need some advice on a serious matter. Long

[hydster]

I think you should do it now but not go into too much detail more than is needed. Kind of like the sex talk....tell him what he NEEDS to know right now and no more. I would tell him that you were married to a man who didn't love you like your dh does now. Tell him that you didn't want him growing up in a hate filled house or something to that effect and then go into the positives about his life and how much his "dad" loves him! It's going to be hard! My bro and sil adopted a boy and he is now 11. They leveled with him from the very beginning and thought all was well. Well they adopted him because she had my niece who is 20 and then had several miscarriages and then lost an ovary and a fallopian tube due to endometriosis. They thought they'd never get pregnant and the doctors all told them that the chances were very slim. Well at the now age of 47 they have a biological 2 year old that was a total WHOOPS and my adopted nephew is struggling with it right now! It's never easy but I think you really need to level with him and tell him as much as he should know! I wouldn't go any deeper than needed and I'd let him guide you once you open up the door. I don't have a lot of advice on how to open the door but I think once you do you will be relieved and he may be also!

Good luck to you...I know this will be hard at first but with a lot of love and support from your whole family it can be done! Stay strong and level with him before someone else does

Heidi

 

[jodifla]

As an adoptee, I'm pretty stunned you didn't tell him from the beginning. This is going to be a blow at 10, but if you wait until he's 18, don't be surprised if he won't speak to you. (For awhile, anyway.....)

 

[froglady]

DM was adopted 80+ years ago, back in the day when it was kept secret. Her adoptive mother died when she was 8; her adoptive father died (suicide...she found him) when she was 17. She found out that she was adopted the day of his funeral, in the cruelest way imaginable. "Why's she crying? It's not like he was her REAL father."

She has never gotten over that hurt, and wishes that one of her parents had told her the truth. Talk about pouring salt in the wound!

As others have mentioned, it's a small town, lots of people know the truth. Someone, somewhere, is going to blurt out the truth, and not necessarily in a nice way.

 

[Shugardrawers]

I have to agree. It's time to tell him. Your DS has already begun to question his heritage by commenting that he "looks chinese" and other children see it as well. I think if you wait too much longer you risk his resenting not being told sooner. Personally, I think a 10 year old is old enough to get the gist of what you'll be telling him. You may wish to keep some of the more personal details to yourself for a while longer though.

I would definitely encourage his interest in the chinese culture. Whether he ever meets his bio father or not, it's who he is and he has every reason to be proud of his heritage (if not necessarily the "man" who gave it to him).

 

[wdw4us]

As an adoptee, I'm pretty stunned you didn't tell him from the beginning. This is going to be a blow at 10, but if you wait until he's 18, don't be surprised if he won't speak to you. (For awhile, anyway.....)

I agree. My FIL was adopted. He is 83 at the moment. His parents adopted him as an infant and never told him. At 18 he wanted to join the service (WWII) but his parents would not give him his birth certificate so he went to city hall for a copy. That was when he found out. I don't know what birth certificates say now or did 10 years ago but you might want to check on it.

My FIL was devasted and had a huge blowout with his parents. They later made up. Prior to this his mother had had a child out of wedlock. Finally when she was married - they couldn't have children so adopted my FIL. We later got to meet and was friendly with the "brother" but they never told my FIL his birth father's name he only got to meet his "real" grandmother on her deathbed because she wanted forgiveness. Funny thing is he looks exactly like the grandmother.

I wish you luck, at 10 he's probably wondering and testing you. Honesty - especially in a small town may be the best policy.

denise

 

[MissMinnie]

I was adopted as an infant and knew all along I was. My parents never hid the truth so it was never a "big deal" or a family secret. I was what it was and we even celebrated our "adoption anniversary" every year. (The day we came home to our adoptive family). I have siblings that are adopted too. I would have devistated to find this out as an adult or from someone else. You need to be honest with your son asap and tailor the talk to his age so that he can comprehend it. He is probably pointing out the difference in his appearance as a way of opening up the door to a discussion with you. There is no shame in leaving an abusive man or being adopted. Celebrate the beautiful child you have and the good life you have now.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I just remember this: My sister's boyfriend is the third of four boys. His parents got married when the Mom was pregnant. They grew into their 30s thinking they were all blood bothers. Well one day my sister was at the families cottage on a lake and saw a man she mistook for the oldest brother. She asked her boyfriend's aunt if the oldest (who did not look like the other three) look like this man. The aunt said he was the father and when he would not marry the pregnant girlfiend she married the other man. So the oldest brother is really a half brother. The aunt must have told the parents that my sister figure out the family secret, so they sat all four boys down and told them the true. All four boys were devistated. The oldest even pulled away from the family for a while. When I saw my sister and her boyfriend after the talk, I could see how hurt he was. So even the best kept secrets can be found out by a "stranger" to the secret. Even in your 30s this is hard to swallow.

 

[siouxi31]

I say that you should tell him. It's only my opinion that waiting could make it worse. Kids are pretty sweet when they're 10 years old. Just be prepared to answer his questions.
Can you do it in a way where it's not a HUGE deal? Maybe just casually talking to him? I wonder if you make it seem very serious that he'll pick up on that whereas just casually entering into a discussion will make it seem not so serious.
I'm adopted and always knew that I was adopted which made it no big deal.
Good luck to you. I'd love to hear the outcome. You may be pleasantly surprised.

 

[minnieandmickeymouse]

I don't know what birth certificates say now or did 10 years ago but you might want to check on it.

