Need some advice for my husband...

[LovingWife2one]

I hope I can accurately articulate my thoughts.

OP,
This really has nothing to do with your DH or his brother. This is their DAD'S thing. I can understand them being shocked, but this isn't something that is being done TO them. Your FIL has been struggling with coming out to them, I am sure. I am sure he is nervous about their reactions, but this isn't about THEM. Does that make sense? FIL is still the same person he has always been, but now he wants to be honest with his sons about exactly who the person he has always been really is. The issues that kids of gay parents face may not be issues for your DH and your BIL because they are already adults. They obviously will have feelings of confusion, maybe betrayal, anger, etc. that can be worked out either in counseling or just over time. I'm not sure if having your MIL already out makes it better or worse.

I guess my point is that while you definitely want to be loving and supportive to your DH, keep in mind that this isn't really about him, it's about FIL. Maybe try to gently remind your DH to keep the focus where it belongs.

I guess it is kind of the backwards version of kids coming out to their parents. It isn't about the parents, although they often want to make it into "Woe is me! Our child is gay!" It's not about them! Their child is still the exact same person, and still deserves the exact same love and respect that they have always deserved.

I have to respectfully disagree. In some aspect it is about them, because, at least in their opinion they were raised in a lie. My FIL did not choose to be gay, we all understand that...however he did choose to lie about this huge part of who he is. He put on an act of being someone, who he is not. It isn't like he just found out he was gay. From what I now understand he has always known. He and my MIL wanted a normal family. She told them 10 years ago, but my husband told me he always knew because she never really hid it. My FIL has been activily hiding this. He always made comments about going out with women.
I just found out he had been living with someone. He never shared that with them, and I believe they still don't know. I think it is wrong to compare this to gay kids and their parents. Parents know their kids from birth. Kids only know(for the most part) what the parent will let them know.

I don't think(at least IMO) my husband and his brother are focused on him being gay...it is more of them being deceived for all these years.

 

[LovingWife2one]

I spoke with my MIL today. She told me that she didn't know about FIL being gay until my husband was two weeks old. She said it has been nothing but lies and deceit ever since. I am not going to tell my husband about this. I am going to talk to him one last time about this tonight. I am just going to tell him that his dad is still his dad, regaurdless of what he does in the bedroom. My MIL told me that FIL is afraid his son's won't want him in their lives anymore.

She also told me that his entire family knows, only my husband and his brother didn't know. I don't think my husband knows this either, because told me that his dad still wants to keep it a big secret.

I asked my MIL why he kept it from them, since everyone else knew. She told me because he didn't know how he was supposed to raise boys into men by being gay. He always hoped they would just figure it out one day and he wouldn't have had to tell them now. He was going to tell them a few years ago, but then my husband and I got married and had two sons.

So now my mind is reeling, I can only imagine what is going through my husband's mind.

Just send us some good thoughts...

 

[4cruisin]

I'm sorry that your family is going through this turmoil. I'm sure that your dh and bil must be reeling from the shock. I don't have any advice for you other than to let your dh and bil know that you are there to support them in any way they need you and that regardless of how upset they are about their father, he really is still the same man.

Hopefully, in time, both your dh and bil will accept what their father has disclosed and not shut him out. I'm sure he is hurting too.

I will keep your family in my thoughts.

 

[Trish Bessette]

All I can say is your DH is very lucky to have you as his wife as it is apparent how much you care for him. Like someone else mentioned I would just make it clear to your DH and his brother that you are there for them if they ever want to talk. When situations arise where your DH speaks about his father remind him that his father is a good person who loves him dearly. I'm sure the struggle with the fact of having to tell your DH has been a long and hard one for your FIL.

Best of luck!

 

[taximomfor4]

I guess, ask your husband what part of that fact about his father's sexuality is bothering him. Is it the surprise? Is it religious convictions? Is it homophobia? Is it worry about his own sexuality?Etc.

Any of these are possible reactions, and each would need to be examined and addressed differently.

When I was a teenager, my stepdad became a woman. I had NO idea. I will say that before that, he was quite short-tempered and often mean...even abusive. Since then, "she" is nicer, more calm, more even-tempered, and now enjoys pursuing different interests more...all looking like a man-turned-woman. Some of the family handle it all better than others. For myself, I have a live-and-let-live philosophy. I don't have to understand it to accept it.

Perhaps your husband just needs time to get used to the idea. I truly hope it doesn't take to long, as his dad must have really grappled with whether or not, and when, to share. His dad must be in a lot of pain, wondering if his children will accept him.

 

[Cantw8]

Wow, that must have been a huge shock. My feeling has always been, if you really love someone that means always sticking by them no matter, whether you agree with them or not

 

[LovingWife2one]

Well my husband called his dad today. He basically told him that he didn't need to worry about their relationship and that he would always have a relationship with his grandkids no matter what. He ended the conversation there. Hopefully their relationship won't suffer for this.

After talking to my MIL further about this, I have faith that he will come around. I still haven't talked to my BIL but I am about to email him. The same day his dad came out, BIL proposed to his girlfriend...I don't know if this is a good sign or not.

Thanks again...

 

[magicmirror]

I actually don't want to sound overly optimistic, but I have read your thread and here's my take on it,
The father loves his son, this is the reason he waited till the son could really comprehend before telling him. Who really knows whether being gay is right or wrong, but it seems like when the father felt the son could handle it he told him, and not before. It has to be the hardest thing a father can ever tell his son. I would say the son needs to try to continue to believe in his father and try to realize the reasons he waited as long as he did. (It can't be an easy thing to say, especially to your unsuspecting children) I hope the best for you all!!!