need some advice on a serious matter. Long

[minnieandmickeymouse]

I was in a long time abusive relationship from the time I was 15 until the age of 21. It was an inter-racial relationship he was chinese, me white. The ONLY reason I ended up leaving was because I was pregnant with his baby, and I just didn't want MY child growing up in a home with that kind of abuse. THis other guy held guns to my head, hit me, verbally abused me and raped me many, many times in our years together. He wanted me to have an abortion, and I lived with him until I was about 3 months pregnant (putting up with daily harrasment to get an abortion) I kicked him out of our apartment when I was 3 months pg.

I have been married to a wonderful man ( today is our 9th year aniversary!! ) who adopted my son when he was 1 year old, shortly after we married (DH and I have know eachother since I was 17). My DS has only known my DH as his father. My son is now 10, is half chinese, and as of yet never suspects anything. When he was young I NEVER wanted him to know about his real bio father. Now I wonder when is the right age to tell him the truth. My husband and I NEVER EVER have spoke of this in all our nine years. He's his kid. But I brought it up this past week on a drive (just the 2 of us). We both think it would have been better if DS had know all his life that he was half adopted. But since that's not the was it is, we wonder what is best for him now. Should we tell him now at age 10, or wait until he is older??
I don't want to ruin what we have now. We have 3 other children ages 7,5, and 4, some day I know DS will know something is different, he is the only one with brown eyes, darker skin.

The real funny part about this is our DS has ALWAY had a facination(sp?) with china, and anything that is chinese. I find that to be so weird and very interesting. And when he saw a video of himself as a baby a few weeks ago, he said "I look chinese!!" I just said what makes you think you look chinese. and ofcourse he didn't know.

What are we suppose to do?? I don't want to screw him up! He is a very sensitive boy, with a HUGE heart, and I don't want to break it. Should we get some advice from a professional? Or is this not going to be as bad as I think it will be?

 

[mickeyfan2]

I really don't know when it the right time. Has he figured out the he is older than the number of years you are married? I think I would start to help him in his China fasination and maybe you will get an opportunity to tell him that DH is his father, but he is part Chinese.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I think you need to tell him now. I think it would be better now then when he has all that teenage stuff going on which will be soon. Does he look chinese at all? I'm surprised that the way he look hasn't been an issue yet. Maybe talking with a counselor will help you come up with a plan.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I got some good advice from Dr. Laura when it came to something along those lines.

Is this going to help the child or burden the child?

Since he has no contact and is already 10, I do not see how telling him NOW will benefit. Now he will look at the dad he has known all of his life and "see" him differently.

I do not see this as helpful to your child. Now if he questions it or later when he is over 18, different story. But at an older age he will be able to understand. At 10, nope.

 

[Christine]

This is a hard one.

First of all, I COMMEND you for getting out of the relationship and being strong. That all must have taken a lot of guts to do.

Now, your son. I have an 11 year old son and he is very sensitive and curious. I'm not sure that, at this point, I could "thrust" this kind of information on him. But, I agree it is probably best not to let this go on for too much longer.

I would say that in the next 2 years, he is probably going to start noticing more and more (my son is getting really *wise* these days). When he does bring something up next time, I know you heart will be in your stomach, but I think these little "openings" that he gives you are going to be the time to pull him aside and start having talks about this. I don't think this is going to be easy for you but I think he will take it better if it is done over the next year or two versus, say, doing it when he is 16. Teens can get REALLY WIGGED about stuff.

Good luck. I wish I had some better ideas.

 

[Jennifer S]

I agree you should tell him now. Plus it's best he hears it from you. You never know what a relative could say in the future. We have friends in a similar situation and their daughter is 15 and they have not told her. Everyone else knows and i'm sure one day it's going to slip out. Good luck!

 

[minnieandmickeymouse]

I really don't know when it the right time. Has he figured out the he is older than the number of years you are married? I think I would start to help him in his China fasination and maybe you will get an opportunity to tell him that DH is his father, but he is part Chinese.

We have been very hush, hush about how many years we have been married. Just say it's our anniversary, and that's it.

 

[floridafam]

I also think it's great that things have worked out well for all of you.

My son will be 10 in June and he's a pretty smart cookie. I don't know anything about your son but I would think (judging from his age) that he has some idea that something is different.

I think now is the perfect time to address it. I tend to think honesty is the best policy.

It might shock him or he might indicate to you that it gives hime peace. It could really go in any direction. I certainly wouldn't wait, though.

I would be honest, supportive and encourage him to talk to you and ask any questions he may have. Just make him feel loved because he obviously is.

I could be totally WRONG here so don't take my advice unless you want to.

Maybe you could consult a counselor at school or something for some direction.

You sound like you have a happy family. I wish you the best.

 

[gris gris]

I have no advice for you because I really don't know what to do. But I wanted to say Happy Anniversary! You and DH sound like great parents!

 

[minnieandmickeymouse]

I agree you should tell him now. Plus it's best he hears it from you. You never know what a relative could say in the future. We have friends in a similar situation and their daughter is 15 and they have not told her. Everyone else knows and i'm sure one day it's going to slip out. Good luck!

This is another thing that could happen here! We live in the same small town where me and abusive BF were in high school. Many people knew him, and know me, and I KNOW they must see HIS face in my DS face!