DH is on his birth certificate. He adopted him

 

[PaulaSue]

I hope this is no offense...I can't believe you didn't tell him anything yet at this age. It must be a very painful subject for you.

Maybe you should go to a profession to help you work out some matters before you bring it up to DS.

Best Wishes!

 

[minnieandmickeymouse]

I say that you should tell him. It's only my opinion that waiting could make it worse. Kids are pretty sweet when they're 10 years old. Just be prepared to answer his questions.
Can you do it in a way where it's not a HUGE deal? Maybe just casually talking to him? I wonder if you make it seem very serious that he'll pick up on that whereas just casually entering into a discussion will make it seem not so serious.
I'm adopted and always knew that I was adopted which made it no big deal.
Good luck to you. I'd love to hear the outcome. You may be pleasantly surprised.

I agree with this. I think we should talk about it like it's not a big deal. Things with my DS seem to roll off his back pretty easily.

 

[Snow Brite]

What a difficult situation. I have no experience with this but just wanted to offer a hug.

I guess if this was me, I would start by telling him that he is very loved and that his Dad loves him so much that he chose to have him as his son. I would share that you are a little nervous to tell him this, and that you hope he will listen all the way through and then ask you any questions he has. The I would tell him about the relationship, in abreviated form, how you were together for a long time, that you loved him, that you tried very hard to make things work, and a few good things about his dad but that he was not kind to you and you were scared of being hurt. Then you found out you were pregnant and knew you had to leave to protect your beautiful child.

Then I would talk about how you met his Dad, how much it meant to you that he loved the child you already had, how they bonded to each other and how he married you and your child. I would talk about how his Dad took care of him as a baby, little baby memories, what he thought the first time he called him Daddy.

I would try to make it as loving and normal and yet realistic as possible. And let you son know that he is SOOOOOOOOOOO loved. That his Dad chose to be his Dad and could not have chosen a better boy. That he will always be his Dad and love him forever and nothing can possibly change that.

Again, good for you for deciding to deal with this. It will be so much better to know that he was chosen in love and your family was born in love than to find out from a stranger as has been pointed out.

 

[minnieandmickeymouse]

I knew in my heart it was getting time to tell him. Or I wouldn't have brought it up with my DH. He agrees as most of you all do to, that's it time. Wish my luck with this. Not sure when we will talk with him, within a couple of weeks I'm sure. I just hope that he takes it well.

 

[Stacey2grls]

Wow, what a toughie. Your son deserves to know his heritage and the fact that he was adopted by your husband. I wouldn't wait any longer. By him commenting that he looked chinese in the video might mean that he might have an idea that he is different. Good luck to you and your son.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Don't worry you will do fine and he will love the two of you just as much.

 

[DawnCt1]

I got some good advice from Dr. Laura when it came to something along those lines.

Is this going to help the child or burden the child?

Since he has no contact and is already 10, I do not see how telling him NOW will benefit. Now he will look at the dad he has known all of his life and "see" him differently.

I do not see this as helpful to your child. Now if he questions it or later when he is over 18, different story. But at an older age he will be able to understand. At 10, nope.

I agree with this. Perhaps someday he will ask and then she can say; "Of course he's your dad, he chose YOU" and when he is past the turmoil of adolescence, and if he asks, tell h im.

 

[Lanshark]

Also, do not forget that you have other kids who are going to find out what's going on. Be sure to include what you are going to tell them as you think this through.

 

[grlpwrd]

Wow, that's is a real tough one, but I do think you should tell him. It is the right thing to do and being that I am part Chinese myself it seems like it is robbing him of his heritage if that makes sense. Yes, he deserves to know his heritage. Thank goodness you have a better life now and you got away from his father, but your ds still should embrace his culture and celebrate who he is.

He may even already have a sense that he is unique and it may actually be a relief to him once you tell him. I know that my family kept a secret from me until 2003 and I was very, very angry. Don't wait too late.

Is there a counselor at his school or other professional that can assist you?

GL to all of you!

 

[tiffick]

Similar situation (not an abusive relationship but he didn't want a child and spent a lot of time telling me to have an abortion). DD is 9 and we just told her about 6 weeks ago. She wasn't at all surprised really. She knew that we had an adoption case but thought it was to change her name like mommy did when she and daddy got married. I spoke with a counselor before hand (because DD is also ADHD and a drama queen...didn't know how she would react.) I just started the conversation by asking her if she had any questions about where she came from, etc. When they make comments like "I look Chinese" I think they are looking for your reaction. I'm sure he realizes something is different. Our counselor told us to be very brief with what we said in the beginning and then to answer ONLY the questions she asked. This was not to hide anything from her, but she explained that if they can ASK the question the can UNDERSTAND the answer. She took it really well and I explained that my husband was her "real dad". Just because someone helps create you doesn't make them a dad. I also didn't spend time making bio dad look bad, I told her all of the great things about "adoptive dad". I am also very relieved that no one else can tell her my secret now because she already knows! What a great feeling. This also opened the door for me to throw in the "Why you shouldn't have sex before your married" lecture! HA! HA! One of the first questions she asked was why we hadn't told her sooner?!

Good Luck!!

 

[Andrea]

one of my friends was kinda the same way you are.... but she got married to the guy to keep him here in the states. She ended up preg. and she decided it was better to leave. (she is white and he is chinese also) the baby girl look very much like her father, she is now 5 years old. The baby has "met" her real dad, but doesnt know that, he was (is) is dad.
My friend still has not told her daughter yet. My best friend isnt married, but living with a guy and her daughter just calls the guy by his first name