lazy or not trying to contribute.


Like I said because this situation bothers you it does have to change. Are you going to make him stay employed? What happens if he gets a job and then magically loses it 3 months later? Are you going to just kick him out when he says he has no where to go? Going to give him money to go somewhere? I don't think it's just that easy to bump someone out as people think. What are you going to explain to your child? Think about all this and set up sometime line I guess unless you can be hard core and just set him out the door.

 

[kdudley3]

I know this probably won't be popular...just food for thought...do u think he might be depressed ? I know staying home has stifled me, but next year the kids r on there own and I can live my life.

Maybe he is humiliated that he can't find a job that makes him feel worth while ( and make him less of a man).

Like I said...just food for thought.

Good luck with whatever your decision is...and try to stay stong.

Best wishes !

 

[Disney Doll]

I know people who have the man staying at home and the woman working because the woman has WAY more earning capacity than the man. It works for them because it was a mutual decision for the good of their family and the man who is staying at home is doing his job, which is to care for the home and the children. This includes cleaninig, ironing, washing, generally keeping the house and doing all the thimngs for/with the children that a stay at home Mom would do. He is, in essence, the stay at home parent so the expectations for him are the same as they would be if he were the mother staying at home.

Please note that this situation worked because it was a mutual decision by both parties as to what would work for their family, both parties were agreeable, the husband held up his end of the bargain by doing all the home things while the wife held up her end of the bargain by doing all the work things.

OP, it doesn't sound like that is your situation. It sounds like he's been mooching. He can lovingly look into your eyes all he wants, but the fact remains that you have been supporting a man for about a year who has the capability to work and just isn't. And you don't like it.

He is given you some very important information about who he is. Pay attention. 2 weeks is not going to make a difference. Frankly, if I told a guy he had 2 weeks to find a job or he was out, and he came back with a job within that 2 weeks, that would aggravate me even more because I'd be thinking "Oh sure, when you were threatened you found a job within 2 weeks but you sat on your butt for 10 months prior to that".

My advice would be to tell him that the current situation is not acceptable to you and he has 3 days to pack his stuff anf find other housing.

if you own the house, on Day 3 pack his stuff and toss it on the porch and change the locks.