About 2 years ago, I met my dream man. Perfect in every way. We love each other more than anything
Obvious contradiction: You love him more than anything . . . except your own future. I can't help noticing that you're talking about your dreams, not our dreams -- you think of yourself as a single person, not as a part of a couple. It's better to admit that to yourself. You haven't yet said, "For better or worse", and you're not committed to the "worse". Yet. At this point you can walk away with a clear conscious.
I knew going in that, although he works full time, I will be unfortunately paying all of our bills. (This makes me uncomfortable). The reason is he co owns a worthless house with his 2 brothers. They are so upside down on the mortgage, they can't even re-fi.
From what you're saying, I assume they inherited this house and do not have sentimental attachment to it (otherwise, I can't see why they'd own it together, nor can I see why they'd be interested in selling it). Given that it is a financial liability instead of an asset, I'd suggest that the three brothers together DONATE it to some organization. Or let it be voluntarily foreclosed. Doing so would relieve them of a debt, and it would let them all start fresh.
Does your fiance see this house in the same light you do -- a liability?
Do his brothers see it as a millstone around their necks, or do they think they just have to hold onto it a while before they're able to turn a profit?
How do you KNOW that these things are true? Are the brothers guessing, or have they had a real estate broker/appraiser come out and give them advice? Could it be that the situation isn't so dire as they believe?
Also, you said you're not willing to consider a second job. How about more job training/education for both of you? Education is an investment that pays for a lifetime. At 33 you have LOTS of working years left ahead of you; why not increase what you can earn in each of those years? I believe you said you're earning around 45K and he earns less; not bad for a couple without children, but it could always be better. What could you earn if you each advanced your education a notch?
Likewise, I will not date a man who had kids . . . Do not run Craigslist searches . . . Do not tell me to cut back our wedding . . . Do not tell me to get a second job . . . I can not move into his house with his brothers . . . I will not marry him. period. if we have to live with a roommate or another couple.
Wow. You're quite hidebound about what you WON'T do. BOTH of you are bringing debt into this relationship, and there is no quick, easy, painless way to erase that. The bottom line is that IF you wanted to marry this guy, you'd be more open-minded about what you would do to make the relationship work.
What you need are creative ideas about what you COULD do, not bald-face statements about what you
will not consider. A couple ideas:
Could he rent his room in the house to someone else? Someone who might be willing to cover at least a portion of his share of the mortgage? Times are tough, and plenty of people need a CHEAP place to live.
Are there any government programs that'd allow them to fix it up and make it into a low-income rental? I know someone who owns a slew of cheap houses. He fixed them up, and the state (state? county?) pays 50% of the rent for his clients. I think it's through HUD.
This is far-fetched, but how about contacting some of the HGTV make-over type folks, the people who take a house that can't be sold and make it sell-able? The brothers' situation is rather unique and might make for an interesting show.
It sounds like you are EXTREMELY bitter about him and your situation in general. I don't think that's a good way to start a marriage. I would put everything on hold until you figure things out and eat the deposits.
This is true, and it would undoubtably get worse after marriage.
Have him sign over his share of the house to his brothers and get that albatross off his back. No sense spending good money after bad.
That doesn't seem fair to his brothers. I think they either ALL have to decide to get rid of it (even if it's at a loss) or they ALL have to agree to hang on in hopes of getting something from it. But with it being a negative asset right now, it seems unfair to say, "Brothers, I'm dumping this on you." It won't be easy to get THREE men to agree on what to do. I'd suggest that -- even though money is tight -- you urge the brothers to get a professional opinion from a real estate lawyer on what to do, then follow his advice. I recently went in for a consultation with a real estate lawyer, and it cost $150 for an hour of his time; that was well worth it to KNOW that I'm making good decisions, not just guessing. I also consulted with a CPA on the same topics, and he didn't charge me anything.
Nothing is wrong with wanting a partner...two equal members of a relationship. But if you are wrapped up completely in the finance of the relationship it sounds like you are looking at a business partner, not a life partner.