A part of me just doesn't ever want to tell him

 

[PlaneJoy1]

I have a similar situation, only that our choice was to never hide the adoption from our DD. We talk about openly, if she asks. Again, that was our choice. We have family members that have handled things differently.

I only tell you that to say that telling your DS can be a positive experience and not the negative experience you may dread. We simply tell DD that she is very special because she has more than 1 dad who loves her. Her birth father loved her enough that he wanted her to have a "real" family, since he couldn't be here. Her (now) dad loves her just the same as he loves her sister, but he also has a special love for her because she was chosen to be his.

At some point in his life I would think he would come to resent the fact that you didn't tell him. His self-esteem may suffer because he looks a little different and doesn't know why. This is a much less timultuous (sp?) time, than teenage years and even young adult years.

Just my two cents. Each family has to decide what is right for them. We felt it was right for us to be straight forward and honest and not hide the fact that she was adopted.

Good luck with your decision!

 

[Christine]

A part of me just doesn't ever want to tell him

I think this is a totally normal feeling. You really just want to pretend it never happened. But, like floridafam said, I bet he already knows something is different and it probably makes him wonder.

 

[AuntieM03]

From experience I would say these things always come out. You need to decide if it will come from you or from someone who may not have your son's best interests at heart. Only you will know when the right time is, but if he is noticing that he looks different it may be the time. Otherwise you may end up in lies that will be more damaging than the truth.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I think this is a totally normal feeling. You really just want to pretend it never happened. But, like floridafam said, I bet he already knows something is different and it probably makes him wonder.

I wonder if the baby picture comment was a reaction to something he heard. Maybe somebody told him he looks chinese. That may have been a great time to start the conversation, but it is now past. Watch for other openings like that to start the conversation.

Ideally never telling him would be best, but something always gets in the way of that plan. What if he needed a transplant and none of your kids or you matched? The next place to look is the bio-dad and another kids he may have. It would probably be best for him not to find out at that time. This is just a hypothetical senario.

 

[minnieandmickeymouse]

Another questions I have is, WHAT do we say to DS? How do we tell him?

 

[Evil Genius]

I would tell him the truth now. I would tell him why you left his bio father. (no details but that he was abusive) Your dh is his dad and I think he probably has an inkling that something is different. Good Luck


Happy Anniversary!!

 

[minnieandmickeymouse]

I wonder if the baby picture comment was a reaction to something he heard. Maybe somebody told him he looks chinese. That may have been a great time to start the conversation, but it is now past. Watch for other openings like that to start the conversation.

Kids have told him he looks chinese. I asked him what he said to the kids that said that to him, and he just said the same thing back to the kids (that they look chinese). The thing is, I live in a very rural place, I would say in this town we are 98%white, I live in VT. So I am sure these kids can see a difference. Also the kids parents may know who his father is.

DS has never come out and say to us that he feels like he looks different. So could he be just hiding from us the fact that he may think this?

 

[jenks0718]

This reminds me of myself so much...

My mom and dad are both white and I look Puerto Rican. Since I was born my dad raised me as his own and my parents never mentioned or brought up why I looked the way I did. I always told people I was Indian because my grandmom was and she had dark hair and eyes like me. To this day my mom and dad never discussed it with me, but I found out from my aunt the true story. My mom used to be married before and she got divorced. She was pregnant with me and she remarried my dad and he raised me. I love my parents and respect my dad for what he did. I see him as my Father and my Daddy. I have no identity problems and have no desire at all to search for the "spermdonor" or ask questions. I know that I am rare in how I feel, but I just had such a wonderful life and I wouldnt want it any other way. It also taught me to be "color blind" in a way.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Kids have told him he looks chinese. I asked him what he said to the kids that said that to him, and he just said the same thing back to the kids (that they look chinese). The thing is, I live in a very rural place, I would say in this town we are 98%white, I live in VT. So I am sure these kids can see a difference. Also the kids parents may know who his father is.

DS has never come out and say to us that he feels like he looks different. So could he be just hiding from us the fact that he may think this?

My guess is he too feels he looks Chinese and is trying to get you to help him understand why. Maybe you can bring up the looking Chinese again with him and also have a list of great Chinese people and things that the Chinese have invented. This way you can tell him about his Chinese side and show him what a proud lineage he has come from (as well as yours). Then explain how your DH loved him so much he wanted to become his dad and adopted him.

 

[CEDmom]

I have to agree with the others that you need to tell him now. You can't undo not addressing this when he was little but you have an opportunity now to correct that.

I wouldn't go into any specifics about his birth father. I would just tell him your relationship fell apart and his birth father has many issues that have made you hesitant to have any contact with him. I'd let him know your DH adopted him so he is legally and in every other manner his dad.

It's not going to be easy and I don't think you need to get everything out at one time. Use your DS's reaction as a means to gauge how much he wants and needs to know.

BTW, our DD is adopted from China. She's know since day 1 but will still talk on a regular basis about it. She asks lots of questions about her birth parents which we of course can't answer with any certainty. We still try though.

Also, as much as it may pain you try to tell your DS at least 1 positive thing about his birth father. He's going to need that.

Good luck.