To me, it sounds like you don't want to get married...so don't. I don't mean to sound cruel, really I don't. But it seems to me that your responses/comments are answering the question you originally asked. You don't want this.
It's not wrong for the OP to consider herself as a business partner as she contemplates marriage. It shouldn't be the ONLY consideration, but it should be ONE of the things that she thinks through. Way too many people only think of the emotional side of marriage, and that leads to disappointment down the road. ANYONE thinking of marriage should consider whether the potential spouse wants the same things: Do you both want to live it up right now, or do you want to save for a comfortable retirement? Do you want a houseful of children or plenty of opportunities to travel? How comfortable are you with debt? How much of your income are you comfortable spending on a house? Do either of you have dreams of doing anything risky like starting your own business? What if your parents need financial help in their old age? Are you each willing to sacrafice for them? The list could go on, and these aren't fun topics but anyone thinking of marriage should seriously discuss these things -- it's dangerous to assume that your spouse feels the same way you do, or that he'll change to your way of thinking just because he loves you.
I do think the OP wants to get married. She just isn't sure that it's what she WANTS MOST.
For instance, the idea that he is choosing his brothers over you. Maybe he doesn't see it that way. He grew up with these men and they are his family, maybe even his best friends? Maybe he just thinks that whatever happens with this house should be a group decision. If he doesn't see it as making you do without something in order for him to be there for his brothers, then he probably doesn't see the choosing bit. TALK TO THE MAN about it.
I don't see it as "choosing his brothers over you". It's more like he and his brothers are all in a bad situation, and they're in it together. If you ask him to abandon the house, you're asking him to abandon his family and leave them stranded -- plus he may not be able to do it legally. I wouldn't have a very good opinion of someone who would do that.
It does sound like the house is a problem, and if I were the owner (based just on your appraisal that it's in a ghetto) I think I'd walk away from it -- but I would do my best to convince my brothers that this was a good idea for us all. I would not say, "Good luck, I've found something better, y'all have fun here throwing good money after bad."
Honey, life isn't always equal. You have no idea what the future holds.
This is true. When my husband and I were newlyweds, he supported me while I went to school. There've been some times when I've stayed home with the kids. I've always done more of the housekeeping and child raising, and I've gone way above and beyond when he's been ill. He makes more money than I do, but I will have a better retirement income than he will. He travels frequently and leaves me to do more than my share of the work at home during those times, but that's what his job requires. The larger point: at various times in our two decades of marriage, we've each been forced to be the strong one, and we've each had a turn at "being carried".
Life's just like that, and a person who's going to keep score and pay attention to who's making more money, etc., is probably not going to have a happy marriage . . . with anyone.
I really do vote for waiting it out and seeing what will happen. At any time you can end the relationship. Just make sure whatever you do that you will have no regrets.
I think you're going to have some regrets either way. Which would be worse for you:
Ten years from now you and he are finally rid of the house, you're in a nice little house of your own, though you're not really where you wanted to be financially -- you've had some fun times, but maybe they're not as great (or as numerous) as you'd hoped.
or
Ten years from now you run into him somewhere, and he's out with the woman he married instead of you.
Only you know which regret would be more painful.
Wiser words were never spoken.
what a horrible situation for you to be in. No one can make the decision but you, but from personal past experience, when you are pretty much the only one paying the bills and someone is tethered to something else, it breeds resentment. Is that how you want to start your marriage? If you are having the slightest doubts now, postpone it. Postponing it is temporary, marriage is far more permanent and if you wind up divorcing because of these issues, you will stand to lose more money to lawyers and incur some of his debt. I promise you, if you have never been though a divorce I can tell you that it's the hardest thing to face the person you once promised you'd love forever and dissolve your marriage. You feel like you have failed in some way. Now, had I actually admitted to myself what I already knew about my ex, I don't think I would have gone through with getting married and would have saved myself and my family a world of heartache. I wish I could turn back time, but I can only now learn from my mistake.
